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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 26/05/2020 09:55

I'd be furious.

RandomMess · 26/05/2020 09:55

What if it takes years to sell the marital home...

I don't understand why she needs a deposit????

I really hope he has a contract in writing!

Qgardens · 26/05/2020 09:56

It sounds as if it's just a cash flow issue and she'll pay him back when the house sells. That's no big deal - but he should have run it by you first.

Friendsofmine · 26/05/2020 09:57

I think it is a lovely thing to do if you can afford it IF both parties are in agreement having discussed it obviously!

Unilateral decision is a big no no!

KatherineJaneway · 26/05/2020 09:58

He din't discuss it with you as he knew you'd refuse so he did it anyway without telling you. I'd be exceptionally angry at him.

Claudia1987 · 26/05/2020 10:00

Do you work? Did you jointly save towards this pot of savings ? If so, then yes I think it's a bit crap.

Spacepocket · 26/05/2020 10:01

She will clearly be in a position to pay it back as soon as her house sells and presumably those are the terms that he agreed with her?
But that aside, if this was a joint account, you have serious conversations to have about financial management. YANBU to be pissed off.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/05/2020 10:01

Yes Claudia. From the OP

but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/05/2020 10:01

YANBU
To expect your DH to have told you about this and to be upset about him not telling you.

But, YABU to be against it and so angry about the loan itself,
Your DH has not “given away” any money at all and this is his sister who is in a time of need. Imagine being in her shoes.

It is only a loan so she can buy the new house before the sale of her house goes through. The fact that house will sell for over £500k and is “virtually mortgage free” means she will be able to pay back the £15k easily and soon.

Also, you do not mention how much of joint savings this is? I’d probably think YANBU if it is the entire savings. But if it’s only a third or a half, I’d still say YABU.

Perhaps he did not tell you because he knew your reaction would be to be “beyond angry” and you’d browbeat him into not loaning the money?

Getoutofbed25 · 26/05/2020 10:02

Whatsapp group set up for the 3 of you, I’d explain that you weren’t aware he had given her joint savings and you need to know what the repayment terms are? I’d say as I’m unaware of the agreement to provide clarification you anticipate the funds will be repaid with the sale of her property and you like to ensure legally this is accounted for with her property solicitor.

I would also withdraw ALL joint savings and put them in my name only. If you have more savings the first £15k are yours!

NoParticularPattern · 26/05/2020 10:03

I’d be furious. I mean fair play if those were his savings that he’d had since before you were together, but when they are jointly accrued that’s not on. I’d be seriously considering leaving him over this, dependent on whether he put the money back immediately or not. If he’d discussed it prior then maybe. Maybe. But otherwise no.

TorkTorkBam · 26/05/2020 10:03

How soon will the house sell? Is this a case of wait 3 months and the money will definitely be returned?

Herpesfreesince03 · 26/05/2020 10:04

I’d be removing half of whatever’s left of the savings, plus the 15k he’s taken out and putting it into my own account

IdblowJonSnow · 26/05/2020 10:04

RIP him a new one op.
The fact that you have to ask is concerning. Sounds like you dont know what the acceptable boundaries are.
Is that all of your savings gone?

ScarfLadysBag · 26/05/2020 10:05

I have questions!

  1. Are you saying she's trying to sell a 200k house for 600k?!

  2. If it's a loan, presumably she will pay it back out of the massive amount of equity she will get from the sale? I guess she is buying somewhere else to live pending the sale?

If 2) then I still think it obviously should have been discussed with you as it was shared money presumably, but we would happily lend DH's sister money knowing we would get it back. It was shitty not to discuss it though.

RandomLondoner · 26/05/2020 10:05

Maybe this is an example of why joint money can be a bad idea. If he'd used 15K of his own money that might have been reasonable. I can't imagine not having discretion over "my" savings in a situation like this.

peperethecat · 26/05/2020 10:09

WTAF. Literally no way in hell would either I or DH do this without the other's prior agreement.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 26/05/2020 10:09

This is why i'd never have a joint account with my spouse...

PunishmentSnart · 26/05/2020 10:10

I agree with others above - he isn’t ‘giving’ away your savings, if you contributed towards them he’s effectively stole them.
But, we also need more info, is it a loan before she sells or has he funded the deposit fully?

Bleepbloopblarp · 26/05/2020 10:11

Is she paying it back when the house sells?

Pacmanitee · 26/05/2020 10:11

I would be so angry if he hadn't discussed it with me. YANBU, what a weasel.

FOJN · 26/05/2020 10:14

I'm not sure I'd open dialogue with your SIL about the loan, your issue is with your husband. Loaning the money without your consultation would be bad enough but I have a bigger issue with him telling you your reaction is unreasonable. He's acted as if your opinion doesn't matter and then actually told you your opinion is wrong and so doesn't matter.

Is it part of a pattern? I'm not sure I could tolerate such disregard.

Getting the money back is obviously important so you need to find out what the terms of the loan are.

DollyPomPoms · 26/05/2020 10:16

You need to be so careful with this. If she is buying a new property with a mortgage your DH will have to confirm in writing that the loan is actually a gift and not to be repaid. If SIL doesn’t pay up, regardless of any texts between you setting out repayments etc, you will be scuppered because he had confirmed in writing to a legal body that it is a gift.

TinkerPony · 26/05/2020 10:16

What different about sil house to be getting offers of £600,000 when the average is £200,000. How did the value shoot up to 400,00 more. Mind boggles Hmm
If there any more savings left move your share pronto.

BIWI · 26/05/2020 10:16

I agree with @Herpesfreesince03. Open your own savings account and transfer £15K from the joint account into that.

I'd be livid if DH did this. Although I think it's a lovely gesture to want to help her out, he shouldn't have done this without first talking to you about it.

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