To be hurt by this comment from DH?

[NamechangeforAIBU]

I might just be overly sensitive and hormonal about this, as I had a baby a little under 2 weeks ago, so am prepared to be told that IABU.

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal. I can't help but feel like he's grossed out by me now. He insists he isn't, but why else would he have even asked? He says he was just wondering. He also mentioned I look still like I'm in early pregnancy.

I accept that I'm still a bit flabbier than I was. My stomach has a definite wobble to it. I'd probably put myself as looking approx 10-12 weeks pregnant (this one showed much sooner).

I'm also about 10kgs away from pre baby weight. Pre DC1 I was reasonably fit although not very toned in the abs. I didn't really take up the exercise I was doing pre DC1 between DC1 and 2 due to a combination of PND, busy schedule for work and being with baby in the evening and weekends. So any strength/tone that I would have had pre DC1 would have been well and truly gone.

I'm hoping that the belly isn't here to stay. But, I'm still feeling really hurt. He didn't mean to be hurtful (he told me when I told him that he had).

AIBU to feel this way?

Also, how long did it take you to lose the belly?

TY

Actually her DH should be aware of what a huge feat pregnancy, labour & childbirth is, the potential of actual damage to one’s body and insides/long term ill effects of it, mentally and physically, and that during the subsequent healing period the look of one’s stomach and/or other superficial things should be the least of one’s concerns! He should know to leave well alone!

In the RL though we are told that pregnancy is normal and not something to make a huge fuss about.
No one ever say to a woman that she has done something amazing or that it will have knackered her.
The only time when women feel OK to share all the 'horrible bits' of pg is when they are together relating their births. And then you still have many women saying 'really do you have to paint abour as such an horror story'?

We are still in the victorian area where women are not supposed to complin about giving birth (or make a noise etc...) in as such that the toll put on a woman's body by pg is rarely ackownledged, even less so by men (see lso all the soties about giving a 'false pg belly' to men and how they are finding it, back pain, tiredness etc... that they never though was that much of an issue really. Just normal pg niggles).

So yes I agree about the fact a new father should well kw to keep his mouth shut and appreciate what his partner has just gone through. In reality, it's only the expression of a wider culture.

And so is the fact that the OP is feeling sensitive about her weight and tummy only 2 weeks after giving birth. She should be relaxed in the knowledge that this is normal.
But out cultural avlues as a society still tell us that a big tummy is BAD, regardless of the reason, incl after pg. Which is why celebs are all exercising, on a weight loss regime and whatnot as soon as they have given bith. Sporting a pg tummy even 2 weeks after giving birth is still seen as 'abnormal'. which is where the OP insecurities are steming from I suspect....

I didn’t know it would take 6 months until I’d had mine So my dp had no idea - I don’t think you should think about it too much. My dp and I were just amazed by all of it - my body was broken in so many ways, we just laughed at my wobbly belly. Unless he has form......

If he really wanted to know he could have googled. He knew it would hurt you

This.

Or he could have just remembered from DC1 that the uterus alone takes a month to contract back.

I think he wanted to draw a comparison to DC1's pregnancy and prompt you that he has noticed that the OP isn't snapping back.

He's a bastard.

It was a stupidly insensitive thing to ask. If he was asking as a way to tell you to lose the baby belly, he's a jerk. If he was asking out of innocent, non-judgemental curiosity, he was still being insensitive and thoughtless.

I'd have been tempted to ask him something back... "How much longer before you're completely bald, do you think?" "How long do you think it'll take before you get that promotion at work/achieve a salary of ££££££?" "Why is one of your eyes slightly higher than the other?"

...But that would only escalate things, of course. Better to just tell him it was a hurtful thing to say and not doubt yourself for a moment, because it was stupid of him, and he needs to learn some manners!

I asked myself this question after I had my baby. It's strange to still look a little pregnant once baby is here. I don't think it's hurtful to question what is happening. It's just curiosity.
Maybe you should tell him that even though he was being curious, it did hurt you, give him the opportunity to apologise, and move past it.

Wow, this is getting heated! I didn't realise it was a thing for men to police their partner's bodies after giving birth.
I suppose it depends on the context and his response when you said his comments hurt your feelings. Did he apologise profusely or did he tell you you'd taken it the wrong way. If he's any kind of husband he would have considered your feelings and apologised.

I would have been tempted to reply "If you think that looks bad you should see my fanny!" We don't just ping back into shape, your body has been through a huge upheaval, its done an amazing thing. Well done OP.

Can he just be a man,who is just unknowing about this, some men are like this.

I knew a woman years ago, who married a man who had been married before,and his first wife had apparently given birth like a rocket, very quickly. She the second wife, had been in labour for two days,, and you can imagine what he said to her, as in, why are you taking so long, my ex wife had no problems at all !!

Can he just be a man,who is just unknowing about this, some men are like this.

^This^

We can't it both ways. We have such low standards for men in some things (hanging washing on the line, choosing the 'perfect' gift, remembering anything, looking after the children 'right', so how can we then expect them to be oh so sensitive and knowledgeable about the post-partum female body and mind.

Can he just be a man,who is just unknowing about this, some men are like this.

