DP wants me to cut off my mother.

[Bloodymother321]

My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.

She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.

We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.

This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.

He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.

We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.

I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.

[Branleuse]

Your mother is not a well woman. She needs to not be living with you, but I wouldnt cut her off

[Treacletoots]

I could have written your post word for word OP.

I cut mine off however, 12 years ago and it's been GLORIOUS.

People like that don't change and enjoy tormenting others, the very ones they're supposed to care about. She doesn't deserve loyalty just because you're related, you don't deserve to be treated like shit, and definitely, your DP does not.

If this was a reverse, MN would be saying you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem. Don't be that DP ...

[billy1966]

She likes throwing her weight around?
Not an illness, just a bully.

OP, you are excusing her.

I think your DP is right.
He shouldn't have a child with you and be at your mercy re his child.

He could be denied access because he refuses to accept abuse from your mother.

Again, if he was my son I would be advising him to get the hell away from you and your mother.

Sorry to be harsh, but she is abusive and I don't believe anyone should accept that type of behaviour.

[Bizawit]

Don’t cut off your mother because your partner tells you to. You will regret it.

[Merryoldgoat]

@bizawit

Why will she regret cutting out a toxic and abusive person?

Because she’s family?

Everyone I know who uses that as a reason to excuse poor behaviour leads an unhappy and frustrating life.

[BumbleBeee69]

OP why do you believe this woman behaviour is acceptable ?

[ECBC]

Agree with your husband sorry

[Whoknowswhocares]

Sadly after your most recent update I would be advising your partner even more strongly to walk away.
You seemingly aren’t prepared to change. He is effectively being told to like it or lump it. Totally unreasonable imo

[AllyBamma]

I’m sorry OP but since your last update I still think you are just making excuses for her and completely enabling her. I feel sorry for your DP and if I was his friend I’d be telling him he could do better and should find someone who makes him a priority over a toxic abuser.

[Lynda07]

Knowing she is a heavy drinker puts a different complexion on the matter.

You're living cheek by jowl at the moment. When the funeral is over, make sure she goes back home and keep distance.

[justilou1]

*Your famiIly’s statement: “It’s just her” minimizes her behaviour so that they don’t have to step in and deal with it.

• YOU are doing the heavy lifting and adulting for your mother. Who else is volunteering for this job if you are not available?
  

I seriously think you need to organize to have her assessed, if you are doing all of these things for her so that she can get a pension and have someone else take over. Social Services via the GP.
The suicide rates of survivors of parents with this kind of abuse is enormous. It is not uncommon for people in your position to be diagnosed with C-PTSD even years after the parent’s death. Please look after yourself as well. I suspect your partner is deeply concerned for you.

[Couchbettato]

I don't have much to add other than you're making excuses for her. If you truly think the medical system has it wrong, lobby her doctor for an official diagnosis.

Until then, you're just an enabler. You're making excuses for her poor behaviour and in the kindest way, you're part of the problem.

[GinDrinker00]

I’d fight to get her the right professional help first. See if there’s any medication or therapies to help her.
If that fails, then your DH has a point.

[iwilltaketwoplease]

My mother has MH and other problems.

When you have a child, you will soon want to protect them from anything damaging. I'm with your DP on this. I have three children and both their nans are not active grandparents, I had to make sacrifices.

[iwilltaketwoplease]

Stop giving her money, she's only going to drink it.

[TorkTorkBam]

You put the format of a funeral ahead of your partner. That's not good.

If your abusive alcoholic mother is competent enough to call a funeral director and make a series of changes to the services then she is competent enough be kicked out.

You are making excuses. You are not being a good partner. You are going to find yourself single and rightly so if you carry on like this.

[SoleBizzz]

I wouldn't marry you, sorry.

[monkeyonthetable]

This is a really difficult situation. I feel for you both. (You and your partner.)

You need very strong boundaries around her. These include being a united front that will not tolerate bad behaviour. If she's rude to him, pick her up on it. To do this effectively you need to become completely impervious to her manipulative behaviour. Just Grey Rock it (look up the technique if you don't know it. If she storms or sulks or flounces when you set up strict immovable boundaries (You may not talk to DH like that, You may not order him about. You may not criticise our lifestyle while enjoying our hospitality etc) just completely ignore her. Completely. If she goes into a dangerous rage and starts attacking property or people, call police.
As PP have said, get SS involved to take the burden off you. You are NOT responsibile for raising your mother. It took me until I was fifty to realise I was not my father's parent. I can't tell you what a weight has lifted since I stepped back from trying to please him and keep him calm and sweet, that's his job. Not mine.
You know you will never, ever manage to make her happy or improve her life as every other aspect of it is screwed by her behaviour.

