Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

You chose to have a child and make those sacrifices. She doesn't owe you anything. I really dislike this attitude.

My mother would probably say this about me. We are like chalk and cheese and I have very different opinions to her on many things. My MIL is the same with my DH as he is also very different to her. She would always say he would change his opinions when he grew older, but he is 41 now and hasn't.

If I had a daughter I would want her to have a voice and be confident. The biggest problem in the world at the moment is apathy. I also think some forget what it was like to be this age, going to University. Being exposed to different thoughts and opinions, which developed your own. There is often this awkward bit around this age where people find it difficult to understand that their child is now an adult and is separate from them. I certainly remember being told to engage my mind before speaking but it was always when I said something that conflicted with their world views.

Are we any the wiser about the thought/logic that the daughter is unwilling to apply? My mother thinks I’m overly opinionated because I disagree that she’s got the right not to choose her GP based on their ethnicity.

You devoted 18-19 years? Sounds like smothering. Even now you mention wanting to 'shape her' as an adult.

I think you have control issues that you need to work on rather than worrying about your daughter finding her feet in an adult world.

Gift of eternal knowledge, they all have it at that age.

It passes when parts of the brain mature. Its biological I'm pretty sure. Leave her alone.

She's an adult. She has her own views, personality and attitude. Leave her alone.

And no, you can't 'shape her' now she's an adult.

By the way ... I'm in my 40a, have two lovely kids, a wonderful DH and a steady job.

My mum is still trying to 'shape' me and it has nearly destroyed our relationship so many times. Leave her alone and let her be herself.

19 is so young really. I'm sure I've read somewhere that the frontal lobe bit of the brain that helps us to be logical finishes developing at 24. There are some really responsible 19 year olds, I can think of 2 friends who were mums at that age and became wise beyond their years, but I'm sure the majority of 19 year olds are more like your daughter (I know I was)

It depends what you mean by stupid and belligerent and think before you speak.

If she sticks the knife in the toaster or makes a fuss that the peanut butter has nuts,then you have a point.

If she is rude , mean, hurtful, then you have a point.

If she's anti vaxx/flat earther then you have a point.

However if it's just that her opinions are different to yours and she won't back down, or of she's expressing her feelings/opinions about your relationship/her childhood for example and you simply don't like it that's an entirely different matter.

My mum didn't tell anyone I was pregnant because I'm unpredictable and I never think before I act (according to her) so she didn't knew if I'd keep the baby or not.

When I was a teenager we had child development as part of the curriculum in Year 8 or 9. The last chapter was about teen development. We learnt about how teens are volatile and hormonal and emotional and can't take criticism.

I knew there was only one member of my family who corresponded to that description and that was my mother who was going through the menopause. But of course it would have been considered inappropriate to write about adults in those terms. We weren't even taught that the menopause existed, because obviously adults are Real People and in control of their emotions.

Meanwhile, in the real world...

Don't know why I suddenly remembered this now.

(P.S. My mother would have found that thing about the teenagers as annoying as I did. She always thought of us as people- and she knew she herself was struggling).

OP she'll grow up as she gets more life experience and listens to how peers and bosses talk at work.

I cringe so painfully at some of the opinions I used to express in my late teens/early 20s. The worst one was aged 19 when I told the mum I worked for as an au pair, how I would never hire a mother as it wouldn't be a great return on investment. WTF. She was of course outraged and upset and tried her best to educate me on the matter at the time but stupid me thought I was being so clever and seeing things in a sensible way. I wouldn't believe I had uttered those words if I didn't have such a crystal clear memory of the conversation.

That opinion is not who I was, it was just an ill-thought out opinion I held when I was too young and immature to know better. And hopefully it's the same for your daughter and as she matures so will the way she expresses herself.