DP wants me to cut off my mother.

[Bloodymother321]

My mother has severe MH issues - if she was a child today she’d be diagnosed with a whole range of issues but currently it’s just depression and anxiety.

She’s always been extremely difficult and my childhood wasn’t great with her - constantly treading on egg shells and a host of emotional/verbal abuse. I couldn’t wait to leave home at 18 and never went back. In my adult life I’ve never really spent more than a couple of days with her and only visit a few times a year but that’s more for her sake than mine.

We’re currently spending more time together due to a family emergency/organising a funeral etc and she’s being awful to everyone she’s around. My family understand that it’s ‘just her and she can’t help it’.

Yesterday she gave her opinions to my partner out of nowhere because he was being slightly cold with her (he was getting to the end of his tether as she’s been making digs at us, our home and at him for days now). She’s told him that I’m way too good for him, that he’s not a real man (because she saw me taking out the bins), that he’s a disgrace of a human and called him every name under the sun. Two minutes later she asked him what he was making for dinner (she’s able to flip and then be completely fine which is a complete head fuck). He’s honestly been really good to her for the last couple of years and he’s a good person.

This morning he offered me a cup of tea and offered her one as well which she replied ‘do not talk to me’ but then changed her mind and demanded that he made her one.

He’s absolutely fuming, hiding out in our bedroom biting his tongue.

We’re trying for a baby and hoping to get married in the next year or so and he’s had a serious chat with me that he doesn’t want to bring a baby into this family and he certainly doesn’t want her at the wedding. I’ve begged her to apologise but she 100% believes she’s done nothing wrong.

I would cut her out as she only brings stress to my life but she’s not able to function by herself - not able to hold down a job for more than a couple of weeks due to ‘personality differences’ and she struggles with any form of paperwork therefore I give her basic income to live off and have to help her function. She doesn’t have any friends and every family member keeps her at arms length - Sadly nobody wants to be around her.

She is toxic/manipulative/bitch but she can’t help it. If I cut her out of my life she could be dead for years and nobody would notice. She does love me and I do really feel sorry for her.

I feel pulled and really don’t know what to do.

[LavaLamp5566]

Like everyone has already said; Imagine how she'd treat your children? She'd probably treat them like rubbish under her shoe.

If you dont do it now, you never will and you'll end up losing a future you want with this Man. He might get fed up, walk away and find someone new

[VettiyaIruken]

I don't bloody blame him. I would get to the point of taking my child and leaving if the alternative was to be verbally (and financially) abused and have my child grow up seeing that and very probably having that turned on them too.

Choose your partner and your child over your mother.

[Carlottacoffee]

Bloodymother32 my mother is the same. I’ve been NC now around 18 years.

Your mother can help it. It doesn’t matter if people in your family think it’s ok for her to inflict this on your husband is awful.

She can cope with out you. She’s still here now living and breathing.

My mother has been in and out of MH wards after being sectioned. She has a whole host of diagnosiss. She’s ‘attempted‘ to kill her self three times. ( whilst I was in contact) Always hanging and always when some one is near by to find her. I know what a having a mother like this is like.

Get her out of your house. Your misplaced loyalty and sense of duty could permanently damage your marriage. Your dh should not be subjected to her bile.

She absolutely CAN control herself. It’s just that she is nasty and hides behind her MH.

Oh and the ‘dead for years’ yeah I hear you - My mother moved and didn’t tell a single person where she lived. Also changed her number so other family members couldn’t get hold of her. I started to worry that she might be dead but was able to track her down and guess what?- she was doing quite fine.

Plus if she died you’d get notified by the police as they will track her next of kin through records.

[AlternativePerspective]

If i were in a relationship like this I would leave.

There is no way on earth I would want to bring a baby into this kind of toxic environment and for me it would be ultimatum time. Either you see your mother alone and cut off all financial support to her or the relationship would be over.

Time to choose OP.

