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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

302 replies

CbeebiesDelirium · 12/07/2020 10:59

My aunt has kindly gifted us a day out to the zoo as she's aware lockdown has been hard on the children.

She has a close relationship with my DC but hasn't met DP's other children who don't live with us and she didn't factor them into the day out. She has bought tickets for me, DP and our children.

We are going tomorrow and it is all paid for in advance. DP isn't due to see his DC until Friday and he doesn't have a penny to his name at the moment. He lost his job as a result of the pandemic and has just began a new one.

His children aren't aware we're going to the zoo but I'm apprehensive that when they come on Friday they may feel left out when they hear about the trip.

I suggested DP invite them along if their mum is happy to pay for them.

He doesn't want to ask their DM as he said it's his job to pay for them when they're with him. Fair enough.

That leaves the only option being that I pay.

Given the fact he lost his job and we are in financial hardship (that we'll soon be coming out of thankfully) I've had to be very frugal with what we do have and can't really afford to pay for their tickets, plus meals, ice creams etc.

If my aunt hadn't treat the children to the day out I wouldn't be taking them as it's a luxury we can't afford again yet.

AIBU?

What would you do?

Pay for them and penny pinch for the rest of the month..

Insist DH asks his ex if she can pay for them..

Not invite them?

OP posts:

MessAllOver · 13/07/2020 18:57

Yes, sorry OP 😚! We're slightly hijacking your thread...

Hope you had a brilliant time at the zoo and I'm sure you'll have a lovely family time the next time the SCs are with you.

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2020 18:58

i can’t believe you wouldn’t bring them, wow. And did you say you have children with their father, my God you sound mean!

Lol

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 13/07/2020 18:58

@funinthesun19

And surely you recognise that there are children out there who are sacrificed as first children in favour of second children?

I do recognise this too. And yes everyone’s experiences are different and that’s the point.

Thing is, it’s never really relevant on threads like this (about stepmothers who’d just like to do something with their children). Especially not on this one where there’s no indication that the DSC aren’t happily included in family life when they are with their NRP.

It is dreadful that some children have useless fathers, who don’t do anything with them, or treat them as second class, or don’t pay the maintenance they should. But it isn’t the stepmother’s job to make up for that. And, if she’s had children with him, she’d probably aware that her children have a useless father - often with the additional expectation that she must prioritize her DSC (even though their father is failing to do so).

This OP just wanted to take her children to the zoo (with their father) but, because of all the weird ideas that are so prevalent about how ‘first’ children must always come first, felt somehow guilty for not personally paying for her stepchildren to come on a day they would always have been with their mother anyway.

I do hope you had a nice day out, @CbeebiesDelirium. Ice cream and all.

lyralalala · 13/07/2020 19:00

Children, resident or not, don't need to be treated as a solid group every single day or for every single trip.

There are some shit set-ups, my girls were seen as lesser by their step-mother (which is somewhat amusing now that she has split with my ex and is somehow surprised that he is treating their sons similarly) and who miss out on a lot.

However, I'd bet if the OP and her DH were one of those couples it wouldn't even have occurred to the OP to consider if her step-children should be included in a gifted day out.

As long as the children all enjoy days out that they enjoy then it doesn't necessarily have to be on the same day every single time.

947EliseChalotte · 13/07/2020 19:09

Put yourself in do children's shoes. They would feel left out and upset if left out of a family day ..I know I would. This naturally could cause jealousy towards their step / brothers / sisters by not being included and could lead to future difficulties of natural resentment and feeling unwanted etc. I would pay for them , the kids would be really happy and encourages a good relationship between all the children and the will feel included and this in the future will lead to good relationships with you, and the kids. I ten years the kids will remember you for these little things and think you are amazing what you did for them. Bud good relations . Be kind and inclusive xxx

PennyinmyPocket · 13/07/2020 19:09

i can’t believe you wouldn’t bring them, wow. And did you say you have children with their father, my God you sound mean

Why would OP pay extra for her step children when her family member gifted tickets for her family day out, on OP’s day off work, when her SC weren’t scheduled to stay with her?

Do you think OP’s children have to sit twiddling their thumbs until their half siblings can join them for fun days out? How many fun days would their half siblings have with their resident parent whilst they sit doing nothing??

947EliseChalotte · 13/07/2020 19:16

Sometimes parents can use each other as a pawn. Don't please think of the child. If mum has to pay she might tell the child her dad and step mum won't pay ? Or she herself is not paying ..how would the children feel? Parents can use each other as pawns but it only effects the child in the long run. Two wrong don't make a right . I'd say pay for them build good relationships with them make them feel wanted and valued as a solid family unit in time the kids will look back and appriete and think you are amazing for being so kind and they will have good relationships with their step sister / brother. Rise above their mum and dad xx kids no matter what should be treated right, included and valued xx you will set good example xx

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2020 19:21

No adults in this situation are trying to prove anything or outdo each other or use the children as a pawn.
It’s just that it’s the op’s day off today and they’ve had a day out on her day off. A spontaneous day out by the sounds of things and gifted by the op’s aunt as they don’t have the money to pay for it themselves right now. Why shouldn’t they be able to just live in the moment and enjoy the day while she’s off work?

