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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell my 'MIL' the sex of our baby

214 replies

SamSamA · 30/04/2020 02:07

Bit of background:
Ive been with my partner 3 years now, currently live with him (and my 6 year old from a previous relationship) and his parents for the past year.

Baby was planned and my partners mother has been excited about it since before i was pregnant. Not her first grandchild by the way. She already got stuff for the baby within a week of finding out even though I've asked her not to. She ignored me and continued to buy things. I told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves. But said if there's anything we really need after that we will let her know and she's more than welcome to buy what we ask for, rather than stuff we don't want or need. She said ok and I thought it was done with.
Fast forward to a week ago and she asked about my 20 week scan which is next week and said she can't wait to know what we're having as she's bought loads of girl clothes and can't wait to show me. And also has 'plans' depending on the baby's sex. Then proceeded to show my partner the bags stuff she's gotten which he said is several black bags worth. She wouldn't let him look inside thought. I refused to go see as I was annoyed.
I told my partner that day I don't want to tell anyone what we're having but didn't tell him it's solely because of his mother as I know as soon as she knows the sex she's going to get more stuff. Just said I wanted it to be a surprise and he said that's fine but when he told his mother a few days later she wasn't happy.
I know I sound ungrateful but with my first child my abusive ex boyfriend took over like I was literally just there to push out the baby and that's it. Determined to have some sort of control this time round.
Anyway 'MIL' is complaining that I'm being unreasonable as I'm ruining her plans. The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.
So AIBU if i tell my partner and his family that we're not telling anyone but then tell my family what we're having knowing they will keep it a secret?

OP posts:
TypingError · 30/04/2020 09:36

The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her

If that's the way you feel about her you really shouldn't be living in her house. It's far more disrespectful than her buying you stuff you don't want.

AteAllTheAfterEights · 30/04/2020 09:37

Just don’t take the stuff with you when you move out. She’s filling her house with tat, not yours. When are you moving out OP? Before you have the baby I hope or this is the least of your worries...

peperethecat · 30/04/2020 09:37

OP I think the bigger problem here is that you live in her house. Most of the time when people are too much for you, you can just keep them at arm's length. But when you're living in her house you can't really do that.

How do you think she would respond if you and your partner sat her down and said, "Look, we think it's lovely that you're so excited about the baby, but so are we, and Sam has been really looking forward to picking out and choosing our own things for the baby. If you keep buying stuff then there will be nothing left for us to buy and we'll miss out on the experience of choosing our own things. It's making us think twice about telling you the sex of the baby because we're worried that if we tell you it's a girl you'll go and buy lots of pink stuff and if it's a boy you'll go and buy loads of blue stuff. We really appreciate everything you do for us but please please can you stop buying things?"

Then as soon as you can, you need to move out and get your own place.

It's tricky because it sounds like she's just excited, plus she's currently putting a roof over your heads, so unless there is some bad stuff you're not telling us, I don't think she has done anything wrong. She's just being a bit OTT and you can't current escape from her which is probably making it feel like more of an issue in your mind.

What you want is to have your own place with your partner and baby and be able to keep her at a little bit more of a distance so you don't feel stifled, whilst still letting her play an active role in the baby's life.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/04/2020 09:37

Are you financially secure if you want to buy everything yourselves?
If you can afford a new baby and all the trimmings why are you living there.

MintyMabel · 30/04/2020 09:37

You either tell everyone or no one.

Rubbish. You can tell who you like.

peperethecat · 30/04/2020 09:37

Oh and I really wouldn't tell other people the sex of the baby but not her. You either tell both sides of the family or you tell no one.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/04/2020 09:40

Sorry last question.
Why did you plan a pregnancy while living there? If you wanted full control over your life because of your ex why do it in a house with so many adult's. Hmm

SWemily · 30/04/2020 09:42

Is there anyway you could move out before baby comes? This will get worse when little one arrives and because you are living in her house, it's going to be hard to bond with baby if she's constantly there wanting "grandma cuddles" it sounds as if even though you have a cot she might plan to get a Moses basket for downstairs her room?

All these clothes, is she planning on dressing baby everyday? Do not let her override you.
I had similiar issues and I learnt to grow a spine in those first few weeks!

I know it's hard but you could always tell your mum and sister and not let dh know you've told them? That's what I did lol. My mum played along and acted as if she didn't know...

CallmeAngelina · 30/04/2020 09:45

Call me old-fashioned but "in my day," Grin you couldn't easily find out the sex anyway. And we preferred to wait. For me, it seems like unwrapping all your Christmas presents before the 25th and then wrapping them up again. Takes away something from the main event.
But I appreciate not everyone feels that way.
But I wouldn't find out and then there's no debate.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/04/2020 09:48

I would just tell her and everyone that you don't know the gender and are not planning to find out. As have been said, the best way to keep a secret is acting like you dont know the answer.
On the other part you are being incredible selfish and unreasonable to both your MIL and partner.
she is over excited about the baby, but would you prefer her not to care? I am sure you would be the first to complain if that was the case.
Also she is providing you with a home and in return you act like some privileged teenager.
How about seeing if your Mum and sister who you do want to tell, will offer you as much as she is doing.

hesgotit · 30/04/2020 09:49

Use the stuff she's buying for you, use your own money to pay for your own accommodation!

