I hate his best friend's girlfriend

[timid2020]

Yesterday we met up with my DP's best friend and his girlfriend and I left feeling totally rubbish about myself (I always do after seeing her).

A quick disclaimer is that she is slim, beautiful, clever and very confident so I know a part of this is my own insecurity.

But I just don't like her, mostly because I get the impression she doesn't like me.

If we are together in a group, she usually ignores me - greets everyone but me or in the past has managed to almost turn her back so I'm left out of a conversation.

But one on one, lots of backhanded compliments come my way, said in a cheery way with a lovely smile.

Ie 'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring'

'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort'

Just little digs that would make me look petty if I responded defensively and they always catch me off guard.

The chances are, we will be in each other's lives for the long haul.

Has anyone experienced this? Or found a way to not let it bother you / feel like water off a ducks back?

Do you think she could be picking up on some of your insecurities, or could you have acted upon them too during your relationship?

I don't think this woman is a bitch, sure she's been rude but the things you've mentioned were rude but not that bad. It just sounds like the two of you aren't meant to be friends, there's no need to exert negative feelings towards someone you have to see regularly, it seems exhausting.

Just have a stock answer and agree with her perceived faults. Eg. Yes, you do have fat fingers don’t you.
Or Yes, I noticed you love your make up, must be a pain to remove all that every night.

I really can't think of any reason she'd be jealous of me,

Maybe bc you're engaged and perhaps she isn't as secure in her relationship as she wants you to think? She almost certainly isn't as secure in herself as she makes out.

Or maybe she's just that kind of person.

If I were you, I would smile sweetly and accept the fake compliments at face value and pretend she is being nice. If she's trying to be bitchy she won't like you not taking the bait.

Or respond in kind, eg "'You're so lucky your fingers are so slim and dainty, I could never pull off such a small (engagement) ring", you reply

Thank you! Big stones look so tacky, don't they? They look fake even if they're not. DH has such good taste/knows what I like.

'I wish I had the confidence to dress so casually, I just feel so much better about myself when I make an effort' is clearly nasty and it's hard to respond in a way that isn't equally bitchy, so a simple thank you and no sign you're upset is the best revenge.

@Honeyroar

Yes either pull her up on it by saying she’s being rude, or throw it back at her “yes your fingers are pretty fat, aren’t they!” Or “I always feel a bit silly with tons of make up and being over dressed in a casual situation”

Is she married/engaged? She sounds jealous.

This would be my tactic too

Good advice here.

I would ignore her as much as possible and use the 'ouch' idea when unavoidable. I would try to avoid social events that she'll be at and make it clear to your partner why. You don't have to do everything together - go and see other friends instead.

Sometimes, the best thing to do with people like that is to feign niceness and be really friendly and pleasant.

They look all the worse for being snidey, you get brownie points for being nice AND the satisfaction of knowing that it riles them.

I did this to a very bitchy friend of a friend, and she just behaved worse and worse towards me until, one evening, she behaved appallingly to a friend of mine and our mutual friend cut all contact with her.

She is jealous of you for something...even if you can't see it. There is no doubt that her comments are snidey, and people who are happy with their lot aren't snidey.

However, men see it differently AND your partner will not want to encourage you to think there is an issue, for fear of creating drama. So I would drop it with him.

Regarding her, if you don't want to confront her (and I probably wouldn't if you think you'll come off looking petty) do as PP's said, and ignore her/don't let it bother you.

I've came across girls like her before and she can't actually marginalise you unless you let her. In group situations, speak to everyone else, she will soon get the picture. Right now it seems she is enjoying your discomfort...so stop being uncomfortable. Be breezy!

And yes, for specific comments, retort back...she is clearly not as confident as you think or she wouldn't be such a cow, so make it quite clear that you're comfortable/happy as you are.

Honestly, I don’t think you have to smile and ignore her. A well-placed, “Fenella, do fuck off, dear” said with a smile, will sort her out. She’s a rude cow and should feel the consequences of her behaviour.

I wouldn't seek to make comments back in retaliation. I think I'd be more inclined to talk to her privately and tell her that her comments are rude and inappropriate.

And I'd be telling your partner that you'd prefer not to meet up with them if she behaves like this. You don't have to put up with it.

She's a bitch end of she's what you call a frenemy you could hatch a plan to split them up or your gonna have to put up with this bitch forever your choice.

Haha, oh my goodness - she's hilarious. And probably a bit broken.

Try, try TRY to rise above it. It's one of those situations when she'll get really inappropriately drunk one night and download all this stuff about how miserable she is, about how she's bullimic, or... and...

My sister in law was/is the same. Took us about 5 years to just get on with it. Sometimes she says some shit things, mostly I know that she's just a bit broken and sad, despite what she might show outwardly, so I try and be kind.

Honestly? I’d avoid being in her company as much as possible. Avoid avoid avoid. I hate people like this and it’s so common. It’s classic high school bullying, veiled with a sickly sweet smile so that you second guess yourself and sound silly if you call it out for what it is.

I work with someone like this and she affects my mental health. She was visibly jealous when I got engaged a couple of years ago and spent the few weeks afterwards telling anyone who’d listen how she just wanted to be independent and would NEVER rely on a man/take another man’s name and WHY would anyone want to get engaged and married in their 20s (Although obviously when she initially found out I was engaged she was all “ohhh that’s amaaaaazing, huge congrats!”)

