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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them? Sad

OP posts:
OchonAgusOchonO · 12/07/2020 11:51

@Poppy2997 - Also I would be mortified if my sons dad and his partner invited DS out but I had to pay!

I agree with you that father should pay but I don't understand why you would be mortified if they asked you to pay? They're the ones who should be embarrassed, not you. After all, you've done nothing unreasonable. Or is it that you would be embarrassed if you refused to pay? Again, you shouldn't be.

@CbeebiesDelirium - I think you made the right decision. It would be CF territory to ask their mother to pay.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:52

@Yesitsthethruth123

I'm going to go against the grain. I think you're a family with 4 DC and they should all be included. How has your aunt never met them in 4.5 years but has a close relationship with your younger DC?
She lives in Scotland, we live in London.

I take my DC there to see family as often as schedules permit and we're very close given the distance, but it's not something the DSC would be interested in doing.

The zoo however..

OP posts:
81Byerley · 12/07/2020 11:53

You sound really lovely, @CbeebiesDelirium. Perhaps when you're financially back to normal you can take all the children out somewhere special.

MeridianB · 12/07/2020 11:53

Go without them and enjoy the day. There will be other times to do things with his DC. The idea of including everyone in everything is not always possible or sensible.

The other thing to consider is that your little ones will be happy with a packed lunch with you but older children might expect cafe and this is usually not cheap. Plus gift shop.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:53

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

How would they hear about the trip unless you tell them?
My almost 3 year old is a chatterbox. He'll mention it
OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 12/07/2020 11:53

Just take your children.
Take his out next month when your DP gets paid. I don’t see the issue personally they won’t even be there.

Pelleas · 12/07/2020 11:53

It's a gift from someone the step-DC have never even met - I can't see any reason to include them.

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/07/2020 11:54

You're definitely overthinking this. DP hasn't even mentioned it, it's all in your head. If he's fine with what you're doing there's no issue.

Beyond that, I agree with PPs that not all the DCs will have the same experiences, that the DSCs will get to have outings that yours don't. It isn't a day when they'd normally be with him, that would be different if you were leaving them at home while the four of you went out, but you're not. And yes their ages are so far apart that a day at a zoo would mean different things for a nine and 11 year old than a three year old and a toddler.

Stop worrying and enjoy your day!

Summer41 · 12/07/2020 11:55

Don't invite them, you are allowed to have a day out that's just you, DH and the children you have together. I'm sure that his children have plenty of days out/treats with their Mother and her family that your children don't get invited to. If they want to go to the zoo their mother could take them.

listsandbudgets · 12/07/2020 11:56

I had step siblings and spent some time with my dad at weekends and holidays. . It never occurred to me to question that sort of thing. They lived with my father and step mother.. they did things with them. If we were there we went along otherwise not. We lived with mother and she did things with us and it would never have occurred to us to invite along step siblings.

Just do what you were planning OP and have a good day with your children.

vikingwife · 12/07/2020 11:58

Is there any reason why your DP has to take the other ticket ? Can’t you bring a mate with you? Then it’s not like Dad went to the zoo & they missed out.

Please do not pay for his children to go to the zoo - it is unfortunate he lost his job but it’s not your responsibility to shell out for such an extravagance so his kids don’t feel left out. Kids need to learn resilience & they don’t live with you & their father has no “emergency fund” for this type of event, so it’s hardly as though you are intentionally slighting them.

If anything it highlights that their father has left himself as a parent without a cent to his name - putting you in an awkward position of being the only one who is looked at to fund this.

It would be super cheeky fuckery to ask their mother to pay for a zoo trip - she already has primary custody of them - she should be giving her money, not the other way around. Please don’t do that, it would be very bad manners.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 11:58

Thanks all, you've eased my conscience.

It's typical of me to tie myself up in knots about something like this as I never want them to feel left out.

OP posts:
Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 12:02

If anything it highlights that their father has left himself as a parent without a cent to his name - putting you in an awkward position of being the only one who is looked at to fund this

We did have an emergency fund but that has long been depleted unfortunately. Lockdown has hit us hard here and we've had to plough what savings we had into keeping everything ticking over.

