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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for driving lessons

202 replies

Candy150 · 30/05/2020 11:45

DS is sulking as we’ve refused to pay for driving lessons. He’s 24 and has his own job, lives at home. He doesn’t contribute to the household expenses including to food so his wages are all his own.

Admittedly he only started working earlier this year after graduating a few years ago so hasn’t got much savings but AIBU? I feel he should learn to stand on his own feet starting with this. Especially as he’s had what I would say is an easy ride since graduation. He’s very upset and says we can afford it. I’m feeling a bit guilty as he’s now skulked off to his room, would appreciate some views on this. Thanks.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 30/05/2020 15:18

Is he an only child OP?

Mammyloveswine · 30/05/2020 15:20

I bought my own house at 26, I moved out at 25 having paid board and lodgings all through uni.

Of course he needs to pay for driving lessons and rent!!

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 15:20

Yes an only child.

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 30/05/2020 15:22

OP, sounds like you had a tough childhood so well done for getting to where you are and obviously wanting to be a much parent than you had yourself.

You are in London? So it would be very easy for him to get a room in a house share with people in their other early 20s. Has he not mentioned wanting to move out? I appreciate the pandemic has got in the way.

It took me about four or five months to find a job when graduating into the financial crisis of 2008 and lived with my parents rent free then and for the first six months while I was on probation in my new role. But it was always very clearly the plan that I would move out into a house share as soon as the job was secure so I was saving hard in the meantime for deposit, first month's rent, fees, new mattress and just to have a bit of a cushion of emergency cash when I first moved out. It was always helpful to know I have a few of months basic living costs saved given the economic situation then was also not great - I was very careful to keep them separate and in an account that was harder to access to avoid temptation

So I don't think it it outrageous that you have not been charging him rent. But it does seem concerning he has been so lax at getting a job and done so much sitting around indoors, presumably on the internet.

Does he have friends? Does he go out and socialise or play sport? (When that was allowed)
Does he talk about what he wants to do in the future or have any sort of plan/dream?

onalongsabbatical · 30/05/2020 15:26

I think the combination of him being an only and you overcompensating has contributed to this, but from what you say about him he's usually pretty nice and responsible, so you've done pretty well!
I think he needs to leave home and might actually have some pretty complicated feelings going on about that that he's not even fully aware of himself. I wouldn't go in too hard - stick to your guns and let him strop - he's overdue some stropping probably, but just sort of shrug it off. Don't get all rational on him - I suspect he's not ready. Just stop being QUITE so nice to him - as if you EXPECT him to want to leave, which surely you do?

amusedbush · 30/05/2020 15:30

When I was 24 I'd moved across the country for a job and got engaged to now-DH. I paid for my own driving lessons and bought myself a car the following year because, y'know, I was 25 years old and a bloody adult.

He's being a brat.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 15:31

He does sound very, very young for his age... With the best of intentions that probably has been caused by never having moved out of the parental home and never having to think about paying his own bills, having everything provided for him.

I think after the dust settles it is time to charge him rent (which he will doubtless tantrum about) and as you say you can afford to support him and want him to have what you never did etc. do that slightly controvertail but fairly common middle class parent thing of saving his rent up for him, and after a year present it to him as a rental deposit... He needs to move out at some point, 25 isn't going to be too young to give him a firm nudge out of the nest!

Ibake · 30/05/2020 15:34

How about sending him this thread to read? It might make your subsequent conversation with him go more smoothly if he realises how unanimous your responses have been?

GreenTulips · 30/05/2020 15:34

We can afford to run the household without a contribution - would just like him to seize the opportunity to save

They he pays you rent and you save it for him

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 15:47

@GrandAltogetherSo

I think children need to experience something of relative hardship to help them thrive in adulthood. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as your own childhood. (Mine was tricky too with an alcoholic father.)

That really resonated with me. I’d always been open with him about my childhood and you’re right. I’d long suspected he couldn’t fully comprehend what I was trying to tell him. Without the lived experience it falls on deaf ears, even if not consciously so.

