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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment from DH?

174 replies

NamechangeforAIBU · 21/05/2020 10:15

I might just be overly sensitive and hormonal about this, as I had a baby a little under 2 weeks ago, so am prepared to be told that IABU.

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal. I can't help but feel like he's grossed out by me now. He insists he isn't, but why else would he have even asked? He says he was just wondering. He also mentioned I look still like I'm in early pregnancy.

I accept that I'm still a bit flabbier than I was. My stomach has a definite wobble to it. I'd probably put myself as looking approx 10-12 weeks pregnant (this one showed much sooner).

I'm also about 10kgs away from pre baby weight. Pre DC1 I was reasonably fit although not very toned in the abs. I didn't really take up the exercise I was doing pre DC1 between DC1 and 2 due to a combination of PND, busy schedule for work and being with baby in the evening and weekends. So any strength/tone that I would have had pre DC1 would have been well and truly gone.

I'm hoping that the belly isn't here to stay. But, I'm still feeling really hurt. He didn't mean to be hurtful (he told me when I told him that he had).

AIBU to feel this way?

Also, how long did it take you to lose the belly?

TY

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 21/05/2020 11:29

It may have been an innocent question but anyone with a gram of sensitivity would have known to keep their trap shut at that point.

He sounds like a dickhead.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 21/05/2020 11:31

Where I’m from it’s received wisdom that it takes 9 months to grow a full size baby, and 9 months to recover from pregnancy

So as a standard women don’t expect to be back into their skinnies for at least 9 months

To me, that attitude makes sense

Your DH is lacking in sensitivity a bit here!

Anotherchangeanothername · 21/05/2020 11:33

I did not know you still look pregnant after giving birth, and had no idea how long it took to shrink.
I honestly thought you would just go back to your skinny jeans, not that you needed to wear maternity wear for like a month!
It could have been an honest question

Losedontsnooze · 21/05/2020 11:33

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

icansmellburningleaves · 21/05/2020 11:34

Is this a joke post. He is honestly asking you that after less than two weeks!! He needs to educate himself about what happens in pregnancy and move his expectations into the realistic category. It’s absolutely normal to still look like you’re pregnant for weeks or months afterwards. I’ve had one child by caesarian and I still have a little pouch years later. He’s been incredibly mean and insensitive to even mention it. Ask him how long it will take him to learn some compassion. I would show him these responses to show him how out of order he is. Congratulations on your baby. I hope you’re getting support from other family and friends. It’s a strange and isolating time to have a baby.

tenlittlecygnets · 21/05/2020 11:35

You had a baby 2 weeks ago!!

He also mentioned I look still like I'm in early pregnancy.

You've had two babies. It takes 9 months for baby weight to go on and 9 months for it to come off safely.

Does he know anything about birth or about how the uterus takes time to deflate, and the effect of pregnancy on stomach muscles? no?

Do ask your h what his reason for asking you this was, if not to hurt you... Hmm

Is he a Greek god, sculpted and muscled?

Tell him that he can look after his dc every night while you go to the gym for an hour to get back into shape. Then leave him with the dc and do whatever you want.

What a shallow dickhead.

ravenmum · 21/05/2020 11:36

I did not know you still look pregnant after giving birth, and had no idea how long it took to shrink.
I honestly thought you would just go back to your skinny jeans, not that you needed to wear maternity wear for like a month!
It could have been an honest question
She has just had his second child.

userabcname · 21/05/2020 11:36

I don't think it's very nice to keep pointing out your belly - sounds like he's mentioned it more than once. Fwiw it took my belly longer to deflate with dc2 but it did go down and I lost the baby weight pretty quickly (now to lose the weight I gained with dc1....!). I would tell him to stop bringing up my post partum body and that he is being hurtful, whether he intends it that way or not.

tenlittlecygnets · 21/05/2020 11:36

@Anotherchangeanothername - I honestly thought you would just go back to your skinny jeans, not that you needed to wear maternity wear for like a month! It could have been an honest question

OP has had two dc with her h. Her h should be able to remember what happened after her first pg Hmm

tenlittlecygnets · 21/05/2020 11:38

Who the hell are the 24% who think OP is being U???? Shock

CrystalTipped · 21/05/2020 11:44

Not an innocent question when it's their 2nd child...

I'd take it as a passive aggressive jab. "You've had two weeks to rest, now get on a treadmill so I can have my hot wife back."

One pertinent question might be how much time and energy you have spare to devote to fitness? With a two week old I'd guess not much. Is he doing at least 50% of the childcare and domestic work? if not, he should keep his opinions to himself.

snowybean · 21/05/2020 11:44

I can understand why he might have asked as I was curious, too. But he should have taken utmost care to ask it in a factual way. If he says he finds you attractive and was just wondering then I wouldn't read too deeply into it.

It took me about 5-6 weeks to squeeze back into my high waisted jeans post-baby, but she was very small so I barely looked pregnant until my last week at work.

