I hate his best friend's girlfriend

[timid2020]

Yesterday we met up with my DP's best friend and his girlfriend and I left feeling totally rubbish about myself (I always do after seeing her).

A quick disclaimer is that she is slim, beautiful, clever and very confident so I know a part of this is my own insecurity.

But I just don't like her, mostly because I get the impression she doesn't like me.

If we are together in a group, she usually ignores me - greets everyone but me or in the past has managed to almost turn her back so I'm left out of a conversation.

But one on one, lots of backhanded compliments come my way, said in a cheery way with a lovely smile.

Ie 'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort'

Just little digs that would make me look petty if I responded defensively and they always catch me off guard.

The chances are, we will be in each other's lives for the long haul.

Has anyone experienced this? Or found a way to not let it bother you / feel like water off a ducks back?

@Imissmoominmama

Next time she says something like that, just say ‘ouch’ in a deadpan way. Non confrontational, but it quietly highlights the mean comment.

I love this and will store it away for future dealings with passive aggressive people. I also like 'Really?' - again non confrontational but calls out the behaviour or nasty comment.

One if my SIL is like this. I figure that she must feel very insecure to say horrible things to and about others in order to make herself feel better. I avoid her where possible. She's a bitch.

Thank her and laugh!

Add ‘I’ve got a good one you can use - I don’t care what anyone else says you look lovely in that dress!’

I'd just avoid seeing her, personally. There really isn't any reason why you need to see her socially at all, except at major events. Let your fiancé meet up with his mate whilst you see friends who you enjoy being with.

, I don’t think you have to smile and ignore her. A well-placed, “Fenella, do fuck off, dear” said with a smile, will sort her out. She’s a rude cow and should feel the consequences of her behaviour.

Totally, totally agree. Being OTT nice might mean she genuinely thinks you’re a) thick b) are in thrall to her massive bitchiness.

Do whatever works for you, but the very next time she does this, I’d be turning round to her and asking her why she’s always such a bitch to you, or repeat really loudly to your DP in a hugely sarcastic way. A simple ‘ Wow, you turn everything into à bitchy comment, don’t you?’ will do. That or just say meow in a hugely sarky manner at every comment.

I’d be asking her why she arses herself talking to you as she clearly can’t stand you. Possibly she’s insecure, doesn’t mean you have to suck up her vile behaviour.

Hi, long time lurker but I just had to sign up and answer this.

there's a person in my life just like this and I can't avoid them either and it's honestly best to answer with a sharp response...whether it be "yes you do have quite large hands" or just a nice deadpan "Really???"

Be nice but don't overly fake it, just nod and smile and when something like this is said again just shut it down with a response. She will look like the mean bitch always saying rude things while you seem like the better, more mature person.

Good luck, have a wine on me

I have a “friend” who specialises in these comments - phrased perfectly to hurt, but in such a way that if you reacted at all everyone else in the room would think it was you who has the problem, not her.

I put up with it as she is just part of a wide circle of university friends and I never see her one on one, but I can imagine if she was my DH’s best friend’s girlfriend that would be awful. I agree with others, the best approach is to start saying “gosh, did you mean to sound so rude, it sounds like you’re saying my engagement ring is too small/I dress badly” etc while smiling blandly.

I also like the suggestion that you wait until it’s just the two of you and actually get a bit aggressive when she makes a similar comment “Look, we’re clearly never going to be best friends, but can you stop being such a bitch with these comments as our men are best mates and I’d like us all to carry on hanging out”. But I appreciate this takes a lot of guts and there’s a risk she goes telling everyone you went nuts for no reason, so I’d probably stick to the calling her out so she is the one in an awkward situation in front of everyone else. Good luck!

Where I'm from, instead of saying ouch, we say miaoww and show claws with the hand. Not suggesting you do that, but effective.

@giantangryrooster

Where I'm from, instead of saying ouch, we say miaoww and show claws with the hand. Not suggesting you do that, but effective.

See also the Vic and Bob style handbags with "OoOoOoh!".

jerometheturnipking 🤣

giantangryrooster
Where I'm from, instead of saying ouch, we say miaoww and show claws with the hand. Not suggesting you do that, but effective.

See also the Vic and Bob style handbags with "OoOoOoh!".

See also ' p-ew p-ew' with a finger gun, as in 'shots fired'.

picklemewalnuts googeling 🤣

She sounds like a prick.

