Have you dated someone of diff intelligence?

[AnyOldMorricone]

Can I ask if you have been in a relationship with someone less (or more) intelligent than you? If so, how did it work out? What were the challenges? Could you make it work?

I’m not talking Forest Gump and Steven Hawking but just everyday & more subtle!

Interested to hear others’ experiences.

Showing my age but does anyone else remember coffee shops and pubs having chessboards?

God, yes. How had I forgotten this. Wonderful times.

I had a boyfriend who was learning Japanese and had stuck the Japanese word for things to everything in his house including the cat. He played piano exquisitely but had no emotional intelligence at all.
My dh can't spell, never reads but is absolutely the best person in a crisis and so emotionally strong, enough for both of us.
I know which I prefer.

I had a lovely boyfriend who was doing a Masters in Critical Theory. I was just an admin assistant at the time. We got on really well and it was a lovely fun relationship but it was never going to go anywhere. I still don't know what Critical Theory is actually . He went on to a life of academia. Looking back now I wasn't really any less intelligent than he was but we couldn't ever discuss his studies. I do wonder if he felt I wasn't a match for him because I hadn't been to university (I'm actually doing my degree now).
As for less intelligent I did date someone who was much less intelligent. It started off as a bit of a fun and I felt sorry for him because he'd spun a web of lies about his health. He turned out to be vile and abusive and took great pleasure in telling me I was stupid. Things I knew to be factual he'd shout me down about. For example, samphire.. he told me he had eaten sapphire with fish and it was horrible. I made a joke about it being tough on the teeth. 'You mean samphire?' He got into a rage and told me I was wrong and that it was sapphire. This is one of many examples. He didn't last long.

My first boyfriend was no where near as intelligent as he tried to make out. When he got caught out by it, he turned nasty. I'm not claiming to be the cleverest person in the world, but he didn't like that I did better at school (then university, then work) than him and as time went on he got more and more abusive. Fortunately I managed to escape. Eventually.

I wouldn't have been happy in a relationship with someone significantly less intelligent or much less educated than me tbh. One of the main reasons dh and I get on so well is that we have a lot in common, read a lot, enjoy cultural stuff and talking about it all etc.
I think it would be pretty ridiculous to judge someone for having a strong preference for intelligent and/or educated partners, considering that plenty of people have a strong preference for far more trivial characteristics in a partner, such as hair colour or height.

I have various letters after my name, whatever that proves. My current partner does too. I don't know how intelligent we are, but we're curious and interested in the world and creative and we're critical thinkers and that's what we look for in friends — people who are interested in the world and ask questions and read and discuss and don't necessarily have fixed ideas or positions. We both know people — doctors, lawyers, high-level accountants, people who earn huge salaries and have impressive titles — who strike us as being uncreative and unquestioning and it's been a shock to get towards 60 and realise how many of the great and good don't actually seem to be very intelligent.

So to OP I'd say there's intelligence and intelligence. You can have someone who's a brilliant mathematician or knows everything about chemical reactions but doesn't have the ability to think deeply about much else, or to read and discuss a book, or listen to someone else and empathise with them. Don't manacle yourself to someone who doesn't interest and surprise you and make your life more interesting.

I was very smart at school, very focused, then gave up, got an office job. Husband is dyslexic, was given up on before he even started, worked his arse off even had to retake gcses, never gave up and it's paid off on a good wage now. His teacher basically called him thick, wouldn't amount to anything, thank f**k mil got involved, got her sacked and now he's just got a new job in an IT company. Worldly wise, not intelligent. Can't understand if people are being nasty/sarcastic etc and would blow all his money on a mustang. I do admin and basically run the house, keep food in fridge etc :-)

I've just googled Critical Theory. A very brief scan but it does actually look quite interesting. Its a shame I was more interested in raving and sinking pints down the uni at that stage of life

I’m not exceptionally intelligent- fairly average. I remember going out with a lovely boyfriend when I was around 19 - really sweet. But we had very very little conversation- I hate to use this word but he wasn’t the sharpest. It ended very quickly as I think we just didn’t work because of it. Little conversation or much in common.
I’m married now to someone I would say is book smart (always brilliant in quizzes etc) but not practical. We are a good balance which why it works - he doesn’t look down on me as I’m the one who builds the Ikea furniture etc & I get him to proof read etc :)

DH is possibly the most intelligent person I have ever met...and in my field of work (he isn't) I've met quite a few. Speaks 5 languages, is an outstanding mathematician (his field of work, loosely), general knowledge off the scale. I'm not stupid by any stretch, but he is in a different league altogether. DS is rapidly following suit. BUT, DH couldn't hang a picture up or do any other form of DIY. Hasn't got a clue.

I am v academic and educated to post grad level. DH number 1 was similarly qualified but crap at “Real Life”.
DH 2 has 2 CSEs and is wise and sensible. We adore each other. I would say we have similar “intelligence” (though I am winning our latest Scrabble tournament 🤣)

I'm going to read the thread, I promise, but the OP irritated me (I hope wrongly), so I had to post. I have two answers:

1. Yes, everyone I've dated has been much more intelligent than me. My measured fullscale IQ is 99; I've never to my knowledge dated anyone who had such a low IQ.

