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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 26/05/2020 09:47

I’d be reeling him that the money is to be back in the bank within a week or the marriage would be over.

And then I’d probs mpg leave him anyway.

You can’t have a functional marriage on those terms.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 26/05/2020 09:48

So he’s technically stolen £15k and given it to her? Was it from a joint account?
I’d be LIVID raging.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/05/2020 09:48

*telling

Honeybee85 · 26/05/2020 09:48

YANBU at all.

It's family money, he should have discussed it with you first. Very disrespectful of him, does he treat you as not important in other ways as well?

I would be livid and no longer be putting my savings in a joint account if he treated our mutual savings like this.

Chandler12 · 26/05/2020 09:48

You absolutely are not being unreasonable. With joint finances comes joint decisions. If you have contributed equally he has effectively “stolen” 7,500 from you. If she’s due for such a windfall in properly sale get her to confirm the replacement will be made upon completion of sale - keep everything via text/email and save copies) and when you’re paid back considering putting your part of savings into an account in your own name.

I’d be pissed off too!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 26/05/2020 09:50

That the sort of decision that should be made together!

endofthelinefinally · 26/05/2020 09:50

Yanbu.
Your dh should not be giving away your joint savings without discussing it with you.
That said, if a family member needed anything I would do wharever I could to help, but not behind dh's back.

RainbowFlowers · 26/05/2020 09:50

The fact that he's not discussed it with you is awful. Even if it was £10 he has no right to take joint money without you both agreeing on it. It's almost irrelevant what it is for.

HasaDigaEebowai · 26/05/2020 09:50

It would be a major issue for me (all our finances are joint). I would be saying that the money had to come back immediately.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 26/05/2020 09:50

Do you mean she's trying to sell her house for £400k more than its worth?? Or is her house actually worth that?

BuffaloCauliflower · 26/05/2020 09:51

He has stolen money from your family, seemingly with no need if her house is selling for that much. I’d also be demanding it back in no uncertain terms

FloggingMoll · 26/05/2020 09:51

I do understand his desire to want to help his sister but if that was my DP and our savings, I honestly don't think our relationship would recover from it. I can't abide deceit, and to have found out accidentally would put the tin lid on it.

FiveShelties · 26/05/2020 09:51

I would be really angry - to say the least.

Is this a loan to be repaid on the sale of her property?

dontdisturbmenow · 26/05/2020 09:51

Surely shell repay it from the proceeds of the sale of the joint house?

However, he should indeed have told you. Saying that would you have agreed? How come you didn't know, do you have seperate accounts?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/05/2020 09:52

Take a deep breath and ask him to sit down and talk it through.

Details... and what the repayment schedule is; does he get repaid when her hosue sells; does he have a lien on the house etc.

And of he says none of the above tear a fucking great strip off him!

If he tries to justify why "Man of the house" gets to decide, and if you have kids, tell him he has just given away their security as well as your trust! Don't hold back!

And then change ALL savings accounts to joint, needing both of you to agree to release any money. Lock it all down.

Personally I'd bloody kill him! That would leave me feeling furious and utterly powerless! How the hel you process that I don't know.

The very best of luck with it! Flowers

SudokuBook · 26/05/2020 09:52

YANBU, that’s outrageous

acquiescence · 26/05/2020 09:52

Is he lending to her so she can buy a new property before the sale of the other has gone through? That is quite a different circumstance if so, she would surely be able to pay it back when the sale goes through?

If not, why does she need a deposit when she is going to be getting the best part of £300k from her house sale?

Either way, yes, he should have discussed it with you.

RandomLondoner · 26/05/2020 09:52

He is being outrageous.

Having said that, why does she need 15K, if presumably she's getting 300K from the old house? Isn't this just a cashflow thing meaning she will be able to repay within months when the house is sold and divorce finalised?

Not that it would make him right, but there's a difference between 15K probably gone forever and 15K almost certainly repaid within a year.

Quartz2208 · 26/05/2020 09:53

I would be demanding it back - or at least you share. I have to say I am not sure I could forgive for this

CallmeAngelina · 26/05/2020 09:53

I would be incandescent with rage that he thought he could take £15K from OUR family's money without consultation with me.

That said, I presume the "loan" will be repaid if/when the sale goes through?? So she won't be attempting to repay it at a fiver a week from her wages?

ChipotleBlessing · 26/05/2020 09:54

I don’t understand. Why does she need the money for a deposit if she has all that equity in the house? Is she buying a new house before the old house sells and this is only a very temporary loan? I’d still be cross, but that’s more understandable.

66redballons · 26/05/2020 09:54

Surely she will pay back once her house has sold??
I’d be ensuring this fact is made very clear. NOW.
YANBU to be very angry at not being consulted.
Talk to her, get it in writing. I’m serious as ... oh I can’t compare Grin I’m just serious. The money is a loan pay it back from house sale.

TheTrollFairy · 26/05/2020 09:54

I would be really pissed off, not so much the money but the lack of speaking to you about it

DingDongDenny · 26/05/2020 09:55

So he gets to play the big man, with the money that you both earned

And it's hardly as if she is on her uppers.

As a matter of interest, is your house as nice as the one she is buying and is she a bit of a princess?

AdaColeman · 26/05/2020 09:55

She will be able to pay you back as soon as her house is sold.

I’d be angry if I were you, major decisions like this should be agreed between you & your husband.