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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them? Sad

OP posts:
KingofDinobots · 12/07/2020 11:01

Don’t invite them. It’s ok to take the kids that live with you full time to fun stuff without the other kids. They get different fun things with their mum.

GreenTulips · 12/07/2020 11:03

Not invite them

In DM wants to pay for them I would assume she’d want the pleasure of taking them - so that’s cheeky

DA hasn’t invited them so I can’t see how you can just invite others into the mix.

Merryoldgoat · 12/07/2020 11:03

If you really don’t have the money then you can’t take them but I do understand how that makes you feel.

What’s your relationship like with your DP’s ex? Could you explain the situation, ask her to lend you the money and pay her back at a later date?

And take packed lunches - make it a fun picnic whoever goes.

taraRoo · 12/07/2020 11:03

Can your aunt take them? It would be easier to justify if you weren't there. Just say aunt x took them to the zoo.

TheChiefJo · 12/07/2020 11:05

Agree with pp. Just don't take them or mention it. They aren't due to visit till Friday. Your relatives can treat your children to things. It would be different if your DSC were due to visit or if DH was paying, but they aren't and he isn't.

AllsortsofAwkward · 12/07/2020 11:06

If they aren't invited make sure you're dc have the decency not to mention their trip its massively unfair for them to hear about their df trip to the zoo they weren't invited with his gf kids. It sounds like a big day out just make sure he take his dc out just them as a trip when he's a bit more fincially secure.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:07

I don't have a relationship with his ex at all so I don't think she'd take kindly to me calling her up and asking. I will look like a CF.

My aunt isn't able to take them herself as she has mobility problems.

I may be over thinking things and they may not care but I can't help but feel bad for them not being included.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 12/07/2020 11:07

Dont invite them. Does their mum pay for and invite your kids on every day out?

Hinckers · 12/07/2020 11:08

I wouldn’t have thought for a second to bring them as well.

KingofDinobots · 12/07/2020 11:08

Well they might feel like they missed out, but honestly in blended families everybody has to accept that children do different things depending on who they live with. It’s not fair to your children if they can’t do anything fun just you and them.

Merryoldgoat · 12/07/2020 11:13

I don't have a relationship with his ex at all so I don't think she'd take kindly to me calling her up and asking. I will look like a CF.

That’s totally fair - I didn’t like to presume - lots of people have different dynamics with co-parenting.

In that case I think it’s reasonable that they don’t come, especially as they aren’t with you at the time.

As PP says they will do nice things with their mum - it’s just how it is sometimes.

maddening · 12/07/2020 11:14

You and dc cannot be expected to stop living because his dc live elsewhere, they will get to do stuff with their dm, this is your Aunt's gift to her neice, go and enjoy it, it is ridiculous to get in to hardship to bring other dc along who are not even meant to be with you on that day.

Winter2020 · 12/07/2020 11:16

Don't invite them. Don't mention it. Don't worry about it. If you find out the other children have been to the zoo/theme park/ disney during the week would you be offended? No you wouldn't - you are making it a bigger deal than it is.

Take them out with a picnic at the weekend and play park/bikes/forest whatever is local and free.

  • If the zoo does a free return visit within 7 days perhaps you can work something out to offer to take the others with it.
Bbang · 12/07/2020 11:17

Equal does not mean the same, I’m sure the step kids do lots of stuff with their mum and maternal side of the family that your kids don’t do.

You don’t have to explain, justify or hide anything. If you want to take your kids on a day out that your aunt treated them to then go ahead. Life doesn’t and shouldn’t go on hold so it can revolve around step kids, your own kids deserve nice things too.

YaWeeSkitter · 12/07/2020 11:18

Dont invite them.
There must have been lots of occasions in the past where they and your DC will have had different treats and outings without them all being involved. Nothing has changed in that respect just because of the lockdown.

Yesitsthethruth123 · 12/07/2020 11:19

How old are all the DC and how long have you and DP been together?

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:20

Thanks for the replies. I think I've been over thinking it, I just didn't like the thought of them feeling left out.

We have a fun (free) day planned for when they come and I'm sure DP will make it up to them when he gets his wages through.

OP posts:
bluebadgehelp101 · 12/07/2020 11:21

When I saw you are intending to buy a meal there and pay for ice cream etc I think YABU. These places are very overpriced, you could pack a picnic and use the money saved to pay for their tickets. If I had kids and my partner wouldn't at least loan me the money to pay for all tickets I 'd really think badly of him, especially if you will be out of your financial diffs soon.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:22

@Yesitsthethruth123

How old are all the DC and how long have you and DP been together?
We've been together 4 1/2 years, our DC are almost three and 14 months.

His older DC are 9 and almost 11.

OP posts:
Rubyandsaphire · 12/07/2020 11:22

My ex dp insisted that his child came on every day out we had - my children ended up resenting him because we had to wait for when his child was with us, she had days out with her mum and family so got way more days out anyway, exdp wouldn't let us do anything mildly exciting when his child wasn't with us - if we went anywhere without her we weren't aloud to tell her. It made life difficult I believe you should include step children but not everytime. Your children would not be upset if dp child went to the zoo without them so it shouldn't happen the other way round.

NailsNeedDoing · 12/07/2020 11:23

Don’t invite them and try to avoid it coming up in conversation when the sdc come over. If it does, have in mind a time that you can mention that the sdc did something nice with their mum that your dc didn’t go to.

AldiAisleofCrap · 12/07/2020 11:25

So are your dc not free at the zoo anyway?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 12/07/2020 11:25

You win some, you lose some. I’m sure they do other stuff with mum etc that yours don’t. I wouldn’t pay for them on this occasion. Maybe in the future when finances are better then all of you could go together

user1493413286 · 12/07/2020 11:26

Normally I would say their tickets should have been factored into going but as it’s a gift and would be hard for you to afford their tickets I would say go and don’t mention it to them.

Wishforsnow · 12/07/2020 11:27

You can't ask their mum for money, as you say you would look like a cf! If she was going to pay I would assume she would take them. If their dad can't afford it they can't go.