2. Yes, my current partner is much less intelligent than me; she has far less good exam results/education and betrays uses classic MN signs of low intelligence, such as non-standard grammar. It's totally coincidentally that I had a nice privileged upbringing and went to a private school, and she had a badly deprived upbringing and struggled all the way to get to where she is.

You can't ever extricate 'intelligence' from upbringing. There's so much snobbery around - people will assume I am bright because I know how to make the right noises.

I know how to make the right noises.

What like oinks and stuff?

I like to be around people who are vey vey clever and hope some of it rubs off on me.

I don’t have the patience to date someone really dim.

No, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was slow on the uptake

I wonder how do you measure that though? Eg I know someone who is slow on the uptake, is terrible in social situations, has low emotional intelligence, is very bad at explaining anything, never gets a joke. I could describe this person as being slow on the uptake yet this person is a psychologist and can't be.....? I realise that well educated does not equal intelligence.

DH has a PhD and is very clever in quite a few areas, but he is useless at life and we would be bankrupt if he was left to sort out the finances.
I feel like I'm the brains of the outfit even though I will never win him at chess.

I find this a very interesting discussion. My IQ is just under 3 standard deviations above average, and I've noticed in the past that I just "can't" with men who are noticeably less intelligent.
I'm single (divorced) and I think I will stay single now for the rest of my life - it would be way too hard to find someone who is on my wavelength, whom I find attractive, who finds me attractive, who is not an arsehole and also single at my age! I'm not willing to compromise on my standards, but I realise that means the chances of finding someone are slim to none.

And now having read, this thread is making me conscious how much nonsense there is in Mensa! Mensa used to claim (maybe still do?) that they were using IQ scoring. They're not. There's no way it's the top 5% of the population, let alone the top 2. The tests are skewed to catch people who are well educated, on the (sound) assumption that those people will be flattered. But they're broadly a club for bright people who want in. One of the most embarrassing situations I've had, was explaining to parents of 'mensa member' students why they weren't accepted to such-and-such a university.

It's far too simplistic to say intelligence is a 'raw' or innate capacity. Even if you think you can tell how bright someone is by the way they respond to questions, you're always partly judging how they were taught to reply. If you're in a household or a community where everyone always claims the primary school homework is crazy, incomprehensible, don't worry love, you did your best, then you will say that too. You may have a perfectly good idea that the answer is 84, but if everyone around you is asking how on earth you multiple by 12 and what it means to carry one, you will probably shut up. I know plenty of people who'd say 'well, I could do the maths but I never understood the academic bit of it' or 'oh, I got the answer by cheating, I just worked it out in my head, but I couldn't do the schoolwork'.

Those people are bright. But they'll have got to be adults who won't often show they're bright, because they think either that it's meaningless, or that it's cheating.

@wifflewafflebiscuit I'm dyslexic and find your post offensive my IQ is in top 2% thanks. If you're going to make stupid generalisations this is what happens.

Yet dp, he was top in his class always and went on to grammar school.

He might be intelligent and very knowledgeable. But me no gcse or o levels but have got more common sense than he will ever have 😀

I must say, the thought of deep "intellectual" conversations fills me with dread. The only "intellectual" conversations I have heard are people pontificating about how smart they are and speaking utter rubbish.

Luckily for me, at a young age I figured out there is reading and writing smart and then practical smart (I'm both by the way). I don't feel the need to demonstrate to people how intelligent I am. I've spent a lifetime accepting the majority of people aren't as intelligent as me. Don't get me wrong, I have no tolerance for buffoons, but as long as a guy can hold a conversation, has interests / hobbies in line with mine, the fact that his intelligence isn't close to mine really isn't an issue.

For me, the only "intellectual" conversation i need from anyone i'm boning is a positive response to "wanna bone?" Beyond that, i couldn't give a shit.

My sister's husband is tbh pretty dim. He has no real interests or hobbies, can't really do small talk let alone have an interesting conversation, can't follow plots on TV, doesn't get lots of jokes or cultural references and isn't interested in doing things like going to the theatre or anything cultural. She's intelligent both in terms of qualifications but in the wider sense, emotionally for exame where ad he really isn't. He dose have a degree though. It does effect their relationship, she's said so. I think it is a lack of companionship which comes from not sharing a wavelength.

Don’t want to go into too much detail but I’m in a relationship and I’m trying to make it work. There is so much good and compatibility and love but my partner is slower on the uptake

Sorry OP, but I don't see this getting any better. I literally can't find someone attractive if they can't keep up with me.

@Auntydarah but she probably hasn't told you how good he is at boning.

Yeah I seem to go for the no
Common sense type. I hate to have to agree with DH's stupidity, but at times it's the only way to stop him going on. It's like he'll say "your wrong quiche, hasn't got eggs in it." I google recipe. He'll say that's not a normal one. Grab quiche packet from fridge, check ingredients, say look eggs. He'll say well that's processed, but it's not actual eggs. grrrrrr

I suppose I take for granted what people know, I wouldn't say I'm intelligent, I have average qualifications, a poor degree, but I learn from people and observe. I'd suck it up if I was wrong.