Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

I’m in my mid 40s. My mother is desperately disappointed in me. I got to university from a failing school on a series of scholarships with no help, have four degrees, a successful professional career, a husband and child (her only grandchild). I’ve lived in lots of countries, but call and visit regularly, and strongly promote her relationship with DS.

However, she’s disappointed in me. She wanted me to leave school at fifteen, train to be a hairdresser, marry my teenage boyfriend, buy a house on a local estate and be a SAHM to at least three children. She did her best to dissuade me from university, was embarrassed by my good exam results getting a mention in the local paper in case people ‘thought she was getting above herself’, and has continually warned me against ‘expecting too much’.

I’ve pointed out that some parents would be proud of me, but I’m just not what she wanted.

She sounds pretty normal to me. At that age I was arrogant & opinionated and I thought I knew everything. The fact that I was bright, was the first person in my family and one of only a handful in my school year to go to university was also a factor. I genuinely did think I was the smartest person in the room, and at home I generally was.

She will grow up. Most people do in the end, but some take longer than others.

I wonder who these unfortunate lecturers are who only end up with entitled and self-important students. I must be getting all the nice ones. Keep them coming, Admissions, keep them coming!

On a more serious note, I have noticed that some of my colleagues who do speak of their students being spoilt often don't know a lot about individual students' circumstances, they clearly don't talk to them a lot, have very little understanding of the kind of circumstances they may be dealing with. Those of us who work in academica- don't let's be that lecturer!

You have a really strange attitude to parenting. Very odd Op.

Parents of teenagers always complain that the teens "think they know everything". But meanwhile the parents are exactly the same!

Good God, this is so true.

your tone and attitude is weird.

I have raised her to be a confident person with a voice and now I am questioning if that was wrong
This sounds like she is questioning you / refuting some points of topics and you don’t like it because she’s correct / educated or no longer is your own clone and agreeing with you. Confidence and her own voice are bloody brilliant traits and it’s so sad you want to take that away from her.

I'm reading this as you're upset because you want to enjoy your daughter's company and look forward to spending time with her. It's clear you love her dearly but there is a personality clash.
I have a similar relationship with my parents. What I would advise you to do is to look for areas in which you do share commonalities with your daughter. Do you both love music? Gardening? Cooking?
Try to find common interests. If there's nothing that immediately comes to mind, try to create a common interest. Ask her if she'd like to start doing yoga with you, or learning how to cook a new recipe etc. Perhaps family counselling might help.
You need to focus on the things you love about her and ignore the more grating habits of hers. My mum never cultivated our relationship and now I'm an adult with children of my own, the gulf is too obvious and uncomfortable and can't be rectified.
It's a tough time for everyone. Our relationships are really under the microscope because we're living in such extremely close and isolated circumstances.
Please be kind to yourself and your daughter. Xx

You and your husband sound very odd and controlling to be honest. You had a set idea of how you wanted her to turn out and because that doesn't meet your expectations, you're disappointed. Parenting isn't about 'textbooks' and 'experts', she's not some science project.

You sound a bit like my DH when our eldest DD got to around 17/18.
His parents lived overseas so he was sent to boarding school when he was 9. His sisters were both much older than him, so he missed a lot of the normal ups and downs of family relationships.
He used to get upset when our DDs argued when they were small because he thought they hated each other!
Dd1 was always an easygoing, fairly placid and calm child, but when she hit 17 she became more wilful and argumentative. DH couldn’t understand it at all and although he never said anything to her, it really upset him. I remember him asking where our lovely, friendly little girl had gone. I just told him to be patient, that she was still in there, but she needed to push us away in order to assert herself as an individual, away from her parents and family and if we gave her space to do that she’d come back to us.
She’s 25 now and is back to being her gorgeous self again. She’s past the age of knowing everything and her parents and other adults knowing nothing. We’re almost through it with Dd3 now, thank goodness!
There’s a very apt Oscar Wilde quote ‘I’m not young enough to know everything’, and it’s so true.
It’s a rite of passage and most of us come out the other side a little wiser and with a little more humility.
Hang on in there, learn to say nothing and nod, and give her space to grow up.

You talk about the raising of your child as though she were some science experiment. Incredibly bizarre.

@EagleSqueak such a wise and lovely post, I hope OP hasn't disappeared and missed it, it's a very hard thread to read.

1. Your kids don't have to be grateful to you no matter how many homemade birthday cakes etc. you made them. Trust me on this. My kids have educated me on this point about 1,000,000 times. Their rationale: something something about being separate people from me mumble mumble.

1. Children are horses asses between the ages of 19 and 25. Buy a teflon raincoat now. They gradually improve. Youngest child is 26 and has unexpected moments of charm.

1. There are always exceptions to this rule. The children who get into amazing universities, have jaw-dropping internships, and act charming to adults. They tend to be the children of the friends/relatives whom you most secretly wish would be humbled. This will never happen.

