DP wants me to cut off my mother.

[Bloodymother321]

My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.

She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.

We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.

This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.

He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.

We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.

I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.

I was all ready to come on shouting red flag. He's trying to cut you off. Having read it, I think he's got a point!
Why are you supporting her financially? Cut her off. She doesn't love you and your partner has a right not to be verbally abused in his own home!

If your DP was my friend and he was telling me about his situation, I would tell him to absolutely not have children with you or marry you in these circumstances. It would be madness to knowingly sign up for a life with a MIL like that. Its unfortunate but you have to decide if you want to keep enabling your mothers behaviour at the cost of your relationship, or cut contact with her and enjoy a full life with your partner. For me, going off the history you’ve given and how horrible your mother sounds, it would be an easy decision

I'm afraid I'm with your DP on this one.

If she actually isnt able to function, rather than putting the resposnisibility of life onto your shoulders, then there is help for her, but she wont get it while she is leeching off you.

If she were my dh's mum I would have stopped having anything to do with her some time ago, and left dh to deal with her. I wonder if I would have continued seeing her if she were my own mum, I can't say for sure.

Your dp is a saint in this regard.
Are Adult Services involved? If not they jolly well should be. Is she claiming UC or whatever? She needs SS involvement, she really does. Contact them, tell them youc an't help her anymore (even if you can). Stop paying her basic income too; she should be on UC, HB, ESA, PIP. Once all that' sbeen sorted out by SS then you may find that actually she has enough coming in and you can spend your money on your wedding/honeymoon/house/baby.......

Stop making excuses for her. She can help it, by getting assistance. Dr, therapy, medication and benefits.
You are enabling her. She has an income and a family in you, what reason does she have to try and change?

Stop making excuses for her, a mental illness is not a reason to not own and deal with your shit.

My mother is similar we have lc because of it. People enabled her all my life and as a result, when I was being abused, they were too busy dealing with her to notice.

I think your DP is being very unreasonable. He shouldn't have to deal with her or her toxic nature. As for you that's your mother. If you need to be LC for your own sanity then do so. But I wouldn't let someone else dictate my relationship. As for her not coming to the wedding.. yeh personally I'd tell my partner to do one. I wouldn't have my mum miss such an important moment for the sake of someone else. Marriage is all about adapting and sacrifice. I know many wouldn't support that view but I'm big on family and especially parents.

She clearly does have mental health issues, and may be bipolar? He should have total space from her, maybe never see her, and if she came to the wedding just ask another family member to keep her distracted and to have as little involvement as possible.

As for your children that's something you'd both have to discuss. Your mum might be a saint toward her grandkids even if she treats you terribly, or she might be terrible to them too.

I just think it's quite controlling of your partner to tell you to cut your mum off. That's not his business.

If your partner was posting, I would advise him not to marry you or TTC unless you made significant changes.

I think he is unreasonable to ask you to cut all contact with your mother, but I think he is reasonable to ask the following:

• That your mother is no longer invited to your shared home; it's his home too and he should not be forced to have her there if he doesn't want to. If you want to see your mother, you can visit her or meet her on neutral territory (without him)
• That you stop giving her money. Giving her "a basic income to live off" is unbelievable, there are benefits for that (I expect she has her reasons for not wanting to claim benefits but that's not your problem). In a healthy relationship it might be reasonable to help her financially from time to time (depending on your own finances) but given that the relationship is hugely dysfunctional, there should definitely not be any money involved.
• That you get counselling to discuss your relationship with your mother, past present and future. If you want children of your own, it's crucial that you evaluate your relationship with your mother first.

My advice for you is simple; read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, maybe post on the Stately Homes threads and definitely get counselling.

The decision about how you manage your relationship with your mother - whether you cut all contact, stay as you are, or do something in between (ie reduced contact with strict boundaries) - is yours and yours alone. Your partner shouldn't dictate. But you should listen to his concerns and respect his right not to see her himself.

OP, you will have to do what you feel is best, but so will your partner have to choose for himself.

I think your mother's behaviour is not acceptable and I would be terribly upset if one of my son's was around that in a long term relationship.

You may have to choose just as he is telling you he will.

Wishing you well OP.
A very difficult situation for you.
I think you should choose you, but the choice is yours.

Your partner needs to be non-contact with her. You need to be low-contact with very strong boundaries or non-contact. Probably non-contact while you try to find your feet.

