I hate his best friend's girlfriend

[timid2020]

Yesterday we met up with my DP's best friend and his girlfriend and I left feeling totally rubbish about myself (I always do after seeing her).

A quick disclaimer is that she is slim, beautiful, clever and very confident so I know a part of this is my own insecurity.

But I just don't like her, mostly because I get the impression she doesn't like me.

If we are together in a group, she usually ignores me - greets everyone but me or in the past has managed to almost turn her back so I'm left out of a conversation.

But one on one, lots of backhanded compliments come my way, said in a cheery way with a lovely smile.

Ie 'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort'

Just little digs that would make me look petty if I responded defensively and they always catch me off guard.

The chances are, we will be in each other's lives for the long haul.

Has anyone experienced this? Or found a way to not let it bother you / feel like water off a ducks back?

Op I also echo what another poster said - she really isn't as confident as she makes out. There's obviously something about you she envies. She does sound nasty. Definitely do the pause and ask her to repeat the rude comment again which will highlight her rudeness and give you time to decide how to respond. She will not be expecting it at all. Personally I'd just shake my head and walk off but I'm totally rubbish at off the cuff come backs.

I like 'Ouch' as a response. Subtle. Gets the point across.

Or how about, 'Coming from anyone else that would be a bitchy comment.' tinkly laugh etc.

This might be worth the old Mumsnet classic : did you mean to be so rude?

Next time she snipes at you, look shocked and leave.

Honestly, she’ll be so embarrassed.

She sounds like a little bitchy cow. Personally, I would reply with 'what do you mean by that?' And see what she responds, and don't let it go- literally keep asking her 'what exactly were you implying?' 'What on earth do you mean by that?' She will grow uncomfortable about being called out on it, and if she turns round to you and says oh dont be so sensitive, it's a funny joke etc etc...just reply 'it's actually really rude, I notice you make these comments a lot and it makes it hard to have a conversation with you.. is everything okay as you must be unhappy in someway to make comments like it?' Kill her with kindness and sleuth ness!

Honestly I did this with someone and it worked fabulously... it gives you time to take back the control and they will be so shocked at being called out on it

I like the
‘sorry what did you just say?’ Response too, and if she repeats it reply ‘it’s ok to not like me but it’s not ok to keep being rude to me, I haven’t been rude to you at all’.

I dont buy into the whole 'insecurity' thing. We all feel insecure from time to time, I've never used it as an excuse to be a bitch to someone. Normal people just don't do that. Disordered people do.

Sure, we might make the odd catty remark behind someone's back, to our mates, if this person has put our nose out of joint somehow (and perhaps just because we are jealous or they make us feel insecure). But we don't say shit to their face to tear them down - that's hardcore psychopath territory.

But we don't say shit to their face to tear them down - that's hardcore psychopath territory

Making bitchy remarks isn't on the psychopathy diagnostic checklist. Bit dramatic.

She sounds like a cunt, to be blunt (ooh, it rhymes!).

Think this advice was good:

Suzie6789

My only advice is to take a leaf out of her book, smile sweetly back and dish out some back handed compliments of your own. Never let her see that it gets to you.
For the ignoring you, go way over the top and out if your way to say hello, ‘oh bitchy girlfriend, Hi! So lovely to see you, what have you been upto?’ Don’t let her exclude you, if you react negatively you’ll look like the bad person.

I know someone like this, and it leaves you feeling totally drained and off-kilter afterwards. It is horrible, manipulative behaviour and after years of observing them, I think a big part of it is control and social dominance. They will combine it with lots of charm and humour, so you feel that to openly acknowledge the unpleasantness will make you look defensive, stuffy, and weak.

It’s basically a variation on the negging that PUAs do or the sort of gaslighting that takes place in emotionally abusive relationships.

I sometimes roll my eyes at the eagerness on MN to label everything as abuse, and I know you’re not in a relationship with this woman (!) but it is exactly the same sort of behaviour.

'What a lovely thing to say! Thank you!'

might take the wind out of her sails a bit?

Ugh, I know someone a bit like this. Nice as pie with people some people, always a little off with people she's not keen on. Unfortunately she's not as blatant as yours. All I can offer is sympathy. It's so hurtful when someone is just off with you for no reason (or if there is a reason, they're too immature to get over it or not be bitchy). It's also so hard to make other people see it when it's a gentle drip feed rather than don't something terrible to your face or setting you on fire or something.

Meh...maybe more narcissist territory. But its disordered. 100%. Normal people dont go about putting people down with snide little jibes. Playground bullies who never grew up do.

^ The only thing I would avoid from Suzie’s advice is this: dish out some back handed compliments of your own.

Don’t rise to it, and don’t get involved in the same sort of negative behaviour. But the rest of the advice was spot on.

I had this with the gf of my now husbands best friend. Nearly became a deal breaker as my then bf didn’t see it- until one of their mutual friends came to visit with his gf and SHE called my bf out on it- “why is that girl being so nasty to Badass? Don’t you see it? It’s so disrespectful to all of you for her to behave like that” and then all of a sudden it was like EVERYONE saw what she was doing. You need someone else in your corner.

