I hate his best friend's girlfriend

[timid2020]

Yesterday we met up with my DP's best friend and his girlfriend and I left feeling totally rubbish about myself (I always do after seeing her).

A quick disclaimer is that she is slim, beautiful, clever and very confident so I know a part of this is my own insecurity.

But I just don't like her, mostly because I get the impression she doesn't like me.

If we are together in a group, she usually ignores me - greets everyone but me or in the past has managed to almost turn her back so I'm left out of a conversation.

But one on one, lots of backhanded compliments come my way, said in a cheery way with a lovely smile.

Ie 'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort'

Just little digs that would make me look petty if I responded defensively and they always catch me off guard.

The chances are, we will be in each other's lives for the long haul.

Has anyone experienced this? Or found a way to not let it bother you / feel like water off a ducks back?

You need to reverse her compliments back to her.

‘Ahh thank you, yes I do have small fingers but at least the benefit of having such masculine, large knuckles means you can choose a much bigger diamond, I’d love that’

‘Oh thank you, yes I know, I’d love to have your amazing confidence and constantly wear a lot of make up and be so dressy but I just don’t have the time myself’

Ouch, that was rude" and swiftly turn and walk away. Every time. Even if you just go to the loo/get a glass of water/look out of a window or at a picture on the other side of the room. Just leave her to it

That’s good too! I hate mean people

Well done @TeaSoakedDisasterMagnet !!

Agree, think the last thing these people expect is to be called out like that. I imagine if you can pull it off without appearing upset or phased it’s very effective. There is definitely a type of person who propels themself with their contempt for others and always needs to feel superior. It’s funny that it’s such a distinct ‘type’ too.

Ha my dd had this with a friend (who did this to everybody) think 'ah your hair does actually look lovely when you do something about it'.

All the friends pulled her up on it, laughing out loud, telling her it was the most backhanded yet.

So laugh and say 'you really know how to give a compliment that hurts' or to that effect. And avoid.

Ahh thank you, yes I do have small fingers but at least the benefit of having such masculine, large knuckles means you can choose a much bigger diamond, I’d love that

That would be hilarious @Tunnocks34

If their relationship is for the long term then you’ll need to address this . I had something similar at uni although not the same. This girl was so horrible to me only but not to everyone else. I finally told other people how she was with me. At first they understood but then afterwards they didn’t care or believe me. Because she was never nasty to me in front of everyone. I said I hated her only because she didn’t like me. I then had a ‘reputation’ for hating her amongst my friends. “Oh custardcreamies, I don’t understand why you hate her, just because she didn’t wish you happy birthday” ....it was more than that but they never seem to understand and this girl would make effort to wish everyone at midnight and organise presents but with me she just ignored me. She’d turn her back to me in the lecture hall and have conversation with everyone else knowing I can’t see or hear what is going on.
There were other things but the problem is when everyone likes that person they’ll never believe you. Then they’d tell everyone custardscreamies doesn’t get on with ‘girl’ Even though I’ve always been nice and helped her out with assignments . I honestly thought I never should’ve said anything. This girl had a problem with me but somehow the situation made me out to be the one that had the problem with her!!

My advice would be to sit her down and ask her why she is like that with you.ask her if you’ve done anything to upset her. Give her examples of things she’s done and said. She’ll be shocked that you’ve brought it up. It’ll give her a chance to explain and make her realise and be embarrassed for how she’s treating you. She won’t dare be nasty again. If she wasn’t going to be in your life for long then I would just suffer in silence. You could always record messages so you have proof to anyone . I wouldn’t tell anyone that you don’t like or hate her as it will get twisted into you being the one with the problem. Instead, I’d say she doesn’t seem to like me, why is she so nasty to me?

Good luck

I don't agree with making those kind of comments back if you're not that kind of person. I wouldn't. I'd never say anything like that it would make me feel worse and complicit in her nastiness.

If she said the ring comment to me I'd say 'thanks you! I love my ring' if she said the clothes thing I'd say 'thanks! I like your clothes too'.

Just rise above it.

I worked with someone like that. Whenever she made a passive aggressive comment I’d reply “..ok then” or pause and say “annnnyway”.
I was eating biscuits at my desk once and as she walked past she said “oooh be careful eating all of those, a moment on the lips!” I replied “oh... is that what happened to you?”.

'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

Reply while smiling lovingly at your ring "I just love it. It's exactly what we wanted. It's such a shame people are so materialistic these days and treat engagement rings like it's a competition, and not the commitment of love and sharing a future together"

@giantangryrooster

Agree, think finding a way to call her out with humour might be your best bet.

“Lol thanks, wouldn’t want one of those big rings eh” [wink, good humoured smile]

“Wow that’s a bit of a back-handed compliment!” (delivered with a good-natured laugh to her and the whole group)

“Oh! Thanks...!!?!” (Look highly amused and bemused by her but ultimately be warm, gracious, and confident – she will look small others will pick up on how ridiculous she’s being)

Take bets with yourself on how many bitchy comments she will make – it will make you laugh then each time she does it.

Agree @Jennifer2r – it’ll just make it look like it’s six of one, etc. and you’ll both look faintly ridiculous.

Also think it’s hard to pull off if that’s not normally how you operate. And also just sounds exhausting. Don’t stoop to her level, retain your dignity and the moral high ground.

Don't be passive aggressive back to her, it will just leave a bad taste in your mouth. If you were the kind of person who took pleasure in doing it you'd be like her and dishing it out.
If you want to be blunt tell her ''passive aggression makes you look unhappy. Deal with whats making you unhappy and stop taking it out on others''.

