I hate his best friend's girlfriend

[timid2020]

Yesterday we met up with my DP's best friend and his girlfriend and I left feeling totally rubbish about myself (I always do after seeing her).

A quick disclaimer is that she is slim, beautiful, clever and very confident so I know a part of this is my own insecurity.

But I just don't like her, mostly because I get the impression she doesn't like me.

If we are together in a group, she usually ignores me - greets everyone but me or in the past has managed to almost turn her back so I'm left out of a conversation.

But one on one, lots of backhanded compliments come my way, said in a cheery way with a lovely smile.

Ie 'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort'

Just little digs that would make me look petty if I responded defensively and they always catch me off guard.

The chances are, we will be in each other's lives for the long haul.

Has anyone experienced this? Or found a way to not let it bother you / feel like water off a ducks back?

'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

If you still can't get DP onside, tell him this was a dig at him

But yeah, I'd be telling your DP "I'm not being over sensitive. She is a bitch. We will not be having cosy little foursomes unless and until she grows up."

(I would daydream of calling her out in front of everyone though)

You need to perfect the tilt of the head, the little smile and the tinkerly laugh...."h, ha you do make me laugh"

Tell your fiancé what she said about your ring! That’s offensive to him also. I think you need to be brutally honest with him about how she makes you feel and why do you all need to socialise anyway? Just let him meet up alone with his best friend without the girlfriends?

She'll screw up at some point and get to big for her boots, say something snarky to you that everyone will hear in order to put you down.

At which point, there will be an awkward silence - and during that - you say calmly but loudly 'You're a real nasty piece of work arent you? Hey friends husband why are you dating a narcissist? You might want to do something about that'. And then get up say your polite goodnight and thanks for coming to everyone and leave.

They wont be able to sweep her remark aside because you called her on it. And her partner might do a little googling of 'narcissist' when he gets home and hopefully make some connections and dump the witch.

She sounds like a silly little girl and no matter how confident she might seem, she's obviously not. This is not the behaviour of someone who is confident. You don't need to stoop to her level by being insulting in return, OP, just reassert yourself in a non aggressive way. The ring for example: thanks, I love it. DP knows me so well. The lack of dressy clothes/makeup: yeah, well that's not really me.
You don't need to turn it into a bitch fest by passive-aggressive judgements about her, just show her you're happy with yourself and what you have.

Id explain the ring one to your fiancé as the equivalent of someone saying how lucky you've got such a small dick so you look great in those trousers.

She’s being intentionally rude. Don’t fuel the fire, just laugh at her dismissively

My mum used to say to me 'kill them with kindness and choke them with cream', meaning be as nice to them as you would anyone else and they won't know what to do with it.

I had a similar situation to yours many years ago when DH's best friends girlfriend used to say some awful things to me but with a smile and a head tilt. At first I thought I was imagining it until another friend noticed it to. One day at a barbecue I was sitting eating a hot dog or something and she said across the table in a 'too loud so everyone can hear' voice 'Careful Megatron you don't want to put all that weight on again' and made an oinking sound. (I'd lost some weight at the time). I said back 'Aw thanks, I'll be careful, I can let you know how I lost the weight if you like' and gave her a smile and a head tilt. Really bitchy of me, I know, but I was so sick of the comments and the constant PA put downs.

Almost 20 years later, we still see them (I never see her alone) and we get along fine ish. I wouldn't say we were friends but we certainly tolerate each other and she's never said anything remotely similar to me since, so that proved to me that it was very deliberate.

I'm not saying I would recommend this approach OP, you may choose to ignore, but I always felt shit when I had seen her prior to the one time I actually stood up for myself.

You could really have had fun when she said she wouldn’t be able to wear a ring like that. You could’ve said “I wonder if that’s why he’s not proposed to you yet...”

I swear by saying 'oh do fuck off' as one would to a friend, so with a big grin and a half-laugh. They can take it as seriously as they like, but they know that you know and have recognised that the gauntlet is down.

The trouble with situations like this is quite often they can take you off guard and that means you can’t always come up with the perfect reply. I agree with the ‘ouch’ response, or something like ‘oh that’s a good one, you’re very good at these little comments aren’t you!’ Just shows you know what she’s trying to do

See, I always think people making little comments like this are relying on the fact you are weak and won't answer them back. If every time she says something like that - you roll your eyes and say "here we go again - you bully", it might stop her in her tracks.

I wouldn’t even acknowledge the fact she is trying to be rude, my personal approach would be to kill her with kindness and answer all all of her passive aggressive digs with a very sweet response. I would otherwise ignore her and disengage as much as possible. Don’t let her drag you down to her level playing silly little girl games with her, it’s a waste of energy and your dignity is worth more.

I think your DP needs to understand why this upsets you. Not quite the same but my DH doesn’t like a few of my male friends as he says they’re really unfriendly to him and don’t make him feel welcome. I don’t think they’re doing it intentionally (They’re just quite clique-y) so I’m not calling them out on it, but I’ve told DH I completely understand and I see that group of friends mostly on my own now and see much less of them than I used to. I don’t expect him to go along to meet ups where he’s going to come away feeling crap!

I agree with @quietheart. based on what you have said she may well be a bit insecure.

You cant do anything about your responses in the past. In general I would give her the benefit of the doubt and respond t comments as if they were normal (non bitchy comments).

