DP wants me to cut off my mother.

[Bloodymother321]

My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.

She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.

We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.

This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.

He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.

We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.

I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.

[monkeyonthetable]

@FusionEsque - that must be so hard. I feel for you. You both need to establish boundaries too. She eats what you eat or she sorts out her own food and pays for it and cleans up after herself if she uses your kitchen to prepare it.

I have no tolerance for parents who expect their children to parent them. And I absolutely hate people who use MH issues as a get out of jail free card for their bad behaviour. Many people with severe mental health issues do everything they can to ensure they don't place too much burden on family. MH doesn't automatically mean manipulative.

[Fanthorpe]

@FreshEggs I’m really sorry you’re blaming yourself for what happened. Your mother exploited you and it sounds like perhaps your childminder let you and your son down. It sounds like you acted with the information you had at the time, and that your mother brought you up to put her needs first.

[Beamur]

You need to get your Mum moved back to her own place as soon a you can.
Regarding funding her. Can you afford it? Can you continue to afford it if you have a baby? Don't expect your DP to contribute to this.
As someone else said, as kindly as possible, your enabling is part of the problem.
It sounds like an arm's length, cup of tea type arrangement is good. But your partner is right to push you to loosen the strings.

[monkeymonkey2010]

I know how hard it is when you're enmeshed in the F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt).
The problem here is that this dynamic is not sustainable - your relationship is at risk.
Your DP sounds like he's been an amazing support so far and understanding - but he's only human and has a limit.

If you want kids, how will you personally afford to keep subsidizing your mum?
I doubt your dp will be happy at the idea of joint funds being used to subsidise your mum, or having to top up your share of joint funds cos you give her your money.
No matter how wonderful he is, he is only human and these kind of things breed resentment.

I'd advise setting up an appointment with a benefit advisor, get advice for her re benefit entitlements and support from external agencies.
Speak to her GP and inform them of your worries and ask for a referral to SS.

She CAN do more for herself than she is - she's just always had you parenting her and she knows how to pull your strings....this woman managed to have kids and bring them up, don't forget that.
She CAN take more responsibility for herself...

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I think you are so enmeshed in this toxic relationship that even though you say you only spend a few days per year with her in reality I think it is far more times than you think

Popping around for a cup of tea comes across as something you do daily/weekly.
not a few times a year which is how you described your relationship.
Paying money to her is again keeping that communication open and not keeping her at arms length.

Your siblings keep her at arms length. I think you need to look at why you can’t.

[Andwoooshtheyweregone]

That must be so so hard. What was she like to you growing up? Was she abusive? What does your sibling think about this have you a close relationship with them? Do they keep their partner away from your mum?

[Shelby2010]

@FreshEggs - please don’t blame yourself for your son’s eating phobias. Think of all the babies that have been weaned around the country (world, even), in different ways and at different ages. The fact that only a small percentage of them will have such severe eating phobias as your DS suggests there is more going on than what the child minder gave him to eat.

I may be wrong (happy to be corrected) but I also understand that many food phobias are linked to the type of sensory issues which are more common with ASD. So again, nothing to do with what the baby was first fed.

[Teadrinker6]

Do you live together? I'm so sorry your in this position but this is not fair on your partner. Your partner wants to be with you, not your mother and it seems you come as a package. This is going to effect every relationship you have