DP wants me to cut off my mother.

[Bloodymother321]

My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.

She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.

We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.

This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.

He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.

We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.

I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.

[Teadrinker6]

Do you live together? I'm so sorry your in this position but this is not fair on your partner. Your partner wants to be with you, not your mother and it seems you come as a package. This is going to effect every relationship you have

[Shelby2010]

@FreshEggs - please don’t blame yourself for your son’s eating phobias. Think of all the babies that have been weaned around the country (world, even), in different ways and at different ages. The fact that only a small percentage of them will have such severe eating phobias as your DS suggests there is more going on than what the child minder gave him to eat.

I may be wrong (happy to be corrected) but I also understand that many food phobias are linked to the type of sensory issues which are more common with ASD. So again, nothing to do with what the baby was first fed.

[Andwoooshtheyweregone]

That must be so so hard. What was she like to you growing up? Was she abusive? What does your sibling think about this have you a close relationship with them? Do they keep their partner away from your mum?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I think you are so enmeshed in this toxic relationship that even though you say you only spend a few days per year with her in reality I think it is far more times than you think

Popping around for a cup of tea comes across as something you do daily/weekly.
not a few times a year which is how you described your relationship.
Paying money to her is again keeping that communication open and not keeping her at arms length.

Your siblings keep her at arms length. I think you need to look at why you can’t.

[monkeymonkey2010]

I know how hard it is when you're enmeshed in the F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt).
The problem here is that this dynamic is not sustainable - your relationship is at risk.
Your DP sounds like he's been an amazing support so far and understanding - but he's only human and has a limit.

If you want kids, how will you personally afford to keep subsidizing your mum?
I doubt your dp will be happy at the idea of joint funds being used to subsidise your mum, or having to top up your share of joint funds cos you give her your money.
No matter how wonderful he is, he is only human and these kind of things breed resentment.

I'd advise setting up an appointment with a benefit advisor, get advice for her re benefit entitlements and support from external agencies.
Speak to her GP and inform them of your worries and ask for a referral to SS.

She CAN do more for herself than she is - she's just always had you parenting her and she knows how to pull your strings....this woman managed to have kids and bring them up, don't forget that.
She CAN take more responsibility for herself...

[Beamur]

You need to get your Mum moved back to her own place as soon a you can.
Regarding funding her. Can you afford it? Can you continue to afford it if you have a baby? Don't expect your DP to contribute to this.
As someone else said, as kindly as possible, your enabling is part of the problem.
It sounds like an arm's length, cup of tea type arrangement is good. But your partner is right to push you to loosen the strings.

[Fanthorpe]

@FreshEggs I’m really sorry you’re blaming yourself for what happened. Your mother exploited you and it sounds like perhaps your childminder let you and your son down. It sounds like you acted with the information you had at the time, and that your mother brought you up to put her needs first.

[monkeyonthetable]

@FusionEsque - that must be so hard. I feel for you. You both need to establish boundaries too. She eats what you eat or she sorts out her own food and pays for it and cleans up after herself if she uses your kitchen to prepare it.

I have no tolerance for parents who expect their children to parent them. And I absolutely hate people who use MH issues as a get out of jail free card for their bad behaviour. Many people with severe mental health issues do everything they can to ensure they don't place too much burden on family. MH doesn't automatically mean manipulative.

[CucumberTree]

OP, you say she won’t get mine has she’s paid off her mortgage. I’m guessing that’s with help from you? You don’t knew until you try. ESA is for people who can’t work and if she is as bad mentally as you say she is then she will get benefits.

Please stay with your DH and run from her. Maybe phone up the funeral directors to give them a heads up? Who is the relative?

[NudgeUnit]

I'm sorry again but from your update and the excuses you continue to make for her I would still urge your DH to leave. You are way to deep in the FOG.

I think OP has good insight actually. She sounds ready to make decisions about her mother, but just doesn't have a concrete plan yet. Let's not forget there has been a family bereavement. By any standards now is not quite the moment to throw her mother out on the street. Presumably even the DP understands this but needs some reassurances about their life together in the longer term.

OP, can I suggest some counselling. You need a sounding board who is on your side and can back-stiffen you as needed without judgement while you work your way through the conflicting emotions that come with extricating yourself from your unhealthy relationship with your mother. There's the usual she's a wicked bully/she's ill and needs you dichotomy on this thread and you need ongoing support from someone who understands narcissistic personality disorder and family estrangement.

[FreshEggs]

I was manipulated into a situation in my early 20s where I had to pay my mum money For her living expenses after I’d already left home. It was a few hundred a month. Not because she had MH issues, she had a full time job but her ‘DP’ couldn’t decide if to be with his wife or her and she was struggling with the bills alone after I left home.

I paid for 5 years and when my son was born halfway through I could not afford to take much maternity leave because of the payments to my mum. Did not have a holiday for the 5 years. Had to seek a promotion immediately after returning to work and put the baby in with a childminder at 6 months so the childminder did a lot of the weaning. I can’t be sure if something happened at the childminders but my son has had a very selective eating phobia since weaning and struggles every day. He’s now 14 and still eats the same few things, it’s affected his MH and social behaviour hugely. Every day I regret putting him in with the childminder when I wanted to stay home longer with him. I have had to look at myself and realise that I put my mother’s payments before my child’s wellbeing and that’s been very hard. I also developed a bad skin condition that I’ve never been able to get rid of, I think it has been from the stress of carrying others burdens as well as my own.

