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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for driving lessons

202 replies

Candy150 · 30/05/2020 11:45

DS is sulking as we’ve refused to pay for driving lessons. He’s 24 and has his own job, lives at home. He doesn’t contribute to the household expenses including to food so his wages are all his own.

Admittedly he only started working earlier this year after graduating a few years ago so hasn’t got much savings but AIBU? I feel he should learn to stand on his own feet starting with this. Especially as he’s had what I would say is an easy ride since graduation. He’s very upset and says we can afford it. I’m feeling a bit guilty as he’s now skulked off to his room, would appreciate some views on this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 13:19

@AriadnesFilament

If I’d clicked YANBU any harder I’d have gone through my phone screen

Made me laugh out loud.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 30/05/2020 13:20

We have an agreement with our lot that we take a little off their digs (or will when it’s their turn) when they take driving lessons as a bit of a contribution.

We also take a bit off if they are actively saving. Not loads as they need to know what contributing to a household is like, in terms of finances and pitching in with jobs, to understand how the world works

I had a similar early to you op - abusive parents, then grandparents who doted but struggled - and over compensating is so so easy to do, but it really doesn’t help them any

EmbarrassedUser · 30/05/2020 13:21

Suck it up buttercup! What is he spending his money on fgs? Driving lessons sound like the perfect thing to me.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 30/05/2020 13:21

What on earth has he been doing since he graduated 3 years ago???

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 13:27

@matchboxtwentyunwell

Well he took a gap year before uni when he worked for the year so technically graduated 2 years ago. Since then traveled a bit, had a part time job for a few months and sat indoors.

OP posts:
Autumnsloth · 30/05/2020 13:28

He's 24 that's absurd!! I'm only a few years older and live with my DP, have a DC and am paying for my own driving lessons... if my parents wanted to contribute an amount towards them for birthday or Christmas, no more than they would usually spend on a regular birthday present or Christmas, I'd accept gratefully - but expecting them to pay straight up is madness..

TooOldForSims · 30/05/2020 13:29

I paid for my own driving lessons when I was 17/18 with money I earned from my part time weekend job. It wasn't easy but I managed. I'm sure he will be fine to be for his own driving lessons when he has a full time job.

Ninkanink · 30/05/2020 13:30

He absolutely should be contributing to the household and food! And seeing as he isn’t he’s being incredibly entitled to sulk over not having his driving lessons paid for!

You’re going to have to get this sorted asap - so far you’ve raised a man who is not going to make a good, decent partner.

Does he clean, help with household maintenance such as washing his own laundry, tidying up after himself, take his turn to cook and do the washing up etc? If he has his own bathroom please tell me you don’t clean it for him by default.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2020 13:31

Did you help him through university? Did he live at home seeing as you’re living in London?

trafod · 30/05/2020 13:35

He should be paying for a lot more than driving lessons. After I graduated Uni I was working but living at home because the starting wage wasn't enough for me to afford to move out. My mum charged me rent, a lot lower than what it would be in a normal rental situation, and I didn't give it a second thought. I remember I told her I wanted a cable box in my bedroom and she added the equipment rental charge to my rent, fair enough. About 2 years later after I switched jobs and was earning a much better wage I moved out on my own. The time living at home helped me understand money and not spend it so friviously. It made the shock of "real life" bills not shocking at all once I was out on my own.

I don't mean this to sound rude but I think your son has taken advantage of this situation long enough. As other's have said, what is he spending his money on? During this time of coronavirus there is not a lot to do socially so I doubt he's able to spend it on night's out or wherever it was going before the lock down. I think now is the best time to start laying out some plans for him to contribute.

Sit him down and look over his finances together. Help him to write out a budget and figure out what and where he can contribute to the household.

onalongsabbatical · 30/05/2020 13:40

OP does he show any signs of wanting to leave home and have his own life yet?

LizB62A · 30/05/2020 13:43

I paid for my own driving lessons when I was still at school !