[ishouldtryabitmoreachday]

If you have kids and don't want them around her how can you support her ? It's going to be very difficult so you'll end up taking the baby around there and it sounds draining, especially once you have a baby and all that sleep deprivation. She sounds bi-polar, surely the GP could do more, some medication could help? This will also put a strain on your relationship.

Can she move into sheltered housing or a warden assisted apartment?!

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

You need to drastically change the dynamics. You need to tell her how she is expected to behaved and have a 0 tolerance for any rudeness etc. If she is rude leave and go LC for a while. If it doesn’t work go NC. You deserve a life.

[LouiseTrees]

I think you need to tell your mother some home truths and stop financially supporting her. Give her bread and milk by all means but not an income, sort of a beggars can’t be choosers scenario.

[ishouldtryabitmoreachday]

Someone told me to look up the stately homes thread and that I only see my parents due to Guilt and a sense of obligation. It's so true and it's hard thing to break because you feel you should love and care as you are blood, but you have to see how they treat you and your family.

[TitianaTitsling]

She sounds awful, your poor DP I would also be worried about any child she would have access to. Does she have any diagnosis or help? Does she not claim any benefits that would stop you having to sub her?

[Rainycloudyday]

You should have some counselling to resolve your issues around your mother before you even think about TTC. Your partner is right and if I were him I’m afraid I would be walking away from you. I wouldn’t stay with someone who didn’t properly stand up for me and expected me and our future children to accept regular abuse from your mother because ‘that’s just who she is’. That’s not ok and if it were the other way around you would be being told to run a mile from your partner and his toxic family. I feel for you, but you need to get this properly sorted in your head and decide where your loyalties lie before she takes away your future.

[EL8888]

She sounds like a nightmare and l can see why he is saying this. I don’t see why anyone needs to put up with her. Instead of you subsiding her, then she needs to learn to be more reasonable and get on with people. Your actions in many ways are letting her be this way

[ThePlantsitter]

You probably need help -in the form of therapy - with this. I don't disagree with all the people siding with your DP but you need to untangle your childhood experiences and current emotions because I doubt you will just cut her out or go low contact without help. If you can, do it. There's no question you should - but there is help available to you to make it happen if you feel you can't. DP should support you in that.

[MitziK]

If the rest of the family think it's just how she is and she can't help it, then they can support her and deal with everything for her from now on.

Your DP is right in this case.

[GabsAlot]

sorry but unless there is something else she hasnt been diagnosed with she can help it-the refusing to apologise is a sign shes an abuser and your dp shouldnt have to put up with that

as for finances cant you get on to ss for advice-if she cant survive alone she needs to be in assisted accomodation

[heartsonacake]

YABVU. You can’t expect him to put up with that.

If you insist on seeing her it should be out of the house, away from your DP, and family money should not be used to finance her.

He’s right in that he would be an idiot to marry and have a baby when the environment is so toxic; it’s not fair on him and it wouldn’t be fair for the child.

[Jokie]

Your DP shouldn't have to put up with this and you deserve better.

[ErickBroch]

You need to keep them completely separate. She is obviously unstable but your partner doesn't deserve it and nor would your future children. My grandparents were alcoholics and awful to everyone but me - so i never let them to see anyone else in my family or my partner! It wasn't fair.

You need to come to an agreement where in the future she is kept completely separate from him and your future family. From experience, she is likely to cause a huge scene and ruin your wedding.

[Genevieva]

Seek advice from your GP and your Citizens Advice Bureau.

There are a whole host of issues here and there may be a middle way that causes less resentment, but you clearly need some distance. You should not be paying your mother's bills for her. When you take maternity leave and have childcare bills this could be a bone of contention. You also need clear boundaries established before you are expecting a baby. You cannot expect your partner to put up with walking on egg shells for his entire life.

[AtLeastThreeDrinks]

This is a chance to reassess your relationship with her. Put more distance between you and tell her why. Then further down the line when she tries to create drama over not being invited to your wedding, not being allowed to see the grandkids etc, you can remind her of how she behaved towards you and your partner.

