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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this comment from DH?

174 replies

NamechangeforAIBU · 21/05/2020 10:15

I might just be overly sensitive and hormonal about this, as I had a baby a little under 2 weeks ago, so am prepared to be told that IABU.

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal. I can't help but feel like he's grossed out by me now. He insists he isn't, but why else would he have even asked? He says he was just wondering. He also mentioned I look still like I'm in early pregnancy.

I accept that I'm still a bit flabbier than I was. My stomach has a definite wobble to it. I'd probably put myself as looking approx 10-12 weeks pregnant (this one showed much sooner).

I'm also about 10kgs away from pre baby weight. Pre DC1 I was reasonably fit although not very toned in the abs. I didn't really take up the exercise I was doing pre DC1 between DC1 and 2 due to a combination of PND, busy schedule for work and being with baby in the evening and weekends. So any strength/tone that I would have had pre DC1 would have been well and truly gone.

I'm hoping that the belly isn't here to stay. But, I'm still feeling really hurt. He didn't mean to be hurtful (he told me when I told him that he had).

AIBU to feel this way?

Also, how long did it take you to lose the belly?

TY

OP posts:
JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 21/05/2020 12:03

Well my youngest is 12 and I've still got the belly, tell him at least 12 years.

AmeliaTaylor · 21/05/2020 12:03

ravenmum

This seems strangely antagonistic/aggressive towards a partner you presumably feel is a good person and have chosen to have a child with.

DH and I ask each other stuff all the time. Doesn’t mean anything sinister like I assume he’s an expert on televisions and how they work or whatever, or he believes I’m an expert on gardening just cos I’m female. It’s just normal sharing of info and ideas between a couple. Perhaps he figured OP had read up on it more than he had cos it’s happening to her body, or she’d known from friends having kids or her own previous pregnancies he’d forgotten the aftermath of or something.

For marital harmony don’t go looking for conflict and fights for the sake of it...

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2020 12:05

@Anotherchangeanothername
I did not know you still look pregnant after giving birth, and had no idea how long it took to shrink.
I honestly thought you would just go back to your skinny jeans, not that you needed to wear maternity wear for like a month!
It could have been an honest question

It's their SECOND child!

He knows...

I'd frighten him and say that sometimes it never goes back...

Arse!

BumpBundle · 21/05/2020 12:06

This thread is made up almost entirely of three comments:

  1. As a woman, I didn't know that.
  2. How disgusting and disgraceful that he doesn't know this!
  3. How dare he ask something he doesn't know.
Seriously?!
Pertella · 21/05/2020 12:08

Four comments:

  1. Why does anybody feel the need to ask a PP woman that question anyway?
dottiedodah · 21/05/2020 12:09

He is out of order here ,but maybe like lots of men being "tactful" is not one of their blessings! He may just have wondered idly ,and said it out loud! If he is usually kind and you get on well I wouldnt worry about it too much.He has said he didnt mean to be hurtful ,so just move on and enjoy your lovely new baby!

Butterymuffin · 21/05/2020 12:09

No, there's also quite a lot of comments that it was insensitive and hurtful to ask in that way. Which it was. 2 weeks in with a second baby he should be too busy to even air such thoughtless questions.

TheOrigBrave · 21/05/2020 12:10

Your stomach is normal.
Normal for someone who has recently given birth.
Normal for someone who has had 2 children.
Normal for you.

FWIW, while your weight may return to pre-preg and your belly be as flat (or not) as it was, it will probably always be a bit wobbly - that can be just skin.

I've had 2 kids, weigh less than I should, do a great deal or sport, maybe can't tell I've had kids with my clothes on, but I def have wobbly belly skin. That's normal. The skin was stretched.

WickedlyPetite · 21/05/2020 12:11

Does he genuinely not remember from the first time around? Hmm

What a cock.

Yoyoallovertheshow · 21/05/2020 12:12

Maybe it was just idle musing? Probably not best to say it to you, but i can imagine my DP wondering the same, just out of curiosity, not because he's grossed out.

You had a tiny human growing inside your body less than 2 weeks ago! Now is not the time to worry about your post partum body, enjoy your beautiful baby. Congratulations!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 21/05/2020 12:12

Insensitive maybe, but how else was he supposed to find out?
Men are generally ignorant of women's biology, should we keep them in the dark?