I worked with someone like that. Whenever she made a passive aggressive comment I’d reply “..ok then” or pause and say “annnnyway”

I was going to suggest exactly this! If you give any hint you think she was rude she'll play the martyr and go on and on about how bad she feels for upsetting you and how awful it is for her that you think badly of her etc etc

Another good option would be to focus on the fake self deprecation and pretend to be worried about her, eg to "'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring' say "it really makes me sad when you say things like that, I hate to hear you putting yourself down" with a daily mail sad face and a Mumsnet head tilt.

Gather up some backhanders of your own.

When she gets an engagement ring if it’s big say “I’m not a fan of garish rings, I prefer understated.”
If it’s small say the same she said to you.

I have little patience for snidey cunts. When I got her alone I’d ask her why she’s being a jumped up bitch, hope for a fight then I’d never have to see her again.

@TrickOrRuddyTreat I love that!!

“Oh no don’t say that, you’ve got nice hands too!”

The thing is, nobody would hear her say those things and think that they were compliments. So either she’s doing it when it’s just you two, or she’s doing it in front of other people and they’ve decided not to rock the boat by telling her she’s being spiteful. That’s all very well if it’s people who want the group to carry on as it is, but if you’ve told your DP that she’s said these things to you and his immediate reaction isn’t to want to not expose you to that, then you need to be asking what sort of man you’re planning on marrying.

I’d suggest one of three things. If she has a dig, laugh at her and ask her if she wants a saucer of milk. The laughing shows that you don’t take her seriously and her digs aren’t upsetting you, but that you know exactly what she’s up to.

Or, don’t engage with her. DH's best man's wife was very like this, I was upset by her a few times at first and then I just stopped caring, would pretend she didn't exist (to the point of rudeness myself sometimes, if she was talking I'd not even act like I was listening and half way through would wander off or talk to someone else or similar). She’s not your friend. She’s not making the effort for her DP’s sake, so why should you? Take it a step further. Tell your partner she’s horrible, you’re not tolerating it any longer and if she’s going to be there, you won’t be.

Or, take the compliment and ignore the rest. Anytime she has a dig, you put on a big smile and saw ‘aww, aren’t you sweet?’ Guaranteed to annoy her. Give her enough rope and she’ll do the rest herself.

But yeah, I'd be telling your DP "I'm not being over sensitive. She is a bitch. We will not be having cosy little foursomes unless and until she grows up."

I just wouldn't involve your DP in it at all. Her goal is probably to drive a wedge between you and your DP.

He won't be comfortable getting involved and probably won't get it. Don't give her the ammunition to make your life any harder. Just choke off her bitch oxygen at source by not responding to her.

I worked with a jellyfish like this. What always worked was to laugh incredulously and pull her straight up on it.

She'd say 'gosh, I wish I was as tough as you, being able to leave your kid in nursery for 28 hours. I just love my DS too much' and I'd laugh, roll my eyes and say 'blimey, why so rude? Insecure about your parenting, much?'

I’m not clever enough to think up any of these comments on the spot. I’d be lying awake all night trying to decide what I should have said .

There’s one woman I know who acts like this and sadly I can’t avoid her completely.

At first I just tried to stay out Of her way but she would track me down at social events and make nasty comments. I realised she could tell I was scared of her. Which I was a bit.

So my latest tactic is to be very over the top gushing with her. I’m a non huggy person but I always make a big show in front of others “ Hi Amanda, how LOVELY to see you , my aren’t you looking well ? Have you changed your hair ? “

When she makes nasty comments ( they are mostly about my SN kid) , I touch her arm and say “ oh how lovely, you are are such a sweetheart , you always say the nicest things “.

She now looks at me out the corner of her eye as if I’m slightly deranged.

Of course I’ve not seen her for months since lockdown , I hope she’s still got the fear.

StCharlotte is right, just leave her to it.
If you were the type to come up with instant equally PA comments back you would have done it already and not even considered posting on MN about it.
So you be you, somewhere else with people who are nice to you!

PAND0RA I love that! I would totally kill her with kindness. Throw her off a bit.

“Oh no don’t say that, you’ve got nice hands too!”

Especially if accompanied by a slightly condescending pat on the arm @KentuckyBlueberry

@TrickOrRuddyTreat

“Don’t say that. They’re really lovely“

Gentle smile, slight head tilt, light touch on arm

Perfect

She sounds horrid. I would encourage your DP to see his friend alone more...which is healthier than insisting everything has to be couples all the time anyway. She will slime her way out of it if you try to retailiate and jeez, op, she is not worth your energy...she sounds just AWFUL. btw...she is clearly threatened by you in some way so don't bother feeling insecure. Perhaps you and your partner get on better and she fears cracks in her relationship. Perhaps people seem to warm to you quickly...who knows...who cares. But she is putting some effort into putting you down. Sad cow that she is

I can see why your boyfriend doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, even if he did want to address it directly she would just play the victim anyway. That doesn't mean that he should just leave you to deal with it by yourself. Ask him to take notice of when you are being pushed out to the edge of the group and he can either swap places with you if you are seated or put himself on the outside of you if you are standing. Get him to say something while doing it "Oh Timid2020, you're a bit on your own there, swap with me". That will draw it to the attention of others while not directly blaming the cow. He doesn't need to be your bodyguard, but a signal between the two of you to show you would appreciate some intervention would help to move you along from an awkward situation. If he doesn't notice that you're being pushed out or look at you often enough to see a signal then you have a bit of a boyfriend problem as well as a cow problem.