DP wants me to cut off my mother.

[Bloodymother321]

My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.

She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.

We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.

This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.

He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.

We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.

I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Interesting that your thread title is ‘Dp wants me to cut off my mother’ and not ‘My selfish mother is attempting to ruin my relationship’ which is what the problem really is. It’s not your Dp’s fault. If you have to choose between them for gods sake see sense and kick your horrible mother into touch. She is choosing to behave this way and blame it on her mental health. She is choosing to treat you like this. She is choosing to spoil your relationship. Why are you letting her? Just because she’s a blood relative doesn’t mean she has any say in your life. We can’t choose who we’re related to. You can choose your partner.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

Having MH issues is not an absolute excuse for abusing someone lile this. I would not tolerate this at home at all and she would be shown door very quickly.

I understand she is your mother and it's hard but I am with your DP. And I absolutely agree with PPs. She 2ill ruin your wedding. And your time with baby. And everything really

[PopsicleHustler]

Sorry if it looks like I took over the post with a long rambling story about me
Was just giving an insight so apologise it was an essay lol. I didn't realise.

Lots of love

[jessycake]

I feel very sorry for you OP , you are right you mum does love you and that is very important to you . Your future husband should be equally angry at the health and social care system that refuses to acknowledge her more severe mental health and expects her to function like everyone else . I expect she has some kind of personality disorder , I would first see if you can get any help or support for her .
Many people will suggest just walking away , but it is never just that easy is it ?

[julybaby32]

Please, please don't have a child while the situation is like this.
It is really horrible seeing grandparental abuse. It must be a million times worse being the victim of it. Your Dh must be a lovely person and love you very much to have put up with abuse for so long (and it is abuse whether or not the person can help doing it.) My MIL is emotionally abusive and has been so to my DH as well. When we got together he made it very clear early on that him having children has not ever been an option. His grandfather was emotionally abusive to him and his father ( the son in law) (and I think his grandmother and uncle). His mother ( the favoured child) was emotionally and financially abusive to him and his father. My DH, rightly, I think, refuses to pass on that abuse to another generation. He is a lovely, lovely person and would make a great father. He is a wonderful, kind husband. He still does everything he can for his mother and she has put us through some really difficult situations, one so bad that I found myself thinking that at least my own lovely mother was not alive to see us both so miserable. But rightly, my DH has put the child we will never have first. He also did everything he could to shield me from my MIL.

[MrsNoah2020]

My mother is similar, though luckily only really bad when her mental illness flares, so it is less of a mind-fuck because we see the clear difference between "well Mum" and 'ill Mum". So I can see both sides for you, OP,, because I do love her and feel sorry for her. OTOH, it took me years to understand that I could put myself (which included DH & DsC) first, and I think you might be struggling with that. It's very common for children of people with MH and addiction issues to find this difficult, because we have been trained to put our parents' needs before our own.

Could I gently suggest some counselling? It made the world of difference to me, in understanding all this. And remember you don't have to go NC permanently. I have been NC for brief periods, LC for others. Most of the time, I am lowish contact and that works fine and is far healthier for me than the days when I used to listen to her rant at me for hours.

[Cam2020]

Has adult social services ever been involved? It sounds like she needs more help than you are able to provide, OP.

I wouldn't be able to just walk away from my parent either, but the situation is not fair on you or your partner. She needs to get out of your home for a, start. She'll always be to your mother and you'll always feel responsibility towards her, but that would be a lot easier to manage at arms length and your partner shouldn't have to be a part of that if he decides not to be - and to be fair, I can completely understand why he wouldn't. You're in a really tough spot but she has buggered up her own life and relationships, don't let her do that to you and isolate you just as she has herself. She needs help and you need your own life.

[fuckinghellapeacock]

I had an F who 'couldn't help it' but I cut him off and after 2 years when I saw him then suddenly it turned out he 'could help it' because now he is really nice to me.
Women over 30 will remember days when men 'couldn't help' flashing women on public transport and in the park - but it happens rarely now, due to camera phones.
Lots of behaviour dismissed as 'they can't help it' is absolutely the choice of the person doing it.
Cut her out and let her stew. Tell her CLEARLY that your partner is your priority, not her. Protect your child.

[Devlesko]

As you only visit her a few times a year, I'd keep this up tbh.
You need to stop giving her money though as you have your own family now.
She can get agencies to help with paperwork like Citizens Advice, my bil does this for people in her position.
Once the funeral is over she will be gone for the next however long before you choose to visit, maybe cut down to twice a year.

I agree with your dh, she sounds awful, and whilst you are bailing her out you are encouraging her to be like that. She can help it btw, she could get meds from her gp to control her outbreaks, and once again you could arrange for ss to take over, rather than become involved.
I couldn't bring a baby anywhere near he as she is, and no way would I allow her to be like that with my dh, we'd have been gone, funeral or not.

[stealm]

This is a horrible situation. I was in a similar position with my ex's mother. She said similarly vile things to me all the time about how useless I was and other unimaginably evil things. She'd emotionally abused my ex all his childhood and he ended up in a complete mess.
We were due to get married and he'd already decided his family wouldn't be going to the wedding. I didn't want to bring a child into that family so I know exactly where you're DP is coming from.
Unfortunately, it all went pear-shaped and we split. His family were a major problem but also his issues arising from this - alcoholism, use of prostitutes, lying and so on.

I think you need to start by cutting your DP's contact with her as soon as possible. This is what I did at one point with my ex when we had split because of it. I said if we get back together I am not having any contact at all with someone who can talk to me like that. One of the things that hurt me the most was that ex NEVER once challenged her or called her out on her behaviour.
Your DP should not have to put up with this abuse from her therefore they should be NC.

