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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for driving lessons

202 replies

Candy150 · 30/05/2020 11:45

DS is sulking as we’ve refused to pay for driving lessons. He’s 24 and has his own job, lives at home. He doesn’t contribute to the household expenses including to food so his wages are all his own.

Admittedly he only started working earlier this year after graduating a few years ago so hasn’t got much savings but AIBU? I feel he should learn to stand on his own feet starting with this. Especially as he’s had what I would say is an easy ride since graduation. He’s very upset and says we can afford it. I’m feeling a bit guilty as he’s now skulked off to his room, would appreciate some views on this. Thanks.

OP posts:
OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 30/05/2020 17:40

🔮 I forsee a thread featuring you DS in about 2 years🔮
Hmmm. There are some letters the OP, the partner actually, keeps getting...
L...Hmmm. T. Oh the last one! B!
LTB!

You really need to get tough with him... Or you WILL ve reading a thread in here once wondering why is that person with someone so spoiled and useless just to realise it's your son they are moaning about.
Plus he will keep coming back home👀 You don't want that....

BackforGood · 30/05/2020 17:47

Bit harsh, the name calling. He is just a product of what he has experienced.
If he didn't go away for University and live with people from all sorts of different backgrounds and with different life experiences, then it really isn't surprising that he assumes everyone's life is like his has been, and like his wealthy friends have experienced.
Just the same as thread after thread on MN, when people assume everyone else's experiences ar, and life is like their own. A LOT of people find it difficult to put themselves in other people's shoes, or even have it cross their minds that other people live a very different existence.

Purpleartichoke · 30/05/2020 17:50

In my country you would be ridiculous, because children learn to drive at 14. They can’t be expected to pay for their own lessons and it’s just something parents cover like food or basic clothing. A 24 year old with a job and no rent can obviously afford his own lessons.

Ninkanink · 30/05/2020 17:52

I agree, no need for the name calling, nastiness and embarrassment/cringing on his behalf - he’s behaving according to how he’s been taught and he can’t help that, just like OP couldn’t help going overboard in striving to give him a better start than she had.

No biggie. It can be fixed; Good luck with it, OP. Stay strong!

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 17:55

@Ninkanink. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sund0wnM00n20 · 30/05/2020 17:59

My parents paid for my driving lessons at 17. One of my parents didn't drive & they believed that it was an opportunity not to be missed.
I didn't buy a car until I was 25

He should pay for his own lessons, car & insurance, congestion charge.
Does he really need a car in London ?

Does he pay any bills like mobile phone, Netflix, gaming ?

HollowTalk · 30/05/2020 18:18

@Purpleartichoke, which country do you live in?

Purpleartichoke · 30/05/2020 21:55

@hollowtalk. The United States. One of the states in the middle. We have virtually no public transit and things are very spread out. I once checked if my DH even could take public transit to work. It was theoretically possible, but it required a 15 minute drive on the highway (so roughly 13 miles away) to the closest stop and then 3 hours on transit. His normal drive is 25 minutes. Without cars, people are basically stranded. There is a service to transport the elderly and disabled for essential trips, but teens are expected to learn to drive ASAP. Dd is 11 and I’m already saving to get her a car.

Chochito · 30/05/2020 22:25

OP's DS is a CF. Can't understand how he thinks it would be acceptable for OP to pay. Asked DP and he agrees!

redwinefine · 30/05/2020 23:20

Stay strong, OP. My parents supported me during uni by not charging me board and when I got a temp job straight after, I didn't have to pay board then either. What I DID have to do was buy and cook my own food (which I did from I was 18), do my own laundry (from 14), housework (clean the WHOLE house), any chores etc and put a third of my wage into a savings account every month. I paid for my own insurance, car, etc while living at home. Your DS has had an easy ride and will huff and puff until he gets his own way...or until you put a stop to it.

BreconBeBuggered · 30/05/2020 23:26

My 17-y-o is considered very lucky by his friends at sixth form college because his parents are paying for his driving lessons. That's all I'll say on the matter.

FooFighter99 · 30/05/2020 23:37

My mum paid for both me and my two brothers to learn to drive, and also bought out first cars (mine cost a whopping £75 🤣) but that’s was because she doesn’t drive and needed a chauffeur (or 3) and my dad passed away when we were young so she needed us to take her shopping and stuff

That being said, lessons were much cheaper when I was 17/18!

My DSD is 20 and if she wants lessons and a car she’ll have to save up and pay for them herself, she’s already living here rent free 😂

Viviennemary · 30/05/2020 23:50

If he pays nothing towards his keep then you are quite generous. If he has a birthday coming up any time soon you could get him lessons for that. I think for his own good he should be contributing even a modest amount towards household expenses.

GreenTulips · 30/05/2020 23:50

OP the thing is my DD tries, she saves and buys her own toiletries nights out food when out etc, and I am happy to sub her because she’s trying.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 31/05/2020 00:20

You have said that at 17, 18, 19 your DS did not learn to drive as he just did not want to. Context is important. When my DD1 was 17 she was desperately sick. She has now just turned 19 and, though much better, she is still not ready for driving lessons. I have said that I shall pay for lessons whenever she is ready. However old she is - so long as I am still breathing and still earning!