Mummytobe10101 · 21/05/2020 12:14

Aw :( yeah that would upset me too if my partner said that to me. But you know what - he probably was just wondering and meant nothing by it. Simply curious. Sometimes people (especially men) need to be educated on what is insensitive to say to a pregnant woman or a new mum because they simply don’t understand. Let him know that he hurt you and why it hurt you and that it was insensitive. He probably just had no idea and was thoughtlessly asking. Of course you’re still beautiful and attractive to him - your belly is a sign that you’ve carried and given birth to his wonderful baby - what is more incredible and miraculous than that!! Xx

justamumof1 · 21/05/2020 12:15

Maybe he is just curious about how your body changes after birth. I wasn't expecting to have a tummy after birth, I thought it would go back to being flat.

Pertella · 21/05/2020 12:15

Insensitive maybe, but how else was he supposed to find out?

If it's really that important to him he could have googled, or at least asked in a more sensitive way.

saraclara · 21/05/2020 12:20

OP, you just created a whole person and this is your husband's priority?

Where do you get the idea that it's his priority? I'm sure it's not the only thing he's said, fine or thought about in the last two weeks. Maybe it was just an idle question?

As for those who are suggesting he looks at a screen rather than actually talk to his partner, I fear for relationships where that's the norm.

And though it's his second child, just try asking his question in different tones of voice. Maybe it was in that tone one uses when you've forgotten something. "How long does it take...again?"

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 21/05/2020 12:24

He knows exactly what he is doing.

He is NOT a good person, OP. Not at all.

Devlesko · 21/05/2020 12:29

My dh knew I thought that men followed pregnancy and birth/ anti natal as much as their wives.
I don't get why he's asking you, of course he was hurtful it's not the thing you ask the person you love when they have just had your baby.
Why doesn't he know from your first child?

ThrowbackMagic · 21/05/2020 12:33

You’re NBU to feel upset that your DH asked that, as it’s a bit of a thoughtless question, and it could be easily taken the wrong way. I would say he was probably being curious and just didn’t think through what he was saying, although was he not paying attention the first time round!?!

CorianderLord · 21/05/2020 12:33

He probably just means the actual pregnancy shape going down. Which I am also curious about because on TV women go from bump to flat straight after bloody birth.

AmeliaTaylor · 21/05/2020 12:34

Sometimes people (especially men) need to be educated on what is insensitive to say to a pregnant woman or a new mum because they simply don’t understand. Let him know that he hurt you and why it hurt you and that it was insensitive.

Pregnant women/new mums aren’t all one homogenous group though... fine for OP to tell him it hurt her, which she did and he said he hadn’t intended to. But it didn’t bother me when I was asked this and I’m sure there are plenty of other women who would take it as it was intended. I dunno, just don’t like this concept of creeping around being afraid to raise certain very normal topics with your wife because she’s female.

ThrowbackMagic · 21/05/2020 12:35

Agree with your points saraclara

saraclara · 21/05/2020 12:35

He knows exactly what he is doing.

He is NOT a good person, OP. Not at all.

Unless you know this guy personally in real life @AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter that's a ridiculous statement to make. You have absolutely no evidence for that sweeping statement.

ThrowbackMagic · 21/05/2020 12:35

Agree too AmeliaTaylor!

matchboxtwentyunwell · 21/05/2020 12:37

DH asked me how long it generally takes after giving birth for your stomach to return to normal. I can't help but feel like he's grossed out by me now. He insists he isn't, but why else would he have even asked? He says he was just wondering. He also mentioned I look still like I'm in early pregnancy.

He's a dick and he wanted you to feel the pressure to get it off. Any seriously 'wondering' person would have googled it, and most men doing so would be arseholes to begin with. Women trying to figure out their own bodies though is understandable.

AmeliaTaylor · 21/05/2020 12:37

CorianderLord

Depends on the person :)

Mine took a couple of weeks to go down but I’ve had friends who looked like their pre pregnancy selves within a couple days and friends who still have a bigger belly a year later! It’s all normal.