Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

What exactly is she saying that's so terrible, and can you honestly say that both parents at home lead by example?

She’s not an extension of you.

My father had a similar attitude to you, OP, when I was at university.

I'm happy and successful and have plenty of people around me that I love and who love me.

But I choose not to speak to my father.

Having been to uni myself, your DD sounds like the majority of students I knew (including myself, I suspect! ). She'll grow out of it with life experience.

I'm more curious how you would have described her before going to uni? That's just as relevant to the current situation (and the potential future outcome.)

I have to say OP that I think YABU. Mostly because there's so little in your post about her. Is she feeling the constraints of lockdown? There's going to be a lot of mental health fallout from these crazy times. I think you should try to show her love and compassion and patience and see if her behaviour changes.

She didn't ask to be born. She didn't ask you to devote decades of your life to raising her. Her behaviour is about her - she's growing up, she's still young, she's likely in pain, troubled by something or unhappy.

Being a mother is a massive privilege. Being a good mother is measured not in how much you give up for your kids, nor in whether you "shape" them - it's about whether you can love them as they are in all their growing phases and all their mistakes.

I think you should be asking more of yourself, not asking more of her.

Wish you both the best of luck X

I'd imagine she's getting some of her belligerence from her DF. Men who want to raise DCs in an authoritarian way are usually arrogant and belligerent. Although as a PP said, it's 'interesting' that a man with that attitude would quietly capitulate. But I'm also finding your perspective rather unique. I've never met anyone in RL who has said 'I wish I'd let my DH dominate and crush my DD so I didn't have to deal with an adult with opinions.'
For your DD's sake, give her some space and try to hide your contempt for someone who is obviously focused enough to have got into university, and is displaying usual teenage student traits.

First time poster here looking for a story probably for the papers

ssd they'd probably have been better going to a different site then. MN isn't the place for 'I wish my DH had been even more domineering so I didn't have to deal with a DD with opinions'
I'm sure MRA sites and Twitter would be able to provide a wealth of 'examples' ... from men

but ultimately they’re all half wits with shit for brains

Academia maybe isn’t for you if this is how you view young people. What an awful way to describe them. I spent many years doing lectures and not those kids never came across as having “shit for brains”. They were largely, bright, articulate kids who had some growing up to do.

I have raised her to be a confident person with a voice and now I am questioning if that was wrong.

If this is a genuine question, you need to go back and re-read those textbooks.

Unfortunately, it's a trait of being 18/19 in some cases, I swear I knew more when I was that age than I do now, and absolutely nobody could tell me otherwise. Gradually experiences teach you how to handle situations and how to communicate more effectively, it's nothing you've done it's her personality and being confident and speaking your mind (which is what I assume you meant by arrogant and belligerent??) Is a really good trait to have.

You seem far too invested in how you raised your child, and it feels like everything she does is a reflection on your parenting which is absolutely not the case at all. You need to accept your daughter now has her own life to live and can do so however she chooses, if she offends people by speaking without thinking then I'm sure it won't take long until someone corrects her. But please stop this 'i'm disappointed in her' bit, it's toxic and all that will happen is she won't want a relationship with you as she can sense the resentment you have for her because those textbooks lied to you

In th softest way, it sounds like you want your daughetr to reflect you and your sacrifices. To be a trophy that validates your own life.

She is young. She is feeling her way in a new world. Most uni students are sure of themselves and arrogant. Most of us are sure that our opinons are right (othwise why would MN get so heated so often?) She will grow and develop. Enjoy and explore the person she has become and how she thinks and feels. She will change as life knocks the stuffing out of her.

She's 19! Young people are generally not known for their vast wisdom and unclouded judgement. LOL.

How can you expect us to have an opinion on this when you won't even tell us what is so bad or lacking in common sense about it?

It may be that we would agree and need to fall back on the "all teenagers are dicks"-tropes.

It may equally be that if you gave single instances, we would find that you are in the wrong.