But you have been given some examples of responses that you can make.

but be prepared to question her when she makes some of these unusual semi bitchy comments - say "what do you mean, I dont understand what you are saying?".

Be prepared to disagree with her comments - take the opposite view - ref the ring you could say - I dont think its small or I think it would fit you just as easily. And if she said it wouldnt suit her you could say "do you not like my ring?"

I think if you start to respond and question her comments she will be more likely to desist from making them in the future. You may have a bit of short term pain with her but she will soon realise that she needs to think through before making a comment.

Take the compliment and ignore the insult. It is a tried and tested formula for driving PA people over the edge.
“Thank you. I really am blessed with good skin”
“Thank you. I’m lucky to have such beautiful hands.”

It’s guaranteed to make her up her game. If you can hold out long enough she’ll show her true colours.

But
Fiancé not grasping the subtlety of PA bitchiness is fine. That’s just a man thing. Fiancé not having your back is a red flag.

the comments you've given are certainly about looks

id be tempted next time she makes a personal back handed comments to say

for someone so beautiful you come across as having a lot of insecurities about your appearance, is that the case?

any back handed complement can be answered using that line though, so just have it ready

if she asks what do you mean

just be honest and say I feel you give me bank handed complements which has given me that feeling

you can finish by saying - our partners are friends and it would be good if we could get along

The thing is, if you put a leash on a rabid dog, it's still a rabid dog.

Asking her questions to try and confuddle her or trying to kill her with kindness doesn't change the fact that you are still stood next to an animal that bites.

And if you block her one way, she'll still be looking for another way to sink her teeth in.

It isn't your responsibility to attempt to train her to be a nice person. Nor is it possible. She is absolutely a threat to you.

She's probably horrible insecure and she's projecting. Probably because most girls decide they hate her before giving her a chance because shes good looking, so she gets ahead of them and gains the power first. Classic.

Don't give it head space. Let it all wash over you, don't play nicey nicey or get into one upmanship. Think Grey Rock.

If you need a more active tactic when you can't just ignore and avoid, go with 'ouch' or a hammed up clutch at the heart. But go light.

Or just accept and confirm the nice part of the comment.

But yeah, I'd be telling your DP "I'm not being over sensitive. She is a bitch. We will not be having cosy little foursomes unless and until she grows up."

This. I mean, it's not your problem. You'd be perfectly happy never to see her again. Your fiancé is the one who wants to see her socially, so the onus is on him to be the one who deals with it.

I have to say that personally I don't see the need to socialise with her. It suggests those pairs of couples you see out and about at the weekends at night, the two men striding ahead having a good old chinwag, and their girlfriends, bored to tears and done up to the nines, tottering along behind them, with no more interest in one another than in the footpath, only there because their boyfriends have these cosy double date ideas.

I've recently got back in touch with a childhood friend after living out of the country for years. Her husband is awful, so I see her separately.

After yet another bitchy comment, tell her you going to get a drink and ask her if she'd like a saucer of milk!

Rudenss that's direct as follows response: Pause. No reply. Then a delay. They ask 'Can you just repeat that' and pause. Let her repeat. If she has the balls to repeat it. I thought that's what you said. Pause. Wait. Pause. If she says nothing or tries to bat it off 'That was really rude, I'd appreciate it if you don't say such 'back handed rude compliments' -it is rude. Pause.

But it your case I would have said: -and I would have done

You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring' -reply: gosh you're a bit rude, well I love my ring. But if size is so important to you maybe you ought to address that with your partner rather than trying to make a rude comment about mine.

'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort' - gosh you're a bit rude, well I feel confident in myself and I'm me and I like me. Maybe you ought to work on your self esteem and then you wouldn't feel the need to put others down.

But then I bite.

I think I'd go for a catch-all reply, like "What a lovely compliment! Thank you!" with a smile.

It has the benefit of letting her know that you're not really listening to her (only heard the first bit), you're totally confident in yourself (couldn't imagine anyone trying to insult you) and you're not giving her anything for her to complain/bitch about ("OMG I totally gave her a compliment and she told me to fuck off! She's so meeeeeaaann to meeee")

It's almost impossible to think up specific responses in these situations as the Mean Girl is clever at finding a multitude of insults.

[quote timid2020]@Honeyroar

They aren't married or engaged, but it's on the cards so there's no reason to be jealous.

Our wedding was postponed (Covid) which was met with a lot of pity and how sorry she felt for us, despite me trying to put a positive spin on it!

It seems like jealous behaviour but I really can't think of any reason she'd be jealous of me, if all people. And she seems very confident.[/quote]
Yeah, the fact that you ARE engaged and she isn't is plenty of reason for her to behave badly if she's the queen bee type who always has to be top/first/best at everything.

You've beaten her to the punch - you got engaged first. I would put money on her trying to upstage your wedding by getting married first if at all possible; and if not possible, then she will do everything she can to do her own wedding better than yours, just so she can say she is better.

Now this could indeed stem from her own insecurity - a lot of seemingly confident people are also masking their own insecurities, and keep themselves up by bringing others down around them - or she could just want to win at all costs.

Either way, this isn't going to go well if you even attempt to compete or show that you are hurt/upset by anything she says.

So hard though it is, just pity her that she feels she must behave in this way to feel better about herself, and be secure in your own choices.

And yes, if you can get in a reversal of her lines to you, so much the better.