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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
karalou2 · 28/05/2020 03:58

First of all, if she's quoted the amount he lent her, I doubt she sent the message in error. She wants you to know and without knowing any of you, I'd say there's a fair chance she also wants you to know she's more important than you are.
I seriously doubt she's going to get more than half of the sale of the house, or that in this financial climate, it'll sell for what she says it's worth. It could be years before that money is repaid.
I think you need to take the bull by the horns and tell him you're taking a down payment of £15,000 now, you're leaving asap and you'll get the rest of your 50% share when the legalities are finalised.
You are worth more than this bullying control freak so please, walk away now with your dignity intact and never let a man treat you this way again.
Get out now, forget him and rebuild your life. If you have children, I hope they support you 100%. Good luck...

Insanelysilver · 28/05/2020 07:07

That’s paramount to theft if you’re OH took your joint savings and gave it to your SIL without your permission or even you knowledge!
Sorry she’s going through a tough time but I’d be telling my OH to get a place with her because he’s literally just robbed you.

MissBehaviour1 · 28/05/2020 07:17

He can give her his half

trudi33 · 28/05/2020 08:04

I do not know the nature of his relationship with you. His only excuse is if he is actually quite scared of you , finds it hard to get his way, and at the same time really loves his sister.

Localocal · 28/05/2020 08:12

He should certainly have discussed it with you, but I think saying he has "given" your savings away is misleading. You say in your post that he has "loaned" his sister the money, not given. If she and her ex are selling a 600k home which is nearly paid for, she will presumably be getting 200 - 300k from the sale with which to buy a house, including paying back your money. It doesn't sound to me like too big a deal, tbh. He shouldn't ha 've done it without telling you, but maybe that's because he knew you would see his short term loan as "giving away" your savings.

Aglet · 28/05/2020 09:04

That is absolutely outrageous. How you haven't taken a lump hammer to him I don't know. I feel really upset for you.

medusawashere · 28/05/2020 09:22

Absolutely outrageous. Oh wow, I'd be absolutely fuming. I mean, if you've got a million quid in the account, lending £15K is less of a big deal than if you have £30K in it. Even so...that's YOUR money too.

Not only are you married (and the account is also in your name), you've actually contributed to the funds in it! No way should he be giving away your money without asking you first. Yes, I've used "giving away" instead of "lending" because there are no guarantees in life.

Security and honesty are really important to me and I'd be considering the future of the marriage after something like this.

Hope you're OK OP and it would be great to hear back from you soon. Hopefully we haven't heard from you because you're busy sorting this out and showing DH what's what.

Petlover9 · 28/05/2020 11:06

@Realistica11y The reason I suggested what I did was because several years ago my cousin loaned our uncle and his wife £10,000 towards a deposit. Very tragically my uncle was killed on the railway and the money was obviously not mentioned for nearly a year until his wife received some compensation. My cousin tactfully asked for her money back (it was nearly all she had at the time that she loaned it) but the wife said "you can't ask for that back, it was a gift". She had to take her to Court to get her money plus costs. She had a letter from our Uncle thanking her and saying that he would repay her as soon as the endowment policy that he had had for 25 years matured in 18 months time. It caused a family rift which is sad. There was no need for you to be so NASTY; to some people £15,000 is a lot of money and unexpected things happen. My uncle went to work one day and was killed, nobody could have known, nobody knows when tragedy will strike No one in the family thought my uncles new wife would try to avoid paying the loan. She literally got thousands in compensation and the Endowment Policy which paid out on his death. I was just saying to OP it would be best to get something in writing, 97% of people on here think OP's husband was wrong to just loan it anyway.

My pets are fine

Ferret27 · 28/05/2020 11:39

Ideally he should have felt he could talk to you about it ... I wonder if this says as much about you as it does about him .... some melodramatic responses on here... I would look at the plus sides here ... He cares about all his family and is trying to support them ... his sister no doubt would reciprocate if the shoe were on the other foot...
Would you have said no?
Do you still have some savings ? Your money is loaned not lost.
When the house sells or in fact if she gets to use the deposit to buy in this current climate ... like everyone says ..no one knows ...
if you want to use this against them then that’s your choice, yes you should say it’s a lot of money to not talk to me first about... but unless you have other issues in your relationship ...don’t blow this up unless you can deal with all the potentially bad outcomes that follow...

Mumgonenuts2020 · 28/05/2020 12:41

It sounds like a weird relationship to me with his sister.. tbh you would think being a grown up, they could have met to discuss the situation as the three of you, I think it is naughty that he is keeping secrets from you and he has just transferred the money.. I would be more pissed off how he thinks you are being unreasonable and as previous comments, is this all the time, has he helped her out in the last? Or would this the final straw For you so to speak? Xx

Luddite26 · 28/05/2020 13:25

AIBU to wonder why the OP now thinks it's ok not to reply to people's contributions to her post.
If you have another £15000 in joint savings take it out and have your own savings.

Oakmaiden · 28/05/2020 14:21

AIBU to wonder why the OP now thinks it's ok not to reply to people's contributions to her post.