Just keep a few stock responses.

That’s nice sweetie
Yes I don’t like over the top (items)
I know it must take you so long to (make up), where do you find the time
I didn’t have you down as the type
Oh I heard different Must of been mistaken I guess (walk away)

Etc very bland, nothing enough for any men folk to notice but very much yes I know what your doing and it’s boring yawn.

Get her to repeat it every single time.
Sorry,Mary will you repeat it,I didn't hear you.

Not only will it take the wind out of her sails.
She'll probably have more people listening cause you would have used your foghorn voice😂

If it doesn't sit right with you, then no need to reply with clever ripostes. For me, (and I have to say, this is only since I got older that I can do this), I find maintaining an expressionless face while maintaining eye contact works, keep it going until it becomes uncomfortable and she drops her eyes or turns away.

No need to vocalise, just a long stare.

Then I'd follow her to the loo and tell her to drop the fucking act, you know exactly what she's up to.

She's a bully and bullies are cowards, and they rely on their victims being scared of them, or too polite, to bring them up on their behaviour.

She's also deeply insecure. But that's her problem, not yours.

Actually I think the best thing you could do is respond with ‘yeah (awkward pause) I’m going to go talk to someone else now’

If you do that enough she’ll get the hint.

Can you not socialise with her ?

Ah, the jellyfish stings ....

I have survived a few people like this..: using one phrase, every time..: deadpan but loudly

'I don't know what you mean 'Mary' '

And if she continues and repeats herself...

I still don't know what you mean Mary (head tilt, direct stare with puzzled face)

Then she'll either
A. shut up

B. Dig and hole and say something that makes it worse - 'ah well so you did mean something unkind' (pause, walk off...) 'hey DP Mary said.... (🧐🤨😂) Do you think our engagement ring is too small ? Mary said it it's tiny ..'

C. (More likely) She'll have to quickly rephrase what she "meant" in a flattering way to you - lest someone else catches her - which she'll hate . And you reply 'Thankyou Mary, I am very fortunate' and smile

She'll learn to pack it in soon enough

I've occasionally repeated the exercise in total deadpan innocence at the dinner table if the others didn't hear before & it was juicy enough to be obviously a dig ' Hey do you know what Mary meant? She said earlier that blah blah ... it was strange and I didn't know what she meant ...' (accompanied by genuine puzzles look)

I felt like this about one of DP's friends' girlfriend... they're married now and actually I've really warmed to her. We are weirdly similar in a lot of ways and have a lot in common, though I am not sure that we'd have been friends without being forced iyswim?

We have even been on group holidays together! Time has made it easier, and DP had a chat with his mate about how she made me feel - I'm not sure it ever got back to her but if it did, it's worked as over the last 18 months she has become much more tollerable!

People like this are I’m sure not at all confident and she could well be jealous.she might be looking at you and thinking you are her ‘competition’ Had v similar experience and it got to the point where this woman was asking how much I weighed just to do a quick comparison.I then realised she was obsessed with somehow being ‘better’ prettier or whatever,than me.She was deeply unhappy with herself.

@Mollymalone123 that isnt insecurity, its npd (or similar). They make you and everything you do into the competition. Had one in uni myself. Sign you have a 'friend's who is npd - they turn everything into a competition. Even your hobbies or getting hold of the guy you like first! They do this not because they are insecure but because they dont have a sense of self - and are trying you and your life on. And also just because they need to 'win' at everything and beat you down to make themselves feel good (playground bullies) and to try to get you to relinquish your sense of self. It can get pretty damn creepy. Glad you got away safe!

Another thing the OP could say in these interactions is "Eh no, that is incorrect" and blatantly call her out on a statement that she makes about the OP. Be prepared to put it right back to her.

I really hope that the OP remembers to come back and update this thread as it would be very good for others as they face something like this as it is not an uncommon occurrence.

If lockdown's taught me anything, it's who I do and don't want to spend time with. Refuse any get-togethers she's attending. If there's an event you both have to attend, spin on your heel when she starts her shit. Just walk away from her, you don't have to say a word. Even if the bitch and her boyfriend don't get the hint, your DP will. Don't spend time with purposefully nasty people.

I can go for years without seeing some of DH friend's partners. I don't dislike them - I'm just not particularly close to them and we just don't socialise in that way. You don't have to.