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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for driving lessons

202 replies

Candy150 · 30/05/2020 11:45

DS is sulking as we’ve refused to pay for driving lessons. He’s 24 and has his own job, lives at home. He doesn’t contribute to the household expenses including to food so his wages are all his own.

Admittedly he only started working earlier this year after graduating a few years ago so hasn’t got much savings but AIBU? I feel he should learn to stand on his own feet starting with this. Especially as he’s had what I would say is an easy ride since graduation. He’s very upset and says we can afford it. I’m feeling a bit guilty as he’s now skulked off to his room, would appreciate some views on this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 12:27

@dontdisturbmenow

He didn’t learn as didn’t want to the time. We live in London so it’s not difficult to use public transport so there was no urgency.
And no, no other siblings were paid for.

OP posts:
peperethecat · 30/05/2020 12:31

Eh, I don't know. I learnt to drive when I was 18 and I paid for my own lessons. My parents lived (and still live) in a fairly rural area with no decent transport connections, so I really needed to learn to drive. I was studying for 4 A-levels at the time and working one shift a week in the local pub, and essentially just handing my wages straight over to my driving instructor every week. I had no money to buy any clothes, or a drink in the pub, or anything. I felt at the time and still feel that my parents should have helped me a bit. But your son is 24. I think there comes a point when your parents shouldn't really be paying for things anymore. If he's working and living at home then he can afford to pay for his own lessons really.

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 12:31

@dontdisturbmenow

And no he wasn’t penalised because of going to university.

OP posts:
UnderCaffeinated · 30/05/2020 12:32

I paid to learn to drive myself at 19 when I was at uni and have paid all motoring costs since then myself too! Ridiculous to expect to have them paid for at 24, he has a job and no real living costs so he absolutely should pay for it himself.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 30/05/2020 12:34

I bought my ds a block of driving lessons for his 17th, as did his df / other family members. And his gps very generously offered to pay his first year’s insurance as a present when he turned 18. So if he was a teenager I might say you were a bit unreasonable. But not at 24, and certainly not while you’re letting him live rent free.

Seeingadistance · 30/05/2020 12:35

When I was 17 I got three lessons as a birthday present. The rest I paid for myself from my Saturday job.

LellyMcKelly · 30/05/2020 12:38

He’s 24! I paid for my own lessons when I was a 19 year old student. He needs a good boot up the hole. He’s lucky you’re letting him live there for free.

user1487194234 · 30/05/2020 12:39

YANBU
We did pay for our dCS lessons and bought a car for them to share (really so I could have use of my car!)
But that was our choice and they were younger
Did make it easier for them to get about so no need for mum/ dad taxis

Witchlight · 30/05/2020 12:39

So the question I have is what is he doing with his salary. Has he committed to a help to buy ISA, or is frantically saving for a large deposit? Is he planning on doing a masters or doctorate? If so, even at 24 I would help out. If he is going on lots of holidays and nights out - not a chance.

UnderTheBus · 30/05/2020 12:39

If he is working full time he should definitely be paying towards rent and bills. And obviously you shouldnt pay for his driving lessons.

What does he spend his money on? He has no bills, isnt paying for petrol, presumably isn't going out at the moment to spend it on drinks or shopping or experiences. He must be rolling in it.

STAYTHEFUCKHOME · 30/05/2020 12:40

...he’s now skulked off to his room

What, is he a preteen? Jesus. He’s be paying rent and board if you were me. Find out how much a flat share would cost, and let him negotiate with you on how much he should be paying into the family kitty.

Let me guess, he sits in his room gaming all day too?

SuperficialSuzie · 30/05/2020 12:41

DS got driving lessons for his 17th and DD will get the same next year.

DS is now a working adult so I wouldn't expect to pay for his lessons. And he is 22 so pays board and has done since he started work.

What are you hoping to achieve by not making him contribute to your household's living costs?

CarolineForbes · 30/05/2020 12:42

At 18 my mum paid for a double lesson to get me started but after that I paid for my own lessons. Also bought my own car, insurance and all other car expenses like MoT, petrol etc. I got a Saturday job at 16 and saved up. My parents aren’t badly off but they didn’t pay for everything for me either. I think I would have loved to have been bought a block of lessons for my 17th or 18th birthday but at 24 it seems quite cheeky to expect it! I’m a little shocked he’s actually asked you particularly as he’s living at your house like a free hotel!

Elsmum25 · 30/05/2020 12:43

I'm 22 and can't quite believe the cheek of your DS! I paid board at 17, saved and paid for my own lessons, car, insurance etc then went on to buy my own house at 20 (all whilst working as an assistant in an office!)

I would never have dreamed of asking my parents for any of the above as an adult! I do understand the want to give your child what you didn't have however he isn't a child he is 24! I hope that you don't feel guilty about this, he needs to learn the value of things and he can't do this if he doesn't pay for things himself!

rwalker · 30/05/2020 12:44

We bought eldest block of 10 and will do same for youngest when lessons start again but the difference is they both pay board ( going to give it back to them at some point )
I think it's the exception that would annoy me

Original poster
Candy150 · 30/05/2020 12:45

@Witchlight

That’s just it, if we could see that he was frantically trying to save and desperate to leave we would pay, say for example first 15 lessons, just to help out a little. But he’s not, so he needs to grow up. Totally take on board what posters have said about his entitlement and that is what grates.

OP posts:
Megan2018 · 30/05/2020 12:45

WTF?
Sorry @Candy150 but that’s a parenting fail. You let him stay unemployed for years after graduation and now he lives rent free with a job.

I pity the poor woman (or man) he ends up with. Another man child to be released into society, just what we need.

Driving lessons aren’t the only issue here.

AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 30/05/2020 12:47

My dmum classed learning to drive as an essential part of education and growing up, like learning to swim, and so insisted she paid for both my dsis and I to learn to drive, just like she paid for swimming lessons when we were little kids.
I guess it depends on your view of driving and whether you think its important to their lives. Driving lessons are very expensive for a 24yr old who is probably on a starter wage still, and rent paying (or saving for own home). So yes, I think yabu if you can afford it.

dontdisturbmenow · 30/05/2020 12:47

Then indeed, no reasons to pay.

lonelyfemale · 30/05/2020 12:49

Well I got a scooter on finance and drove it off a provisional license with CBT (basic training). It was great! I could park for free virtually every where and even load about a week's food shopping between under seat and the helmet box. I believe this helped prepare me to pass car test because the theory tests are the same. I even rode my tiny 50cc scooter all the way to Southend and back for a day out ...and met up with all the bikers at the front! I have a car and bike licence now but still have fond memories of my little 50c scooter....and employer's are always glad of one less car in their car park!

TimeWastingButFun · 30/05/2020 12:49

I don't think I would ask for rent for my grown up kids when the time comes and I will definitely pay for driving lessons at 17 but if he's 24 and earning then he could pay for driving lessons - you could offer to take him out for driving experience though?

AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 30/05/2020 12:51

But to add - he needs to pay rent. I had to pay 25% of my income as soon as I left full time education and was living at home.

copycopypaste · 30/05/2020 12:51

Yanbu I think he should also be paying you something towards his board and food etc.

BatShite · 30/05/2020 12:53

YANBU.

I this situation after strops or whatever, I would agree to pay for them, but also set down board and food etc payments, I suspect it would sharp turn out the whinging about driving lessos would stop, as cost of living far outstrips the cost of a few lessons out of his own pocket.

Badassmama · 30/05/2020 12:54

Wow. He needs to move out.