I just ignore her now, and I try to act as bored/aloof/disinterested as possible whenever she talks to me. I never respond to her in an arsey way either. Just smile, nod and say hmm/ok/yeah/really? I know she hates the fact that she doesn’t get much reaction from me.

Just act like you can't hear the nasty undertone. If she makes a backhanded compliment, give a very broad smile and in your cheeriest voice say ''thanks so much!''

It really grates on those sorts of people if they think they aren't getting to you. She may get nastier in an attempt to make you notice, but other people would likely notice that too. She likely just stop trying to get you down if she senses its not working in the slightest.

Oh my SIL used to do this sort of shit. She was jealous of me, used to being the alpha female.

Fifteen years down the line we’re actually pretty good friends. But I’ve had to get over a lot of shitty things she did in the early years. As a pp said I can live with it because I know she was a very sad and broken woman at the time.

To be honest I wouldn't go down the route of responding with your own comeback.

My experience of someone being passive aggressive is that it's exactly what they want.

It's a ploy to needle you into saying something nasty that they can then tell all and sundry how mean you are in response to them giving you a compliment.

It's basically the old adage of don't wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

I'd just stick with rolling your eyes, a sigh or similar and then just walk away or totally change the subject.

She's jealous for whatever reason and thinks she's being clever.

I just wouldn't play her game.

It doesn't really matter what she thinks of you so just be confident in yourself to realise that.

I would ignore and avoid her. But if that were impossible, I like the 'ouch' idea. She is insecure / jealous about something. Try to let it wash over you.

Don't respond to the bit that's about you. Just respond to the bits about her. All her back handers seem to include a comparison of the two of you.

So, her fingers are too fat for a little ring? Sympathise: 'Yes, it must be tough with fingers like yours, they are a bit plump.'

She feels better about herself when she's dressed up? 'Yes, it's a shame you can't relax and just wear casual stuff, you poor thing.'

None of her comments are about you. They're all just ways to make sure that nobody she feels threatened by (you, for example) gets to be better than her. I do actually feel sorry for her. She must be miserable. Your best defense is to be happy, and feel a bit sorry for her.

Love the ‘ouch’ idea (following a laugh/surprised expression!). Also try killing her with kindness (not literally obvs!) - be super nice, it’ll baffle her & make her look even more stupid when she does the sneaky bitchy thing.

Also bear in mind whatever is going on with her it’s her issue, not yours so try as hard as possible to not give a fuck (easier said than done - but definitely works with practice!!).

She is a bully. If it was me I wouldnt respond infront of anyone as she is subtle enough to make you look like your over reacting. If it was me I would be following her into the toilet and telling her to cut out her nasty shit. She will likely wet herself and stop doing it.

I don't see why it matters, really.

You don't have to be friends with her - presumably you have your own friends? All that's required is that you are tolerably polite to her in situations where you're required to be with her for any length of time.

She's clearly a dick and is trying to get petty digs in. I wouldn't bother calling her out -- it will just confirm to her and others that she's rattled you. The best way to deal with these people is to ignore them and not rise to it, effectively sending a signal that you couldn't give a rat's arse what she thinks of you. She'll eventually get bored and find another victim.

If your OH puts you under pressure to be her best mate you can explain why but otherwise I'd just keep a graceful silence on it and just choose to spend as little time with her as possible.

Oh god I hate this type. And IME - I'm know I'm going to sound sexist but - the men in the situation don't tend to get it, so it goes over their heads and if you haver a problem then they can't see why you're nt just playing nice. Arrgh.

I had one who was a friend of my DP at the time (now ex) and she was also a close friend of DP's best mate's ex. Plus I thin she had a thing for DP (sorry complicated). It was constant bitchy comments and shitty looks, done so that the men wouldn't see. When were at her house and she made tea, mine tasted of washing up liquid! But I couldn't say anything because I would have looked insane and she could just have made out it was a mistake.

I was young and naive and didn't want to upset DP so I just took it. Now I'd have a strategy. Killing with kindness is good if you can stand it - act as if she's absolutley lovely, and take all her compliments at face value and be OTT overjoyed "It is SO kind of you to say so! You're so gorgeous, imagine someone like you noticing my slim fingers, I'm really flattered!" Bet she'll stop!

However a big part of me would want to sting back, and there are some great suggestions here.

I think it matters because this woman is using OP to bolster her own confidence and self-esteem by having someone to slap down - and that is miserable to live with, which OP is going to have to do for years - OK not every day, but regularly.

People who behave like this deserve some kind of comeback and OP needs a way to stop her doing it.

It might be something as simple as her boyfriend mentioning something about you favourably, once. That's all it can take - don't assume she won't be jealous because of something as simple as her being slimmer.
I quite like the idea of a mixture of agreeing with her (yes, your fingers are quite fat), taking the piss (suppose nothing will do for you but a massive rock with your high standards, best get saving Dave, hahaha) and accepting the compliments.

She a person that is very insecure and needs to put up a front. I hate people like that, if she does it again just say oh that’s nice of you to say that and walk away, if she thinks she’s getting away with it then she will keep doing it. Good luck and keep your chin up 😀

I know someone like this, smiles as they insult you. Just ignore her and laugh it off. People like that are deeply insecure themselves and trying to make them self seem better than they are. It's a lack of self esteem and jealousy of others.