Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

I would quite like my mum to put her brain into gear before speaking sometimes.

😂 @lojoko

I can’t advise personally as my kids are very small yet but I do see what you mean as my eldest sister has a 19 year old daughter and she is exactly how you describe. My other sister often says too that she’s given her eldest too much freedom. It’s difficult. Can you not speak to her? My niece is very arrogant and spirit (not saying yours is spoilt!) tbh I really hate family gatherings as he daughter says whatever comes to her mind and is often very rude and “bratty”. Why don’t you speak to her hoe she makes you feel? She is an adult now so you can have this conversation.

We need examples of what she's doing/saying

*spoilt not spirit!

DD was similar and grew out of it, though some of the repercussions of her lack of common sense are still with her and will be until she’s at least 30.

YANBU to be irritated and attempt to show her where she’s not helping herself, but YABU to be disappointed.

Also borrowing from another current thread, why mature adults are attracted to 19 year olds is a mystery to me.

I feel that you are being very hard on both yourself and her.

I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

My god she’s over 18 and an adult, you can’t mould and shape a person to suit you. You remind me a lot of my mother in law she was still trying to “mould” my husband into his 30s to suit her, yeah it didn’t work. He’s a great bloke but not what she wanted (a church going, cardigan wearing man who didn’t have girlfriends 🤣).

For what it’s worth your daughter sounds like a normal uni aged person, I have to admit I was a bit of a know it all when I was at uni, I cringe when I think about it now. I did come out the other side of it though as I think many do. I think uni makes you regress a lot rather than mature though.

Regardless of how you've raised her, she is her own person and is finding herself in the world. I find this quite a hurtful thread, imagine your daughter reading it?

Give it time, she is still young and not fully formed. In another 6 years the creases will be ironed out and she will be lovely.

I think you're overestimating the impact/influence you've had on her through parenting alone.

She has a life outside of the home- school, peer group, media etc., that would've have had some involvement on he opinions, beliefs and behaviours.

Children dont always turn out the way we want them to, even though we think we're putting all the leg work in to shape them.

" I gave up my career"...time to pick it up again.

Raising her following your husband's authoritarian methods wouldn't have worked any better. She would have had no practice in thinking and making decisions for herself, and would probably have gone totally wild once released from his constraints.

Basically, she needs to learn from experience, and she will. But I would question your assessment that what she thinks is stupid - is it? Or is it just that it differs from your views?

I think you need to remember that she isn't 'yours'. She's her own person.
We can not shape and change other people- we can only change ourselves and our reaction to them.

" I gave up my career".

She didn't ask you to.

We can't really judge until you provide an example of the sorts of things she comes out with. Is she rude? Or does she just say things you disagree with? It sounds like you're put an awful lot of pressure on her (and yourself) in terms of wanting perfection in return for your investment of excellent mumming.

I have a 19yo DD who is home from uni. I don't agree with her on everything, I never have. But saying you're disappointed in your child is heavy, heavy stuff and you need some serious justification for anyone here to agree that it's OK for you to express that.

I know for a fact that my mother is disappointed with me, and most of the choices I have made, as an adult child...she's told me often enough.

I've let her know that she is/was always a disappointing parent. So we are even.

Good God, how was she ever going to live up to those expectations! She's a human being, not a pet science project. Perhaps she's asserting herself in opposition to your overbearing nature - trying to find some independence.

Were you raising DD as someone to love or something to perfect? It comes across as the later.

She's an adult now it is her life to lead, if you want any relationship with her you should accept her for who she is and live your own life. She will keep growing and learning, maybe she'll be someone you like spending time with but she is just starting out as an adult and isn't in a fixed personality or character at this point or any other really.

I feel quite sad reading your post. I speak as someone who frequently felt (and was told) I was unacceptable to my mother. It took me a long time to realise that this was her problem not mine. She's not a monster but I don't enjoy spending time with her and I'm glad she isn't too involved in my children's lives. I can have a superficially nice time with her but I'm always aware it's not genuine affection or love I'm experiencing in that moment. Mum is just liking that I'm performing as expected. Is that what you want in return from the product of your parenting?

You sound like the mother from hell, subsuming yourself into moulding your child and determined to continue doing it while she is an adult.

It is not her fault you don't feel you have anything to show for the past 20 years - that is entirely on you. Just get a life of your own and stop trying to justify your existence through your adult child. You sound a pathetic and controlling martyr, no wonder she is belligerent.

Maybe you should have focused on yourself more and given her a better example to follow

You say your husband wanted to be more ‘Victorian’ I wonder what he thinks of her? Does that influence you as well? Is he disappointed in you both?

LellyMcKelly I am exceptionally heartened by your post. My own DD19 is lovely but she does half spout some shite at times - with the sort of conviction and certainty that seems to allow no room for any suggestion that alternative points of view exist. It always strikes me as immaturity, not arrogance though.
OP - just became she is an adult doesn’t mean your role as teacher of life-skills is over. It’s hard to imagined how she is behaving. What does she do/say when you point out that she is talking nonsense or being overbearing?

I have been a SAHM and our approach to parenting has been a mixture of ‘do as you’re told’ (for safety, logistics, etc.) and reasoned discussions.

A friend and I once said that the downside of raising kids who you encourage to give opinions, make choices, etc. it also gives them the skills to argue back!!

Personally, if I felt their comments were said without thinking I’d pause the conversation and ask them to either explain their answer or suggest they rephrase it. I’d have no issues saying something along the lines of “Do you want to start that again?”.

Flip side - university students (and that age group in general) are thrown into a new, exciting environment and will meet, hear, see and do all sorts of new things. They’re midway between child and adult. They’re still learning, finding their way, understanding the world outside of home/school in a very different way from before. They will make mistakes and (looking at mine) make comments that have DH and I rolling our eyes! But they’re good people at the heart of it.

• doesn’t half spout some shite

The thing is it doesn’t occur to me to be disappointed in DD19 for her immature pontificating any more than I was disappointed in her for throwing a tantrum at age 2. She’s still growing up. She’s not somehow ‘done’ now just because she gets to vote. She needs me to point out, respectfully and firmly, when she is being a twat.