I could invite a friend in DP's place but that would feel uncomfortable given that it was bought for us as a family specifically. He's quite looking forward to taking the children.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 12/07/2020 12:02

Its a shame as the 9 and 11 year old would probably love it more than the baby would, but if you cant afford to take them and they dont live with you, then thats that.
If I was your dp id feel pretty sad about not being able to treat the older ones. I wonder if someone in his family could help out?

Sally872 · 12/07/2020 12:03

You would invite them if you could afford it, you can't afford it so you can't invite them.

Explain to step kids it was a gift from aunt but you will all go a day trip soon.

Bagelsandbrie · 12/07/2020 12:06

I think it depends how often you do stuff like this - ie zoo trips, days out etc. If it’s a really rare thing I think I’d have to invite them and use an overdraft or credit card to pay for them- especially as you know you’re coming out of the financial issues now and can pay it back. It seems a bit mean otherwise.

rayoflightboy · 12/07/2020 12:07

Just go to the zoo.Really why are you trying yourself in knots.
I'm sure they understand they can't go to everything.And at that age they mightn't even be interested.As theres such a big age .gap.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 12:08

Generally we'll have a big day out every few months, it's not something we do regularly primarily because of our schedules.

We'll definitely be able to make it up to them. Now DP has secured another job and everything is opening back up again we'll make sure we/or he plans something nice for them.

OP posts:
SpringFan · 12/07/2020 12:10

From my experience toddlers and older children want different things at the Zoo. When mine were small they wanted a few of their favourite animals, penguins, elephants, giraffe, lions, etc, and then do the soft play areas, When they got older they wanted to spend more times with the animals and go on the zoo train.
TBH it is easier with the age groups separately.

GreenTulips · 12/07/2020 12:10

Its a shame as the 9 and 11 year old would probably love it more than the baby would

Which is why they’re free

You have to order tickets to go. I doubt they’ll be any left

Winter2020 · 12/07/2020 12:10

The different ages of the children mean that although they may love each other they have very different needs. Enjoy your day at the zoo without guilt. What your step children might appreciate is if you can juggle both small children alone just sometimes so their dad can do things for their age - like go off on a bike ride or (covid permitting) swimming or when funds allow take the older ones to a theme park without the little ones.

We have a 2 year old and a 10 year old and as well as doing things as a family we make sure the 10 year old doesn't miss out on bike rides and days out with kids his age just because he has a little brother (who he loved dearly).

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 12/07/2020 12:11

I think, given this is all happening on a day when the DSC are with their mum, it’s not really relevant what you do. They presumably do all sorts of fun things when they’re with their mum. And even if they’re just at home, it’s time with their mum. She wouldn’t be thinking it was unfair for her to take them to the zoo when they’re with her; she’d just take them because she’d be thinking about her time with her children.

It’s be different if you were leaving them out if something planned for when they are with you. But you aren’t. This is just what happens in blended families.

And it isn’t fair on your children to only be able to do fun stuff if your DH’s other children are there. In fact, they’re likely (over time) to feel like they don’t really matter if the fun stuff must always revolve around their siblings. Especially if those siblings are also doing fun stuff when they’re with their mum, but you’re feeling like you can’t do fun stuff with your children during that time.

MillyDilly · 12/07/2020 12:11

Do your children get invited on outings your DSC have with their mother or her family? I’d hazard a guess that they don’t. I would just take your DC and enjoy their aunt’s generous gesture.

back2good · 12/07/2020 12:13

If anything it highlights that their father has left himself as a parent without a cent to his name - putting you in an awkward position of being the only one who is looked at to fund this

Yes it's a bit awkward, but it doesn't mean he's done anything wrong to be in that position. I'm sure there are thousands of families facing similar predicaments at the moment due to the numerous job losses that have been happening daily since corona virus hit the country. OP even said he'd used up his savings since losing his job and trying to secure another one. Expenses still happened! Hmm

HollowTalk · 12/07/2020 12:13

If their mum's relative paid for them to have a trip out, you wouldn't expect your kids to be included, would you? It would be different if it was on a day that they were visiting, but they won't be with you for a few days.

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