DP wants me to cut off my mother.

[Bloodymother321]

My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.

She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.

We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.

This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.

He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.

We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.

I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.

Sorry for such an awfully written post. Have got sleeping baby on me and v tired.

So you can either keep your mother happy at the expense if your happiness or your DP

I very much doubt that the OP's capitulation to her mother's emotional manipulation does make her mother happy.

I have a very toxic relative who has an emotional hold over another family member. However much toxic relative gets her own way, is allowed to say outrageous things, guilt trips and emotionally bullies people into what she wants, it doesn't make her any happier than when other family members are assertively (but not cruelly) resistant to her. She isn't a happy woman. hence her toxicity. I bet the OP's mother is the same. These people poison their own lives, not just their family's .

So: OP you may be on a fruitless treadmill, worrying about your Mum. You can't make her actually happy, whatever you do.

Your 18 yo self had good instincts. Re-kindle!

Oh OP how awful and difficult for you. I think you'd be unreasonable to expect her to stay in his life and expose your baby to those behaviours.
If you want to stay in contact maybe it would have to be just you.
You also shouldn't expect to have her at your wedding and ruin it for everyone else.
Appreciate this is incredibly difficult for you and would also suggest counselling.

OP, your DP is well within his rights to decide not to be in an abusive relationship with your mother, and he is absolutely right not to want any future children exposed to her. If you continue to prioritise her, he will likely walk away, and who could blame him? She would make his life a misery, not because she “can’t help it” (which is BS, by the way), but because she’s a nasty, vindictive bully.

Be honest with yourself here... how much comfort will your mother be to you when you’re on your own, having passed up a future with a loving partner so you can look after her?

I almost want to know how much money you give her per month but it's rude to ask. Add up how much it's costing you when you could spend that money on a holiday, wedding, home improvements.
Oliversmum is right, if she can't cope on her own that's her problem.

The way your phrased your aibu implied that your DP is the problem. You and your Mother are the problem. If you want to have a relationship wherein your mother can abuse them whenever she feels like it, whilst you stand there saying she cant help it, best of luck finding a partner. My MIL acts the same but lives in another country and it still has a negative impact. She lives with my BIL and everyone jokes about how he will never find a woman who will put up with her.

Thank you for all your responses as they’ve all give me strength in different ways.

I know she’s abusive and I know that my partner shouldn’t be exposed to her especially after her recent stunts.

It’s just more difficult as we got a fairly good set up whereby I just popped into hers occasionally for a cup of tea and what seemed like a fairly normal relationship - I kept her far away from my DP as there was no need for them to share the same company.

As for benefits she’s not really entitled to much as she’s only diagnosed with depression/anxiety and her mortgage is already paid off - it’s not long before she can claim state pension. She cannot work any form of technology, her english and maths are probably at primary level and she doesn’t have any qualifications/proper work experience. After smoking 30 a day, not eating properly and drinking like a fish her physical health isn’t great. She’s not able to get on with people (thinks she’s above everyone and no communication skills).

Before I started transferring her money she was literally sitting in the house with no heating on during the winter, living off watered down cereal and using the kettle to have a strip down wash. It was actually my DP who suggested paying for a new boiler etc but I paid for it.

I always knew I’d keep my kids away from her - maybe take them over occasionally for a Sunday roast but never unattended. She can be on best behaviour and she has been recently until she came to stay (she wants to organise the funeral and would try but I know she’d just majorly fuck it up and it would be chaos - she’s trying to massively throw her weight around and currently running off a power trip/control freak tendencies). She’s actually a really good grandparents to my DN’s and they adore her but that’s only because my siblings visit rarely.

I want to wait for the funeral to be organised before throwing her out as I want to make sure it’s organised well (during the circumstances) and is a good send off. She’s already threatened that she’s going to ring the funeral directors to not to speak to me and the funeral will be exactly what she wants (not what the deceased person wanted funny enough).

I do see how hard it is for you to keep the balance and you do seem to have been doing so unsupported; funerals can be hellish to organise with different relatives pulling every which way.

