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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 26/05/2020 10:51

He’s stolen from your family pot. I would lose all trust in him. I wouldn’t hold so much as a joint library card with him from now on. It would be completely separate finances or an account where both signatures are needed to withdraw so much as a fiver. If doing it without discussion wasn’t bad enough, the complete lack of respect or concern over your feelings would be the finisher for me. Do you think he thought you’d say no if he asked you, so decided not to give you the opportunity?

Perhaps you might want also to point out that it’s in his best interests to get the deposit back sharpish as he may well be needing it to buy his own property.

Bloops · 26/05/2020 10:51

YANBU. That's absolutely disgraceful!

Eckhart · 26/05/2020 11:02

Do you think he thought you’d say no if he asked you, so decided not to give you the opportunity

I wondered this too, and if OP was likely to have said no, that makes his breach of trust so much worse.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/05/2020 11:08

I've sold and bought houses several times and never yet been asked for a separate deposit up front ... it's always just been rolled up in the process

Are you sure this money's for a deposit?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 26/05/2020 11:14

I would be beyond angry that he didn’t discuss it with me, but to say you have no idea how she will pay it back because she only works 16 hours is a bit dramatic. She can pay it back when her house sells with a virtually mortgage-free 600k house split between her and her ex. I think it was nice of your husband to lend the deposit, but it should have been discussed properly.

This. He was absolutely in the wrong and broke trust, but clearly she does have a way to pay it back in the near future (pending covid, which is also why it was a risky move). Some of the very dramatic responses here are surely only going to make any conversation OP has with her husband even more difficult than they need to be.

Lexilooo · 26/05/2020 11:16

Not enough information is known to say who is being unreasonable.

You don't actually know what (if anything) DH has agreed to.

He might have said something like "I would need to check with the wife but I think we should be able to help you with a short term bridging loan if necessary" and sister has run with that as a yes.

There are ways of dealing with such a loan and giving you protection, and even potentially a better return than a savings account.

Of course he might have just given away £15k with no hope of repayment but who knows unless you ask him what happened.

BlueJava · 26/05/2020 11:30

As PP I'd be livid he hadn't discussed it with me. That's a massive breach of trust. I am not sure where I'd go from here, because it would depend on other factors (does he have form? how does he explain not discussing it with you etc)

dustyparadeground · 26/05/2020 11:31

I agree just check what has been agreed before blowing your top, as posted above the may have just agreed in principle subject to speaking to you. Which, at 15k, he obviously should do

kitschplease · 26/05/2020 11:33

It's not lending (surely he's not gifted it?) the money, it's the fact he didn't discuss the loan with you. I would be furious, but I wouldn't end the marriage until the loan had been repaid by SIL so that I didn't lose the 15K (or my share of it) forever.

Not RTFT but did he think you would block it? Has he done anything like this in the past? And are your savings hefty? 15K taken from a 15K savings account is different to 15K being taken from a multi-million pound fund.

MummaGiles · 26/05/2020 11:35

Bad that he didn’t discuss it with you but presumably you will get it back when the sale of her marital property goes through? She just didn’t have the ready cash to put down a deposit before the equity is released?

scheffsm · 26/05/2020 11:37

I presume he has loaned her it so that she can put down a deposit on a new place while the house is sold and the divorce sorted out. The money she needs won't be there yet. When the divorce is settled she will pay the money back.
I can see why he's done it however there is NO WAY he should have done that without discussing it with you first. If he had explained the situation and discussed it with you so you could both make a decision as to whether to loan it or not then that would be a different story. You might have agreed to the loan in that case.

However, he's gone behind your back and I'd be absolutely furious with him. I'd want to know when it was going to be paid back etcetc.

HermioneKipper · 26/05/2020 11:38

SIL wouldn’t be the only one getting divorced if my husband did this without talking to me! Well that’s probably a bit of an overreaction but pretty shocking behaviour

ilovepuggies · 26/05/2020 11:42

I would be asking him to repay it and then he can make a private arrangement for sister to pay him back.
Or you could take your share out if there’s enough and put it in your own savings?

lilgreen · 26/05/2020 11:42

Yanbu

Ellisandra · 26/05/2020 11:45

There’s be two divorces in that family if I were you.

She’s got a £600K equity house, so even if she sells well below market value and takes 50% of the profit, she can easily repay the £15K. It sounds like a cash flow situation - she needs to deposit to buy before the sale. I did that when I divorced. Even though a PP is right about gifted deposits, and I’m the cautious type, I’d personally trust my sister completely to repay my £15K on word alone. So I’m not even against the idea of the loan!

But hell would freeze over before my husband got away with just taking my money like that!!!!

matchboxtwentyunwell · 26/05/2020 11:46

Of course it was completely unreasonable for him to 'loan' that amount of money out of family money to his sister without talking to you about it. completely.

What did he say when you told him this?

copycopypaste · 26/05/2020 11:50

I'd be opening an account in my own name and take 50% of all savings out and putting it in there, plus a further £16000 from the remaining and putting that in my account too. Your dh can then sort getting that back from his ds.

I'd be absolutely fuming with him.

wildcherries · 26/05/2020 11:52

I can't believe he did that without telling you, as it's joint savings. I'd be furious. WTF?

I agree with PP, if there are other savings I'd be moving your share of the £15k into an account in your name. This is actually so stupid, especially since you are facing less family income, and he is whingeing about that!

titnomatani · 26/05/2020 11:58

I'd take half of the money from your savings and transfer it to yourself PLUS the missing £15K. Once the £15K is returned, I'd ask your husband to keep it. You're perfectly capable of having your own savings account.

onesmalldog · 26/05/2020 12:03

OP I would be furious! You may need that money yourselves. I think I would have to ask SIL for it back!Or if you DH doesn't agree, I'd ask for £7,500 back. That money is yours and DH jointly so half is yours and you didn't agree to lend it.

onesmalldog · 26/05/2020 12:05

I'd be opening an account in my own name and take 50% of all savings out and putting it in there, plus a further £16000 from the remaining and putting that in my account too. Your dh can then sort getting that back from his ds.

I like your style. This is in no way unfair after what has just happened.

wildcherries · 26/05/2020 12:11

I'd be opening an account in my own name and take 50% of all savings out and putting it in there, plus a further £16000 from the remaining and putting that in my account too. Your dh can then sort getting that back from his ds.

Yeah, agree. This is a better option. He's only got himself to blame.

icelollycraving · 26/05/2020 12:12

It would depend to me on how much money was left. I would reply on the group that this gift was news to me.
If it was my £15k I’d be absolutely fuming.

GabsAlot · 26/05/2020 12:16

he should have discussed it and the terms of repaying-is it coming out of the house sale or not?

Sweetiepye · 26/05/2020 12:16

I would be concerned that if the op moved money into an account of her own, that her ‘d’h would still be able to claim half of that (if they didn’t get money back from sil) and they were to split further down the line!