You are not responsible for her. You owe her nothing. Her abuse has twisted your boundaries so you feel like an exasperated parent with a feckless adult child.
You are both adults and there are no responsibilities. Adult family relationships are about mutual bonds of love and there is no love here, just abuse and guilt and mis-placed obligation.

Strangely enough these types tend to have a stubborn habit of clinging on and surviving long after they drive their support network away. They are nowhere near as fragile as they would have you believe.

I'm with your DP. And also that this is a crossroads moment for you. Time to choose and stick by your choice. I kind of can't believe you've expected him to keep putting up with that kind of abuse.

You're propping your mother up, not helping her, and you're doing it for your own reasons. At least feeling she needs you is some way towards the love and appreciation she never gave you. Time to sort your own shit out and let her sort hers. If she's capable of obtaining a job she can cope with life; if she becomes unable to do so, adult services will keep her from starving. Decide to commit to your family with your DP, or let him go.

@AnotherEmma

If your partner was posting, I would advise him not to marry you or TTC unless you made significant changes.

I think he is unreasonable to ask you to cut all contact with your mother, but I think he is reasonable to ask the following:

• That your mother is no longer invited to your shared home; it's his home too and he should not be forced to have her there if he doesn't want to. If you want to see your mother, you can visit her or meet her on neutral territory (without him)
• That you stop giving her money. Giving her "a basic income to live off" is unbelievable, there are benefits for that (I expect she has her reasons for not wanting to claim benefits but that's not your problem). In a healthy relationship it might be reasonable to help her financially from time to time (depending on your own finances) but given that the relationship is hugely dysfunctional, there should definitely not be any money involved.
• That you get counselling to discuss your relationship with your mother, past present and future. If you want children of your own, it's crucial that you evaluate your relationship with your mother first.

My advice for you is simple; read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, maybe post on the Stately Homes threads and definitely get counselling.

The decision about how you manage your relationship with your mother - whether you cut all contact, stay as you are, or do something in between (ie reduced contact with strict boundaries) - is yours and yours alone. Your partner shouldn't dictate. But you should listen to his concerns and respect his right not to see her himself.

I'd agree with these conditions; you need your own counselling too.

From your title I expected to say your DH was being unreasonable, that it’s not up to him whether or not you go NC.

However, reading the story, YABU. Imagine marrying into this hell. If I were him I would have already walked out. There’s no way in life I’d be spoken to like that more than once, and I certainly would not marry someone knowing I’d need to face that for many years to come.

You’ve been groomed to accept it. Remember what it was like being a child around her. Do you want that for your children?

Think carefully.

Your DM sounds like my DM OP but mine isn't quite so bad.

It's not as easy as cutting contact as people say.

I agree SeagoingSexpot, the OP might not appreciate the fact that she is actually enabling her mother’s behaviour, even if she doesn’t see that.

Social Services can set up an Adult Guardian to pay her bills, etc if she is incapable. She might need to have her capacity tested (medically.) The fact that you have been doing this for years (and can probably prove it.) is a great start.

@Bloodymother321

I have clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder. They can be difficult to live with but they do not cause the behaviour you describe.

Possibly there are other issues going on (such as BPD) but all mental health issues can be significantly mitigated by a combination of medication and therapy.

I don't think enabling your mother is helping her. It is certainly going to cost you everything to continue doing so. I think getting her professional help is better than sublimating your life for her.

I just think it's quite controlling of your partner to tell you to cut your mum off.

He hasn't been controlling. He's tried to support OP for years and then discussed his feelings about the situation like an adult. He doesn't have to put up with being abused at his own wedding. He would be neglecful to let someone like that near his child.

So you can either keep your mother happy at the expense if your happiness or your DP.

OP, your mother is extremely toxic and if you choose her she will ruin every relationship of yours.

Nobody sane would put up with such behaviour.

She’s an adult and she chooses how to behave. You’re also an adult and can make your own choices whether to tolerate it or not.

Your DP is right, I wouldn’t like to bring a child into such environment and if anybody called me a vile human being in my own home they’d would be out f the door like a lightning.

You have only one life,are you willing to sacrifice it for your mother?

Wishing you all the strength to make a right decision and good luck.

I’m sorry, they’re right ^^^

💐💐💐

Agreeing with the other posters. I'm very low contact with a similar relative - it was so hard at first and I felt a lot of guilt, but ultimately they were harming me too, even if I didn't initially realise.

Your mum is either:

• unwell, in which case she can claim benefits if she's unable to work or function normally (which is not your responsibility to deal with - you are allowed to distance yourself from someone who is mentally ill if that person is actively being harmful to you and your family)

or

• very unpleasant (hence things not working out at a job, etc) and unwilling to change. If it's this then you're enabling her.

