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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment from DH?

174 replies

NamechangeforAIBU · 21/05/2020 10:15

I might just be overly sensitive and hormonal about this, as I had a baby a little under 2 weeks ago, so am prepared to be told that IABU.

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal. I can't help but feel like he's grossed out by me now. He insists he isn't, but why else would he have even asked? He says he was just wondering. He also mentioned I look still like I'm in early pregnancy.

I accept that I'm still a bit flabbier than I was. My stomach has a definite wobble to it. I'd probably put myself as looking approx 10-12 weeks pregnant (this one showed much sooner).

I'm also about 10kgs away from pre baby weight. Pre DC1 I was reasonably fit although not very toned in the abs. I didn't really take up the exercise I was doing pre DC1 between DC1 and 2 due to a combination of PND, busy schedule for work and being with baby in the evening and weekends. So any strength/tone that I would have had pre DC1 would have been well and truly gone.

I'm hoping that the belly isn't here to stay. But, I'm still feeling really hurt. He didn't mean to be hurtful (he told me when I told him that he had).

AIBU to feel this way?

Also, how long did it take you to lose the belly?

TY

OP posts:
QuestionMarkNow · 21/05/2020 13:27

Hold, it's your second baby right? He needs to engage his brain!

As I saod I am not surprised if this was your first baby. For t second ne, he should know....

Velvian · 21/05/2020 13:32

It doesn't take a genius to work out that it's not a good idea to ask a woman that has just given birth anything about her appearance. She has been through so much.

New fathers really need to apply ring theory to dealing with their own concerns and queries for issues that are affecting their partner. You burden someone further outside the ring with your own worries (family, friends...) not the woman that is going through it.

saraclara · 21/05/2020 13:50

saraclara, OP heard how he said it! And was upset...

...and she said she might be over reacting and hormonal. She wouldn't have doubted herself if he'd said it in an unpleasant way, surely?

YinMnBlue · 21/05/2020 13:52

OP, congratulations on your new baby Smile

You are almost certainly feeling hormonal and sensitive 2 weeks post partum, that is to be a expected!

But also neither you nor your DH should be giving a second thought to your belly. It takes time for the uterus and surrounding tissue to shrink back. Everything grew - your skin, the underlying tissue, your uterus. And it takes time to go back down.

Nothing to do with 'weight'.

And your DH needs to be aware of how sensitive women can feel during and after pregnancy, and what it means as a woman when a) your appearance is considered by society in general and the Daily Mail in particular to be of great public interest and b) when your body changes very quickly and out of your control and not in a way generally admired by society and the DM.

Talk to him about this - he might learn something. He was either having a speak-before-think moment, or he needs to be encouraged to understand.

Good luck, OP.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 21/05/2020 13:54

What a stupid comment. Do you hate ALL men

No I dont- what a stupid comment.

I'm married to a man. A decent guy who has never made comments like this only 2 weeks after giving birth. Shocking I know, but it IS possible to not make remarks to your partner that you know will upset them.

onegirlandherdog · 21/05/2020 13:57

Your stomach is 'normal' whatever it looks like. Mt stomach has never returned to the way it was pre birth, even though I'm not overweight and do quite a bit of exercise. It has stretch marks and has never been 'flat' since. Who cares?

Velvian · 21/05/2020 13:57

There is no reason that doesn't make him a dick. It's not surprising that he said it and I'm sure many men have asked their partners similar. That doesn't mean it is acceptable. We need to raise our expectations in romantic relationships with men, not lower them and excuse unacceptable behaviour.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2020 13:57

God weight is so triggering for so many folks on here, the simplest mention has peoooe lashing out and hurling abuse at this man.

As we weren’t there op it’s hard to tell if he just asked in a mild curious way and you’re just incredibly sensitive or if he was saying it pointedly to hurt you.

Ninkanink · 21/05/2020 13:59

Actually her DH should be aware of what a huge feat pregnancy, labour & childbirth is, the potential of actual damage to one’s body and insides/long term ill effects of it, mentally and physically, and that during the subsequent healing period the look of one’s stomach and/or other superficial things should be the least of one’s concerns! He should know to leave well alone!

What a twat. Seriously. Who the actual fuck does he think he is? At best he is an utter idiot.

