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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for driving lessons

202 replies

Candy150 · 30/05/2020 11:45

DS is sulking as we’ve refused to pay for driving lessons. He’s 24 and has his own job, lives at home. He doesn’t contribute to the household expenses including to food so his wages are all his own.

Admittedly he only started working earlier this year after graduating a few years ago so hasn’t got much savings but AIBU? I feel he should learn to stand on his own feet starting with this. Especially as he’s had what I would say is an easy ride since graduation. He’s very upset and says we can afford it. I’m feeling a bit guilty as he’s now skulked off to his room, would appreciate some views on this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 30/05/2020 11:48

Well he won't be learning to drive then will he? My ds 24 bought his own house last year. And he has 2 cars..
Paid for his own lessons..
Sounds like you still have a stroppy teen op.

LesleysChestnutBob · 30/05/2020 11:48

Couldn't hit that YANBU fast enough - he's an adult, earning a wage, he should pay for it himself. Yes it's expensive but that just means he will have to save up.

If he had been contributing at all to your house maybe you could have negotiated a slight reduction but he's not a17 year old with a paper round is he

pancakesunday · 30/05/2020 11:49

I think you're totally right in saying he should pay for his lessons. I had to pay board to my Mum from when I was 18 and had my first full time job. He needs to take some responsibility for himself. I had to pay for all my own driving lessons and I bought my first car myself when I was 21.

Muppetry76 · 30/05/2020 11:51

Zero outgoings, you've already supported him for 3 years since he graduated?

Not a chance, sunbeam! You also need to have a long overdue conversation about his contribution to the household, at the very least for food and groceries.

If he was away at Uni then he should know how much running a home costs, you're not springing any sort of surprise on him. CF.

AdoreTheBeach · 30/05/2020 11:52

If he was 16/17/18/19 and still in full time education, I’d say of course, why not. We did this with our kids (BUT we told them they had to work, save and pay half - we didn’t actually take that half, just wanted to ensure they REALLY were committed).

However, working full time, no financial commitments - they should pay. Start this right now or they’ll likely then ask for you to buy a car, insurance, tax and maintenance of said car.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 30/05/2020 11:52

He's 24!!! He is a full grown adult!!! He can pay for his own damn lessons

CrotchetyQuaver · 30/05/2020 11:52

No I wouldn't pay. I'd be concerned about his level of entitlement too. He really ought to be contributing to his living expenses, even if you just put the money away in an account for him (without telling him). I have 2 DD 24/25. They paid for their own driving lessons, because my husband was unemployed for over 2 years at that stage and we couldn't afford to. They just got on with it and I think we're all the more motivated to get on and pass for it. The eldest moved out just before Christmas, the younger one is still at home and we ask for £150/m keep. It would cost a lot more anywhere else!

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Otherwise pay for a course of lessons for birthday/Christmas for him.

Gramgram · 30/05/2020 11:54

Does he realise that you have to pay to live anywhere. Rates, electricity, water, house insurance, has etc. Or does he believe that fairies pay for these things or they are free. Time for some life lessons.

zingally · 30/05/2020 11:56

You are absolutely right to not pay!!

He's 24, earning, and not paying any rent or board. He can absolutely pay for his own driving lessons!
There's a HUGE difference between paying for your 17 year old to have lessons, and you paying for your 24 year old.
Why are you still funding him like this anyway? Why wasn't he working until recently, despite graduating a few years ago? I feel like there is more to this story... ;)

Sparklesocks · 30/05/2020 11:57

No he’s an adult with his own income, he can pay for his own lessons.
Maybe you should look into him paying some sort of rent/expenses too, because it might help him understand paying your keep and budgeting your income accordingly.

MrsOfBebbanburg · 30/05/2020 11:57

Oh dear!! He’s been very spoilt to get to 24 and still expect mummy and daddy to be funding him entirely!

Time for a full and Frank conversation. He needs to start contributing to his costs in the house and everything else is his own responsibility.

beautifulxdisasters · 30/05/2020 11:57

The only way I can see that he might have a point is if you paid for lessons for other DC and there was some specific reason he didn't learn when he was 17 (illness etc).