She will get worse when you have a child, trust me. If I were your DP, I wouldn't want her around me or any future children either, and having been in a similar position to you, you will (eventually) feel a weight lifted when you step back from her, I promise.

I have a sister in law like this. She has a host of diagnoses - since my daughter was diagnosed as autistic, I strongly suspect (armchair diagnosis) that she is also autistic, but it was never recognised. She relied more and more on us for support, which culminated in her moving in at the bottom of our road.

After some incredibly toxic behaviour directed at me because I refused to listen to her slag off my husband (her brother) I cut her off and blocked her on all media.

I have seen her a couple of times in the last year, but she has moved to a different town and I don't have to engage with her anymore.

Honestly, it's made the biggest positive difference to my MH.

My situation was different to your partner's in that my OH always acknowledged how hard she was to deal with and actively counselled me against getting too involved with her. I felt really sorry for her and tried to help, I ended up getting sucked in.

It is a massive relief to me now that I no longer have to give her any headspace. My husband is still in text contact with her, but he doesn't involve me in any of it.

We have never let her become too close to our kids - she has never had them on her own or babysat for us.

It's really hard - I can see MH problems in my daughter's future if we are not careful, so we are doing everything possible to support her and help her understand her autistic self and be proud of the person she is. I think a lot of my SIL's MH problems came from her home life and turning to drink and drugs to manage.

But at the end of the day, there is only so much you can do. MH problems are so hard to deal with - both as the unwell person and the carer. You have to distance yourself sometimes for your own sanity.

Big hugs because there's been a lot of hard advice on here - everyone is coming from a well meaning place but it's so hard to hear and act on because she's your mum.

I hope you find a way forward that enables you to be happy with your partner and keep a low contact with your mum.

You shouldn't cut off your mother as a condition for maintaining your relationship. You should only cut contact if you want to. As it is, you say you see her 'a few times per year'. It should be quite easy for your DP to avoid seeing her then and he is perfectly entitled to do that.

Your DM hasn't changed. Your DP's response to her has and he has jumped to cutting her off, not having her at the wedding, not having a child with you unless you promise to cut your DM off. They are massive demands/ultimatums and that would concern me.

Your DM is very difficult but I think there are red flags with your DP too.

My DMIL was like your DM. DP advised me to pussyfoot round her. I did it for the first few visits then I told him I would treat her the same way I treat everyone else. If she was difficult, I told her so. I had clear boundaries about any contact between us, and between her and our DC. Through my interactions with DMIL, DH saw he could engage differently with her and his attitude towards managing her moods and tempers changed.

@AnneOfCreamCables Her DP is well within his rights to set his own boundaries.
His boundary is that he will not have this horrible woman in his life or around his future children.

It's not controlling or manipulation. It's his boundary.

The OP needs to work out wether she can accept that or wether she needs to end the relationship.

You have a real dilemma here and one I have seen close up.

All you can do, in my opinion, is try to keep your mother in check, see less of her for a start, and continue to persuade your partner to have patience. He must see how torn you are.

It's best if you spend more time just with him and have good times, keeping your mother separate as far as possible. If she speaks sharply or wrongly to your partner, correct her. Even if she doesn't recognise it or apologise (I know the type who is never wrong), he will appreciate you sticking up for him.

Don't worry over what he says about having a baby, you're not even pregnant yet so that is for the future and he may not have meant it. People say things in the heat.

Both of them must realise you are in the middle, being pulled both way and that is unfair to you. It strikes me that out of the three of you, you are the one suffering most. Make that clear and ask them both if they like seeing you in such distress. I daresay your mum's retort will be that it isn't her fault, it's his, but he must acknowledge it. He can keep out of her way unless unavoidable.

Other than the above, I have no suggestions because I don't know any of you personally but I do really feel sorry for you.

Sometimes it's easier to be single, maybe have a fella with whom you do not live and just visit parent(s) occasionally :-).

An apology really wouldn't have repaired this for your DP, OP.

I don't understand why you are giving your mother money? Doesn't she qualify for benefits? I agree that you really need to step back for the sake of your marriage and any future children, this will only get worse.

I also agree with suggestions that you contact Social Services, tell them she is vulnerable and ask for a full care assessment. Make it very clear to them that you have to step back and will not be providing care, because they will lean on you to do that. If it's at all possible, move further away.