DP wants me to cut off my mother.

[Bloodymother321]

My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.

She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.

We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.

This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.

He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.

We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.

I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.

[Ormally]

Horrible situation. But I think it will only get worse as she gets older and as you have a child which competes for your attention (really...) from the Mum-child you've got. I did not realise that I had a minor version of this situation until I was having a baby at a reasonably 'old' age. Reaction to pregnancy news? "Oh...I can't cope with that. Can't get on with it at all."

And much as she loves her grandchild, my goodness, she competes with her and anyone else that might need or want my attention sometimes.

[SunshineCake]

Will you chose your mum over him and your future baby together as it may come to that?

[unlikelytobe]

Even someone with a personality disorder has a range of behaviours which can be limited by firm interaction rather than pandering and acceptance along the lines of 'she can't help it'. I wonder. Once the family emergency is over can you go LC?

If you value your DP, want to marry and have kids then I suggest you find a new approach with your DM including setting her up with benefits and professional social care/MH support . She will crush you.

[UniversalAunt]

Were your OH my son/brother/nephew I would strongly urge them to pause any further commitment until YOU had put considerable emotional, psychological & physical distance into the relationship between your & your mother.

Tough call.

I admire your OH for calling this out - for his sake & for yours.
It’s down to you to make changes.
First stop, the local authority Adult Social Services.
Aim high: supported housing, full care package, vulnerable adult MH status tendency to being financially exploited & self neglect.

[Ormally]

Also, now much older, she has begun to have major fall-outs with long term friends as well, unfortunately, which she feels remorseful about afterwards, but obviously can't reverse just straight away because the other person has a self-respecting opinion on it too. If that happens to your DP, you or your child will be the ones who are triangulated and it is very hard to get out of.

[SionnachGlic]

Why do you say that she can't help it? Depression doesn't mean you can be a nasty harridan. If she loves you & cares about you, she should behave appropriately around your DP.... well, around everyone but ...well, that is probably hoping too much if she's gotten away with so much for so long.

[UniversalAunt]

Get out from ‘under’ your smothering mother while you can.
Your life will be all the better for it.

[Whoknowswhocares]

I’m sorry, this is going to sound harsh. I think you have tolerated her behaviour and had to grow up with it, so now see her behaviour as as ‘normal’ because you only have her as your frame of reference. This is not a fair or healthy situation to expect of your partner(who sounds bloody amazing btw) or a suitable situation to being a child into.
If I were your partner and you chose to condone/forgive (you’ve said you’ve begged her to apologise, which implies you think that an apology will restore the status quo) your mothers intolerable, unwarranted abuse of me I would leave you.
There is no way in hell I would want a child with someone who would consider putting that child in situations where they too we’re guaranteed to feel the force of your mothers abuse over the years.
Your partner deserves better. So do any future children you may have.

[Ohhaipete]

If I were your dp and that was who my future mil was to be, I wouldn't marry you.

You don't have to change how you live your life and the people you see but your dp doesn't have to accept how you live your life and the people you see. At this point if i were him I would cut my losses and move on with the hope of finding a partner and a life with less drama and a nicer environment to raise any children in.

[UniversalAunt]

Yonks ago, I found ‘My mother, Myself’ a very helpful book.

www.amazon.co.uk/My-Mother-Myself-Nancy-Friday/dp/0006382517?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[FishHasDied]

You and DP have my sympathies.
My MiL was like this and dealing with her was a nightmare. Even one of her DD’s described her to a 3rd party as ‘a very difficult woman’.
Once married, we visited her every week - some weeks she wouldn’t speak to us, just turn away and stare out of the window; other weeks she was really nice, other weeks she’d manufacture a row. She could also be very insulting - ‘That top suits you; when you’re fat you need it all covering up’ - I was a size 12.
She caused endless rows in the family by telling lies and setting DH and his siblings against each other and many years later, some of those wounds have still not fully healed. She absolutely knew what she was doing though, because on occasion when she met my family or other friends she was nothing but charming.
However I cannot fault her behaviour with her GC’s - she was always kind, generous and attentive.
Overall though, she was exhausting and caused lots of fall-outs between DH and me.
I’m with your DP, I would cut contact (my DH wouldn’t so I distanced myself as much as possible).

