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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them? Sad

OP posts:
ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 12/07/2020 13:38

@CallmeIT But your exH is behaving very differently to either the OP or her DH.

Obviously it’s not OK that your ex has decided his younger kids should get all the holidays etc because the older ones get enough when they’re with you. That’s dreadful and will obviously cause resentment. He’ll come to regret being such a shit, I’m sure.

It’s not what’s happening here. Not by a long shot. And this OP should not feel at all guilty for taking her DC to the zoo on a day when the DSC are with their mum (doing whatever their mum decides is appropriate on that day).

Bbang · 12/07/2020 13:39

My exH thinks like many of the posters on this thread. He doesn’t take our DC with the “new family” because they go on “enough” holidays with me. This also applies to days out. he’s had many many days out and special trips without them but when they’re there at the weekend they dont go out because it’s too expensive or they’d need two cars. My DC feel second best in that family, and actually, don’t much feel like family at all. Their dad doesn’t understand why they feel like this, and thinks it’s somehow down to me (fool)

I totally agree with this and think your ex is being an idiot, but honestly that’s not what’s happening here. OP seems to be a fab step mum and is feeling confused about this, it seems like the SC go on many days out and do lots of fun things with OP and dad and them not coming isn’t the norm hence OP’s guilt.

If it was like tour situation where your kids are left out then I could understand what the upset would be but OP’s own children are just as important and deserve to get treats gifted to them from their family without having to share everything with their step-siblings. This is okay, the kids deserve to do nice things without the step sibs always being present. Only doing nice things when the steps sibs are there and doing nothing when they aren’t is a recipe for disaster, the resentment will fester and cause such emotional possibly even irreparable damage.

Lostmyshityear9 · 12/07/2020 13:41

No but you’re insinuating that if these poor stepchildren don’t get to go on this particular trip, they’re not part of the family

ODFOD. You are reading things into my posts which aren't there. Seriously, get a fucking grip.

Abouttimemum · 12/07/2020 13:42

I have a really close relationship with my step niece and nephew. My sister is their step mum. They are her family, therefore they are my family. They call my mum and dad grandma and grandad. However, if I wanted to take my sister’s son somewhere on the days they aren’t with my sister and her husband, then i would.
They understand that Things don’t stop when they aren’t there. If I was planning a special trip somewhere though I’d probably invite them along. It’s a shame your aunt hasn’t met your step children in 4 years.
I have an adult step nephew and niece as well with my other sister who now have children of their own and they also get treated like family.

Runnerduck34 · 12/07/2020 13:43

Do you live with DP? The easiest thing is for you to take them, possibly with a friend or sister or mum and DP stays at home.
I can see why his dc maybe upset as in their eyes it will look like daddy took their step siblings to zoo and not them.
Obviously as your aunt is paying for the tickets thats not the case but i think it may be how they would feel particularly if he hasnt got the money to treat them to a day out himself.

Shemeanswell · 12/07/2020 13:44

Don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s not a big deal - it only feels like one because you don’t have all the options you’d like to have. Nice that you want to include them, unfortunate that you can’t.

If the zoo trip gets mentioned, say “oh yes, was nice... we wondered if you’d like to do that or if you’d rather go to ... on x date?”

CallmeIT · 12/07/2020 13:46

To the people who replied directly to my post I didn’t criticise the OP at all. I think it’s great that she’s considering the SC, I also concluded she should take them to the zoo in her position. My comments re my own ex were in response to the many posters who think that children who do activities with one parent therefore don’t need to do them with another Confused

piscean10 · 12/07/2020 13:49

Dont complicate your life op.
This wouldn't have even crossed most people's mind.
You need to make boundaries for yourself as well.
There will have to be times that his kids wont be includes - and that's perfectly ok.
In the very same way their mum are doing stuff with them, your DC are not included.
You need to start being ok with thinking like this, because you will set yourself up for alot of problems if you dont.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 13:51

ODFOD. You are reading things into my posts which aren't there. Seriously, get a fucking grip.

You’re the one banging on about them not being seen as part of the family when they are. What’s the reason do you think that?

Lostmyshityear9 · 12/07/2020 13:54

@funinthesun19

You need to go back and read my posts. I am not getting into this with you. At no point have I said that the OP doesn't consider the step children to be part of her family.

OP - I hope you enjoy your day out with your children. I will respectfully withdraw from this discussion.

midsummabreak · 12/07/2020 13:57

Bring crayons & colouring books, toy animals, packed lunches, snacks, water & other drinks and start putting away money to take stepchildren to the zoo at a later date. Enjoy your day out.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 13:59

I hope you have a lovely day with your children too OP.

I’m sure that if your stepchildren were with you that day you would have bought a ticket for them. Smile Have lots of fun!

EmbarrassedUser · 12/07/2020 13:59

@CbeebiesDelirium You don’t even have the step kids on that day so I’m not sure what the problem is? Just take your kids and have a lovely day.

Nomorepies · 12/07/2020 14:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

midsummabreak · 12/07/2020 14:03

It is lovely for your whole family that you are such a thoughtful, caring and inclusive stepmum and mum. Have a lovely time at the zoo FlowersFlowers

Melonslicexx · 12/07/2020 14:04

You are not being unreasonable if you can't afford to at the moment. Your partner could at least ask his ex for half the money. It's not like you saying it because you don't like them etc. It's only not nice when it's on a personal level. As their his children its down to him to either ask the mum or accept they can't come this time.

I'm not sure how you can make them feel less left out. Depending on ages, a gift from the zoo or a gentle explanation about it being their auntie who got the tickets and explain that you will do something nice soon with them. It's hard on the kids in these situations I guess. But I get your reasons. X

midsummabreak · 12/07/2020 14:06

....go as planned, have a wonderful time, and enjoy taking your stepchildren at a later date when you can afford..

siblingrevelryagain · 12/07/2020 14:12

If there’s a way you can afford it without too much pressure on your finances I’d take them. It would just be a nice thing to do

motherheroic · 12/07/2020 14:17

Another vote for not taking them. You are allowed to do nice things with your own children without feeling guilty, or including everyone else.

If you start saving only doing nice things for when the other children are around your children are going to notice.

Durgasarrow · 12/07/2020 14:17

No, don't invite him. Your "dp" is ridiculous wanting to be the big man on your paycheck.

1forAll74 · 12/07/2020 14:20

Don't invite the other children,and don't feel any guilt about it.Things don't have to be equal in this particular scenario, and you don't need to be fretting about money at this time.

DishingOutDone · 12/07/2020 14:23

On the previous thread I mentioned earlier where some posters said one child was to have nothing unless all the kids had the same, I suggested that the disputed item (in that case cash, in this case tickets) be given to charity and that all the children were informed that they would have nothing at all. Even better, send them back to the Aunt with a letter telling her exactly what a cow she was for only sending enough money for two kids.

This solution would be ideal for posters like @Yesitsthethruth123 - means everyone is utterly miserable for no reason Hmm

DishingOutDone · 12/07/2020 14:24

(meant send the tickets to Aunt, not the kids, although that might satisfy some posters even more eh?)

Ilovefishcakes201 · 12/07/2020 14:34

There are time you can’t take step children and there are times you can compromise a little.
If I were in your place I’d save up a bit until you can take them both.

DianaT1969 · 12/07/2020 14:35

You are overthinking things. They can do things with their mum.