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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:29

@AldiAisleofCrap

So are your dc not free at the zoo anyway?
Yes they are, under 3's go free but still needed tickets.

The cost for me and DP was around £30 each I think.

His other children wouldn't be free though.

OP posts:
CheeseCakeSunflowers · 12/07/2020 11:29

Don't invite them. Don't mention the trip but if they did find out then simply tell the truth. The trip was a present to your children from their aunt.

AdaColeman · 12/07/2020 11:29

Don’t invite his children.

Are your children invited to everything that his children do, even when provided by their mother’s side of the family? That’s most unlikely.
Just enjoy your own family day out.

Bbang · 12/07/2020 11:29

My ex dp insisted that his child came on every day out we had - my children ended up resenting him because we had to wait for when his child was with us, she had days out with her mum and family so got way more days out anyway, exdp wouldn't let us do anything mildly exciting when his child wasn't with us - if we went anywhere without her we weren't aloud to tell her. It made life difficult I believe you should include step children but not everytime. Your children would not be upset if dp child went to the zoo without them so it shouldn't happen the other way round

Same. It completely ruined our relationship and I ended it in the end. It’s not reasonable or sustainable to live like the above.

bridgetreilly · 12/07/2020 11:30

I'm sure they go on trips that your children don't, when they are with their mum. It's fine not to take them on this one.

viques · 12/07/2020 11:31

That's quite a big age gap, so I think it's fine that different ages enjoy different days out. Your zoo visit will be geared to your younger children's interests and needs, ie looking and talking and moving around at a slower pace rather than reading information boards , learning and covering more ground which is what I would do with older kids. If you went to a theme park the kids wouldn't want to go on the same rides.

Enjoy the day out, remember to buy your aunt a postcard for the kids to send to her as a Thankyou. If you take a book of stamps you can post it on the way home.

back2good · 12/07/2020 11:31

Don't invite them.

I'm sure they do fun things with their mother when they're not at yours, and I'm sure your children understand that.

This is no different.

DishingOutDone · 12/07/2020 11:32

I remember a thread similar to this earlier this year broadly similar circumstances and ages, mum wanted to take little DD out (on her own so not even with the Dad) with some money she had been given as a gift and posters piled in saying that little DD was not entitled to anything unless the SDCs got exactly the same, SDCs should be informed of the money being available to them etc., it was quite shocking. Sad

Shoxfordian · 12/07/2020 11:34

Don't invite them, I'm sure they do things with their mum without your dc. Not an issue

AldiAisleofCrap · 12/07/2020 11:35

His other children wouldn't be free though.
Yes that was my point, nobody has technically paid for your dc so it’s really not unfair to not pay for dh’s dc

bluebell34567 · 12/07/2020 11:35

if it comes up in a conversation you can say it was a gift from your aunt and sorry you didnt have money for their dc.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:35

@DishingOutDone

I remember a thread similar to this earlier this year broadly similar circumstances and ages, mum wanted to take little DD out (on her own so not even with the Dad) with some money she had been given as a gift and posters piled in saying that little DD was not entitled to anything unless the SDCs got exactly the same, SDCs should be informed of the money being available to them etc., it was quite shocking. Sad
That's really quite sad, looking at it from an outsiders perspective I think the response she received was ridiculous.

I'm glad people don't think IBU

OP posts:
Redtartanshoes · 12/07/2020 11:39

Could you postpone trip until next month when things are a bit easier financially?

bettsbattenburg · 12/07/2020 11:39

His older DC are 9 and almost 11.

They are potentially at school or doing school learning from home anyway so probably wouldn't be able to come.

MsVestibule · 12/07/2020 11:40

Enjoy the day out, remember to buy your aunt a postcard for the kids to send to her as a Thankyou. If you take a book of stamps you can post it on the way home.

How bossy are you????!! Completely irrelevant to the OP, so why are you trying to impose your etiquette on her?

Poppy2997 · 12/07/2020 11:40

Don’t invite them.

Also I would be mortified if my sons dad and his partner invited DS out but I had to pay! If your partner invites them out he should pay. So definitely not do invite them and ask their mum to pay! No way! I don’t send Ds with any money when he goes out with them.

Because you are skint, just don’t invite them.

DS never gets invited out with his dad, his partner and their kids. Doesn’t really bother him as we do things for ourselves as I’m sure your partners children do with their mum.

Just do something with his children when you can afford it.

ZombieLizzieBennet · 12/07/2020 11:40

I don't think either of you are BU to worry over it, especially if yours are little so there won't have been many big days out yet and you're still feeling for boundaries. But it's fine for either set of DC to do something with a parent that doesn't involve the other set of DC. No reason why a trip paid for by your side as a gift automatically has to involve them.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:42

@Redtartanshoes

Could you postpone trip until next month when things are a bit easier financially?
I don't think that's possible, you have to book for a certain day within a 4 hour timeslot as they've changed the admissions process to accommodate coronavirus precautions.

The tickets are dated for tomorrow, admission from 2pm until 6pm.

OP posts:
Getoutofbed25 · 12/07/2020 11:45

Just go to the zoo. Life goes on when his children are not with you. You can’t ask the ex to pay, if she gad the money and wanted them to go she would take them herself 🙄.

Just go and enjoy it for what it is, it would be different if the children lived with you or it was your day to have them.

MotherofKitties · 12/07/2020 11:45

Don't invite them.

They're not going to be with you when you were planning to go anyway, the tickets were for your children in the first place, and you are allowed to have day trips with your children without your step kids - you don't have to hold off on your kids having an experience just because your step children aren't there.

Yesitsthethruth123 · 12/07/2020 11:46

I'm going to go against the grain. I think you're a family with 4 DC and they should all be included. How has your aunt never met them in 4.5 years but has a close relationship with your younger DC?

Getoutofbed25 · 12/07/2020 11:46

You probably wouldn’t get tickets now anyway if it’s like our zoo they sell out way in advance.

RHRA · 12/07/2020 11:46

Stop overthinking it OP, it's a specific gift from your Aunt. Just enjoy it and don't mention it to your step-children.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/07/2020 11:48

How would they hear about the trip unless you tell them?

lyralalala · 12/07/2020 11:49

Take your kids and have a toddler focused day. Then, when money is easier, your DP can take his kids and have a day geared to their needs.

It's fine to have different days. The only time it's an issue is if the step-kids are never included.

DH and I often do this with our kids because different kids have different needs on days out. Equal doesn't always mean exactly the same thing at exactly the same time