Feeling disappointed with adult child

[MumTrieshard]

I gave up my career to be a "hands on" mum to my child. I was raised by my grandparents so I wanted to give my child "the best". I tried to be the best mum, I devoted the next 18-19 years to developing my child as per text books and expert advice. My adult child is currently home from university and I can't help feeling disappointed with the product of my child rearing method.
Since home, I have witnessed a self assured/belligerent individual. The level of stupidity and the lack of common sense are astounding.
I am finding it very hard to accept that my daughter has so little common sense and despite talking to her, she will not think before her mouth is engaged. I am disappointed and I now know that I was wrong to give her so much freedom. My husband wanted her raised in a Vctorian/ authoritarian way but I insisted that a democratic approach......throughout her life, I gave her a voice regardless of her age as long as it was delivered respectfully. Now, I have an arrogant and belligerent individual who constantly voices her opinions without thought/logic. All I want is her her to think before action.
I blame myself as I created this individual, how can I shape her now that she is an adult?

Is this actually serious??? who refers to their child as clinically as this? where is the love for her? poor poor girl

It's difficult to say much without any examples being provided. What does she say that is so awful?

I bet she can't wait to get back to uni. Writing is not your forte? How about empathy, got any of that? Genuinely question - is that something you struggle with?

I'm shocked that you have written about your own child in this way, whatever their age.

Everyone knows everything at 19/20. Life is there to smooth the rough edges a bit, until we get to 50 when we realise how little we really know.

She's a woman. She may be your daughter, but she's hers, first and foremost. Your job now is to smile, nod and say nothing and encourage her to leave home at the first opportunity.

She's not a jelly. You can't 'mould' her.

And her father sounds a right twat, I hope you aren't still letting him influence either you or her.

I have raised her to be a confident person with a voice and now I am questioning if that was wrong.

Not really sure what you mean by this - usually, being a confident person with a voice is a good thing.

Is the issue that you don’t agree with her opinions? If so, that’s not a failing on her part. Lots of people have different opinions to their parents.

Is the issue that she has abhorrent opinions? If she’s racist / sexist / ableist / whatever then I understand why it’s so difficult, and you just have to keep challenging her on them and trying to help her understand why she’s on the wrong side of the argument.

If you just don’t like her expressing opinions at all, that’s your problem not hers.

Is the issue that she’s rude and aggressive, or disrespectful of your views? If so, challenge her on her rudeness rather than on the fact that she has opinions that she wants to express. Ask her to express herself without being rude to others. That will be a useful lesson for her to learn if she hasn’t yet.

No wonder she's belligerent - she has a mother who's treated her childhood as some kind of weird experiment!

It's normal for her age. The human brain doesn't truly mature till the early to mid 20's. Count yourself lucky she's at uni and will spew most of it at her lecturers and friends. She'll settle down. Be proud, she's confident, she's working for her future and will likely do well. You've done a great job. I would have hated my 18-19 year old self. My parents must have been glad I'd moved out.

It can be disappointing when they leave home at 18 and you both have a good relationship with each other; then they return three years later and you think, "Who is this person?"
Smile and wave OP. Smile and wave. And never let on that you're disappointed.
this too shall pass.

I have raised her to be a confident person with a voice and now I am questioning if that was wrong
Why don't you like her confidence - are you quite a meek a mild person yourself, and you can't relate to her? I think though, she sounds like a typical young adult and will grow out of the arrogance of youth as we all (hopefully) did. But I do have to say you don't sound like you like her very much anyway.

Now, here's a thing.....talk to her. If this " dilema" is real (?)

Go out for a drive or have a drink, what ever and gently ,using all those social skills you have picked up in your journey to adulthood ,say something like "this is quite and enexpected and challenging time for us isn't it?"

Can you give an example of her stupidity and lack of common sense?
Sometimes, it might just be a difference of opinions.
How to shape her now? Well you can’t really as she’s an adult. If she’s living away at uni, that usually helps to develop life skills and common sense.
Does she help out with chores? Watch tv with you? Interested in current affairs?
Exposure to what’s going on around the world helps people to develop opinions but I’d shed not interested, then you can’t force it.
She’s going through a transitional change so just have patience and allow her to develop.

It's not a simple formula.

Good parenting = A whole well rounded adult child who is likeable to you

It's more like

Good parenting + the child's personality + an almost number of other influences and experiences= An adult child who is a reflection of all of this and who you may or may not find likeable but will still continue to change grow and develop for many years in ways you may or may not approve of

The brain doesn't fully mature until mid to late twenties. Young adults are immature. they say and do stupid things. They act before they think. All normal.

You can help now by ensuring that you pick her up on what she says and does if it's rude, thoughtless, selfish or hurtful.

Get her to do her bit at home - cooking for the family twice a week, doing a fair share of housework, gardening, odd jobs, running errands. Expect her to contribute financially too if she can find a job. If she can't, then she splits the housework fifty fifty with you if you are still a SAHP.

