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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for driving lessons

202 replies

Candy150 · 30/05/2020 11:45

DS is sulking as we’ve refused to pay for driving lessons. He’s 24 and has his own job, lives at home. He doesn’t contribute to the household expenses including to food so his wages are all his own.

Admittedly he only started working earlier this year after graduating a few years ago so hasn’t got much savings but AIBU? I feel he should learn to stand on his own feet starting with this. Especially as he’s had what I would say is an easy ride since graduation. He’s very upset and says we can afford it. I’m feeling a bit guilty as he’s now skulked off to his room, would appreciate some views on this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 30/05/2020 12:55

Start charging him digs, look up the going rate for a houseshare in your area, and then pay for the lessons from that!

When I made my 18 year old DD look up rental prices she stopped being a stroppy brat and realised that the pittance I was charging her for digs was good value for money! Make him work out what he would be paying over a year to live on his own,

What does he spend his wages on?

Badassmama · 30/05/2020 12:55

Sorry pressed too soon!
He needs to move out and see what it’s like paying all his own bills and expenses then he’s can discuss what’s affordable with you!

MoMagic · 30/05/2020 12:58

No, he should pay for them himself. He should also be contributing something to the household, even if it’s just for food.

My parents made me pay rent when I was 16 and got my first job. I paid them monthly and they then handed it all back to me when I turned 18 and was going to uni. I used some of that money for driving lessons. I also had a part time Tesco job all through uni so I didn’t have to ask my parents for money. They did pay my fees and accommodation for uni though.

mylittlesandwich · 30/05/2020 12:59

I'll also say that I'm 27 now so still not much older I would be mortified at still living with my mum just now never mind moping because she won't give me money. He sounds like a bit of a man child.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 30/05/2020 13:01

No way you should pay, he is 24 FGS! I started working full time at 17 and from that moment on always paid housekeeping to my parents and I also paid for all my lessons and the test and bought my own car at 21 with money I had saved and money from my parents instead of a party or present - that is what you do if you are really committed/keen to get your driving licence and your own wheels, as confirmed on here by several other posters.

RantyAnty · 30/05/2020 13:02

Does he help around the house? Do his own laundry?

What does he spend his money on?

Of course you shouldn't pay and he really should think about moving out soon.

I noticed how it's the women who seem to get the jobs, save, and start paying for some things while it's the men you read about who are 20s and 30s and sponging off their parents as long as they're allowed to.

Why is that?

thatsallineed · 30/05/2020 13:02

Tell him you are already subsidising his lifestyle by hundreds of pounds a month, because he lives at home for free and contributes nothing to the household budget.

BatShite · 30/05/2020 13:02

When I made my 18 year old DD look up rental prices she stopped being a stroppy brat and realised that the pittance I was charging her for digs was good value for money!

Same with me. I was paying board from 16 (as I was working from then, didn't do further education as wanted instant cash not smarts!) and it was only 80 quid a week too..that covered my food, bills, everything. I thought it was hugey unfair and I was being ripped off. Until I looked into how much I woud 'save' if I just moved out from under her oppressive ripping off thumb. I got a big shock!

I did get my own place before I was 17 because of other reasons though, massive fallout in short..but I didn't whinge about paying her the pittance anymore, and even (this must be where I matured actually) upped my share without her saying anything, adding 30 quid extra a week..not a huge amount, but it took it to half my wages (at the time)

My kids are 5 and 7 so a while off yet. But oldest stepkid is 17 now. Has experessed interest in living with us. We are paying driving lessons (and probably a car) for him as he is still at college, then planning uni. If he was working, no chance though. Hes also been told once he is earning, if he is with us, hes putting towards everything. For the minute this seems to have made him want to stay with his mother who says he has to pay nothing (for fucks sake, she still runs his baths and stff for him, proper babied) ever..but I suspect he will turn up one day bags in hand.

Happynow001 · 30/05/2020 13:04

I'm afraid st 24yo I'd consider that he should pay for this - and, additionally, he should be making a financial contribution to the household. So definitely YANBU OP

Whether he thinks you can afford to subsidise his driving lessons or not is not the point. The point is he is an adult and should accept certain responsibilities and financial responsibility is one of those.

Whether or not you want to (discreetly) save his "rent" and give it back to him as a decent rental deposit when he leaves is irreverent here. The fact is he is behaving in an immature and entitled fashion and needs to be shown he needs to learn that things you want need to be earned and paid for. If not he will be in for a shock when he does, finally, launch and sees what basic living actually costs - including the things he takes for granted with his parents at home.

I hope you are able to have a constructive conversation with him OP. Don't, please, back down - you are in the right here. Good luck! 🌹

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 13:04

@SuperficialSuzie

What were we hoping to achieve by him not contributing to household costs?

I suppose a life that was different to mine. I had a difficult relationship with my parents, I suppose it would be classed now as neglect, think holes in shoes, one set of school uniform for several years, that kind of thing.
In a lot of ways maybe we’ve overcompensated but I’ve not felt that I’d gone too far until this argument.
On the whole he’s a good DS, was a conscientious student, has always been polite, respectful and kind.