And my then-teenage son insisted on paying rent as soon as he got his apprenticeship (which at the time was less than minimum wage)

I understand you want to help him but you're not helping him by letting him be so entitled.
Charge him £50 a week and then pay for a driving lesson a week.
If he's not saving, there's not a lot you can do to force him to save but how on earth is he ever going to be able to afford to leave home if he doesn't start saving ?!

Sewingbea · 30/05/2020 13:47

I think it's great that you have recognised that it's time to draw the line OP. I think you may be in for some epic sulking though. Hold firm and have that conversation about contributing to the household income too, may as well get all the sulking over in one go Grin

RedHelenB · 30/05/2020 13:48

I think he should be paying board but if you can afford to pay towards driving lessons you should.

blankethog · 30/05/2020 13:50

I'm not yet 24, I own my home, have a child and pay my own bills. If I asked my mum to pay for my driving lessons she'd laugh her head off

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/05/2020 13:52

Nah.. YANBU.

If he were working his arse off, contributing a fair share as an adult, then yes, some sort of financial assistance with either lessons or perhaps the first years insurance might be in order.

But it seems like he is a useless freeloader, contributing nothing and taking all he can get.. so he can fuck the fuck off.

I would re-evaluate things and suggest that as he raised the subject of finances, you have had a rethink and require him to pay rent/board and contribute to the household as he would if it were a house share with other young adults.

And then brace yourself hahaha!

RuthW · 30/05/2020 13:53

Why would you pay for lessons? He's an adult. My dd paid for her own lessons when she was 17

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2020 13:55

Sulking? At 24? Wtf? Quite honestly, I’d be sending him some adverts for flats and a breakdown for monthly bills, council tax etc. Jeez.

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 14:00

@Ninkanink

Yes keeps his own room and his own bathroom clean. No way I’ll clean that for him. Does his own laundry, can cook for himself and wash up. I don’t feel he would be a bad partner, he is mostly a decent and a kind person. Just lacking in financial awareness and too used to the good life.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Yes, given an allowance throughout university even though he lived at home (again no expenses as he was a student and wanted him to concentrate on his studies).

OP posts:
Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 14:04

@WiddlinDiddlin

Indeed! A conversation is definitely long overdue.
Will start with a written breakdown of the costs of running the house for one as a starting point.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 30/05/2020 14:07

Oh good, you’ve already done most of the important work right, then!

However, you’re doing him no favours by not expecting adulthood from him in financial terms.

I’d start by asking him for a set amount every month toward food and bills. It should be a significant enough amount that it cramps his style a little, as that will be a good incentive for working harder and progressing in terms of jobs.

If you don’t actually need the money and you won’t miss it, then you could open a savings account and deposit that sum monthly, which can go toward a deposit on his flat when he moves out. DON’T TELL HIM you’re saving it for that purpose, just do it on the quiet. That way you can look at it as directly helping him out in a way that is actually productive for him long-term rather than enabling him to potentially be a lifelong layabout without any drive.

Pacmanitee · 30/05/2020 14:07

Of course he should pay for them himself, why on earth not? If he was genuinely unable to find a job locally and there weren't any accessible by public transport, then I could see more of an argument for paying them; perhaps with the caveat that he pays you back. But as is, no way- such an entitled attitude that seems to be prevelent today, horrible.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2020 14:07

Mmm yes, I was thinking you probably subsidised him throughout university but didn’t want to make sssumptions. Your ds sounds very entitled tbh.

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 14:08

@Sewingbea

Haha I’m not sure I’m ready for Armageddon just yet, especially with this virus still in play.

OP posts:
Merigoround · 30/05/2020 14:08

I think somebody has made themselves way too comfortable living with his parents. He is the prince and you are his staff. Providing everything his majesty wants -but only when he wants it obviously.

Its time he got a taste of real life . How you do that is up to you . Maybe by showing him the day to day costs of running a home and not even including the cost of obtaining said home to start with.
Its been my observation that for some young people now their 'maturity' has been delayed by several years and 25 is the new 18 for them.
Not all by any means.
DD is 18 and stands on her own feet as do many of her friends. But Ive heard colleagues talking about their supposedly grown children who still live at home in their 20s and who behave similarly to OPs DS. I might add that they are without exception male - but it is a small group so cant say that its a representative sample.