Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic.

How old is she? Sounds like most young adults tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

Taste of her own medicine

I agree - I mean I’ve she’s in university she can’t be that bad?

When I was at uni I was really immature etc kinda goes with the growing up process.

I think you need your own life outside of your daughters. It wasn't her choice to prevent you building a career or spend 19 years at home. I grew up with my mother very disappointed in me. She still let's me know. I don't care for her much at times.

Just love your daughter.

I think that’s normal, both my boys were like this DS 2 is still a bit arrogant but we found around the age of 25 / 26 that DS 1 suddenly matured and is a very nice human now
DS2 is 23 and showing signs of maturing in the same way his brother did.

Look, kids argue with you even when they know you are right. They are usually lovely to other people. It’s annoying but it goes with the territory.

The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.

If she picks up that you feel this way, her belligerence is perhaps understandable.

Is she really "stupid" and "lacking in common sense", or does she just disagree with you about things? What's your part in this, what's hers? Why do you feel the need to "shape" her if she doesn't want it? Have you discussed her thoughts and opinions or shut them down? Does she listen to yours? Would you like to communicate better, and how would that look?

It's hard to be in a house with someone who clearly resents and despises you, so I imagine that's affecting her behaviour.

So she's 18/19 years old?oads of 18/19 year olds are opinionated gobshites, it's all part of learning to be a proper adult and she'll grow out of it over the next few years as she gets a bit more world wise.

Her opinions might be rubbish and ill thought out (in your own opinion) but at least you've raised someone not afraid to give their thoughts and not afraid to speak up about them.

If this is for real, just read your last sentence. You can’t shape her as an adult; she is her own person. Sounds like you never thought of her as her own person in the first place though; your whole post sounds like you viewed it all as rather like having a ‘product’ to manipulate, and felt that having made a ‘sacrifice’ to become a SAHM that you’d have some ‘pay back’.

Who gives you 19 years of their careers for their child. What were you doing when she was at senior school? Sounds like you've over indulged and put her on a pedalstool or it could be shes went to university met a diverse group of people from different backgrounds and feels smothered. The fact comes across both her parents have 2 extremely opposite parenting ideas. It's very hard to say without knowing your dd.

"how can I shape her now that she is an adult?"
Do you need to shape her? Especially when you say you've dedicated 18 years to her. Do you think you might have shaped her too much? Ie overbearing? Sometimes you have to take a step back and let them learn things for themself. Otherwise they will resent you.

Most young adults are annoying like this. Don’t worry about it. She’ll soon learn, especially when she’s left university and becomes a very small fish in the world of employment.

I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

Short answer is that you can't.

You sound as if you resent her for having given up so much to be the perfect mother but it was your choice. If she feels your disappointment and/or resentment she may react by being extra bolshy. Otherwise she sounds like a lot of other young adults,

My parents have said both my brother and I were opinionated with little thought behind it when we were in our early 20s.
My dad claims it made for some good debates as his standard reply was "OK, you think that, I think this, convince my to understand your point of view"

Even in our late 20s we have some questionable interesting conversations. We rarely agree on differing topics. My brother especially has very different political opinions to my parents and there have been some very heated debates.

Could you ask her to explain why she feels the way she does about topics and make it a conversation?

Wtf?

DO NOT watch ‘normal people’ on tv

Gosh. Stupid? There can't be a textbook or expert out there that tells you that calling your daughter stupid is the way to go to forge a loving and happy relationship with your adult child.

Maybe take a step back and find ways to celebrate the things you like about her, I'd bet that your relationship with her (and your view of her) will improve.

Best thing you can do is to not indulge her. Let her fail. Let her struggle. Be there to support her but don't 'fix things' for her.

She sounds like a normal young adult, who has plenty more time to learn. You on the other hand..........

Lots of 19 year olds come across as belligerent. Especially when they’re used to living independently and then have to return to living under their parents’ roof. She’s also still learning common sense - something most people her age don’t have in abundance (and don’t forget that something may seem perfectly sensible to her even if it doesn’t to you, depending on your different priorities and plans).

It doesn’t mean she’s a bad person or a rubbish adult. She’s still learning. By all means pull her up if she’s actually rude to you or behaving in an entitled way, but don’t feel like you need to ‘reshape’ her like plasticine. You’re seeing her in strange and stressful conditions at the moment; let there be some allowance for that.

I think many young people this age are like this. I know I was! At 19, you're an adult and you think you know it all and anyone older than you doesn't have a clue. University's a bit of a bubble. This soon changes once real life kicks in and you have to go to work every day and have bills to pay!

I'm sorry - you what? You sound like the fucking parent from hell. You let her express her opinions, instead of having opinions beaten into her, and now you don't like the opinions she has? I seriously hope that this isn't for real. But on the off chance it is, I'll let you into a secret - she isn't an "adult child", she's an adult. And if you don't respect her you won't get or deserve any respect back.

I’m an academic and work with hundreds of 18-21 year olds every week (until now obvs). They’re all dicks. Every last one of them. Some of them are lovely dicks and I’m very fond of many of them, but ultimately they’re all half wits with shit for brains. It will get better. Think of this as a transition from adolescence to adulthood - they’ve just moved from being kids to all of a sudden being grown ups and they’re still practicing (I’m still practicing and I’m 50 😂). I was a complete dick at 18-19. Hopefully it’s less noticeable now ☺️

She just sounds like a young adult. I was a nightmare at that age, and it's nothing to do with how my mum raised me