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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment from DH?

174 replies

NamechangeforAIBU · 21/05/2020 10:15

I might just be overly sensitive and hormonal about this, as I had a baby a little under 2 weeks ago, so am prepared to be told that IABU.

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal. I can't help but feel like he's grossed out by me now. He insists he isn't, but why else would he have even asked? He says he was just wondering. He also mentioned I look still like I'm in early pregnancy.

I accept that I'm still a bit flabbier than I was. My stomach has a definite wobble to it. I'd probably put myself as looking approx 10-12 weeks pregnant (this one showed much sooner).

I'm also about 10kgs away from pre baby weight. Pre DC1 I was reasonably fit although not very toned in the abs. I didn't really take up the exercise I was doing pre DC1 between DC1 and 2 due to a combination of PND, busy schedule for work and being with baby in the evening and weekends. So any strength/tone that I would have had pre DC1 would have been well and truly gone.

I'm hoping that the belly isn't here to stay. But, I'm still feeling really hurt. He didn't mean to be hurtful (he told me when I told him that he had).

AIBU to feel this way?

Also, how long did it take you to lose the belly?

TY

OP posts:
UnfinishedSymphon · 21/05/2020 10:17

He didn't mean to be hurtful

I wonder for what other reason he asked

FizzyPink · 21/05/2020 10:21

I do sort of understand this. Until I had a friend who had a baby I had no idea your stomach held the baby shape for a while, I naively assumed that once the baby wasn’t there pushing it out it would just go back to normal.
It makes sense that obviously it’s not going to ping back but I can understand there being some confusion although he could have just googled it or asked in a more sensitive way.

zscaler · 21/05/2020 10:22

YANBU - anyone but an idiot would know that was a hurtful and insensitive comment. Maybe he’s pretending he didn’t mean it that way, but I can’t see any reason for him saying it except to remind you that you’re not immediately back in shape and to wonder when you will be. Unless he’s monumentally thick and it just hasn’t occurred to him why it’s not ok to ask a woman who is less than two weeks post-partum why her body hasn’t bounced back, then he was being a dickhead.

Teacaketotty · 21/05/2020 10:23

I agree it was a little insensitive but I think it was an innocent question. I know my belly took a while but I probably wouldn’t have appreciated being asked by my DH. Along with losing the weight probably 2-3 months!

GnomeDePlume · 21/05/2020 10:25

2 weeks!

How stupid is he? This now is normal. Ask him how long he thinks it would take for his stomach to return to 'normal' after it had spent 18 months (two pregnancies worth of time) growing two humans? Not just physical changes but hormonal changes. Your skin, muscle, skeleton have all been changed by pregnancy and birth. Some of these changes can be permanent.

SmolGreenCrocodileBaby · 21/05/2020 10:25

If he really wanted to know he could have googled. He knew it would hurt you.

You've just grown him a new fucking human inside you, pushed it out of your vagina and that's his main concern??

What a catch Hmm

RestaurantoffBroadway · 21/05/2020 10:25

tell him it will never be how it was before you did the equivalent of running a marathon. Tell him to think of the biggest mental and physical challenge he's ever undertaken and ask how long it took him to return to "exactly how he was before it". Bonkers question that reveals no understanding of the beauty in change that is life.

UnfinishedSymphon · 21/05/2020 10:25

It's not their first baby though so can't be a massive surprise. It could be a completely innocent thing though, would depend how the rest of the relationship is in general really to know if he meant anything by it

monkeyonthetable · 21/05/2020 10:27

Really briskly tell him: 6 months to a year - why do you ask? Then stare at his least appealing body part.

Winterlife · 21/05/2020 10:27

YANBU but remember, he’s a man and they’re usually stupid about such things and the effect of their careless words.

borntohula · 21/05/2020 10:28

Surely he remembers from the first time round? I remember after having DC1, I was shocked at my own body because I stupidly thought it would 'ping back.' Are you breastfeeding? Apparently it helps. Also, fwiw, your DH is insensitive and for what reason does it matter to him? It's been 2 weeks ffs.

FirmlyRooted · 21/05/2020 10:29

Longer than it took to grow the baby, so at least a year. And honestly, after 2 babies, full time work and extra weight, probably never back to pre baby shape.

Totally insensitive comment, how did he think it would make you feel?!

Shoxfordian · 21/05/2020 10:29

He's very insensitive
Surely he could have just googled rather than upset you

TheVanguardSix · 21/05/2020 10:31

This is what's important to him? When will he get his wife's flat stomach back? Ugh. Who raises such men?
He's not nearly as sly as he thinks he. He's saying what you think he's saying and no, it's not a nice thing to hear and he's not a very loving partner for saying this. Ask him if his cleft empathy can be surgically repaired.

justanotherneighinparadise · 21/05/2020 10:33

What would happen I wonder if you told him it would never return to your pre-pregnancy state. I’d love the have analysed his facial expression and continued the conversation from there. That would have told you all you need to know.

GnomeDePlume · 21/05/2020 10:33

I could understand somebody totally unconnected with pregnancy asking this question (if they had never heard of Google) but somebody who has now been part of the process twice? No, this is either incredible stupidity or intentional hurt.

LolaSmiles · 21/05/2020 10:33

If it was after a first baby then I could see it as an innocent but insensitive comment. After 2 babies he's just being insensitive at best and mean at worst.

I'm exercising after a baby and finding the relaxin and extra weight is making its really hard. Some fitness groups I'm in online have women competing over who ran a marathon 10 weeks post birth and another acquaintance seemed to think it was social media brag worthy to share that she has put on a pair of pre pregnancy yoga pants.

I think the loud obsessive and braggy voices can dominate and give the impression that's normal and it's just a question of willpower.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/05/2020 10:35

Whilst you've been growing humans...

I hope he's offering physical perfection himself... Rippled bod, sculpted shoulders, bum like two ripe peaches?

No?

FizzyPink · 21/05/2020 10:38

Sorry OP I completely missed this is your second baby, YANBU

LouHotel · 21/05/2020 10:38

It’s insensitive because google exists, it’s very easy to research what to expect after having a baby, for fuck sake your organs haven’t even moved back to where they should be yet,

Maybe he was just being curious but he should take it up with Siri rather than make his two week postpartum partner feel like shit

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/05/2020 10:38

I’d take it as an innocent question. After all, the media does keep men in the dark with every female celebrity going in for an elective c-section plus tummy tuck so they come out of ‘childbirth’ looking like they were never pregnant.

TheVanguardSix · 21/05/2020 10:39

And you just gave birth 2 weeks ago?
OP, it took me 4 months to lose my belly with every pregnancy. I'd have put DH's tongue in the shredder if he'd said such a thing! Have you considered this? Grin

Iwalkinmyclothing · 21/05/2020 10:40

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal.

Well, ds1 is 14 now and mine certainly has never gone back to how it was before I grew a fucking person inside it. But it has always been normal. If DH had asked me this sort of question I would have asked him whether he was really that stupid.

billy1966 · 21/05/2020 10:41

Horrible insensitive question that only an arsehole would ask.

You write you had PND after your last baby......

I hope you have friends and family to support you OP.

Flowers
PlanDeRaccordement · 21/05/2020 10:42

Google isn’t the answer because there is too much conflicting information out there. In one search you can find results:
-flat belly days after childbirth (mostly celebrities see my prior post)

  • flat belly weeks after childbirth (mostly exercise influencers or instagram competitive yummy mummies)
-flat belly months after childbirth (more normal people) -belly never goes back (normal people with distasis) -belly gets even fatter (people who over ate while pregnant and keep eating for two afterwards).