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Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 26/05/2020 10:34

screenshot of whatsapp message as it proves it was a loan not a gift in case things get sticky

CoronaMoaner · 26/05/2020 10:35

Wow is he serious? He doesn’t know why you would be upset about that? Is he a moron?
YANBU that should have been a joint decision. Sounds like he knows you would have objected so went ahead and did it anyway.

ChicCroissant · 26/05/2020 10:35

I assumed that the SIL had a large house worth £600K and that had been mentioned because the SIL is now looking at smaller houses worth £150K, not that the house up for sale is overpriced - more that the SIL will be able to buy the next house easily but has borrowed a 10% deposit off the OP.

I would not be happy if my DH took decisions on his own with the savings (and definitely not if he handed them over!). I would clarify the repayment terms urgently and ask your DH what he is going to say it is (gift or claim a proportion of the house) on the conveyancing forms. Because it will come up.

IloveParmaViolets · 26/05/2020 10:35

Move any remaining money into premium bonds or a long notice deposit account in your name.

eurochick · 26/05/2020 10:35

I've read the OP as saying the family home was quite a sizeable property which is why it is selling for 600k when the average house in the area goes for 200k. So she will be able to get something decent with her split of the equity.

7yo7yo · 26/05/2020 10:36

Move the rest of the money out of the account ASAP.

Devlesko · 26/05/2020 10:37

I'm afraid that to me is as bad as cheating, it would be over.
If this is what he's like with money who else has he been giving your money to, how much and for how long.
Get your half of the savings back and don't trust him with money. You will need to manage the finances (all of them) if you want to stay together after this deceit.

Lynda07 · 26/05/2020 10:37

What sort of place is she going to find for £150k? A one bed flat or studio?

Your husband shouldn't have lent her money out of your savings without asking you first, that's outrageous. However she may have had cash flow problems and will pay you back promptly.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 26/05/2020 10:39

"So he’s technically stolen £15k and given it to her?"
No. If he has access to their savings account, then he hasn't stolen anything. It is just as the OP has stated, he has loaned it to his DSis without her permission. A judge would not seem he had stolen the money. Get a grip.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 26/05/2020 10:39

I'd be having a broke my trust, my money, theft discussion with him and yes I'd be replying on the group app that I knew nothing of my joint savings being removed without consent from my account and that he hadn't consulted me or asked me. If fact if I had a conversation with him, and he didn't backtrack and apologise etc I would be considering divorce -I'd also be removing any money left in joint account out.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 26/05/2020 10:40

I'd definitely be transferring the rest to an account in my name only. And I wouldn't tell him until after the fact. I'd find this very hard to forgive

Giespeace · 26/05/2020 10:41

I adore my brother and would do just about anything to help him if he needed it. Even I would draw the line at giving him joint savings without the full knowledge and consent of my husband (movie worthy last minute scenarios of life and imminent death excepted).
It shows a lack of respect and trustworthiness that many people would find very hard to forgive.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 26/05/2020 10:41

So he hasnt given it away then from your opening post. He has lent it to his sister.

Yes I would be fuming that I wasnt consulted, and be making sure from them both what the repayment arrangement was. No need to make things sound worse than they are. Unless he has told you "yes it's hers, we wont be seeing that money again"

Judiwench · 26/05/2020 10:42

Wow.

GabriellaMontez · 26/05/2020 10:43

It's a real breach of trust and its worrying that he cant see that.

Does he have form for this sort of thing?

Are the accounts in joint names?

Shoxfordian · 26/05/2020 10:44

It's pretty outrageous for him to not even discuss this with you first. I don't know if I would stay married to someone who did this to me

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2020 10:44

I don’t understand why she can’t pay it back if she’s selling her current house for 600k and it’s mortgage free? Surely she will have the money from her share of rhe equity on the sale.so as much as your husband should have mentioned it surely he’s just loaned her for a short period till the house sells?

Eckhart · 26/05/2020 10:44

Your savings are in an account with someone who doesn't feel the need to consult you about how to use them.

Remove what's yours. Explain to him calmly that he's broken your trust. If he doesn't understand this, reconsider your relationship.

I expect that if he'd had a chat with you first, you may have agreed to lend the money. I assume that it was the not being consulted bit that's bothered you. It is a major concern in a relationship, that.

peperethecat · 26/05/2020 10:45

So he hasnt given it away then from your opening post. He has lent it to his sister.

As a PP pointed out, his sister's mortgage lender may require written proof from your husband that it was a gift and not a loan. If he provides a letter to that effect and she doesn't pay it back, there's absolutely nothing he can do to recover the money if she doesn't repay it.

IndieTara · 26/05/2020 10:45

Def move the equivalent if you have it to an account in your sole name

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 26/05/2020 10:46

I would definitely not be pleased if my DH made a large loan to anyone without us discussing and agreeing it. How is the rest of your marriage generally OP? Do you normally talk about things together or is this behaviour par for the course?

If I was you I would tell him that I want to see the money is back in our account within the next 2 days if he wishes to be in any sort of partnership with me. If it didn't happen I would leave him. I couldn't live with someone who made unilateral decisions that affect us both.

ThePianist38 · 26/05/2020 10:47

Your DH should have have def spoken to you before lending her the money , but given SIL is a decent human being you’ll get it back as soon as she sells the house.

DollyPomPoms

You need to be so careful with this. If she is buying a new property with a mortgage your DH will have to confirm in writing that the loan is actually a gift - not necessarily, he can say it was a loan until her house is sold

DarkDarkNight · 26/05/2020 10:48

I would be beyond angry that he didn’t discuss it with me, but to say you have no idea how she will pay it back because she only works 16 hours is a bit dramatic. She can pay it back when her house sells with a virtually mortgage-free 600k house split between her and her ex.

I think it was nice of your husband to lend the deposit, but it should have been discussed properly.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 26/05/2020 10:50

"Even if it was £10 he has no right to take joint money without you both agreeing on it."
What? I disagree with him loaning £15k to his DSis without our agreeing it but I definitely couldn't be doing with having agreements about a tenner.

Grobagsforever · 26/05/2020 10:50

I'd be absolutely livid. Can you empty the savings account to stop him doing it again?

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