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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell my 'MIL' the sex of our baby

214 replies

SamSamA · 30/04/2020 02:07

Bit of background:
Ive been with my partner 3 years now, currently live with him (and my 6 year old from a previous relationship) and his parents for the past year.

Baby was planned and my partners mother has been excited about it since before i was pregnant. Not her first grandchild by the way. She already got stuff for the baby within a week of finding out even though I've asked her not to. She ignored me and continued to buy things. I told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves. But said if there's anything we really need after that we will let her know and she's more than welcome to buy what we ask for, rather than stuff we don't want or need. She said ok and I thought it was done with.
Fast forward to a week ago and she asked about my 20 week scan which is next week and said she can't wait to know what we're having as she's bought loads of girl clothes and can't wait to show me. And also has 'plans' depending on the baby's sex. Then proceeded to show my partner the bags stuff she's gotten which he said is several black bags worth. She wouldn't let him look inside thought. I refused to go see as I was annoyed.
I told my partner that day I don't want to tell anyone what we're having but didn't tell him it's solely because of his mother as I know as soon as she knows the sex she's going to get more stuff. Just said I wanted it to be a surprise and he said that's fine but when he told his mother a few days later she wasn't happy.
I know I sound ungrateful but with my first child my abusive ex boyfriend took over like I was literally just there to push out the baby and that's it. Determined to have some sort of control this time round.
Anyway 'MIL' is complaining that I'm being unreasonable as I'm ruining her plans. The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.
So AIBU if i tell my partner and his family that we're not telling anyone but then tell my family what we're having knowing they will keep it a secret?

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 30/04/2020 14:16

*OP, you are very lucky to have your MIL. She houses you and your son. She is excited about your baby.

Telling your family not her would be pure spite.*

I feel like your MIL has been used (instead of your nf moving in with you and your DC you all moved in with his mum) and now your done with her you're wondering why she's still so invested.

She cares about her grandchild. Yes she is probably being over the top but if hse wants to buy it loads of clothes you just say thank you.
It sounds very immature to not look at the things she's brought.

If you don't want her to know the sex then tell noone and say you want it to be a suprise but if you want to tell your family you will have to tell her too and be prepared that she will get excited.

I hope your bf doesn't find out what you think of his mum else I can't see him sticking around for much longer.

ILoveYou3000 · 30/04/2020 14:24

The point is due to lock down the op is always around her partners mother, because she lives in her partners mothers house

No the point is OP only included that piece of information about her living situation (which everyone has jumped on) to prevent everyone asking why they were seeing her during lockdown.

not about my living situation. I only added that in so people would understand that at the moment she's always around.

ishouldtryabiteachday · 30/04/2020 14:25

Your mum can adopt me I've just had a little girl at the start of the year Winkwe struggle to afford anything now due to corona.

I do know what you mean in terms of clothes you want to choose things, but sometimes you really need to be open minded or keep the tags on put them in it for a photo then whack it on eBay

Bluesheep8 · 30/04/2020 14:34

It's NOTHING TO DO WITH LOCKDOWN! OP, OP's child and her partner (MIL's son) were already living there. For the reasons she has given Confused

hesgotit · 30/04/2020 14:35

@ILoveYou3000 they live with her "MIL" because they had no where else to live! Nothing to do with lockdown.

ILoveYou3000 · 30/04/2020 14:42

No, I'm well aware the reason they're living there is nothing to do with lockdown. They moved in in November due to OP's health issues and subsequent financial difficulties. I've read her posts.

She says she only mentioned the living situation to explain why they're around one another so much at the moment. The 'at the moment' I took to mean regarding lockdown, because if OP hadn't mentioned they lived in her MiL's home everyone would have been focused on them seeing one another when they shouldn't be, rather than the issue she posted about. As it is everyone's focus has been pretty much entirely on the living situation anyway.

If I've misunderstood the OP's meaning then I'll apologise.

Poppi89 · 30/04/2020 14:58

They were living together before lockdown, but the lockdown means they are in each other's space more than they were before lockdown. As they don't go out as much etc.

Original poster
SamSamA · 30/04/2020 14:59

There's a lot to reply to but most of it I've already said or people are just reaching.

@hesgotit I don't 'have no where else go go'. I said I didn't have a choice but I did obviously. We could've stayed in the flat (that I had my partner moved into) and not paid certain bills but why put ourselves in debt when we had somewhere else to go? Unfortunately something happened that I have no control over so decided to take the easy option which has worked out wonderfully with no issues up until this point.
I am very grateful for my partners parents for allowing my son and I to move in. They were actually very happy that we did. In fact they are disappointed that we're moving out so quickly as they assumed we'd be here for a couple years.

Also I dunno who said it but my partner knows how I feel about his mum buying stuff but doesn't know the reason I don't want to tell anyone the sex. He even spoke to her at one point about it but didn't make a difference. Furthermore I have said that other than this my partners mum and I have a great relationship.