But don't do any of this in a punishing way. Just in a friendly, 'this is what's expected now you are an adult' way. Chat with her, go for walks with her, ask her opinion on all sorts of things from personal taste and style to public life - the economy, parliament, state of the world.

Do something together. Learn something together - anything. Find out how to become close as adults and begin to relinquish control. She is going to make a lot of mistakes in her twenties. Most people do. You probably did. You have to stand back and let her.

Disappointment in adult child is a heavy fucking phrase to use about a young adult who has the audacity to have a different opinion to you. Disappointment implies that they did something bad. Not knowing something yet, or expressing an opinion as they learn isn't something to be disappointed with!

I love how some posters are assuming the child is wrong - I disagreed with my mum about some things as a teenager. Guess what, I still do!

(yeah, blaming me for a boy sexually assaulting a girl at my 18th birthday - still utterly wrong, and her being older doesn't make her right then or now)

Overtherainbow2020: Very valid, understood and thank you.

ALL: Thank you. Quite interesting replies here. I do love my child. I would like to see her put brain in gear before mouth more that's all.

"how can I shape her now that she is an adult?"
Unless you believe in teaching old dogs new tricks, you can't shape her.
She has to shape her own path and make decisions for herself as an adult.
You created your own monster now you will have to accept your fate.

Shes still pretty much adolescent. Shes at uni, shes doing fine. Most of the other stuff comes with life experience.
You need to love the daughter youve got, not your fantasy daughter who is already wise and never puts her foot in it while still a teenager. Wtf

To be fair its hard to give an opinion based on the very limited info you've put on this post.

If she's being rude, shouting, yelling, then yes she should be pulled up for it. If she's simply got different opinions to you then that's called independent thinking and should be applauded.

If its a case of she doesn't think before she speaks and just blurts inappropriate stuff out, then this must have come up when she was a child surely? At which point a parent explains thinking before speaking.

I think you need to explain what you mean by "levels of stupidity" and "so little common sense" - in what ways? What examples of this are there?

19 year olds are generally know it all's - my eldest is about to turn 21 and I've raised her to be very independent in her thinking. We differ on many issues in the way we think, and she's frequently on her soapbox about different issues but I don't call her stupid for thinking differently to me, I cant imagine how you could describe your own child in those terms tbh.

Blimey who knew that being a stay at home parent for 18/19 years, not having grandparents help raise kids, and reading every book going on child rearing was 'the best' way to bring up a child!! FFS, give your head a wobble.

Most of us don't see our children as little projects that take over our whole lives. Some people stay at home and some people go back to work. Some, like me, have my Mum to help with childcare so I can work and have my own money to feed, clothe and house my child. They are all perfectly good ways to bring a child up. They are all 'the best' way to bring a child up.

I'm surprised your daughter has even come home tbh. It must be incredibly oppressive for her and at the same time disheartening to never match up to your ideal or should I say some parenting books ideal of 'the best' child!

Tbh she doesnt sound dissimilar to many young adults. Its a difficult age, many of us think we know it all at that age. She will grow out of it.
I dont think your husbands method of child rearing would have been better.
I think the most important thing is to love your child and try to save any criticism for the really important things otherwise it will destroy your relationship.
Shes at uni, which is great, so she is doing fine.
Its hard to let go and understandably you have invested a lot into her but hard as it is you now have to step back ,let her live her own life, make her own mistakes. Concentrate on your own life, hobbies, friends, interests etc.

I think you need to give some examples so we can assess if this is normal 18yr old behaviour or if they are truly not very nice and lacking in common sense.

You seem to think that you are the only thing that will have shaped her but her peers and the generation she is part of play a massive role.

I imagine that she is pretty normal and struggling to find her place in the family after having lived away for a while.

She sounds perfectly normal for her age, well done on raising a person who can voice their opinions. It's a good thing. You don't need to"let her know that she needs to think first".

Time to stop trying to control what you created, and go and find something else to invest yourself in. My MIL never did - her kids are in their 40s with their own families, and she's still trying to control them because she has never developed any other interests or social circle. Time to be your own person and let your DD grow.

I think you need to practice what you preach then OP

Is this real .

Why was the only choices in raising a child either 'Victorian' or 'total freedom'? Couldn't there be a middle ground?

As for her behaviour, I'm assuming she's just at the end of her first year of uni? Most people her age are exactly like that, especially if they live in university. They live in a bubble of freedom without any real responsibility. She'll very likely grow out of it, really isn't worth a thread unless she's causing real harm.

ALL: Thank you. Quite interesting replies here. I do love my child. I would like to see her put brain in gear before mouth more that's all.

Can you give us an idea of what sort of things she has said?

It's just that I'm 40 and my mum would still say I speak without thinking, what she means is that I have a different opinion to her and will actually express it to her.