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

You know, most threads like this are from a woman whose MIL has treated her like this, and whose DP/DH refuses to cut contact. Under those circumstances, the advice is to cut losses, leave, refuse to see the MIL because she's a toxic bitch (your words) and "you have a DP/H problem".

This time it's you who is the problem.

Your mother is her own person, she's not your child. She may be mentally unwell but that doesn't mean your partner should put up with her vitriol. I think that he's right that he shouldn't have to see her, or have her at any wedding, or have any child of his exposed to her. Where he might be overstepping is insisting that you have nothing to do with her either.

But she's leeching off you, financially and emotionally, and quite honestly, you should have shown her the door after her tirade against him yesterday! How DARE she say those things to him in his own home, when he's sharing his living space with her?

I'm sorry - I expect you DO feel torn - but I'm with your partner here. SHe can't just expect to get away with such behaviour with impunity. If it's down to her mental illness, then she needs better management.

You can make a choice here - but don't inflict your mother on your partner any longer.

[ThatLockdownLyfe]

You deserve a life though..

You don't owe her anything. She chose to procreate. You didn't ask to be born and you didn't ask for her to be your mother.

Honestly, stop giving her money and stop giving her your time and energy. Refer the relevant services onto her and walk away.

It's her or you. Sooner or later she will die and you will be left behind. Think carefully about what sort of life you want to be living when she is gone forever. Think about what regrets you may or may not have when she goes.

You deserve a life of your own.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Sorry but I'm with your DP as well on this one.
Stop enabling her.
She won't do anything for herself because you doesn't have to.
Stop paying her.
Stop doing things for her.
I think you should cut her out of your life completely, but that may be too big a step right now.
Just tell her that her behaviour means that you will not support her any more. She's on her own. You will visit once a month on your own for a few hours to cook her something and that's it.
She is far too toxic to be a gran to any of your children.
Time to put yourself and your future family first.
She's done this to herself!
Time she face the consequences!!!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’"
You need to stop that sentence before the 'but'. The 'but' is not your responsibility. She only brings stress to your life.

"she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off"
WTF? You are giving her money? Ooh, she's going to keep her claws in you! By all means help her with the initial paperwork of signing on, but thereafter - do NOT pay her way! Direct her to Social Services and leave her be. How did you giving her money start? Think back - how many of your buttons did she press? And bear in mind - she was the one who created your buttons. Set up the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) in your head. Stop giving her an income and redirect that cash to therapy for yourself. I am not being flippant. You need solid professional help here
to free you from the FOG. FOG is something you can find books on, as is toxic parents. Maybe start with them, but seriously - get yourself some help. You wouldn't try to treat your own cancer, you'd go to a doctor. FOG is of that magnitude. Don't beat yourself up and try to deal with it alone. Get help.

"She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her."
Not. Your. Problem. You need to join the rest of your family and keep her at arm's length too.

Your partner is absolutely right here. He isn't operating in FOG, he can see the situation clearly. He can see the strain she is putting on you. Get her out of your home ASAP. And then start to detach from her completely. She is NOT your responsibility.

[plominoagain]

Yet another queuing up to agree with your DP .

Sometimes , you can choose your family . Make one of your own , with DP , because your DM has brought nothing good to your life , and is trying to sabotage the one good thing you have . Don’t let her .

She managed when you left at 18 , didn’t she ? She’ll manage again . Without your money .

[Viragoesque]

My mother spent the first seventeen years of my life inflicting her toxic mother (dysfunctional, poor, vicious-tongued, chronic health problems) on DF and me and my younger siblings -- like your mother, no one else, including my grandmother's other children and grandchildren wanted to be around her.