I said that she's always around as I can't say thanks for the stuff and then donate what I don't want/need which is what I would've done if we were living in our own place. I think many people are focousing on the fact we live with her even though I've already stated a couple times that we are moving out. So regardless if we're here now in a couple months we won't be.

Also in case it comes up again as I've said it already, the reason we wanted to have a child now is because the tablets my doctor believes will help me the most is one that I can't conceive on for three years. I'm back on track now, health wise and financially and can move out whenever at this point but wanted to wait a bit.

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 30/04/2020 15:05

There we go, I did misunderstand OP's use of 'at the moment', so I apologise.

Poppi89 · 30/04/2020 15:17

I said that she's always around as I can't say thanks for the stuff and then donate what I don't want/need which is what I would've done if we were living in our own place.

If your MIL or own mum gives you things you don't want then you would wait a few weeks before getting rid of them anyway. Maybe just put it on when you visit that person. You know babies grow really quickly so half of the stuff it would have grown out of quickly any way.

I really don't see the issue. If you have said she doesn't need to buy so much and you've already have enough, but she still wants to waste her money then let her.

Poppi89 · 30/04/2020 15:19

Will your own mum not be allowed to buy for the baby either?

As a lot of grandparents are going to want to buy bits for the new grandchild.

crispysausagerolls · 30/04/2020 15:19
  1. it’s really fucking irritating people questioning OP’s decision to find out the sex of her baby. NOT THE POINT OF THE THREAD. And, of course, you should find out if you want to/not not find out because of MIL. Clearly. That would be insane.
  2. my mother was like this with my son. Always buying tat. The polite thing to do is to accept a few of the better items and suggest she keep the rest at her place. The stuff like teething toys that’s manky and you need to explain hygiene blah blah and put your foot down. Or just explain again and again “MIL I have told you I don’t want this. Please stop buying stuff I won’t use it’s a waste of money and creates an awkward situation”.

Over and over.

  1. this is complicated more by you living there. It’s nicer to just be polite as she has done you a huge favour really.
Bluntness100 · 30/04/2020 15:29

Op look it’s annoying but she’s excited and you owe her, she’s done you a huge favour taking you in. You’ll be out soon, grit your teeth and play nicely, you won’t be living there when you have the baby, so try to be grateful she’s helping out by buying stuff when you’re still getting on your feet financially.

Don’t be playing petty mean games by not telling her the gender.

Zombiemum1946 · 30/04/2020 15:32

Look for the good. Try to bond with her. Put forward a different idea such as a bank account for lo. As others have said remind her that she needs to think about your eldest seeing all this. She sounds like she's desperate to be involved and it's a good thing not bad, it just needs direction. An over excited compulsive shopper is how she comes across and understanding that could go a long way to easing things. My mil was a compulsive shopper. Wonderfully batty and infuriating but full of love. Some people are what they are. The waste of money may drive you up the wall but it's her money. To exclude her from things on the basis of out of control spending is unfair.

Zombiemum1946 · 30/04/2020 15:56

Sorry just saw the update. Bite your lip till you've moved out. I can understand her being really excited about having a new baby in the house, especially if she's got a great relationship with you both. Just remind yourself it's just for a little while longer.

Misspretty · 30/04/2020 16:22

but doesn't know the reason I don't want to tell anyone the sex
I suspect the reason you aren’t telling anyone is gender disappointment.
You’ve been told the sex but are still hoping it’s the other?
It seems so from your other threads

nauseaandnipples · 30/04/2020 17:15

You're other thread says your son is 4 Confused

EmeraldShamrock · 30/04/2020 18:57

Shit OP I don't usually use advanced search CBA.
Now I saw your threads, I suspect you've gender disappointment. Did you tell your partner about the scan at 13 week's. Boys are lovely even if you have one already.

AppleJane · 30/04/2020 21:25

Wait, what? You know the sex of the baby already? Your poor MIL, sounds like she's being mugged off. Now I'm thinking you're only annoyed at her for buying 'tat'.

pinkyredrose · 01/05/2020 07:11

Don't understand why you couldn't have kept your flat. You could've gone on benefits, also does your partner not work?

Brownyblonde · 01/05/2020 08:28

Oh no nooo. Not another 'I wanted a girl but got a boy' jeez what's wrong with little boys ffs

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2020 08:39

Op why don’t you embrace it, your partner and you don’t have much money, and babies are expensive, she clearly knows this and is trying to help. Why don’t you tell her it’s a boy and direct her to the stuff you do need and want. You benefit, your child benefits, and she feels she’s helping.

peperethecat · 01/05/2020 08:45

Oh no nooo. Not another 'I wanted a girl but got a boy' jeez what's wrong with little boys ffs

After four miscarriages and no successful pregnancies I would be so happy to have a healthy baby of either sex. Sad

Brownyblonde · 01/05/2020 09:08

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages @peperthecat. I really hope you have some luck with a healthy pregnancy very soon

peperethecat · 01/05/2020 09:40

Thank you. People with "gender disappointment" should count themselves lucky they don't know what it's like to have a real problem such as pregnancy loss or infertility or a devastating medical diagnosis about their baby.

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