In no way am I prepared to pronounce judgment until I know what I'm talking about.

I teach this age group. I find they are...well, people, really. Some are immature, some are probably more mature than me, some have been spoilt, some have overcome difficulties that I could never have imagined, some are thoughtful, some less so, mostly they are lovely people. I try to encourage their argumentativeness as my subject requires robust arguing, but often find it difficult because they are, many of them, polite and unwilling to question authority.

You don't want her to think before she speaks, you want her to only say things you agree with. You don't sound like you want her to have a voice.

These are your issues. Get help to work them through before your DD doesn't bother coming home for a big dollop of disappointed parent.

Btw, you didn't leave your career for her, you did it for you, so you could enjoy more time with her. If you really did do it solely for her benefit and not because you wanted to, then it was always going to backfire.

Your last sentence was ridiculous and awful. I created this individual, how can I shape her,now that she is an adult. ! It is though you created her,in a science lab, and programmed her into a robot,with the same mind set as your own.

She is her own person now, and maybe resents the way you talk about things as such. Plus, she has been away, grown up, and has her own views on everything now. It's got nothing to do with the ways you brought her up years ago.

In a few years, she will probably be a different person again, and you will like her personality more.

It sounds as if your daughter is the only teen you've ever met!

Lots of them are like this. They don't just stop growing up at 18. There's still a long way to go. She's not fully mature yet.

I gave up my Career too OP but that’s not really relevant.
My DD is in her 30s now. Great job, lots of friends and has really grown up over the last 5 years. Up to 21 and a bit more tbh, she was a right royal pain in the arse. Nasty to me, gobby in general, smoked weed, albeit not regularly but still.. pushed every boundary to the limit!!
She’s an absolute delight now..most of the time
Oh and do not wish that your DD had had an overly disciplined upbringing. I know very well adult children who were brought up too strictly...they still go off the rails, just later in life.

I dont get the whole first half of your post.

All about what you sacrificed to bring her up. You clearly think she owes you to be a certain way.

Young adults, do speak before they think. They often aren't exactly what their parents want. Why should they be.

You chose to give it a career and centre your life around her. You could have done both been a good parent and had a career so needed so much.

Its sounds like you gave her free reign to express herself but never challenged her on why she had certain opinions.

If she never expressed an opinion you didn't agree with until recently, then she played you and just told you what you wanted to hear. Which suggests the perfect parenting you attempted, didn't work or wasn't perfect like you think it was.

It sounds like you spent 19 trying to create a particular version of you. She likely picks up on your expectations, to be a certain way. Now she has been away she is learning to be her own person. Maybe some of her opinions are daft or have no basis. But she is learning to form her own opinions she will learn as she gets older that some of her opinions are shit.

how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

You can't shape her, she's an adult not a lump of dough. You had your time shaping her as a child and it's up to her now. She doesn't sound much different to many other 18 year olds I read about on here.

You will always be her mother and be there for her but your parenting days are over. Now you should concentrate on you, probably for the first time in 18 years, and decide what's going to make you happy and fulfilled in the coming years.

Is she really stupid and lacking common sense or does she just have her own mind and doesn't do what you say? Is she really belligerent or is she confident and can stand up for her. I am also confused by your reference to her being self assured.

My teenage son is argumentative, extremely opinionated, thinks he knows everything, has a mind of his own and is very clear on what he wants. I am extremely proud of him and glad he is not a sheep and confidently stands his ground.

I think these feelings are natural. I work but my children's laziness amazes me some days. But perhaps it bothers me less because i can escape to work.

Can you give examples? It’s hard to tell if this is simply you don’t like the fact she stands up to you or won’t do as she’s told as she’s no longer a child, and states it as it is. Or if she is a gobby brat.

I don’t know but I’ve a funny feeling it’s the former.

You didn't create her, she is her own person.

Your job and that of your husband was to guide her to make the most of who she is, not to shape her into some ideal.