For other posters, just to address some questions:

He now has a full time job
Reads a fair bit (self-help books quite ironically so maybe the realisation is there)
Goes to the gym in his spare time ( before lockdown)
Doesn’t game in his room (or anywhere else)

OP posts:
rillette · 30/05/2020 15:49

I learned to drive at 24 and paid for lessons myself. My parents offered to pay for them when I was 17, but I had no interest in learning at that point. At 24 I felt very independent and never thought about going back to parents and asking for the money!

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 15:54

Thank you @onalongsabbatical
Things for me to definitely consider in your reply.
Yes we do want him to leave home and have been throwing in comments casually in conversation about when he leaves etc just to get the cogs spinning.

Thank you to all who’ve replied, they’ve all given me a really good sense of experiences of parenting adult dd/ds in the real world.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 30/05/2020 16:01

What the hell is he spending his money on? Confused

Guttersnipe · 30/05/2020 16:11

I have a 24 year old, living at home, only got a job within the last year. For starters, my ds pays a bit towards his keep. Not rent, but money for food and utilities. Your ds should do the same imo.

As for driving lessons, well, we did pay for our ds's lessons but he took them and passed his test before getting the job. If he was only just starting to learn now, it might be a different matter (probably not, in our case, because we had already paid for his brother's lessons, but I see you have not done that for a sibling so there really is no reason you should pay for your ds's).

If I were you, i would stick to my guns. As you are in London, there is no need for him to learn to drive. He can manage on public transport until he feels strongly enough about driving that he can reach into his own pocket.

The only other thought I have is I suppose you could offer him a few lessons as a birthday present.

swampytiggaa · 30/05/2020 16:20

My boychild is 18 at college with a part time job in McDonalds. The deal is that if he pays for driving lessons we will buy him a car and pay for first months insurance. After that it’s down to him.

He was supposed to save some cash whilst furloughed so he can start... no idea if he has.

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 16:22

And yes he has friends, who mostly seem to be working now.
I don’t think that it helped that he socialised a lot with other people whose parents are extremely wealthy ( I can’t even explain the level of wealth) when he was younger. Completely different league to the norm and certainly out of our price bracket. A lot of their parents obviously subsided Everything which he thought/thinks is the norm.

It does seem to be lack of maturity @AllIMissNowIsTheSea
Which we’ve contributed to but hopefully can begin to address.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 16:38

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

This is what annoyed DH, that the other day DS had flippantly mentioned he might buy membership for Soho House. He was reminded that he needed to be saving for his own place instead.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 30/05/2020 16:40

YANBU! If you offered and he gratefully accepted that would be fine. But asking for driving lessons? Absolutely no way. He's 24, earning, graduated - and he actually asked? Sorry OP but I think you need to say no just to teach him a bit of a lesson.

Lavenderpurple · 30/05/2020 16:44

He sounds a bit of a brat. Especially saying you can afford it. So can he.

Lavenderpurple · 30/05/2020 16:46

I paid for my own when I was 17! I used my £4.25 an hour wages to chip away at my lessons.

Ginandbearit1 · 30/05/2020 16:49

At 24 a lot of people are used to having paid rent/mortgages for several years, all the household bills.

YANBU and you are doing him a favour by trying to make him more independent.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2020 17:27

He's being ridiculous. At what point does he think he becomes an adult?

How much money does he have to himself each month?

Nevertouchakoala · 30/05/2020 17:31

Oh I feel so embarrassed for him. I actually cringed.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 30/05/2020 17:35

My 19yo is at uni and paid for his lessons, insurance and half of the car cost (I paid the other 50% of the car) He's started a savings fund (Help to Buy maybe?) to save for a deposit.

Unless there's special circumstances like illness your son is a CF

Nevertouchakoala · 30/05/2020 17:37

You also wiped his bum when his was a kid does he still want you to do that now as you would have done a few years ago!?