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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them?

OP posts:

back2good · 12/07/2020 12:13

Enjoy your day out. You're not doing anything wrong.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2020 12:16

There is no need to invite his children - this trip is a gift to YOU from YOUR aunt. She included your DP as a gift to YOU.

If your DP is bothered about it, he can cede his ticket to a friend of yours (or your aunt) to ensure you have adult company and help with the children. But you should not feel obliged to pay for something you cannot afford.

MalificentJones · 12/07/2020 12:17

I remember when my oldest had started school and one of my friends suggested an activity and my immediate response was that I couldn’t do that as dd1 wouldn’t be able to go too then I realised that I had done many activities geared towards her over the years that dd2 hadn’t been to or wasn’t involved in.

ForeverBubblegum · 12/07/2020 12:22

Don't invite them, your DC have been given a gift (tickets) by a relative the DSC have never even met. You don't need to replicate every gift your kids receive, any more than your DC should get something every time the DSC do. Each have separate family members, who can treat them if they want to.

If you/DH were paying it would be diferent, as spend limited family funds directly affects them. But that's not the case. If it makes you feel better take a packlunch so your not chipping into family funds, then it's 100% gift.

Kaykay066 · 12/07/2020 12:23

At the zoo near here your kids will be free have you checked the ages at your zoo? Could be your baby and 3 year old won’t pay and his kids can use the kids tickets? Just a thought - I have 4 so was quite handy when my little ones were small enough the older ones I paid for, obs ££ for ice cream etc in the zoo adds up.

But if that’s not an option your kids are little, they won’t be likely to tell their siblings and I’d not mention it as they probably would feel a bit left out, but don’t lie if asked. I take my younger sons to the zoo/safari parks loads without my older 2 as we have season tickets but they’ve been lots too when they were younger it all works out in the end. You sound like a nice person for worrying and you’ve got a day planned for them later so enjoy your trip and you’ve had a stressful time so enjoy the zoo and eat some ice cream and hope things improve with the job situation my bil has been made redundant so stressful for a family
Take care

Beautiful3 · 12/07/2020 12:27

I'm sure his ex takes out their children when they're not with you? They wouldnt say, no we cant go because we should take their step siblings, would they?! You're massively over thinking this. Just take your own children. When your partner gets a job he can treat all the children, when it's his days to have them.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 12/07/2020 12:27

I'm clearly in the minority but I wouldn't leave them out. I think it's cruel. Your partner has 4 children not 2 plus another 2 when he can afford them.

LadyCatStark · 12/07/2020 12:28

You’ve been though a bad time and your aunt is trying to cheer you up. In the nicest possible way, chill out and enjoy it! You won’t have a nice day if you’re fretting about why other people will think and it’s only one day!

Howaboutanewname · 12/07/2020 12:30

have in mind a time that you can mention that the sdc did something nice with their mum that your dc didn’t go to

Please don’t do this. The common demonisation is the father here and if the kids feel put out, it really doesn’t mean anything that they got to do nice things with mum.

I think it’s fine to go given your aunt has paid for the tickets. Maybe plan a trip you can all go on together if they seem put out?

TazSyd · 12/07/2020 12:33

It’s a gift from your Aunt to you, your DP and your DC. It isn’t booked for a day when your DPs children are with you. As others have said, your DPs children will get gifts from their mothers side of the family and no one would say that your DC are entitled to a share of those gifts.

Spied · 12/07/2020 12:33

Don't invite them.
Pretty sure they'll go on loads of other trips and days out with their mother and wider family.
Think of the separate presents they likely get for Birthday/Xmas too from Dad and Mum!!

There's also a good chance they wouldn't be interested in going to the zoo- especially if they've been previously with Mum.
I love going to zoo's and Safari parks but after the third time of taking DC- 8&9 at the time- they were a bit fed up tbh).

TazSyd · 12/07/2020 12:36

I'm clearly in the minority but I wouldn't leave them out. I think it's cruel. Your partner has 4 children not 2 plus another 2 when he can afford them.

Based on your logic, are the OPs children also entitled to a share of any gifts her DPs children get from their mothers side of the family? Or does it only work one way?