Or op. Be honest with your partner and say you can’t be at any events or around her anymore.

I would look her in the eye and say 'Why do you keep saying these things, that you and I both know are meant as put-downs?' and then keep looking her in the eye while you wait for a response.

Another thing, I find it's not insecurity that makes someone act like that. I think people excuse all sorts of behaviour under the guise of "insecurity". Sorry, I think it's because some people think they're the cat's miaow and that gives them free reign to be a dick to people they develop a disliking for.

Given it’s hard to think of come-backs in the heat of the moment, I would go with either the ‘Ouch’ response or ‘You’re so sweet.’ Said in a deadpan voice whilst looking past her into the distance.

Either way I wouldn’t be spending any time with her. Just tell your DP you don’t like her. He can still see his mate.

"Ouch, that was rude" and swiftly turn and walk away. Every time. Even if you just go to the loo/get a glass of water/look out of a window or at a picture on the other side of the room. Just leave her to it.

Oh I hate that, I get along with pretty much everyone but you can tell when someone has that vibe of just don't really caring about you.

I think you have to just accept that you don't like each other and combat her rudeness with pointing it out.

'Such dainty fingers suit such a tiny ring' - 'Well I'm not engaged for the monetary gain, that's quite a rude thing to say.'

'I feel much better when I make an effort' - 'I did make an effort, that's a strange insult to throw at someone'.

Thing is it doesn't matter if you're being oversensitive, she's frequently making comments which hurt your feelings and that's not ok.

She's an adult, she shouldn't have to be told to play nice but I'm afraid I'd be getting very haughty and lashing back.

OP I had something similar to this with DH’s best friends GF.

We used to do something socially in couples and I really liked DH’s friends and got on very well with all of them. I made an effort to try and get on with her but it wasn’t reciprocated and I used to get sarcastic comments said with a laugh or a smirk.
Gradually she started inviting more and more people along that I didn’t know her sister and BF, her work colleagues etc. I didn’t mind the more the merrier and I made an effort with them all. She would often turn her back or shoulder to give me the cold shoulder and exclude me from a conversation etc. I told DH and he said just ignore her everyone knows what she’s like etc.
Things got worse and worse and we had a blow out one day. No witnesses she denied her bitchy behaviour and to cut a long story short (by this time we had both had DC) and she had engineered things so that most of the social events were held at hers. She never spoke to me again and threatened to cut off anyone else who had anything to do with me. One of her work colleagues sisters had started going out with one of DH’s single friends and she kept in touch with me for quite awhile and she told me this (as she had also had problems with her in the past). DH sees the men on his own occasionally but if I see her at the shops or at the DC’s school she would completely blank me and nearly knock me out of the way.
Looking back I think she was jealous of me as I got on well with all the blokes we also got married before them but had been together for a much shorter time.
Good luck.

Bit of a sting in the tail there Mary, did you mean it like that?

I like ^. Straightforward, challenging, not being nasty so you can’t be the bad one.

BTW my now DH who had a close female friend who was nasty to me when we first got together. I told him and he was a bit sceptical, but as i said I have Xx years of dealing with people, I have plenty of friends, no one I know tries to make me feel like shit, but she tries and can do it. I’m not paranoid, I’m not stupid, she is a prize dick and I don’t like her because of HER behaviour. He took my point and we never see her. Don’t be fobbed off.

@KentuckyBlueberry

She sounds like a cunt, to be blunt (ooh, it rhymes!).

Think this advice was good:

Suzie6789

My only advice is to take a leaf out of her book, smile sweetly back and dish out some back handed compliments of your own. Never let her see that it gets to you.
For the ignoring you, go way over the top and out if your way to say hello, ‘oh bitchy girlfriend, Hi! So lovely to see you, what have you been upto?’ Don’t let her exclude you, if you react negatively you’ll look like the bad person.

I know someone like this, and it leaves you feeling totally drained and off-kilter afterwards. It is horrible, manipulative behaviour and after years of observing them, I think a big part of it is control and social dominance. They will combine it with lots of charm and humour, so you feel that to openly acknowledge the unpleasantness will make you look defensive, stuffy, and weak.

It’s basically a variation on the negging that PUAs do or the sort of gaslighting that takes place in emotionally abusive relationships.

I sometimes roll my eyes at the eagerness on MN to label everything as abuse, and I know you’re not in a relationship with this woman (!) but it is exactly the same sort of behaviour.

In a similar situation, I was at a BBQ and someone arrived late and said hello as they came in. Everyone chorused hello back, including me (in fact I was probably one of the first to say hello as I was sat directly facing the garden gate and saw them coming up the path. He certainly saw me too!) For some reason he looked straight past me and greeted everyone else, before finally arriving at me last and asking “oh, are you ignoring me? You didn’t say hello when I came in.” I calmly replied, “yes I did say hello, you just chose to ignore it.” They looked embarrassed at being called out in front of everyone and turned away from me without another word. The person is a complete narcissist and won’t speak to me any longer because I kept calling out his bullshit in front of people. I’m not a useful tool to make himself look superior any longer so he just stopped.