Please also bear this very important thing in mind: if you have a baby, you will not only have a new responsibility, but you may also start to feel very imbalanced and emotional as you compare how you treat your own baby's needs with how you were emotionally neglected. You will need all your energy for you own happy, healthy family unit, to ensure the cycle of abusive parenting doesn't get repeated. So please step back now.

Also, babies are expensive and you may have a drop in income and be unable to support your mother financially anymore so it's vital she is set up with proper welfare support. Then step back. I know this sounds harsh but your own sanity and protecting your happiness and stability of you r marriage needs to take precedence. I hope you see that this isn't a selfish act but a necessary one.

[FusionEsque]

I had to do a double take because my DW could have written this.

I'm the DH in this situation. My MIL is currently staying with us. She has been experiencing crippling joint pain and can't live alone at the moment so she's staying with us.

The woman is emotionally abusive to my DW and has been through her childhood. Suicide threats and a couple of attempts. No drinking but massive MH issues that she refuses to take medication for.

She is currently off work and we are having to fund her because she is a complete technophobe and doesn't know how to claim benefits. I'm looking into it for her. My wife and I both work but we can't afford to fund a third person on just our wages.

She's struggling to pay her bills but when we make suggestions, she ignores them, burying her head in the sand. Yesterday, she compared renting to throwing money down the drain. We rent. I had to walk away.

She won't eat what we eat so we end up getting meals in especially for her. She's already said she's leaving multiple times and my DW has had to talk her round, out of a sense of obligation.

Yesterday, to keep the peace, I had to apologise for walking away. It was very hard. My DW knows I'm in an impossible situation and would choose me over her mother in a heartbeat. But I don't want to be the person that makes her make that choice.

That said, my MIL is going to be living in my house for at least the next couple of weeks - and I don't see any obvious end to it.

I hate seeing my DW emotionally abused by her mother and it hurts a damn sight more than anything she might say to me.

Is your DP being unreasonable? No. He cares about you. And if you've got the strength to cut her out, I don't think you'll regret it.

[Guavaf1sh]

I’m with your partner here too. If you don’t ditch her she will ruin your life and it will be your fault as you let it happen

[nannyplumsmagranny]

I'm with your partner on this one.

[RachelGreen45]

Sorry OP but I agree with your DP, cut your mother off completely. She’s going to ruin your life one way or another, definitely not fit to be a grandmother. And as far as the verbal abuse goes, you might chose to accept it but your partner shouldn’t. If my MIL spoke to me like that she’d be getting a few home truths. I don’t know how your partner hasn’t drop kicked her down your garden path by now.

[FreshEggs]

I was manipulated into a situation in my early 20s where I had to pay my mum money For her living expenses after I’d already left home. It was a few hundred a month. Not because she had MH issues, she had a full time job but her ‘DP’ couldn’t decide if to be with his wife or her and she was struggling with the bills alone after I left home.

I paid for 5 years and when my son was born halfway through I could not afford to take much maternity leave because of the payments to my mum. Did not have a holiday for the 5 years. Had to seek a promotion immediately after returning to work and put the baby in with a childminder at 6 months so the childminder did a lot of the weaning. I can’t be sure if something happened at the childminders but my son has had a very selective eating phobia since weaning and struggles every day. He’s now 14 and still eats the same few things, it’s affected his MH and social behaviour hugely. Every day I regret putting him in with the childminder when I wanted to stay home longer with him. I have had to look at myself and realise that I put my mother’s payments before my child’s wellbeing and that’s been very hard. I also developed a bad skin condition that I’ve never been able to get rid of, I think it has been from the stress of carrying others burdens as well as my own.

[NudgeUnit]

I'm sorry again but from your update and the excuses you continue to make for her I would still urge your DH to leave. You are way to deep in the FOG.

I think OP has good insight actually. She sounds ready to make decisions about her mother, but just doesn't have a concrete plan yet. Let's not forget there has been a family bereavement. By any standards now is not quite the moment to throw her mother out on the street. Presumably even the DP understands this but needs some reassurances about their life together in the longer term.

OP, can I suggest some counselling. You need a sounding board who is on your side and can back-stiffen you as needed without judgement while you work your way through the conflicting emotions that come with extricating yourself from your unhealthy relationship with your mother. There's the usual she's a wicked bully/she's ill and needs you dichotomy on this thread and you need ongoing support from someone who understands narcissistic personality disorder and family estrangement.

[CucumberTree]

OP, you say she won’t get mine has she’s paid off her mortgage. I’m guessing that’s with help from you? You don’t knew until you try. ESA is for people who can’t work and if she is as bad mentally as you say she is then she will get benefits.

Please stay with your DH and run from her. Maybe phone up the funeral directors to give them a heads up? Who is the relative?