Yesitsthethruth123 · 12/07/2020 12:37

Yeah, i'm still thinking it's wrong. And feel really sad about the 'OUR kids and HIS other kids' POV the OP has and so many posters seem to think is okay.

Also very uncomfortable with 'he doesn't have a penny to his name so i'd (OP) would have to pay' . Isn't the MN line always that it's family money when you're a couple with DC?

LolaSmiles · 12/07/2020 12:37

Equal does not mean the same, I’m sure the step kids do lots of stuff with their mum and maternal side of the family that your kids don’t do.
This.
Your stepchildren will do things with their mum that yours don't do. Otherwise you're going to have a silly situation where the children must so exactly the same in your house but stepchildren get extra at their mums, which then isn't fair on your DC.

Haffdonga · 12/07/2020 12:38

Your aunt bought your dc a present. They will enjoy it on a day when their siblings aren't at home with them.

Surely it would be impossible to ensure that every gift from every side of the family is replicated to every child on other sides of the family. Do your dc always get the same gifts and treats that their siblings get from their mother's side of the family?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 12/07/2020 12:40

OP- you seem to be giving yourself a really hard time here. Its honestly LOVELY that you are thinking of them but its also perfectly ok to state that you cannot afford it. Its not a lie, its truth and noone enjoys being on a tight budget but in these times thats what alot of us have to do.
Its very kind that you dont want them to be left out but in this scenario its 100% ok not to invite them.

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2020 12:41

When your funds are better take his DC on something they'd like to do (can you leave your DC with someone then?)

KarmaKamel · 12/07/2020 12:42

@Nottherealslimshady

Dont invite them. Does their mum pay for and invite your kids on every day out?

This ^

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 12/07/2020 12:44

His kids, his responsibility. Even with Covid he should be paying if he wants them to go too. He sounds like a CF.

Choppedupapple · 12/07/2020 12:44

Just don’t invite them. Their mum might not appreciate you trying to take them out on her weekend or she may have plans already.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 12/07/2020 12:45

Based on your logic, are the OPs children also entitled to a share of any gifts her DPs children get from their mothers side of the family? Or does it only work one way?

No because that would be illogical and weird. The equivalent would be the 2 older children being included/not being included when their mother does stuff with her new partner and kids.

But whatever, people can argue about it till the cows come home. Fact is her DP is having a lovely day out while leaving 2 of his kids out. Some people are fine with that. I wouldn't be.

zingally · 12/07/2020 12:46

Don't invite them.

And if your kids mention it, which they are bound to because that's what kids do, so what?

I'm sure they do fun things when they're with their mum!

It's not your, or DPs, job to cater for every child. Especially when it's on a day that they wouldn't normally be with you anyway.
They may be a bit disappointed, but that's not your fault, or your problem.

Heismyopendoor · 12/07/2020 12:49

Go and enjoy it. The SDC will have days out like that with their mum, so why shouldn’t your children?

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 12/07/2020 12:51

@MashedPotatoBrainz

I'm clearly in the minority but I wouldn't leave them out. I think it's cruel. Your partner has 4 children not 2 plus another 2 when he can afford them.

So are the two younger children not able to do anything special when their siblings aren’t there?

Is it ok for the older two to do special things with their mum (because theY will), but the younger two can’t just because their mum and dad live together?

Honestly, that’s a recipe for resentment over time. Imagine how you’d feel if you could only do mundane stuff if you’re siblings were there. You’d feel like second class siblings, and that actually all the fun activities were only really for your elder siblings.

Heismyopendoor · 12/07/2020 12:52

@MashedPotatoBrainz so do you suggest he only does fun things when he has all his children? On the days when he doesn’t have them all should his children that live with him just stay at home in silence?

Movie night? Nope, too fun
Trip to the park? Nope, too fun
Doing a jigsaw? Nope, too fun
Trip to do some strawberry picking? Nope, too fun

His older children will do all of these things (well hopefully!) with their mother (and possibly her new partner) but his younger children aren’t allowed to do them unless the whole family is there?

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