I guess life happens. It is irritating when an OP plops and runs, but there could be all sorts of reasons.

Tootsie321 · 28/05/2020 15:54

NC for this as could be outing.
I have loaned my daughter’s partner a significant amount of money, without telling dh. He had got himself in debt and the interest he was paying was ridiculous. The amount he was paying each month in interest, meant it would have taken over 10 years for him to pay the loan off. However, by paying me back the same every month, he could clear his debt in just over 3 years. I know my dh would be livid, but it is my money, in the form of my hard earned savings, which he doesn’t know about (because he is shit with money). However, I did make a loan agreement, which daughter’s dp signed, to give me some protection. My reasoning was that there was no point in having money in the bank earning less than 1%, while he was paying over 30% interest! Maybe your dh thought along the same lines as I did?

Esspee · 28/05/2020 16:21

So was this a genuine post or not?

LadyEloise · 28/05/2020 19:20

I wonder too Esspee

MummyMayo1988 · 28/05/2020 19:33

YANBU - I'd be soo disappointed. The fact that he didnt discuss it with you shows he knows he was in the wrong.

Fudgemonkeys · 28/05/2020 19:47

YANBU my husband and I dont spend any money - it's all joint - without both agreeing, including small items like a kettle Grin

Brockaslass · 28/05/2020 22:02

Totally feel for you. I have similar in laws. We planned a trip away in a cottage in the Lake District for our honeymoon. PIL offered to pay for it, I refused knowing how controlling they could be and booked it myself. The cottage was a group of three on a farm. When we turned up we went to the farm house to acquire the keys only to be told the lady in the other cottage had already collected them. We thought at first there and been a mix up, until we went over and it was MIL, FIL and BIL and. His Girlfriend and their 17 year old teenage son. They had hired the other two bed cottage for the two adult couples and had set the 17 year old up in our cottage telling the owner we were together as a family. I wasn't amused at all we weren't rich and we had spent a fortune on our honeymoon just to have some time together. I pointed out to owner that I'd only booked in as a couple therefore could he please ensure the 17 year old was not in the cottage when we returned from shopping for supplies. Thankfully my DH stood by me. It caused a massive row and to this day we don't speak. They ended up having to go home as the third cottage was booked and the owner was quite narked at them for trying to pull it off as 17 year old wasn't even booked in and wouldn't let the 17 year old sleep on the sofa due to insurance. Don't think they ever got a refund either. I was called all sorts of names for ruining their holiday but even DH said it was the lowest of the low. They knew we wanted our honeymoon to be just us two. Then expected us to house and live with a moody teenager who lives like a slob. They had only beat us to the cottage by 25 minutes and the owner told us their cleaner had to clean up the mess he had made, change bedding, clean larger he had spilt, renew towels and mop up water fr around the property and change the hot tub water again. Because it looked like he had done something disgusting in it a she ahs rushed straight into it. I did advise the owner to bill them but do t know if he ever did. Some people just have no morals.

Bl3ss3dm0m · 28/05/2020 23:08

OP, unless you have come down with Covid19, or something similar, you are being very rude not to come back with even a "thanks" to everyone for letting you know your reaction is not unreasonable. It certainly makes me feel that the whole thing was an attention seeking hoax, and believe it or not, some of us get genuinely upset by some topics, and do not need our adrenaline, cortisol etc to leap for a stupid hoax. There is still time to save face, and not have to name change again, if you come back now!

Parky04 · 28/05/2020 23:15

Dealbreaker for me. My BIL is severly in debt and if DW gave/lent him money from our savings without telling me then I would end the marriage.

FelicisNox · 29/05/2020 06:33

Wow. YANBU at all.

This is about basic respect: it's not HIS money to lend, its (both) of yours and the fact that he didn't think he needed to consult you is a massive red flag and I would be telling him so.

How would he feel if you did this?

Get the details in terms of repayment and then once you've calmed down, talk to the sister. Say you appreciate she's on hard times and you have every faith that she WILL (look her in the eye) pay you both back but it has come as a massive shock as he didn't discuss it will you 1st.

I'm a bit confused though as to why she needs it if she's selling her house for £600,000. That is a lot of money anywhere you live in the country bar London?

Petlover9 · 29/05/2020 10:53

@Bl3ss3dm0m. Totally agree with you, I was thinking the same

LadyEloise · 29/05/2020 18:06

Petlover9
I agree also, but it could be a lazy journalist who sets up a story and posters post and voila - a story for the newspaper.
You just feel foolish - giving well intentioned advice but the poster never comes back.
I've got better at spotting them though.

rattusrattus20 · 29/05/2020 18:12

it's beyond outrageous, YABU.

Realistica11y · 29/05/2020 18:40

@Insanelysilver

That’s paramount to theft if you’re OH took your joint savings and gave it to your SIL without your permission or even you knowledge! Sorry she’s going through a tough time but I’d be telling my OH to get a place with her because he’s literally just robbed you.
Perhaps you mean “tantamount”, rather than “paramount” ? 😀