But assuming there is no good reason for your DS not to have learned when younger, then you are not unreasonable at all in not stumping up now for lessons.

He does not sound awful though. Just a bit immature. Possibly he is “entitled”. Although we as parents must take some responsibility for those of our children who present so (and I know you do).

There is often a hasty drive on here to condemn a young person over 18 as “entitled” if they are asking anything at all of their parents. It is quite a hard line taken on this forum at times; that I do not see replicated in life.

I do think it is hard for young people today. Their life is likely very much more complicated than ours was at similar age; for reasons largely not of their making. I am absolutely not saying you are being unreasonable OP. But if your DS is an otherwise decent young man, please do not rush to employ harsh comments or sanctions before at least attempting a further exploration of his feelings.

Weenurse · 31/05/2020 01:00

I agree with PP who said ask for board and make it a reasonable amount so that it does impact his socialising.
Put that into an account, but don’t tell him it is for him.
He needs to know what life is like in the real world.
My 24 year old is still studying and working and contributes by cooking and cleaning and doing vet runs with our elderly dog.
23 year old studying and working and volunteering but has asked to stay home longer to save for a house. Also cooks and cleans and as works in a shopping centre, does the shopping as well..

pinksquash13 · 31/05/2020 05:09

I had a mortgage at 24 and was motivated to save for the deposit but it was back when house prices were reasonable compared to salaries. Presumably in London he has no chance of buying alone. Does he have a partner or could he rent with friends. Although I agree that he should be saving, I can understand why young people, in london particularly, would think ' what's the point?'

Ruddle91 · 31/05/2020 05:19

28 here, I would have been laughed out of the room if I asked my parents at 24. I had to work and pay board from 16. Moved out at 19.

PineconeOfDoom · 31/05/2020 05:26

Crikey. I'm an only child, that really isn't an excuse for this mess! My parents payed for driving lessons for my 17th birthday, I didn't get anything else for that birthday. I left home at 18 for uni and didn't ever go back. I had a little bit of help from them (really a little bit) in those early years post graduation. But I bought my own house when I was 24 and was on my own financially from then on. I don't doubt that it's harder now, but not so much that 24-yr-olds need to be entirely dependent on their parents to the extent that they are meeting all of their basic living expenses and paying for driving lessons. The world has gone mad.

Numptywallice · 31/05/2020 06:20

He should pay for his own. At 24 I had a two year old and a new born, a house and all the expenses that go with that. Was married at 25 and paid for that ourselves. If you want to get him some for Christmas or birthday, until then it’s on him.

StoneSourFan · 31/05/2020 07:28

At 24 got a mortgage for a house and paid for my own driving lessons at 19. My mam and dad did give me some money towards a car.
I'm 31 now so it wasn't very long ago.
I also paid my parent board from the age of 18 when I went to university.
Stick to your guns OP otherwise he'll never move out and be a man child. My husband has had a job ever since I met him at 13!

zscaler · 31/05/2020 07:38

YANBU. What is he spending his money on if he’s at home without expenses? Maybe you can afford it but it sounds like he can too. And at 24 he is way too old to be sulking about his parents not footing a bill for him.

He needs to grow up and learn to take some responsibility for himself.

empireants · 31/05/2020 09:22

I worked from 16, bought my first car with my earnings just before 17 and paid for my own driving lessons, passing a month after I turned 17. I lived away from home from 19-22 but moved back in paying a small contribution towards bills and buying my own food so I could save. I bought my first home at 25.

The reason I'm financially independent and driven is because we were not spoilt at all and I know I don't have my parents to fall back on if I was in trouble. I also had a childhood worried about money and I don't want that.

I completely understand why you've wanted to help your son and it's lovely that you care so much and want him to have a different experience of growing up than you did. However, he's an adult now and he really should be paying at least £150 a month towards household costs and obviously for his own driving lessons!

I had a partner who was brilliant in every way except he didn't contribute fairly to household bills so the relationship ended. I think he was like this because he'd lived at home until his mid-20s not contributing.

Meltd0wnMum001 · 01/06/2020 10:09

First part time job at 15
Worked during holidays when I was a student

If he is earning, does he pay any bills at all ?

I understand that you wanted your child to have a better life than what you experienced. But you are not helping him now by not letting him contribute

He should pay for his own lessons & transport at 25

k1233 · 01/06/2020 10:57

I was actually talking about this at lunch today - not this thread but how giving children easier lives means they don't learn resilience. Things don't always go your way, you can't always buy what you want or even afford what your friends can afford. That's life. Learning to deal with disappointment is important.

For your son, as his parent I'd want to know why he can't afford to pay for his own lessons if he has no other costs coming from his full-time wage. I'm another one supporting he pay his way at home and start paying food and board.