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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 26/05/2020 10:18

I think it depends a bit on:

How much money you have in your savings altogether (if this is half of your savings, or less than half, then it could be argued that it is "his half").

At what stage dsis' house sale is - is it under offer, or only just on the market?

If there is a reason DSis needs to move before the sale goes through..

Whether he has actually handed over the money yet, or just agreed that he would - if she asked and he said yes, but hasn't actually done it yet then there is every chance it wasn't going to be sneaky and he was going to discuss it with you before it happened.

Whether DSis has a reputation for borrowing money and not paying it back.

I mean there are so many scenarios and your dh's unreasonableness varies depending on the scenario. I do agree that it would have been better had he discussed it all with you though.

1forsorrow · 26/05/2020 10:19

How much is left in the savings account? If there is more than £15k I'd take the £15k and half of the rest then I'd tell husband that money will be kept separate in future.

ButtonMoonLoon · 26/05/2020 10:20

I’d reply on the family WhatsApp stating that you had no idea and that it was to be paid back immediately as you had plans for it.
Then I’d transfer exactly half of the family savings into an account in your own name.

TinkerPony · 26/05/2020 10:20

Plus another 7,500 from the loan/gift he gave away. Horrified if he sign it away as a gift the poster above mention.

StatementKnickers · 26/05/2020 10:21

Please tell us the savings account is in both of your names, OP...?

AuntyRigsby · 26/05/2020 10:21

Agree with OakMaiden - insufficient data.

Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 10:22

That is horrendous behaviour on his part. I’d be absolutely livid.

I’d go one better than BIWI and transfer 15 grand in lieu of the 15 grand potentially lost, plus an extra 15 grand as insurance against further misuse by your DH.

If he dared to complain I’d be packing his or my bags.

I future I suggest that savings are kept strictly 50/50 in each of your names. I’d never be able to trust him again.

Middersweekly · 26/05/2020 10:24

It might be that SIL needed the money upfront for a new build house/ house in general, but when the proceeds of the house sale come through she’ll pay it back. Either way your DH should have asked you about lending it before handing it over because as you say you may need it over the coming months for household expenses. It’s also half your money so to not ask you is extremely undermining! I wouldn’t be happy about it either tbh.

overnightangel · 26/05/2020 10:24

“YABU to be against it and so angry about the loan itself,“

Are you serious @PlanDeRaccordement?!

Sally872 · 26/05/2020 10:24

If DH had spoken to me I would have helped as long as it was a loan and we could afford it.

As he didnt discuss it I would be very upset, yanbu. Either he doesn't care what you think or knew you would say no but did it anyway.

ineedaholidaynow · 26/05/2020 10:24

I was going to say what @DollyPomPoms said, if a mortgage is involved then your DH will have to confirm this is a gift not a loan.

DaphneduM · 26/05/2020 10:25

I'd be incandescent with rage. Do you still have a good cushion left, or has it pretty much wiped them out? Of course he should have discussed it with you, it's a massive breach of trust. If I were you in this situation I would definitely be opening my own savings account. You know exactly where you stand that way. We have a good marriage and trust each other, but having had an ex who was hopeless with money, it cast a long shadow. My husband completely understands why I prefer to keep our savings separate - we always juggle big expenditure and it works out roughly even in the longrun. That works for us! I would be sitting down with him and having a very in depth conversation about how betrayed you feel. Completely unacceptable of him to do this.

twilightermummy · 26/05/2020 10:26

Will she be returning this to him after her house has sold? Did he just lend it to her to get her out of her current situation?

MinnieMountain · 26/05/2020 10:26

Clearly SIL's current house is a big one but she's downsizing to a normal for the area size/value one.

How does your DH feel it's ok to loan your money without asking first?

CallmeAngelina · 26/05/2020 10:26

This is why i'd never have a joint account with my spouse...

Why? Do they have form for deceit?

My husband and I have had joint accounts for 25 years. Much of the inheritance he received from his mother is in my name (for reasons). It is absolutely no issue or problem whatsoever because we are both honest and respectful of each other's rights.

LillianBland · 26/05/2020 10:28

Do you work? Did you jointly save towards this pot of savings ?

Whether the OP works or not, has nothing to do with it. She could be at hone raising THEIR children, so has sacrificed a career whereas he’s continued progressing. She could be ill/disabled, so are you seriously going to judge her on that? It’s family money and would be evenly split if the they were getting divorced. He has been bloody sneaky about it, because he knew you would say know. It’s the deception that would upset me the most.

It’s not your sil’s fault as she obviously thought you had both discussed it and came to an agreement, otherwise she wouldn’t have mentioned it.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 26/05/2020 10:28

Withdraw half the previous total balance and put it in a separate account in your name. That way it’s his money he’s lending her, not yours. Tell him that’s because you obviously can’t trust him at the present time.

Then I’d be reading him the riot act about issues of trust and communication between you and the fact his first responsibility is to his family, not his sister, and never more so than in times of financial difficulty.

I’d be very cross.

LEELULUMPKIN · 26/05/2020 10:29

DH and I have separate finances however we always tell each other if and when we help family members out, even if it is just £20, no secrets about money whatsoever.

£15K of Joint savings and I would be beyond furious. It's just not on

Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 10:29

It doesn’t matter what the particulars of the agreement were (although obviously some will potentially be much worse and therefore more anger-inducing than others), it’s the principle that counts here.

It is just as much OP’s money and just as much her decision, and he absolutely should not have made that decision without discussing it with her and getting her agreement. That’s a huge amount of money and OP is well within her rights to be angry about it!

SleepingStandingUp · 26/05/2020 10:31

Clearly Yanbu but won't she pay you back with the equity from the house. Does she have firm to make you think she'll take the 15k plus 200k+ from her home and not pay you back

Friendsofmine · 26/05/2020 10:31

Having thought about it more, what would you have said if he'd asked for your thoughts on lending 15k to be repaid at the point of sale?

Do you generally communicate well over money? Is this part of a bigger issue?

2007Millie · 26/05/2020 10:32

I would've been more than happy to help family out but absolutely disgusted at DH not discussing it. Shocked. What else is he not saying

Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 10:32

And it makes NO DIFFERENCE whatsoever whether OP has personally earned that money or not, or what the percentage of earnings/savings from each of them are. That money is family money belonging equally to them both and he is not the boss of OP nor the boss of their money.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 26/05/2020 10:33

I would reply saying that I did not agree to this, cannot afford to be without that money and can it be repaid and seeing a solicitor.

Fuck the fall out.

And in the event of divorce I would be asking the solicitor whether that £15k could be seen as marital assets since it was taken from your (joint) account without your knowledge or permission.

The bastard Angry

JazzyTheDog · 26/05/2020 10:34

He has NO RIGHT to take that much joint family money and loan it without discussing it, I’d be furious.