I also see that your dp has been pretty damn wonderful through this.. I expect his ultimatum to you was borne out of sheer desperation under the circumstances. The things he has said will need to be properly considered when the funeral's over, won't they? You had strong boundaries around your mum and you can reinstate them then. Your dp may be a little more giving when things settle down and he is back into the reality of normal life.

Good luck dealing with her for now.

I'm sorry again but from your update and the excuses you continue to make for her I would still urge your DH to leave. You are way to deep in the FOG.
How old are you both? Do you have that much time to waste fixing what she's done?

Bloodymother321

I thought your mother would be really old
She isn’t that much older than me.

What you describe isn’t right and I think you need to look around at women her age and see the difference.

There are 2 things going on.

She is abusive to everyone

And she is functionally illiterate

Atm you seem to be caught up in a relationship where you think she needs help and are excusing her bad behaviour because she needs help but really you don’t have to be the one to give it.

Mentally she doesn’t sound like she is capable of living on her own.

She sounds like there are other issues going on. You stepping into help isn’t the answer and is part of the problem instead of bringing in adult care you are papering over the problem.

I think someone mentioned upthread FOG and I think it comes across as you telling yourself you are keeping her at arms length and you won’t have your children around her and she can be on her best behaviour if you do take children to visit.

But somehow she has ended up living with you and you have allowed her to start abusing your Dp.

He won’t stand for it and neither should you.

You should maybe take a lead here and call the funeral directors about her...

So it it not just mental health she is alcoholic as well.
There are lot agencies out there that could help .

@ComeBy you’re right. This sort of people are never happy.

I have to say, that if you are OH was a friend or relative of mine, I would be advising him to leave you. I think your mother has done a real job on you, and now you believe she cannot function without your help, and that it is not her fault. It is her fault: she chooses how she behaves. I know different people handle depression and anxiety differently, but I think she is using it as an excuse ... oh this is the way I am, I can’t help it ... sort of thing. TBH, Even if this were true, would you want someone like this around your children? It’s not going to get any better, you know. I would not want my children to be brought up with such a woman in their lives.

Two quotes from your OP:

My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

So actually they don't want to acknowledge that she's a manipulative bully, but they don't want to help her either. They get to avoid being the baddies for saying what she's like, but don't have to cope with the fallout from her.

You cannot solve her problems by yourself. Nor can you hope that if you do enough for her, accept enough of her behaviour, that she'll suddenly realise what a gem of a daughter she's created, slap her forehead and say what a fool she's been. You can't buy her love.

If you must have her around until the funeral so be it - but you tell DP (and mean it) that when it's over he will never have to be in her company again.

And stop giving her money. She'll have to sort something else out, or those oh so understanding ('she can't help it') relatives chip in instead. If it's 'enough to live on', it's not peanuts. So regardless if you are paying her out of your own money, it is going to impact on your DP and any children down the line. When you can't afford a bigger house or car because she's swallowed it up. When you have to tell DP that you can't do something together that he suggests because you have no money left.

I have my own difficult family. I have not cut them off. That is just farther than I can take it. Instead I set strong boundaries.

With my father, I had to get very explicit that certain conversations would never be tolerated near my child. It took some time, and me chastising him repeatedly, but he learned. It is really awful to call out a parent for misbehaving or saying something wrong, but in certain circumstances it has to happen.

So I would talk to your partner about trying to set better boundaries with your mother. Agree to meet her outside your shared home. Talk to her about how her behavior is problematic and make it clear that she has to watch herself. Yes, this will upset her, but it has to be done. Agree with your partner that if it does threaten to impact on your children, you will always put your children first. That is the biggest thing. With MH problems in parents we grow up accommodating them. It’s not healthy for us. I don’t want my child to be that way, so I know I have to stand up for her.

but you tell DP (and mean it) that when it's over he will never have to be in her company again. - I should have added 'because she's going back home'. I suspect she thinks that because she's staying with you now, she can manipulate it into being a permanent arrangement.