Durgasarrow · 21/05/2020 14:00

Are you kidding me, OP? That man kicked you in the gut when you were down. There is not one innocent thing about asking that question. It is incredibly cruel and ugly. Just give me your address so I can come over and I will slap that fucker until he is prone and then I will make you tea and toast with butter and jam. You deserve so much better.

Durgasarrow · 21/05/2020 14:01

His only and only questions to you should be, "How do you feel, goddess who creates life?" and "How may I serve you?"

Ninkanink · 21/05/2020 14:02

And it has nothing whatsoever to do with sensitivity about weight or whatever claptrap others are using to excuse him and make out that OP and others are out of order.

Velvian · 21/05/2020 14:03

@Bluntness100, it's not about weight, it's appearance in general. Girls are groomed from before they can walk and talk that their function is to be pretty. It is not surprising that there are some major esteem issues around that after birth.

It doesn't make OP a, snowflake.

Scrunchy95 · 21/05/2020 14:04

That comment was nothing short of passive aggressive.

LolaSmiles · 21/05/2020 14:07

He is NOT a good person, OP. Not at all
Talk about jumping to conclusions.

What is it with some mumsnetters hearing one situation in a relationship and suddenly deciding they can be judge and jury on someone's entire personality?

Notredamn · 21/05/2020 14:07

Mine has stretch marks so it never went back after my first. It never will and I've never had any complaints, but then again I might've fallen 'lucky' and not fucked anyone insecure and passive aggressive.

shootmenow2020 · 21/05/2020 14:08

When I had my first I remember waking up next day and I couldn't believe I still had a tummy! I'd no idea it didn't disappear overnight. Maybe your DH is as dim as me and genuinely meant no ill will by it?
I hope he knows how much he hurt you

Ellisandra · 21/05/2020 14:12

It would insensitive but forgivable after a first, but this is his second.

I’d give him a death stare and tell him after number two, this was the new normal. (not that it is!)

Or a simple, “why do you ask?”

In an otherwise good relationship I’m not going to shout LTB 2 weeks post partum. But I will say that you are absolutely not being sensitive about it.

Ginfordinner · 21/05/2020 14:17

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal.

It depends. For some women it is a few weeks, for some it is a year or more.

Pre DD I was exercising a lot and had fairly strong stomach muscles. I breastfed her, and when the midife was checking my tummy 10 days after DD was born she told me that my uterus had gone back down to its pre-birth size.

In my case breastfeeding definitely helped. I could feel it contracting as I was feeding DD.

TheOrigBrave · 21/05/2020 14:17

That comment was nothing short of passive aggressive.

Eh?

Which bit of this:

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal is PA?

He also mentioned I look still like I'm in early pregnancy or this?

That's all we know from the OP, her upset is how she interpreted his questions. Sure, he's a twit for asking because he should KNOW that most women will be feeling sensitive about their body shape.

But if the OP is usually pretty confident in her body, didn't put tonnes of weight on and has expressed a desire to get back to shape, then it's an entirely reasonable thing to wonder about.

fretnot · 21/05/2020 14:18

As many have probably said, if it had been your first child this would have made more sense as an ‘innocent query’. Or did you ping back much more quickly the first time, OP? I think I did.

OTOH, even if that’s the case, what could he possibly expect you to say? “I’ll just whip out my crystal ball, darling...”

Suzie6789 · 21/05/2020 14:18

Bloody hell is he usually so tactless?? I was still wearing maternity clothes and knickers 2 weeks after I had my babies, and probably for a great deal longer than that! Also if you only look 10-12 weeks pregnant you’re doing well!
If he starts this line of questioning again, tell him to fuck right off and leave you alone. It’s a question designed to make you feel shit.

AlternativePerspective · 21/05/2020 14:19

As usual the posters who are desperate for this to be a failed relationship are out in force.

Assuming they have an otherwise good relationship I think it’s fair to assume that it was just an insensitive comment. But if it’s a good relationship then the OP should surely just say “why do you ask?”

It’s just as nasty to say to a woman who has just given birth that she’s married to a selfish twat and could do better. Seriously.

As an aside,a week after I had my DS I opened the door to the window cleaner and he said: “oooh, someone’s expecting.” Shock Grin.

hibeat · 21/05/2020 14:20

6 months. Expletives for asking a lifetime. He earned it.

hibeat · 21/05/2020 14:22

Put him on the 3 and 6 am feed for as long as you feel. Seriously.