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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them? Sad

OP posts:
Kaykay066 · 12/07/2020 12:55

But op kids are small the older kids likely won’t know what they’ve missed As too little to tell them & it’s a gift

Does that mean I should have sat at home with my younger kids whilst the older ones were at their dads and never taken them anywhere?...my older boys don’t feel like they’ve missed out they also have 2 younger siblings at their dads they go out etc when older 2 are here they went to plenty before their siblings came along too (mine are older)

Yesitsthethruth123 · 12/07/2020 12:56

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels

Or the recipe for resentment is that the DSC aren't considered to be the OPs family. Which they don't seem to be, by the OP or by her relatives. They're the 'second class siblings' here.

BlusteryShowers · 12/07/2020 12:56

There's a huge age difference there which is relevant. The older two are old enough to enjoy stuff like a cinema trip or a theme park. I'm sure he wouldn't suggest never going to the see the latest Pixar film with them because the two little ones can't come.

I think it would be good to ensure that he also does something nice with the other two as soon as he can. It doesn't have to cost a fortune, but it makes sure they feel considered.

Lostmyshityear9 · 12/07/2020 13:03

@Summer41

Don't invite them, you are allowed to have a day out that's just you, DH and the children you have together. I'm sure that his children have plenty of days out/treats with their Mother and her family that your children don't get invited to. If they want to go to the zoo their mother could take them.
Why do people use the 'your children won't get to go on day's out with the step children's mother' as some kind of justification for leaving step children out of activities? The OP's children would never reasonably expect to be included on a day out with their siblings and mother. However, the step children in this scenario could reasonably be expect to be included on a day out with their father.

On top of that, you then turn it into the mother's responsibility to take her children to the zoo/do the same activity they have been left out of because their father couldn't be bothered to take them/couldn't afford all his children/any other reason you can come up. This is purely an issue for the OP's household, absolutely nothing at all to do with their mum.

OP - your aunt has paid for the tickets for your family. You are not postponing or changing a contact day to allow this trip to happen. It might have been nice to have the step children attend too but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. These are extraordinary times afterall. Go, enjoy and if the step children show any signs of being upset, your DH can explain to them that your family paid. It won't hurt them if handled reasonably. But for god's sake, don't bring their mum into it - it's not her responsibility to provide something they missed out on with their dad and nor is it for the children to be somehow made to feel grateful they get things with their mum that their siblings don't. Very often there can't be parity between siblings living in two households. That's just the way it is.

poppy1973 · 12/07/2020 13:03

If they aren't there on the day, then don't take them and play it low-key when they turn up. If you are short on money and can't afford it, then don't overstretch.

Why not make their time fab when they come over. Have a cinema style weekend and get some popcorn and hotdogs in etc. Hire a film or let them choose from Netflix and make a sleepover with you all watching film together. Ask them if they would like to plan a day out in the future that you can save up for.

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 12/07/2020 13:05

Honestly, that’s a recipe for resentment over time. Imagine how you’d feel if you could only do mundane stuff if your siblings were not there. You’d feel like second class siblings, and that actually all the fun activities were only really for your elder siblings.

Edited to make sense.

Children in blended families just have to learn to accept that life goes on in one house when they’re not there. The children who live in that house all the time shouldn’t lose out because their siblings are with their other parent.

My DH gets a bit funny if I make something special for my DS when it’s just him here, and not the DSC (like waffles for breakfast etc). But the DSC get treats and all sorts when they’re at their mother’s house (loads of them). My DS is here much more often than the DSC (11/14 nights vs 5/14 nights) because that’s the contact arrangements we’ve made with our exes. It’s ridiculous to not let him have anything nice just because the DSC aren’t here. And he’s totally resent the DSC if, for example, cake were reserved purely for their time here. He’d (correctly) read into it that the cake was actually for them and he didn’t really matter. He’d only be getting it as a by product of the DSC getting a treat. Meanwhile, the DSC would be getting cake regularly on the days they were at their mum’s. But he can’t have treats at his mum’s

It’s be even more of an issue if DS were in this house permanently.

TazSyd · 12/07/2020 13:10

No because that would be illogical and weird.

But it’s not illogical and weird to expect the OPs Aunt to pay for a gift fir two children she has never met, who aren’t related to her?

kitschplease · 12/07/2020 13:14

Can you take your kids while he does something free/cheaper with his?

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 12/07/2020 13:18

[quote Yesitsthethruth123]@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels

Or the recipe for resentment is that the DSC aren't considered to be the OPs family. Which they don't seem to be, by the OP or by her relatives. They're the 'second class siblings' here.[/quote]
I don’t think so, given all the angst that’s going on to a decision to do something fun with the OP’s children.

I’m sure the OP’s children hear all about the fun stuff that the other children have been doing with their mother and her family all the time. Why shouldn’t they get to do fun stuff in the time they have with their mum too (and dad, who lives with them)?

It’s not about being a real member of a family. It’s about accepting that things cannot be exactly equal in blended families, because some children spend significant time in another household. The fact that life goes on when they’re not there is just what children in blended families get used to. Their lives go on at the other house too.

It’d only be a problem if they never got to do anything when at their dad’s and it was all about their younger siblings. That’s clearly not the case here.

CottonSock · 12/07/2020 13:18

Just go and enjoy it. They are totally different ages..you won't do everything together.

