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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 26/05/2020 12:19

I’d be pissed off. Your DH should of discussed with you. I’m sure he would have something to say if you loaned the money to a member of your family.

Won’t you get the money back when SIL and her ex sell the family home?

fuckinghellthisshit · 26/05/2020 12:27

Unless you are multi millionaires for whom £15K is pocket change he has behaved disgracefully. Thank god you saw that message.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 26/05/2020 12:27

Misleading title, he hasn't given it away, its a loan until the house is sold. Maybe he didn't tell you because he felt that he really really wanted to help his sister out and you'd make it difficult, it's only a loan, chill out.

Nosurveysneeded · 26/05/2020 12:33

As others have said if she is getting almost £300,000 from her house sale then perhaps it was a temporary house deposit to secure a property and the minute her existing property is sold she will repay.

Have you asked husband to confirm either way?

2bazookas · 26/05/2020 12:35

When SIL's current home is sold she will surely have capital to repay the 15K, and you should insist that happens.

He should have discussed it with you first; and I would repay that breach of trust with maximum embarassment to both of them, by replying to the whatsap message wte

" That loan of OUR money was made in secret without my knowledge or consent; and we can't afford it ."

Irnbroothenoo · 26/05/2020 12:36

Surely you’ll get it back straight away when she sells hers house?

Cherrysoup · 26/05/2020 12:42

Holy crap, that’s a lot of money. Is she going to pay it back as soon as she sells? That means weeks, possibly months, especially if her house is triple the average of the area! I’d be fuming if my dh did this without asking.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 26/05/2020 12:43

A judge would view it fairly favourably in my opinion.

MsSquiz · 26/05/2020 12:45

TBH, it doesn't matter how much money it was or what it's for. Your husband has taken money saved by both of you and given it to someone else without mentioning it to you.

That's not ok.

He either knew it was going to be an issue and hoped it would be loaned and repaid before you noticed, or thought it was so insignificant, it wasn't worth mentioning! (But likes to drop in the conversation that "money will be tight"!)

I would sit him down and ask him:
Why he loaned her the money without telling you?
What the agreement of repayment is?
Does he have written proof of this being a loan and the repayment agreement?

Are you sure SIL didn't "accidentally" send that message to the wrong group?
Is she aware that you didn't know about it? (Maybe DH has kept things from both of you?)

I would absolutely remove half of what's left in the joint account, plus your half of the £15,000 and put it into another account in your name only. He has caused this situation to make you distrust him, he needs to warn that trust back

Waveysnail · 26/05/2020 12:45

I'd be cross that it wasnt discussed. By any chance did sil accidentally.on purpose do it on the family what's app because she felt you need to know? I would happy lend sil as she will get at least 200k for house being sold. Hopefully your dh got a written agreement

JudyCoolibar · 26/05/2020 12:46

Get your husband to ask her solicitor to give an undertaking that the money will be repaid as soon as the house is sold.

Waveysnail · 26/05/2020 12:46

And this is why out savings are split between me and dh in seperate savings accounts

Wurfit · 26/05/2020 12:50

The detail isn't there, but I assume she needs the money upfront so she can move out from the marital home ASAP, then when the house sells she can pay off both her new mortgage on the smaller home and your husband.

She might also need the money if she's moving into a rental as she's not earning very much so landlords will demand rent up front on top of a large deposit.

Having to live with an ex can be miserable for both the adults and any children involved so it's a sensible move.

He should not have loaned this money without consulting you first however, so YANBU on that front.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 26/05/2020 13:03

OP - please come back and fill in the blanks!

Floralnomad · 26/05/2020 13:04

He should have asked but I would imagine it will be paid back from the sale of the marital home . I’d just move any other money into an account in your name only so he doesn’t have access , as it’s in effect a short term loan he probably thought it was something you would agree to .

Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 13:09

There is no need to fill in any blanks. It doesn’t in any way excuse his behaviour, nor make it okay.

There is no circumstance that would make this okay, short of life or death emergency with no way to get ahold of OP to discuss it first. And if that were the (extremely unlikely) case she should have been told immediately upon it being feasible, and apologised to for the fact that it wasn’t possible to discuss it first.

It should NOT have been kept secret, and it should NOT have been done without OP’s permission.

Qwerty543 · 26/05/2020 13:12

I'd be fuming!

But surely she can pay it back when she sells the house?

2020IsTheWorseIWantedZombies · 26/05/2020 13:12

I’d be divorcing him. He stole from you.

LycraLovingLass · 26/05/2020 13:13

OK he is absolutely in the wrong to have not consulted you. I woukd be letting my feelibgs about that be known.

However having moved out and no longer being in a chain will make their home easier to sell and she can pay back the 15k from the capital. So it makes absolute sense if you can afford it, but it should have been discussed with you.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 26/05/2020 13:17

There would have been a new hole in my household. And also several new bank accounts.

It needed to be discussed and assurances given. I would have been happy to help but not after the fact.

Holothane · 26/05/2020 13:18

I’d be livid,

DeeCeeCherry · 26/05/2020 13:24

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight

Oh has he now? I would tell him categorically that you don't want to hear it. At all. & That it's deceitful of him to lend money and actively keep that from you. He is untrustworthy.

I hope when SIL house is sold, the money is paid back forthwith. If it's a loan then presumably those are the terms.

MzHz · 26/05/2020 13:29

has he actually transferred the money already? if not, NIX it. take the money from your accounts and put it somewhere he can't get it. Then inform SIL that H had not discussed this with you so until he has got agreement from you, she will need to look elsewhere to get the funds.

You KNOW you will never ever get that money back from her if he's sent it, right?

LillianBland · 26/05/2020 13:29

I think OP must be too busy to come back. Are builders still able to deliver patio flags during lockdown?

Alsohuman · 26/05/2020 13:31

No sign of OP. Unsurprisingly as this story has as many holes as the one Cummings spun yesterday.