Pertella · 21/05/2020 11:45

Why is it even a question that's considered reasonable to ask though?

snowybean · 21/05/2020 11:46

I've only had one baby, but I can imagine it would take a little longer than the first? Every person I've known with two babies has always mentioned their stomach was bigger more quickly with the second (i.e. clearly showing at 16 weeks as opposed to 25 weeks with the first)

fuckoffImcounting · 21/05/2020 11:47

Twunt. Tell him never.

CrystalTipped · 21/05/2020 11:48

Who the hell are the 24% who think OP is being U?

The handmaiden community.

FrenchFancie · 21/05/2020 11:51

I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable here. It’s a reasonable question, like others I had no idea that my stomach didn’t just ping back in a few days. I was quite horrified and asked my mum!
If her DH hasn’t said anything else negative or hurtful it may just be a daft question, everyone is capable of being a bit daft from time to time, and he may not realise op was feeling uncertain in her body, or that what he sees as a simple factual question could be seen as hurtful. My DH asked how long my stitches would take to heal, so I can see why he may have questions.
Then again, if it’s part of a pattern of hurtful behaviour Then it’s a different story - if he is generally critical of others bodies, or the ops body, then it needs addressing.

Op just ask him if he realised it was a hurtful thing to say.

ravenmum · 21/05/2020 11:51

Even if it was his first child and he was a poor innocent little lamb, I don't know why he would think OP was an expert in what "generally" happens to other women's bodies. Why would she know any more than him? Is it part of the miracle of motherhood that also enables women to simply Know how to change a nappy?

CatteStreet · 21/05/2020 11:52

'Well, ds1 is 14 now and mine certainly has never gone back to how it was before I grew a fucking person inside it. But it has always been normal.'

This, word for word (except my eldest is 15).

georgialondon · 21/05/2020 11:53

Maybe he really was just wondering. Not the most tactful thing to ask but it doesn't mean it's malicious.

Pertella · 21/05/2020 11:53

an elective c-section plus tummy tuck

You cant have a tummy tuck when you have a caesarean or for quite a while after birth. Hmm

BlueJava · 21/05/2020 11:55

Perhaps he asking how comfortable you are? Is he worried about hurting you? Those would have been my first thoughts, not asking about your looks.

AmeliaTaylor · 21/05/2020 11:57

Is he generally a nice, caring husband? If so, I’d just let this go. Doubt he meant anything by it, it just happened to trigger an insecurity in you. If he said he didn’t mean to be hurtful I’d move on!

DH never asked me this but a very dear close friend of mine did, we met up when baby was a week old and he asked how I was recovering and expressed surprised that I still had a belly lol. I explained to him it takes a while to go back down and he said he had no idea, he always assumed baby would come out and you’d spring back to normal. He hasn’t been closely around many women who’ve had babies and seen them shortly after so he had no idea and was just curious. I feel like when you have an open, trusting, honest and close relationship with someone, be it partner or friend, you kinda know whether they’re being a dick to insult you or not. If they are, why are you even close with them? Surely you’d give them the benefit of the doubt they they had no way of knowing you’d be affronted.

gingersausage · 21/05/2020 11:59

If it was his first experience of a pregnant and post-partum woman, I could accept that it was a “matter of interest” question. It would still be better not to ask it though. Being that it’s his second baby, it seems very strange that he can’t just keep his gob shut and use his brain.

I was horrified when I saw my stomach immediately after giving birth the first time. I genuinely thought it would just go back to normal as soon as the baby was out 🤣🤣. My MIL didn’t help matters by turning up that same afternoon and announcing how huge I still was 🤦‍♀️. Between her and my mother banging on about how she only put on half a stone and no-one could tell she was pregnant, there’s no bloody wonder I was back in my size 8 jeans in a week from stress! Second time round, I piled on 4 stone and it took 4 years to get back to “normal”; well the new normal anyway.

BumpBundle · 21/05/2020 12:01

I think I'm in the minority but I can't understand why you'd assume he's grossed out? He just asked a question that a lot of people want the answer to. His mind probably went "you're not pregnant anymore but you still look a bit pregnant (which is true for everyone after two weeks), clearly you won't look pregnant forever so I wonder how long this lasts". I'm fairly certain my OH would've asked the same thing but I honestly don't remember if he did. I know I asked my midwife that exact question and it wasn't because I thought I looked gross. We constantly complain that men know nothing about pregnancy but when they ask genuine questions they get told that it's rude to ask so what are they supposed to do? (You've even asked this question yourself).
The honest answer to when it'll go down is personal to you and depends on the composition of your bump. Your uterus should retract in around 6 weeks - but your bump isn't just uterus. Some women retain a lot of water during pregnancy and will lose that fairly fast, some women gain a lot of fat (often due to hormonal changes so not something they can control) and fat takes a few months to shift, some women have major changes to their abdominal muscles and, if it's severe, that can take a few years to get completely back depending on the about you work out and what you looked like before. It can also depend on whether you had a c-section or vaginal birth, whether you're breastfeeding (as this stimulates the uterus to contract faster and burns calories but also raises your hormone levels so your metabolism is lower), how active you're able to be... The general rule is nine months in and nine months out but that's just a rule of thumb.