Then you will have to decide how to proceed from there with a lot of discussions with your DP.

[ilovemyrednosedaymug]

Are you prepared to lose your DP over this? I know they say that blood is thicker than water, but this woman is abusive to your DP and you make excuses for her. My XMIL was horrible to me and everybody and I bit my tongue for XH's sake, but oh how I wish I had spoken up sometimes so that she didn't just keep getting away with her behaviour. But I didn't want to be seen as the difficult one, so I kept quiet.

You do need to support your DP in this, pull your mother up on her comments every single time, and cut her off financially. You are not responsible for her and probably won't be able to afford it when you have a child.

All the time you keep paying for her and making excuses for her, you are enabling her behaviour.

Get some counselling for yourself so that you can break free.

[MaxNormal]

I've put YABU, but I mean it kindly. I know how torn you must feel, it's really hard. But, and I say this gently, your partner deserves better than to have someone foisted upon him to abuse him. He should not be expected to put up with that. You should also not be giving her money.

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

Honestly I think he is completely right and that you expecting him to put up with being treated this way without retaliation or even standing up for himself is tantamount to emotional abuse. You're gaslighting him, making him out to be unreasonable for not wanting to be subjected to a torrent of abuse for the rest of his life. She CAN bloody help it. She could be getting treatment for her MH issues, she could be seeking diagnosis, getting therapy, looking into medication but instead she made your childhood miserable, is sponging off you to live and now she wants to make his life miserable too. Inevitably any child you have will grow up with horrific emotional damage, wondering why grandma hates them and why mummy won't protect them, your DPwill be made the bad guy when he stands up for them and then will end up divorcing/leaving you because he can't take anymore (rightly)

Yeah I wouldnt be having a baby with you either. It would have a horrible childhood with someone like that in its life and a mum who makes excuses for her vile behaviour. And she can help it.

[Bowchicawow]

Hi OP. I went LC with my mum - similar story to you.

I haven't cut her off, I remain polite but very distant and formal. We never physically see each other any more. I also went through a period of being torn, almost mourning a loss, but eventually came to terms with a supportive DH.

Agree with @letmethinkaboutitfornow. Prioritise yourself, your happiness and the family you are building. Your DP also deserves to be happy.

[wildone84]

As the daughter of a toxic (narcissistic) mother who cut off my mother long ago, I'd cut her off. This is a wake up call for you. If you feel you must, keep sending her income, but otherwise go no contact. Her behaviour is vile and your husband is right.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I really feel for you but unless you want her to take over your life and ruin your me tal health you need to take several massive steps backwards.

Stop the income, it controls you and means she always has a reason to be in contact with you.

Respect your partners wishes, he has every right to not be abused. That needs to come before your mother's wishes if you want to be married.

Your mother could engage with treatment, she chooses not to.

[Lolaismydog]

Your mother is abusive and you are stuck in a cycle of fear-obligation-guilt (google it).
But you can choose to change things for yourself and your future family. Your DP is right and people are giving good advice.

[wildone84]

and please do not bring a child into the world and let it have contact with her. It'd be tantamount to abuse.

[endlessginandtonic]

Your partner has a wife problem.

You need to have his back and you both need to protect each other from your mother, you are hanging him out to dry here.

Leaving aside the fact you aren't supporting your partner, you need to consider the impact that this woman would have on your dc. It doesn't sound as though she would be able to have even basic supervised contact with them for their own mental health safety.

I would suggest you get some therapy to look at how you build a life for yourself focusing on yourself and people who are good for you.

You deserve better than this and so does your partner.

[gutentag1]

Your DP sounds like he's being very reasonable and you need to respect his wishes and at least keep her away from him. If you want to visit her then that's up to you, but allowing him to be abused in his own home is not ok.

Also I don't buy "she can't help it", I know plenty of people with mental health problems who aren't outrageously rude.

[CucumberTree]

OP, you have a good man there. Stop paying her an income. She can be helped to claim benefits, go low or NC with her. You owe her nothing, live your life for you. Do you want your child to witness this treatment?

[Tootletum]

Leave her to sort herself out. She is not your responsibility. Easier said than done I'm sure but I think it must be. Have therapy and keep your lovely sounding man.

[Fanthorpe]

Awful situation, if she’s got MH issues has she had a review recently?

The main thing here is that you can only support her if you put yourself and your wellbeing first. She’s choosing to treat your DP like this, and she’s behaving abominably.

Please don’t accept it.

The Stately Homes thread is very helpful, as is the Out Of The Fog website.

Good luck.

[Feedingthebirds1]

No way should you be allowing your DP to be treated like that. Her behaviour isn't in any way acceptable and you should be standing up for him. he is your priority, not her.

Have a shufti on MN for the (many) threads where it is the woman being treated like that by her MiL - the advice is always that her DH/DP should put her and any children first, and that if he doesn't/won't stand up to his mother, she should think about leaving him. And that's regardless of the reason MiL is being like that - personality, MH issues or whatever.

And you'll find yourself in the same position. if you won't cut contact with your mother, your DP will know where he fits into your priorities and will sooner or later leave to find someone for whom he is the first.

And do you really want to bring a child into this world and have him/her around your mother's toxicity?

Because of her behaviour you have reached the point where you have to choose - DP or DM. You are of course free to choose DM if you so wish, but you can't have both.

[FedUpAtHomeTroels]

I'm with your Dp. You can't expect him to live like this, to you it may be normal life. Don't bring a baby into this mix, you should also not be supporting her finacially, she's an adult. Many many adults with axiety depression and mental health issues managed to live an independant life, she's not your child.