This is this second DC! This is not naivety.

Some posters don't credit men with having even an ounce of empathy or basic consideration. Even as a 16-year-old I would know not to comment on a very PP woman's stomach.

his second DC*

@NamechangeforAIBU I got angry on your behalf earlier so I’ve focused mainly on what a dummy your DH was/is. Now I’ll address things a bit more to you.

I’ve had two children. The first time I bounced back pretty much straightway (I was very young and at peak physical condition). The second time I gained more weight and it took longer to shift the extra pounds. My stomach also didn’t go back quite to what it was after my first baby, and nowhere near what it was before I had children. But that’s okay. Really, it’s not a problem.

It helps that as I get older there is nothing to do but accept the reality of that in all aspects, graciously and with supreme confidence that I lose none of my stature, my worth, my self simply by virtue of being older or less ‘perfect’. It doesn’t make me lesser, by any means.

Of course some days it bothers me that I’m no longer as close to my own perceived ideal or the arbitrary standards set for me by a sexist society due to my femalehood. But those days are few and far between and I recognise it as being the voice of the side of me that is an extreme perfectionist, whose sense of worth is tied up in being the absolute ‘best’ it can be. It’s not the real me. The real me is proud of my body, proud of what it has achieved; not just in pregnancy and giving birth - the primary biological imperative, of course, but by no means the be all and end all of life - but in general for what it has been through over the years in simply staying alive, staying relatively well and being my home for the duration of my life and hopefully many years into the future.

My worth has never been determined by what I look like or how slim I am or whether or not my breasts are big and full, my bottom the right shape for current tastes, or my stomach as concave as some might think it ought to be. I am more, far more than just that. And so are you.

Take comfort in the fact that things will go back to a new normal over time. Focus on your health and well being, sleep and strength. Focus on enjoying the things that make you happy right now, and park the things about your body that you wish were different. You can work on them in time, if you want to and if it will be edifying for you, not just because someone else expects it or demands it or would prefer it. You take care of you, your physical health, mental and emotional wellbeing, and your children. Be kind to yourself and the rest will follow.

Oh my God! Kill him OP. Stone dead. Honestly, what a fucking idiot!

Simply put, it was insensitive and he should not have said it.

I would suggest that you express your upset with him, OP, so that he doesn’t make any further comments like this. Even if it was just an innocent act of insensitivity (which it may well have been, only you know that!), you are still completely justified to feel hurt and tell him that those types of comments are not welcome.

I don’t have low standards for men. I hold them to extremely high standards. Perhaps that helps in holding to the stance I take on comments like this. I wouldn’t accept or excuse a comment like that, and I expect that no matter what the situation any man I was with throughout and after pregnancy, birth and recovery would know full well exactly how much he ought to be in awe of and appreciative of the ordeal I’d just been through.

When I had my first, I was naive enough to think I would be back to normal within days, I had very little to do with babies or their mums.
I don't think it is unreasonable for him to ask.

But you’re wondering yourself how long until your stomach goes back? I don’t think he’s being unreasonable to ask it’s a normal thing to be curious about. If he’d said why isn’t it back to normal yet or is there anyway you can speed it up etc then he would be completely unreasonable and awful obviously, but he didn’t.

Well obviously she’s wondering now...because her dolt of a DH has planted the idea in her head that it’s something she needs to worry about! OP you need to resist the compulsion to obsess over this, and just focus on what’s actually important right now.

I expect that no matter what the situation any man I was with throughout and after pregnancy, birth and recovery would know full well exactly how much he ought to be in awe of and appreciative of the ordeal I’d just been through

Ehrm have you ever been with a man throughout pregnancy etc. Can you tell us all how this awe manifests itself,,,

Ehrm have you ever been with a man throughout pregnancy etc. Can you tell us all how this awe manifests itself,,

I'd imagine, as a starting point, not asking when the pre-pregnancy body is returning before the stitches have dissolved?

Yes I have. As I said I’ve been pregnant and given birth twice. Both my ex husband and my current husband are decent men first and foremost. They are keenly aware of what I as a woman, and women as a class, have coped with, cope with now and potentially will cope with in future, in terms of physical, emotional and psychological ramifications of being born female.

Whatever the situation, I would never have ended up with a man who was not worthy of me - I approach my relationships expecting high standards in all aspects, and therefore, I end up with men who meet them. I’d rather be alone than with a man I can’t respect, and who doesn’t value me properly.

And no, I’m not going to explain what awe and respect of my experience as a woman in pregnancy, childbirth and delivery and potential ramifications thereof looks like. It is fairly straightforward and someone has already given a good example of what it’s not. Work it out for yourself, if you can.

Ugh what appalling grammar and sentence structure! Wrote that whilst taking in delivery of online groceries order...

Anyway, it’s the eve of my birthday so I am off to celebrate with a drink or two! Cheers, and have a good evening everyone! 🥂

He may haver been genuine, I mean about 1hr after birth of second, people saying you wouldn,t believe she just had a baby. I was in my pre preg trousers pretty much straight away. Others never really go back. Ican see that it might have felt insensitive but he might not have meant it that way.