CurlyMc · 13/07/2020 20:23

These people who think children have to be involved in absolutely everything, do you honestly expect resident children to do nothing fun with their parents whenever their siblings aren't there? Genuine question, should the resident children have to sit indoors and never do an activity with their parents? Really? Likely whilst the DSC are having their own days out with their other parent too. Fucking ridiculous.

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 13/07/2020 20:49

@CurlyMc I don’t think the people continuing to bang on about ‘being kind’ and how the poor DSC will be left out are really giving it any proper thought. It’s like a knee jerk thing: oh, be the better person and include them.

They aren’t considering in any way that it’s a day they would be spending with their mum anyway (so they’re not being excluded from anything actually) or that the OP’s children might be allowed to have a nice time with their parents whether or not their siblings are there.

Notfeelinggreattoday · 13/07/2020 21:37

I think as you are going on a day you don't usually have them then its fine to go , be a bit different if it was your day and you didn't have them because you are going out
As others have said they poss have days out with there mum plus you sound like you generally dont leave them out and im sure your dh can take them somewhere when finances are better or he may take them somewhere not appropriate cor little ones etc
Have a lovely day

mummmy2017 · 13/07/2020 21:44

When parents split up children will miss out if it is not their time to be with part of their family. If the second family seem to get treated more it could be the mother of the second family can afford to treat her children, just like the original child gets treated by their own mother.
Most of you have a daddy problem, in that the dad is not pulling his weight.

Original poster

CbeebiesDelirium · 13/07/2020 22:00

Hi all, I'm still here.

We had a really nice time thank you, aside the fact my toddler was in a terrible mood for most of the afternoon.

Highlight was being able to see this beautiful boy in the picture. I haven't seen a male lion since I was a child myself, what a treat!

To not want to pay for his kids to come on trip

OP posts:

TheChiefJo · 13/07/2020 22:09

Glad you enjoyed it, OP.

funinthesun19 · 13/07/2020 22:11

Aww glad you had a good day! Toddlers wouldn’t be toddlers if they weren’t grumpy

Beautiful! Lions are stunning. I went to a zoo last week myself and I had the pleasure of seeing one of these too.
I kept joking with my 5 year old ds that they need a new monkey for the monkey bit, so he can join them because he’s a monkey He found it hilarious haha.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 14/07/2020 00:50

Don't invite them.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 14/07/2020 00:54

Oops sorry can see you've gone! Hope you had a lovely day.

Frannibananni · 14/07/2020 01:10

It’s cheeky to ask the mother to pay. Don’t invite them and don’t mention it to them.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/07/2020 07:28

I think it's actively encouraged on here that Dad spends time with DSC one on one sometimes
Yes when we are talking about a couple of hours taking them to play football or at the park.

When it's a dad suggesting taking his eldest kids to a theme park, or even a full weekend, it always end up with 'we can't afford it and why should I be left to look after our kids alone and what should I tell the kids that their dad is having fun without them'.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/07/2020 07:33

Oh and glad you had a great time OP. Hope your OH gets a job soon and plan a fun day out with his eldest only somewhere they'd love. I'm sure they'll be more made up about this than caring about the zoo trip they missed, but your oh needs to stick to it (my ex always made promises to our kids after he felt guilty going out with his steps children but never ever acted on it. That's the part my kids remember).

funinthesun19 · 14/07/2020 08:07

I think it's actively encouraged on here that Dad spends time with DSC one on one sometimes
Yes when we are talking about a couple of hours taking them to play football or at the park.

Sometimes things like these are more meaningful. Investing 2 hours of football every weekend in to one child is pretty good for that child if you ask me. If he’s doing this every weekend with his first child then that’s quite a lot of quality time allocated to that child.

Destroyedpeople · 14/07/2020 08:10

If you being so 'frugal' (God I hate that wOrd) then why would you be planning on a 'meal out' and ice creams?
Just saying.

funinthesun19 · 14/07/2020 08:11

Hope your OH gets a job soon and plan a fun day out with his eldest only somewhere they'd love.

Did you miss the part where this was a gift? They haven’t actually paid for this zoo trip so when he gets a job he needs to pay for all of them to have a treat.

funinthesun19 · 14/07/2020 08:12

If you being so 'frugal' (God I hate that wOrd) then why would you be planning on a 'meal out' and ice creams?

This point has already been covered.
The cost of chips and ice cream for the children comes to less than what the dsc’s tickets would have been. Of course they should have an ice cream

Destroyedpeople · 14/07/2020 08:14

Oh just chips is it..thought OP said 'meal'...
Anyway it's fine. Children need to learn this stuff.

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