But I'm 99.9% sure he's just being a spoilt brat. Like many PP I owned a house and a car at 24. He's still acting like a child.

ilovesooty · 30/05/2020 11:57

Not only should he pay for his own lessons he should contribute to the household too. He's taking the piss and you're enabling it.

beautifulxdisasters · 30/05/2020 11:58

And yes he definitely needs to start contributing to the household!

CovidicusRex · 30/05/2020 11:59

Is that a typo of some kind? If not I really think you should consider throwing him out for his own good. I’m accustomed to multigenerational families (it’s the norm in my culture) and I’ve never so much as heard of an adult child behaving this way let alone at 24!

budgiegirl · 30/05/2020 11:59

Of course he should pay his own lessons - I’m surprised it would even occur to him that you would pay. He’s a fully grown, working adult! He should also be paying his fair share of food and bills.

My eldest son paid for his own lessons when he was 17 and still at school - all from his Saturday job. However, this was because we had just paid out for him to go on a very expensive school cricket tour.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 30/05/2020 12:00

Good Lord!
There are a few things you are being unreasonable about but not paying for driving lessons isn’t one of them!
You are being unreasonable to feel guilty and, if you do not immediately take steps to address the fact that you have raised a spoiled, entitled man-child then you will be being unreasonable.
If he wants to strop and sulk, he can go and do it in his own flat, which he pays for. After all, he has been living without bills for 3 years so unless he’s utterly irresponsible, he wil l have a nice deposit saved by now.

PolkaDotsPolka · 30/05/2020 12:00

Absolutely not a chance! I'd you've been supporting him since he graduated and now he's not contributing to the household he should be grateful for what he's already got! If he's got zero outgoings he can put his wages towards lessons.

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 12:00

Thanks all, I’m feeling a little relieved to read your opinions.

This has been my fear the last couple of years, that even though as parents we want our children to have better lives than us (I had a difficult upbringing) that somehow I’ve gone the other way and created an entitled brat. I agree wholeheartedly that life lessons are needed. I feel maybe we’ve failed in some way that he could even think of asking especially after reading some of your DS/DD achievements and even your own experiences.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Foxes157 · 30/05/2020 12:01

We paid for dtiving lessons for dd while she was in full time eduction and bought a car. But she paid the insurance which was more expensive than the car.

But she wasn't going to uni and we were saving on that, plus we saw it as vital education to make her more employable.

However at 19 she pays board of £200 a month, runs her own car, has a saving ethic.

At 24 with a job and zero contribution to the household not a chance. Surely he's saved enough during lock down to pay for them as there is nothing for him to spend money on.

Berthatydfil · 30/05/2020 12:04

Another vote for Yanbu.
However you are very unreasonable not making him contribute towards household costs such as food and utilities.
My university age dc are home at the moment and my shopping bill is double. They pay towards their phone contracts and pay the running costs of a car which they are using out of their part time student jobs and if they want any special food or drinks buy it themselves.

forrestgreen · 30/05/2020 12:05

My 19 year old moved across the country for a job, has her own flat and pays for her own driving lessons, because she's an adult.

NoobTree · 30/05/2020 12:05

I think you should sit him down and discuss finances. Including how much rent is on a one bed flat, plus how much bills would be (council tax, gas, water, electricity, internet, insurance, etc) , then add on cost of food. Tell him you are already subsidising him to x amount and that him demanding money for driving lessons has made you re-evaluate the situation.

Gncq · 30/05/2020 12:06

My parents paid for driving lessons when I was 16 because I was going to a college really far away from home.
At 24 I'd have been embarrassed to ask!

I'm sure you've been a brilliant parent but this generation are a bit... Different.

LaaLaaLanded · 30/05/2020 12:06

I can’t imagine being at work and not paying rent and then asking my mam to pay for driving lessons!

My own dd, 16, said last week that she ‘might not learn to drive’ and I told her that she would learn to drive and drive herself to netball matches and her job! I’m not doing it for a moment more than I need to.

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