[RachelGreen45]

Sorry OP but I agree with your DP, cut your mother off completely. She’s going to ruin your life one way or another, definitely not fit to be a grandmother. And as far as the verbal abuse goes, you might chose to accept it but your partner shouldn’t. If my MIL spoke to me like that she’d be getting a few home truths. I don’t know how your partner hasn’t drop kicked her down your garden path by now.

[nannyplumsmagranny]

I'm with your partner on this one.

[Guavaf1sh]

I’m with your partner here too. If you don’t ditch her she will ruin your life and it will be your fault as you let it happen

[FusionEsque]

I had to do a double take because my DW could have written this.

I'm the DH in this situation. My MIL is currently staying with us. She has been experiencing crippling joint pain and can't live alone at the moment so she's staying with us.

The woman is emotionally abusive to my DW and has been through her childhood. Suicide threats and a couple of attempts. No drinking but massive MH issues that she refuses to take medication for.

She is currently off work and we are having to fund her because she is a complete technophobe and doesn't know how to claim benefits. I'm looking into it for her. My wife and I both work but we can't afford to fund a third person on just our wages.

She's struggling to pay her bills but when we make suggestions, she ignores them, burying her head in the sand. Yesterday, she compared renting to throwing money down the drain. We rent. I had to walk away.

She won't eat what we eat so we end up getting meals in especially for her. She's already said she's leaving multiple times and my DW has had to talk her round, out of a sense of obligation.

Yesterday, to keep the peace, I had to apologise for walking away. It was very hard. My DW knows I'm in an impossible situation and would choose me over her mother in a heartbeat. But I don't want to be the person that makes her make that choice.

That said, my MIL is going to be living in my house for at least the next couple of weeks - and I don't see any obvious end to it.

I hate seeing my DW emotionally abused by her mother and it hurts a damn sight more than anything she might say to me.

Is your DP being unreasonable? No. He cares about you. And if you've got the strength to cut her out, I don't think you'll regret it.

[monkeyonthetable]

This is a really difficult situation. I feel for you both. (You and your partner.)

You need very strong boundaries around her. These include being a united front that will not tolerate bad behaviour. If she's rude to him, pick her up on it. To do this effectively you need to become completely impervious to her manipulative behaviour. Just Grey Rock it (look up the technique if you don't know it. If she storms or sulks or flounces when you set up strict immovable boundaries (You may not talk to DH like that, You may not order him about. You may not criticise our lifestyle while enjoying our hospitality etc) just completely ignore her. Completely. If she goes into a dangerous rage and starts attacking property or people, call police.
As PP have said, get SS involved to take the burden off you. You are NOT responsibile for raising your mother. It took me until I was fifty to realise I was not my father's parent. I can't tell you what a weight has lifted since I stepped back from trying to please him and keep him calm and sweet, that's his job. Not mine.
You know you will never, ever manage to make her happy or improve her life as every other aspect of it is screwed by her behaviour.

Please also bear this very important thing in mind: if you have a baby, you will not only have a new responsibility, but you may also start to feel very imbalanced and emotional as you compare how you treat your own baby's needs with how you were emotionally neglected. You will need all your energy for you own happy, healthy family unit, to ensure the cycle of abusive parenting doesn't get repeated. So please step back now.

Also, babies are expensive and you may have a drop in income and be unable to support your mother financially anymore so it's vital she is set up with proper welfare support. Then step back. I know this sounds harsh but your own sanity and protecting your happiness and stability of you r marriage needs to take precedence. I hope you see that this isn't a selfish act but a necessary one.

[SoleBizzz]

I wouldn't marry you, sorry.

[TorkTorkBam]

You put the format of a funeral ahead of your partner. That's not good.

If your abusive alcoholic mother is competent enough to call a funeral director and make a series of changes to the services then she is competent enough be kicked out.

You are making excuses. You are not being a good partner. You are going to find yourself single and rightly so if you carry on like this.

[iwilltaketwoplease]

Stop giving her money, she's only going to drink it.

[iwilltaketwoplease]

My mother has MH and other problems.

When you have a child, you will soon want to protect them from anything damaging. I'm with your DP on this. I have three children and both their nans are not active grandparents, I had to make sacrifices.

[GinDrinker00]

I’d fight to get her the right professional help first. See if there’s any medication or therapies to help her.
If that fails, then your DH has a point.

[Couchbettato]

I don't have much to add other than you're making excuses for her. If you truly think the medical system has it wrong, lobby her doctor for an official diagnosis.

Until then, you're just an enabler. You're making excuses for her poor behaviour and in the kindest way, you're part of the problem.

[justilou1]

*Your famiIly’s statement: “It’s just her” minimizes her behaviour so that they don’t have to step in and deal with it.

• YOU are doing the heavy lifting and adulting for your mother. Who else is volunteering for this job if you are not available?
  

I seriously think you need to organize to have her assessed, if you are doing all of these things for her so that she can get a pension and have someone else take over. Social Services via the GP.
The suicide rates of survivors of parents with this kind of abuse is enormous. It is not uncommon for people in your position to be diagnosed with C-PTSD even years after the parent’s death. Please look after yourself as well. I suspect your partner is deeply concerned for you.

[Lynda07]

Knowing she is a heavy drinker puts a different complexion on the matter.

You're living cheek by jowl at the moment. When the funeral is over, make sure she goes back home and keep distance.

[AllyBamma]

I’m sorry OP but since your last update I still think you are just making excuses for her and completely enabling her. I feel sorry for your DP and if I was his friend I’d be telling him he could do better and should find someone who makes him a priority over a toxic abuser.