WrongKindOfFace · 12/07/2020 13:22

Fucking hell, some people are batshit. You can’t expect the younger ones to never do anything fun just in case it upsets the older ones. Yes it would have been nice if they’d been included but perhaps the aunt couldn’t afford to pay for extra children?

Go to the zoo, enjoy your day. Take the other kids on a trip another time. Job done.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 13:23

I do see them as family, of course I do.

That's precisely why I was feeling so guilty about them not coming along to the zoo.

I'm also well aware that step mothers get a hard time on here so was reluctant to refer to myself as step mum considering I've been in their lives less than five years. However that is how I see them.

I'm extremely fond of them both and they know that.

I regularly buy for them, even if they're not with us on the day. If my children get a little toy then they'll get something too.

It's not in my nature to leave them out as you can see by my guilt here, it's not something I'm enthusiastic about.

OP posts:
MillyDilly · 12/07/2020 13:25

[quote Yesitsthethruth123]@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels

Or the recipe for resentment is that the DSC aren't considered to be the OPs family. Which they don't seem to be, by the OP or by her relatives. They're the 'second class siblings' here.[/quote]
Do you think that OP’s children are considered family by the DSC’s mother and her family?

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 13:26

Do you think that OP’s children are considered family by the DSC’s mother and her family?

I can answer that one, absolutely not Grin

OP posts:
CallmeIT · 12/07/2020 13:27

I think it’s great that you are considering the SCs feelings OP. I’m surprised by the number of posters who think you shouldn’t!

My exH thinks like many of the posters on this thread. He doesn’t take our DC with the “new family” because they go on “enough” holidays with me. This also applies to days out. he’s had many many days out and special trips without them but when they’re there at the weekend they dont go out because it’s too expensive or they’d need two cars. My DC feel second best in that family, and actually, don’t much feel like family at all. Their dad doesn’t understand why they feel like this, and thinks it’s somehow down to me (fool).

Do you need to take the SC everywhere? No, obviously not. And not should you limit what you do when they’re not with you, but do make sure you include them in some things if you don’t want them to grow resentful. my DC were happy to put up with the situation at 9 and 11, but started voting with their feet and 10 and 12 and now see their dad less. A very regrettable outcome for us all.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 13:28

It’s not his time to have them! Of course you’re allowed to go without them.

Your children are allowed to have a life when your DP’s other children are not with you. That’s the principle that’s most important here.

I wouldn’t invite them.

Lostmyshityear9 · 12/07/2020 13:30

Do you think that OP’s children are considered family by the DSC’s mother and her family?

Why would they be? The common person in all of this is the children's father. The ex and her family do not have to take any responsibility whatsoever for the OP's children. The OP's family however, minimally, need to accept that there are step children on the scene because they are part of her family set up. Doesn't mean they have to pay for them to go to the zoo, but as a family, they can't expect or demand that the step children are not part of the wider family.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 13:31

Can you take your kids while he does something free/cheaper with his?

It’s their mum’s time to have them or did you miss that part? He’s allowed to do stuff with his younger children when his other children are not with him.

Yesitsthethruth123 · 12/07/2020 13:32

Maybe don't start a thread about how you don't want to pay for HIS kids then.

That doesn't suggest at all that you consider them your family. Sounds like you think your family is you, him and your shared DC You refer to his children as 'his other kids'.

I'd have been gutted if my Step-Mum referred to me as my Dads 'other kid'. She and my Dad since they were serious about each other referred to all of us as 'their kids'. There was no division.

And this isn't about the zoo visit. It's about your use of language to describe your DPs children and the fact you don't want to use your money (still think it's weird you have money and he doesn't when you're supposed to be a family) to pay for your SC to join you on a family day out.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 13:32

I'm sorry callmelt, your poor children Sad

That is exactly the type of thing I was worried about, the children feeling second best. I hate the thought and so always do my best to include them and make their visits fun.

Fortunately in this case it's a one off and I certainly wouldn't see it become habit where they're pushed out and not included.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 13:33

Doesn't mean they have to pay for them to go to the zoo, but as a family, they can't expect or demand that the step children are not part of the wider family.

And when those stepchildren are WITH THEIR OTHER PARENT, they don’t have to sit there twiddling their thumbs.

Lostmyshityear9 · 12/07/2020 13:35

And when those stepchildren are WITH THEIR OTHER PARENT, they don’t have to sit there twiddling their thumbs

I didn't say that they should, did I? Please don't put words in my mouth.

Original poster
CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 13:36

@Yesitsthethruth123

Maybe don't start a thread about how you don't want to pay for HIS kids then.

That doesn't suggest at all that you consider them your family. Sounds like you think your family is you, him and your shared DC You refer to his children as 'his other kids'.

I'd have been gutted if my Step-Mum referred to me as my Dads 'other kid'. She and my Dad since they were serious about each other referred to all of us as 'their kids'. There was no division.

And this isn't about the zoo visit. It's about your use of language to describe your DPs children and the fact you don't want to use your money (still think it's weird you have money and he doesn't when you're supposed to be a family) to pay for your SC to join you on a family day out.

Actually it is about the zoo visit.

Don't make a sweeping generalisation about my relationship with them based on my post.

I do think of them as family but on a forum where step parents are widely despised, and given I've been in their lives less than five years, it didn't feel appropriate to refer to myself in that way.

Chill out.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 13:36

No but you’re insinuating that if these poor stepchildren don’t get to go on this particular trip, they’re not part of the family.

funinthesun19 · 12/07/2020 13:38

That was to Lostmyshityear9

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