It would not be an exaggeration to say that her presence absolutely wrecked our lives, caused huge problems in my parents' marriage and left me and two of my sisters with a legacy of self-esteem problems from her continual anger and personal attacks on our appearance, personality etc. Yet my mother would not minimise our contact with her (because she 'couldn't help 'it'), and had her living with us in an already over-crowded house for significant periods under the impression that this was what a dutiful daughter did. We all longed for her to die, and I will never forget the relief when she did. A crushing burden was lifted off all of us, but the effects were long-lasting.

In your DP's shoes, I would not even consider linking myself more closely, far less having a child, with someone who chose to force me into contact with someone so dysfunctional, vicious and horrible -- whether she 'can't help it' or not is irrelevant. The behaviour is the behaviour, whatever its origin. You may choose to excuse it as involuntary, but your DP doesn't have to.

Bluntly, you will need to decide if your DP, marriage and parenthood is what you want, and to figure out a way of meaning that , if you continue to see your mother, you do so alone, and do not bring her into contact at all with your DP and children.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

The way you should be supporting your mother is by taking her to a psychiatrist. Whether it is depression or a full blown personality disorder, there is therapy and medication to help her. No one enjoys being miserable. She is suffering as much as you and your DH are.

Just giving her money and tolerating her doesn’t help her. It enables her.

I also agree with DH that she’s not fit to be a grandmother. While you can handle her as an adult, a child is too vulnerable to be put in her direct firing line. So, when kids arrive, no contact or only brief supervised contact.

Finally, if you’re trying for a baby, get married as soon as possible. Or it will never happen. Children are expensive and time consuming. If you want the legal protections and commitment, get married before the first baby. Even if it’s jist going to the registry and skipping a wedding.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself

This isn’t your problem

[Knittedfairies]

I'm with your partner too. At the very least you need to tell your mother her behaviour is completely unacceptable and if she continues in the same vein, she will be cut adrift. Either that or you will lose your partner because of her.

[EarPhones]

Your title shows who you think is the problem. I left my ex-husband who sided with his mother, who thought she could mistreat me all the time in my own home. He also used to say that I was forcing him to cut off with his mother. They both deserve each other. Left them behind and living a peaceful life now. Would never go back and get dragged into their unhealthy dynamic.

[Topseyt]

I think that nobody should have to put up with this shit. Not you, and not your DP. I know I couldn't live with it.

So, I recognise that it puts you in a very difficult position, but I'm afraid I am with your DP here, hard as it is for you.

I am very sorry you find yourself in this position. You do have some very hard decisions coming up.

[DogInATent]

You choose your friends, not your family.

Decide who you love and who you feel sorry for. If you sit on the fence, you're very likely to lose one of them.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Good grief that's so hard to read. Your DP is right. He does have to think about how his life is going to be, forever.

He doesn't have the years of guilt to make him put up with that behaviour.

He can probably see through her inability to cope, her truning the screws on you.

He probably doesn't like the idea of his family's money being stretched to pay her bills, his kids going without because she refuses to function. His wife not having a life of her own because she has to live for her mother too. His life being managed, controlled and shaped by her decision to be your problem.

He has a choice. He can walk away from both of you. From here that seems like the sensible thing for him to do.

So that leaves you! What are you going to do? Continue to be her carer, her walking bank, her punch bag? Or are you ging to throw her back on her own recognisance, let her be an adult?

You really can do this if you want to. You don't have to your DMs everything. She is supposed to be an adult. An adult would access all possible help from GP etc etc. An adult would not choose not to put themselves out and to sponge off their own child!

[rosydreams]

you wont find happiness till you put your mother at arms length

My father suffered from serve mental health issues being around them drained me.It started to cause me mental health issues.

Your local council will house her and she can claim disability benefits if you can get proof from the doctors . You just need to fill the forms for her.Talk with citizens advice they will help you

I would occasionally have my dad over for dinner but this would be once in a wile.Or take him out somewhere.

I didn't cut him out completely but i kept him well away ,you can help her from a far were she wont hurt your family