My mother controlled me from the day I was born. As long as I was obedient she was happy. When I left to go to university she made me come home every weekend to ensure that she didn't lose too much power over me - but manipulated me into thinking I could not cope without her.

This continued into my adulthood. I was controlled. My opinions were what she parroted to me. When I was a victim of domestic violence she told me it was my fault because I was such an awful person. I was a,ways too fat, too ugly, stupid, unpopular and my friends didn't really want to talk to me.

It took me until the age of 30 to realise what was happening and see her for what she really was and several more years of therapy and the love of my husband to convince me that I wasn't worthless. Though even now I still still hear her voice telling me that I'm nothing special.

When she was dying I barely bothered to visit her and when she died I hadn't seen her for a week after walking out when she started telling me I was looking fat.

When she died I felt liberated.

You brought your daughter up to know her worth, to not be afraid of voicing an opinion that's different to yours. Yes she's a dick now, but she's young and because you brought her up to have self esteem you have given her the greatest gift - the ability to make her own way in the world and be confident and strong.

some interesting and very mixed responses on here.

There does seem to be a consensus.

Crikey...is this post actually real !! If so I feel so sorry for your poor daughter!!

I have raised her to be a confident person with a voice and now I am questioning if that was wrong

So, what was your alternative? Raise her to be a cowed and scared individual who never spoke up about anything?

@Zaphodsotherhead

I have raised her to be a confident person with a voice and now I am questioning if that was wrong

So, what was your alternative? Raise her to be a cowed and scared individual who never spoke up about anything?

It is surprising how many parents do indeed want this exact child when it comes to all of their own opinions.

I think perhaps it’s you who needs to listen. Step back, stop trying to dominate your daughters actions and responses. She is learning to navigate the world as an adult and like he rest of us she will do it her way.

On a side note, the way you explain about the commitment you made to dedicating your life to her is quite frankly ludicrous. You brought up your child like the rest of us. You chose how to do it. Maybe now is the time for you to focus on your own dreams and goals

Op she sounds normal. My 19 year old DD is home from uni and being fairly tedious with her strident opinions and lectures to the rest of the family about the state of the world and what we should be doing, with her general ignoring of night time boundaries the rest of us would prefer (ie we don't want to hear her screaming with laughter at 3am with her friends), with her lack of organisation and the pit of her bedroom, with her reluctance to 'adult' and take responsibility for normal life admin, and with her newly minted woke views which are more right than any of ours. But besides all that she's a delight, she's kind, compassionate and loving, she is working on a good degree towards a good career, she's just going through being 19 and I see a lot of glimpses of the lovely woman she is underneath the sometimes rather strident and certain exterior.

I think it's really hard for first year uni students at the moment. They've had a few months taste of independence and then forced to come home for months and suddenly they can't do all the things they'd got used to and have to abide by home rules.

Your post worries me in terms of the language you use of her as a product that can be shaped. She's a person in her own right and you cannot shape her but you can model good things and teach her life skills, you can simply be there when she falls apart. You don't have to have control of her, that would not be healthy. I would concentrate on restarting a career of your own and be proud you raised a confident young woman.

Give it time. It's amazing how they grow up once they graduate and look for jobs. You put in the work and the support and the moral compass. It will pay off, I promise! 😊

Op, some of these posts are ridiculously harsh. Take from the best ones only. Why anyone wants to parent bash when were in the same boat is beyond me . I'm sure she will grow out of,it's that no-one warns us enough.

19 year olds are not finished yet. Just because they're legally adults doesn't mean they are biologically. There is significant brain development till 25 (and afterwards, but mostly at trigger points then, like parenthood).

So continue setting examples of prosocial behaviour, and hopefully she will follow it when she's older.

Though we don't know the details of what she's saying, and she may only do it around you because you're her family, so it's possible you're over-reacting anyway. Maybe she is more restrained with strangers.

I grew up with parents like this. Could not for the life of them understand why I didn’t have the exact same views on life and future plans that they did.

My worst crimes were having a messy room and making plans (usually shift work) that sometimes interfered with them wanting me to do specific chores at the last minute. They 100% thought it was reasonable to ask me to wash up 5 minutes before I needed to leave for work and that I should be late for work to do the chore.

In reality I was juggling 2 jobs with a 2 hour commute to complete my degree. However, because I didn’t behave exactly as they expected, I was the devil child. My Dad would not speak to me for weeks if I did not follow his unsolicited advice and they thought I would never get on in life because I sometimes put studying before chores.

I bought a house alone at 24 after getting a job in finance paying double the national average. I keep the house clean and tidy (but not show home standards) and my parents still never say anything positive when they come to visit except to point out household jobs that need doing (I bought a wreck that I have been doing up bit by bit over 3 years).

Morale of the story, I turned out just fine, despite my parents adamance that I was lazy because I didn’t jump at household chores. However, I manage my relationship with them at arms length, never ask their advice on anything and inform them of any major life news after the fact!