Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

I remember my Dad had a saying whenever I spouted shite as a late teen, “engage brain before opening mouth” he would say. I knew bloody everything at that age, would lecture my parents and was a complete pain in the arse.

I know Jack shit these days and I consider that progress.

It's totally unclear whether the issues are that she just has different opinions and views to you on social, political, economical etc... matters to you and the issue is that you don't like she sees the world totally differently to you.

Or whether she is acting spoilt and irresponsible such as saying that she's never going to work because she's planning on meeting a rich guy who will just look after her and that is the only purpose of going to Uni.

I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice

That's quite a burden to land on your daughter. Maybe she's trying to find her own voice now?

Just smile and nod, and disengage.

Ensure she does her share around the house, is respectful of others' property and space, but otherwise, just leave her be.

I think you may have accidentally raised a normal fallible human being instead of a classic textbook example. Dont worry I'm sure she'll turn out fine.

You really need to do some soul searching and work out if she is actually making poor choices or whether you just have a difference of opinion on the matter at hand. We can’t really judge on here whether you’re rightfully frustrated or just intolerant of your DD having a different outlook on life to you.

My mum let us have freedom of expression - we did clash especially in my early 20's but we have always been close. We don't always share the same opinion but good healthy debate is not about sharing the same opinion but providing balanced arguments. I'm sure she would be disappointed in me if everything I did was a carbon copy of her.

I'm doing the same thing with my children - allowing them the chance to express themselves. My teenager can be tricky at times, but its all part of the learning process and development of their personalities. He has a great personality and is a good person to be around, but like most young people he forms opinions on things from brief reading on the internet - I always encourage more reading. And I think we're all guilty of snap judgements & quick opinions at times.

The only thing that concerns me is the potential to upset others. DS is quick witted but occasionally unintentionally hurtful in his bid to get laughs. I've had a couple of chats with him about that, and why its not the best idea and he is more cautious now.

As teens leave home and go to uni, they learn more about the world around them. It's actually a positive thing as its growth. Same with the lack of common sense - she has to learn her own ways of doing things and actually stepping back is the best thing you could do.

I hope you two grow closer over time, but don't stifle her new opinions, it will push her away. Encourage her to discuss things with you, provide her with questions on such opinions etc.

@LellyMcKelly

A beautiful, thoughtful, eloquent and reassuring post.

One I needed to read as my gobshite is irritating me.🙄😂
🙏🙏

Blimey I would hate to carry the burden that my mum had given up her career to give me the "best" start.

She sounds like a normal young adult, who has plenty more time to learn. You on the other hand........

You're disappointed that you've raised a confident young woman with strong opinions? Okay then.....

I am only page two of this thread but some of these responses are brilliantly astute.l

I also think you have to seperate the career sacrifice and any problems you are having now. The decision to be a SAHP was one you made because it was what you wanted at the time. If you hated every minute of it, or just generally regret it, that's nothing to do with her.

A totally seperate issue is that you aren't getting along well now. Solution depends on what's happening. DD outright insulting you - has to stop. If you just don't like her opinions and are getting on each other's nerves, try to agree to disagree and disengage.

This thread is a great example of covert type narcissism at play.

Martyr
moulding child to be in their own ideal image
Desire to control adult child
Seething disappointment in child who develops their own personality & opinions
Child is viewed as reflection of themselves
Believing they & only they know what is best for the adult child
Attempts to control adult child
Veil of selflessness
Projects image of being ‘perfect’ doting parent
Unhealthy focus & obsession with child
Identity wrapped up in child/parent role

Fascinating.

You can see it from the first sentence in the original post. She quit her career to be a ‘hands on’ mother. Anybody else would have used the term ‘SAHM’ instead. Do you see the subtle barb thrown towards working mothers ? You could easily miss it at a glance, but it’s there.

Also the lack of details regarding the daughter’s supposedly boorish behaviour despite being asked to provide an example.

I predict your daughter will one day work out what you are & distance herself from you emotionally / physically.

I think I was probably 30+ before I engaged brain before speaking. I remember friends in our teens who were so mature.
I was and am just young for my age and also had a terribly immature dm with bad parenting skills. It's taken a lot of effort on my part to be more thoughtful.
You can't put an old head on young shoulders.

My father wisely said your children owe you nothing. Your choice to have them.

Parenting can shape an individual to an extent but you are no longer 100% responsible for your adult child. Plenty of people do everything "perfectly" and yet can't change the fact that their DC is perhaps less academic than they hoped, less charming, less funny, less talented etc etc.

Children of covert narcissists are often fooled into believing parent / childhood was wonderful. Friction only starts to occur later on in life.

I predict even if daughter was compliant & not opinionated she would have ‘disappointed’ this mother in some other way, like say deciding not to have children, changing her appearance/fashion style, insert various personal life choices here

I predict the OP expects grandchildren. They always do...not right now of course because an 18yr old getting pregnant would be a disappointment! She should ideally be married & have a child by age 30 though.

You know what's funny? Parents of teenagers always complain that the teens "think they know everything". But meanwhile the parents are exactly the same! They always think they know everything about what their teen should do - but unless they have a mind reading device and a crystal ball for the future, they have no clue either.

My parents thought I was just so stupid for not doing every single thing they said, but actually their ideas were shit and I still think so 20 years later! The things I did comply with all turned out terribly, to the point my parents now deny they ever gave that advice and claim they advised the opposite.

What is the difference between a covert narc and your bog standard narc. The narc mother is Me Me Me, it's all about Me.

What are we talking about here OP?

Your daughter flaunting lockdown, buying and selling hard drugs, sleeping with her professor and kicking grannies in the street?

Or a young person who thinks she knows better, has different political ideas, eats different from you (junkfood or vegan or whatever diet), does not tidy her room to your standards, is exasperated with boomers owning the world etc

What sort of behaviour are we talking about?

She was your “project”, but serving your needs isn’t hers.
You need some professional help with your disappointment.

I can't imagine ever talking about children like this. They're teens so I do get how annoying they can be. You sound full of contempt for her OP. My parents definitely felt like this about me though and it was very obvious they didn't think much of me or the kind of person I was. I went no contact off and on for years and then finally took the plunge and didn't see or speak to them for over three years. We have controlled contact now.

She's only young, she's going to make mistakes.

You've given us no concrete examples so no-one on this thread can actually offer actual advice.

The way you talk about your child or "the product of my child rearing method" is awful and shocking.

@LellyMcKelly

I’m an academic and work with hundreds of 18-21 year olds every week (until now obvs). They’re all dicks. Every last one of them. Some of them are lovely dicks and I’m very fond of many of them, but ultimately they’re all half wits with shit for brains. It will get better. Think of this as a transition from adolescence to adulthood - they’ve just moved from being kids to all of a sudden being grown ups and they’re still practicing (I’m still practicing and I’m 50 😂). I was a complete dick at 18-19. Hopefully it’s less noticeable now ☺️

Based upon my extensive experience with students, I thoroughly agree. I imagine most parents would be equally horrified at the self entitlement and self importance that most (not all) students show while they are away at university. I’m sure it’s rubbed out of most of us eventually, but I don’t think there’s much that can actually be said to them to make them grow up!

I think you have put too much pressure on her. However you had brought her up, she would still be her own person and I think you thought you were more able to influence this than you were.

It may have been better to keep your career so you had something else to focus on, especially as she grew up. Hindsight is a great thing though!

Some disgraceful comments aimed at the op on this thread

Yes. And? It's a pretty disgraceful situation.

@LellyMcKelly Dear God I hope that's not what my lecturers think of me