I think, if I were the OP's DP, I'd be looking to the future as this woman gets older and even less capable, and worrying that the OP would want her to live with them permanently so she could care for her mother.

That would put the tin lid on it for me - I'd be off. All the promises in the world now wouldn't help if there was the slightest risk of having her permanently in the house later.

If she is under 64, she could get Personal Independence Payments or if she's over 64, possibly Attendancd Allowance. She'll need more medical evidence though. Could you encourage her to seek help from her GP, get her benefits sorted and then slowly back off?

How much money are you paying her every month?
How much does this add up to over a year? Once you and your partner are married it will be family money, are you prepared to take that money from a future child?

She needs support to get benefits.

I would go very low contact and keep strict boundaries in place. Don't force your DP to see her, don't invite her to the wedding, don't tell her when you become pregnant.

It is possible she will ramp up suicidal and self harm behaviour but she needs to be directed to professional support if that happens.

I have less sympathy since your latest update. She is abusing your partner but you still want to let her stay with the two of you in your shared home. If I was him I'd be very angry about that.

You're making so many excuses for her. She could claim Universal Credit and she would get £409.89/month. That's not a huge amount but with careful budgeting she could afford food and essential bills. She has no mortgage or rent to pay. She'd also be entitled to full Council Tax Reduction so she should have no Council Tax to pay. And on means tested benefits, she would probably have been entitled to a grant towards replacing her boiler.

When you were a child, you had no choice but to put up with her abuse. You're an adult now and you do have a choice. The conditioning runs deep, so it will be hard to undo, but you must do it.

If you don't, I can only imagine how frustrated your poor partner will feel.

I don't see why she can't get UC if she has no income , no job etc.

OP, this is MAD. Unless you are ridiculously wealthy there is no way I would be happy with my partner - in a marriage - giving what should be family money for upkeep for someone who refuses to work and has made herself unemployable.

How are you planning to keep this up when you are on Maternity Leave? When you have childcare to pay for or when you as a family rely on your DH's income? Or you need to support your DH to be as a SAHD? Giving away money that should be supporting your own child? Unless you are rolling in it very few spouses would accept that!

Get counselling, read the books, clear the FOG! This woman will bring your life down, and your FOG will only increase when she really starts to need care because she is older. If it carries on at present, your DP should run for the hills. And start using a condom.

Seriously.

Not getting at you, you have done nothing wrong, but this is how the situation IS.

I think your husband has given you an ultimatum and hasn’t done so lightly.

He’s thinking ahead to your lives together and a family.

I think he is prepared to leave you if you don’t do this.

You have a right to have your abusive mother in your life but equally he has a right not to.

I voted YANBU because I imagine this is an incredibly difficult decision for you, she’s your mum after all.

But if you “choose” him over your mum, I think your life will be better.

I totally get the being pulled in 2 directions and the guilt you feel for wanting to let them go. Especially when they have had 18 years of emotional abuse and conditioning to make you you feel that way but honestly you need to walk away. Otherwise that toxic nasty ness will taint the next generation. I cut my awful mother out 8 years ago after she told me she wouldn’t come to my wedding if my dad was there. It was the most reliving and feeing thing I have ever done and I never regret it. This isn’t about your boyfriend. Make the choice for you

So, she's still living with you right now, along with your DP? He must be extremely tolerant! But you need to promise him that things will change right away. If she does n't apologize to him, then I think that she needs to leave your house immediately. If toddlers/young children can be made to apologize, then your mother can too! As for the funeral, well you can still arrange it without your mother's interference. And if, by kicking her out, she is unable to attend, so be it! Lots of people have relatively poor reading/writing skills, yet they manage. If you do decide to have her at your wedding (if she apologized to your partner, he accepts the apology and agrees to her attending) it should be under strict conditions and you should ensure that another relative is in charge of her/will evict her/take her home at the first sign of trouble). Your DP sounds very tolerant. Don't take advantage of this just because he is easier to placate. Everyone has their breaking point and it sounds like he is getting close to reaching his.