If I were your DP I'd feel exactly the same. No one should have to deal with abusive language in their own home, and I also wouldn't want my children around her.

Perhaps suggest therapy, counselling, whatever to her. But it's not your job to look after her and I'm not sure why you feel it is after an abusive childhood.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Sounds similar to my mother.

Walked away fully many years ago.

Until you walk away then you cannot even contemplate bringing a child into this set up.
If I was your bf then I too would be looking at walking away if things don’t change.

[Isthisfinallyit]

So you give your mum a basic income, while wanting a child. Instead you could arrange benefits for mum and save the money for ypur childs education or getting on the housing ladder. Why are you doing this?

I wouldn't have a child with someone who might subject that child to an abusive grandmother so I understand where your partner is coming from. Maybe he would be willing to compromise that only you have some low contact with her to arrange adult social services/benefits et cetera?

[Silentplikebath]

Your DP sounds like an amazing person to have put up with your mother! Your choice is whether you prioritise having a normal family life with this man or to continue to look after your mother while she abuses you.

[Deelish75]

I'm with your DP here. Your DM is in control of her behaviour, she is choosing to do it. I grew up with a controlling mother. It got worse after I had my first child and I put up with it because I wanted a "normal" relationship but it was causing me so much stress and anxiety. I went very low contact after I had my second child and now we are non contact. My mental health has improved so much.

You need to find a way to grieve for the mother you never had, rather than chasing and hoping she could ever become it. She won't.

This with bells on.

[MaggieFS]

Sadly I think she's either just unpleasant and manipulative, which means she could function on her own if forced to. Or she's not, in which case she should be eligible for proper support. You're enabling her behaviour and you don't have to.

[PopsicleHustler]

Your story sounds like mine. I dont have any contact with my mother. She has bipolar, schizophrenia, anxiety, depressive, paranoia and another personality disorder I cant remember.


I had a really crap childhood, siblings involved in drugs, neglect at some points and parents were alcoholics. It was horrible. When I was 18, I couldn't want to leave too and then I married young and had my own shop and was just so happy to get away. I still stayed in contact but it was difficult as she would fly off the handle at small things, make things up, cause issues between other relatives. I tried to help and be with her. But she clearly favoured my drug addict sibling to me. She would say weird comments about my husband and grandchildren. She hated my friends. They were either whores or bad influences. She even hated my husband for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Everytime I would visit her she would always have something negative to say and cause a row and I still forgave so many times. But two years ago was the final straw
She told me to wake up and realise my husband is no good. He was at work and hadn't done anything. He is a good husband. He works hard and provides, makes me laugh until I wanna pass out, he's religious, which is important to me. He's kind and very polite even to my mum so many times he still went round. But we just had to call it a day.
And even though it hurts that I haven't had contact with her, I wish we were best friends. I wish I could take the kids over. She doesnt know I'm pregnant currently and in fact when we fell out last time , I was heavily pregnant. We haven't talked since. She doesnt even know if my now two year old is a boy or girl. I've just had to accept it. My father is not around either. I have no one apart from my husband and kids and my grandmother who is in a far part of the uk to us.
I lost a lot of friends too sadly when I reverted to islam. Which is really stupid because I am still a human being I am still your friend.
But tbh were they real friends in the first place. No.

My mums mental health issues are so severe and in the end I just had to cut ties and leave it as that. It was beginning to affect my mental health and wellbeing and I was In such a bad depression also, after having given birth to one of my other children.
The only way I hear of her is through my grandmother to check in and hear how she is. And am happy to know she has carers and a nurse visiting and has made friends with older ladies from the church. It's hard but it's the way it is. The kids were being affected too and I have to look at their side as well as mine.


If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't encourage my husband to cut ties with his mum unless it was that bad and affecting him and our family.
If I were.you I would look at how this situation is going to be in the long run, ie is she going to be laying negative comments to your children and so on. Its totally up to you. And am sorry you're going through this. I still cant believe how your story sounds like mine . Wishing you all the best