Simple!

I think living with your boyfriends parents with two children is going to cause issues.

oakleaffy · 30/04/2020 09:50

Re finding out gender...I said to scan nurse that I didn't want to know gender.

She then said '' There's his spine''......I said ''HE?''....She said ''we call all babies ''He'' ....

And sure enough, when born, baby was a ''He''!...I think scan nurse slipped up.

Re second hand stuff..... teething rings? that's just nasty!...My MIL/FIL were very kind and bought a cot and clothes, but after DS was born..
We bought nothing in advance apart from a few basics.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/04/2020 09:52

@MintyMabel
Rubbish. You can tell who you like.
True, but also expect the fallout that will result, both from your Partner, and your MIL.
The MIL will rightly think why she should put up with such a slap in the face despite all her generosity.

MintyMabel · 30/04/2020 09:56

True, but also expect the fallout that will result, both from your Partner, and your MIL. The MIL will rightly think why she should put up with such a slap in the face despite all her generosity.

Setting out your stall at this stage is vital. Generosity is only a thing if it's something that has been asked for. She has been asked not to keep buying things, she has ignored it. That isn't generous, it is interfering.

averythinline · 30/04/2020 09:57

Your past experience is showing you that she is trying to bully you... good that you have learnt from it ... trust your gut she is not respecting/listening too ...
Move out as soon as you can you need ur DP to have your back as a partner so he says to her ....we don't want stuff we are taking to charity shop we are etc etc
Stay strong... Brew

1forsorrow · 30/04/2020 09:57

And sure enough, when born, baby was a ''He''!...I think scan nurse slipped up. Well it was 50/50 wasn't it so she might have slipped or she might not, another 50/50.

Qgardens · 30/04/2020 10:22

Get her to buy stuff for her house only, for once you've moved out. It's hugely beneficial not to have to carry stuff around with you when you visit.

RingaRosie · 30/04/2020 10:31

Leflic, yeah deffo a benefit in my mind. I’m just going to use the stuff I’m given. Haven’t really made any baby purchases, and with the shops closed it’s handy to get friends’ stuff.

Original poster
SamSamA · 30/04/2020 10:35

Already made my decision very early on. I realised I should just talk to her and if she ignores me again then let it go, being annoyed over something that isn't that important isn't needed right now. Also things directly concerning my children, like if she tries to be overbearing when my child is born I will just say something rather then beat around the bush and make sure she clearly understands what I'm saying.

But I would just like to explain why my son and I live with my 'in laws' as a few people have brought it up. I had my own place but last year I had an MS (multiple sclerosis) flare, the first I ever had as I didn't know I had it. It was pretty bad so I couldn't work for a while and couldn't afford to keep up with all my bills so moved in until I could return to work.
I finally got over it in November and was getting back to normal and going back to work slowly. Conceived in December, found out in January. (And yes baby was planned as the best medication I would've been put on me meant that we couldn't have a baby for 3 years). My partner got his promotion end of feb so was saving a little more before moving in May before the baby. (We're fine for money by the way but good to save as much as you can before a baby, also we pay rent just in case anyone thinks we don't).
But because of what's happening we're not sure of our plan although I still want to move so aiming for July now instead of May. Don't want to pick our new place via video call, which is all I've see being offered at the moment, would rather go see the place in person.

OP posts:
ElevenSmiles · 30/04/2020 11:04

Why didn't your partner move in with you ?

Bluesheep8 · 30/04/2020 11:06

The thing is, accepting money/help from people very often leads them to think it buys them an opinion or an element of control. I'm not saying that's right, it's just what tends to happen.
This behaviour stems from the fact that you're living in her house.

Bluesheep8 · 30/04/2020 11:12

And I'm sorry to say this but the fact that you have MS might be causing her to think (perhaps wrongly) that you might need more support/involvement from her

Original poster
SamSamA · 30/04/2020 11:13

Also I didn't say i don't like my MIL. In fact we have a great relationship but I guess i didn't make that clear. She's a lovely person but as I said originally she's just not aware of what she's doing half the time and can be very sensitive. So have to give her gentle nudges rather than just come out with anything anyone has a problem with or she'll cry. I have no problem with her other than this but after she's ignored me several times it's annoying. I am very grateful that she allowed me to move in with my son but I am still allowed to say no thank you all the unneeded things.
Again agreed I can't not tell her.

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 30/04/2020 11:14

You live in her house!
No you cant selectively tell people, ever, that is very hurtful

derxa · 30/04/2020 11:16

Really???

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