Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

Honestly it's just coming across that you resent the fact you gave up your career and you don't have a perfectly obedient child.

Your daughter didn’t ask you to be as obsessed with parenting her as you clearly were/are

Take a step back

She’s a person in her own right not a ‘product’ of all the books you read etc

You sound like an absolute nightmare.

Your daughter is her own person, not your social experiment or a product to perfect to your standards. Your post makes it sound like you've got nothing in your life apart from parenting your daughter, which is too much pressure to put on her.

Sounds like you are resentful that you dedicated so long to your child. This is not their burden to carry and I am sure they are feeling some level of resentment to you if you show it (and I am sure you do).
Their biggest "crime" seems to be that they have differing opinions to you.

So you allowed her to Express her opinions and when she does you are disappointed? She sounds like a usual late teenager full of bravado and " knows it all" my youngest Dd is heading for 23 and she has just started to engage brain before she opens her mouth, they are exhausting at that age and I really think you are expecting far too much from your Dd.

Reading this makes me very relieved that I never sacrificed my career on the altar of motherhood and lived my life vicariously through my children, expecting them to achieve particular qualities and goals instead of achieving them myself.

And to be clear: that’s not disrespecting people who choose to stay home; it’s a perfectly valid choice. Just don’t attach strings to it. Don’t do it on the basis that your children will turn out ‘better’ than if you’d continued to live your own life.

Honestly you sound like a nightmare and I hope for your dd sake this is a wind up

@LellyMcKelly 😂

Hello everyone,
Writing is obviously not my forte. I obviously need to communicate better.
I do not resent my child, I am disappointed. I am looking for advice on other ways to let her know that she needs think first (as taking does not work).
Please don't get me wrong, I do not need a payback for the last 2 decades, what I am trying to say is that I have raised her to be a confident person with a voice and now I am questioning if that was wrong.

You don't actually create your children to that extent!

She's not a bonsai.

Not wrong, but the process isn't finished yet. Think of it like cheese or wine making. You labour over it and do everything right, but there's a period at the end where you have to let it do it's own thing. Only time brings out the full potential!

In the meantime you have to live with her, so take a deep breath and pause before speaking. Model moderation and consideration. And if she says anything hurtful, say 'ouch, that's not very kind'.

Of course raising her to have a voice was not wrong she is developing her own thoughts and opinions she is allowed to do this however if you feel she is being rude to you then you need to tell her this, being an adult doesn't come from text books we bumble along and hopefully get it right along the way.

I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.

Crikey 🙁

I'm sure she can be unpleasant at times. Teenagers are like that, but she's her own person. A human being in her own right. She isn't your project and you need to rethink your whole attitude towards her.

How were you at her age? I doubt you were a well rounded, obedient, passive individual. So very few of us are at that age. We think we're indestructible and know everything.

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice.

Well I didn’t give up my career, went back to work at 5 months. I think I still tried to be the “best mum I could” ( I’ll ignore the implied message that stay at home is best for the child) and have never read a parenting book in my life.

I have a 19yo old back from uni who is great company, delightful and kind with a naughty sense of humour. She’s shielding my mum at the moment as mum has cancer and does cooking, cleaning, driving to chemo etc. Was I a better parent than you? I very much doubt it! I don’t think it is as simple as do x,y, and z and you get a “nice”adult, don’t do these things and they are an unpleasant adult.
For gods sake don’t let her know you are disappointed! Memories of that do not fade.

Ever heard about the man who when he was 18 thought his dad knew nothing? When he was 40 he was astonished at the amount his dad had learnt in the intervening 20 odd years.

They’re all know it alls at 18. If you’re lucky they grow out of it.

Perhaps she’s deeply disappointed in you too? Why don’t you ask her and then think about what she says, why she feels that way, and why she voiced it that way.

Then crack on with loving the people in your life as they are and not as you want them to be.

Sounds like you've over indulged and put her on a pedalstool

"I taught her to think for herself and now she doesn't think like me, i don't like her!"

She'll be picking up on your disappointment. That's not great, to put it mildly. You can't shape an adult.

That's so good to read. Perhaps boys take longer to mature than girls do. I hope my son gains more confidence and is less anxious as he gets older

I remember thinking that when I became a mum I would have this little baby which would be like a blank bit of paper that I could mould into a super human being. That was my first parenting lesson, she was and is her own person with her own wants and needs, wholly separate from mine.

She is an adult now, who like most at that age, is full of the exuberance of youth and that conviction that you know everything! With the double whammy of being back at home with parents after a period of freedom and then not being able to go out and see friends.

Honestly, accept her for who she is, call her out immediately (and with humor, if you can) if she is being rude/cheeky and then move on. Try and have some good times too other wise your home becomes a pretty unpleasant place. Think of it as investing in your relationship rather than a treat.

You're disappointed that you've raised a confident young woman with strong opinions? Okay then...

I don't know, my 18/19 year old are lovely, we both worked full time but didn't use childcare so I guess also raised them ourselves. We were probably too strict to be honest. I wish I'd been less controlling on making sure their behaviour was perfect. They both don't have high self esteem or confidence tbh, there is probably a happy medium.

I really disliked kids who thought they were the centre of the universe so worked hard to make sure that mine weren't arrogant. We did always tell them that we were proud of them and celebrated their accomplishments.

I think you need to treat your daughter as you would any other adult, I don't take being talked at without respect from anyone. You can tell her that without getting into a conflict and maybe you can shift your relationship to a better footing.

In what ways is she lacking in common sense? If she is taking illegal drugs, or constantly ignoring reasonable precautions about coronavirus, I can understand your worrying about it. But if it's just that she doesn't agree with you about e.g. the best way to wash the dishes, I would say that, even if you're right on the particular topic, you're overreacting. It is important that you do not see her as 'the product of my child rearing method' or as something that you 'created'. Parents do not have full control even over their young children's characteristics, and certainly not of their adult children's characteristics. It's also worth remembering that (1) young people's frontal lobes don't fully mature until they are about 25, resulting in their tending to be relatively impulsive and uninhibited as younger adults; (2) the current crisis has forced her, like many students, to return to the parental home after a life of much greater independence, and she may be unusually strident because of her underlying fear of losing independence completely.