Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

put her on a pedalstool

Maybe get yourself a pedalstool, then you can be equals.

So is the real issue that you dont agree with her opinions? You wanted an individual who agreed with you

All humans have faults try and concentrate on her positives. Before bed each night I try and think of 5 things about my kids that I love or find funny can be anything. I find it really helps with my mental state when I have tough days with them. Find her positives not her negatives.

If my mum spoke about me like the way you speak about your daughter, I would not speak to her again.

You sound like a nasty person.

So she is 19ish? Yeah that age is tricky as you think you are grown up but you aren't. Bit like a toddler who can say no but hasn't learnt when it's appropriate. Plus she is back from uni, that is hard as a teen, you've changed, you are used to freedom and then you come home and get treated like a kid again and part of you just goes with it because it's the norm at home but part of you rebels as you are an ADULT now.

Why do you think she isn't thinking? Is she just voicing opinions you don't agree with? I have vastly differing opinions to my parents on a range of things. We talk about it as adults respecting each other but I'm not 19. At 19 I didn't voice when I didn't agree I just thought they were idiots, and had I voiced it I would have lacked the skills to do so diplomatically and would have sounded like a dick (and let's face it I probably did at times).

She sounds pretty normal. DS could cause an argument in an empty house to be honest.

He'll get out of it when he has more experience in dealing with people as he gets older. She'll be fine.

She sounds like a normal young person to me. You should be proud that she says what she thinks and is confident.
Are you upset that she disagrees with you or is she being rude and unpleasant. If it's the first then she has a right to. If the latter then this is not a normal time it can't be easy for a student used to freedom to be locked in with their parents. She will also probably be anxious about her future. Have you tried to talk to her calmly?

Sounds like all the kids I know, you might be better getting a new hobby and leaving her to it. If she's in uni she can't be doing that bad, just be there to give advice when asked and let her find her become her own person.

I have raised her to be a confident person with a voice and now I am questioning if that was wrong

I’m beginning to think this post is a wind up.

You resent her because you gave up your career. Your choices aren't her fault. It's not her doing that your approach to child rearing was like Monica from Friends.
Time to live your life with an identity of your own now which doesn't tie in with 'perfect mother'.

She isn't grown up. If she was 39 I'd say you were write to criticise. Even at 29 people don't always have a huge experience of life, some do.

You are being ridiculous to criticise imv because kids today are brought up with social media/tv / movie characters being brash and opinionated and over-confident so that is the example they are given throughout their teens. So end up loudmouthed.

Just be kind and give her another 3 years minimum before you complain.

Presumably she's in her first year of uni and had it cut short due to covid, returning home early? This wasn't the plan for these students …. a taste of independence, new friends, living away from home … then back to mum and dads in lockdown.

I feel for them and I've tried to cut my DD some slack when she's an arse as it's difficult for her. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be locked up with my parents at that age.

Before I had children I used to think you could ‘shape’ them. I realised after about two weeks that was a load of bollocks and they will be who they will be. Surprised it took you so long.

You sound like a nightmare. Your daughter probably feels suffocated and can feel your disappointment, which is why she's probably rude to you. You really didn't need to give up a career to raise 1 child, especially when they got to secondary school. The fact you talk about it now rings or resentment. Sounds like she never had the chance to develop any independence skills as you were always around.

My advice, get a life for yourself outside of your adult daughter before you push her away with your expectations.

Pedalstool? IT Crowd fans, I take it?

This has got to be a joke post. Surely there cannot be a single parent on the planet who would actually question whether having a confident daughter who isn't afraid to use her voice is a GOOD thing! Tell me OP would you prefer her to be timid, so unsure of herself that she cannot speak up for herself in public, so scared of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing that she never takes any opportunity that comes her way? Leading to situations where she is abused, and never reaches her full potential? Because that is me. That was the result of the way I was raised. If on some slim chance that this is not a joke post - the qualities you are questioning in your daughter, are two of the main things I want for mine. I think anyone who raises their child to have the confidence to speak their mind has done a fantastic job.

Don’t expect much before 25.

"You sound like the mother from hell"

"FFS, give your head a wobble"

"I bet she can't wait to get back to uni. Writing is not your forte? How about empathy, got any of that? Genuinely question - is that something you struggle with?"

"You sound deeply unpleasant"

"I'm sorry - you what? You sound like the fucking parent from hell"

^^
Some disgraceful comments aimed at the op on this thread.

I still know people like this ages 25-30

Examples would be interesting

I'm educated. I have 3 degrees. I still make mistakes and talk like an idiot sometimes. Sometimes I'm a right twat. My mother who never dare or want to write about me the way you are written about your daughter. I'm not a machine.

I gave up my career (although I'm still working I'm not as 'high' up as I could be without a young family to raise) -for my children and FOR ME. For me to enjoy time painting and messing about. My eldest is very bright and wants to go to university to medicine, I have no doubt she will as she's determined. But she's still an idiot at times, she still does things I don't like. But I love her and I like her and dare I say it -we are friends as well as mother and daughter. She's not my investment. It was my choice.

She's not a recipe. You can't just follow the method out of a book and expect a perfectly baked Victoria sponge.

Yeah totally normal for her age. The whole world owes me a favour and I can't do any wrong does pass after a few years! (For most)

Let her be and just enjoy having her back at home safe and sound. You've done the hard work. The rest is up to her.

How strange that a husband with Victorian authoritarian values allowed himself to be undermined and overruled by such a permissive wife.

LellyMckelly omg I wish I'd read what you've written when my eldest was 15. And read it everyday ever after.

I've got neices and nephews and a DD early 20s. Degrees, masters, seriously the shite that comes out of their mouths, sometimes I don't think they could be more stupid if they tried. I've got a 13 yr old to go. She's more young in herself than all the others and I'm glad because at least it comes across as innocence rather than arrogance.

@Chicchicchicchiclana I agree with you. There are some really awful comments being said to the OP. Why can’t some people try to be a little nicer.