We can afford to run the household without a contribution - would just like him to seize the opportunity to save.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 30/05/2020 13:04

We paid for driving Lessons but they were 17, if you don't want to then yanbu he is 24 he can sort it himself

onalongsabbatical · 30/05/2020 13:06

Sounds like time home got a bit less comfortable OP.

MadameMeursault · 30/05/2020 13:06

This has been my fear the last couple of years, that even though as parents we want our children to have better lives than us (I had a difficult upbringing) that somehow I’ve gone the other way and created an entitled brat.

I think you may have done this OP. Adults of 24 don’t generally skulk off to their rooms. However, please don’t think you’ve failed, you can still turn this around. When he’s in a more reasonable frame of mind, sit him down for a chat about boundaries - what you will pay for, what he needs to pay for and how much board he will pay. Then stick to those.

Seeingadistance · 30/05/2020 13:09

Maybe at least part of the problem is that he himself doesn’t realise that he is an adult! Has he always lived at home?

AriadnesFilament · 30/05/2020 13:09

At 24 I was married with a mortgage and a job. I had zero expectation that my parents would pay for anything I wanted.

My parents paid for my driving lessons when I was 17 because I was 17 - but even then, if my attitude had been one of expectation, demanding, and being owed them I’d have been told to save for them myself out of the wages from my part time job.

If I’d clicked YANBU any harder I’d have gone through my phone screen.

He needs a swift and hard wake up call. He’s an adult, not a teenager. You need to stop treating him like one, stop letting him behave like one, and stop enabling him.

Littlemissdaredevil · 30/05/2020 13:10

Bloody hell! I paid for my own driving lessons when I was 17 from my earnings from my Saturday job!

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 13:11

What was he doing for the last three years, since graduating and before finding a job? Was he sitting in his bedroom doing nothing?

itsbetterthanabox · 30/05/2020 13:11

Meh, if you can afford it I'd contribute some.
If he's saving his wages in order to move out then driving lessons will really deplete it. They are extremely expensive now.

thatsallineed · 30/05/2020 13:12

If he has a job and is earning money, but is neither paying you board & lodgings nor into savings, what is he doing with it?

BatShite · 30/05/2020 13:13

I know you think you are helping him, but honestly I see this kind of thing as the opposite. He is going to be hugely unprepared for real life. Thats if he ever moves out, which theres a large chance he won't given how cushy things are at home.

This is whats worrying me a bit about DSS. IF he stays with his mother, he is going to remain in a childlike metal state forever, responsibility wise anyway. I find it ridiculous that she will run baths for him, pick up his clothes from random places on the floor..a few weeks back she even was on a night out with friends (rare) and he rang her as she had not left cash for takeaway and he 'didn't know how to work cooker' and she actually left to come back and make his food for fucks sake Hmm He seems to like being basically expected to contribute when he is here (even without cash, hes made to do chores and clean up after himself)..but I don't know which way he will swing, responsibility and paying his way, or having a lifelong lackey who pays for everything so all his cash is his own.

Of course all this said its your choice. And your reasons make sense. I just don't really think, personally, that this helps him in the long term. Unless you are happy for him to never move out I guess.

BatShite · 30/05/2020 13:14

To clarify, I dont mean all kids who don't move out are stuck in a childlike state. I meant stepson particularly, given how he is still treat like a 4 year old I meant. I don't mean all who don't get made to pay their way, or anything. Reading that post back it came across that way.

PurpleTalkingTrees · 30/05/2020 13:14

He’s 24 but he sounds very unappealing, a grown adult still free loading off his parents and whinging when they don’t pay for something that is his responsibility. He’s going to be one of those partners that some poor woman posts about on here in a few years and everyone tells her to ltb because she’s married to a man child.

BackforGood · 30/05/2020 13:16

When each of ours turned 17, their birthday present was a 'Voucher' to cash in whenever they wanted, for 10 driving lessons.

Ours all used their wages from their PT jobs in 6th form, to have lessons - mostly paid for by themselves.

I wouldn't be paying for a working man's lessons (beyond the promise I made for 10 lessons if they'd not cashed it in).
I also have a (just about to turn) 24 yr old who graduated 3 years ago. He has had to pay a contribution to housekeeping since he returned home, even though he is in a not very well paid job. That is the way of the World - you pay your keep first, then 'luxuries' like driving lessons from what you can save after paying your way.

A82971151 · 30/05/2020 13:16

24 and working, then yes absolutely he should be paying. If he was 17 I’d maybe think differently. At 17 I was secretly envious of all my friends with 0-parents who paid for all their driving lessons. I paid for all of mine, the car, the insurance everything!

But yeah at 24 he’s old enough to do pay his way too. What does he spend his earnings on? He needs to be paying you something!

milveycrohn · 30/05/2020 13:18

If he is not contributing to the household financially, I hope he is contributing in other ways; doing his own laundry, etc
Regarding the driving lessons, it depends on how much he is earning. You could compromise and agree to pay for the first 10 lessons. If committed he will learn quickly.